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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to want my baby to have the same surname as me???

163 replies

surfingbabies · 16/12/2012 09:12

I have 3 DC from a previous relationship and I'm now expecting number 4 with my DP of 4 years..........my 3 DC have my exs surname, my eldest wants to change hers which is fine because she was born before a certain date I can change it without consent but my twins want to change theirs and they can't without my exs permission even though he only sees them at most twice a year! I am going to have to apply to the courts, when I rang them they said I would have more of a chance if mine, my eldest and the new baby all had the same!. I would like my new baby to carry my surname but my DP wants it to have his.........I completely understand his view but I really don't like my other DC having a different one to me and I find it embarrassing but more importantly my DC don't like it! My DP says that it doesn't matter because if we get married then we'll all have his surname but he's never proposed so I worry that if I do call this baby after him then years down the line we will still not be married and we will all have different surnames, I feel that if we call it my name then if we do get married we can change it as both parents will be present to do so........am I being unreasonable? I'm due in 3 weeks so need to get it sorted as its making us miserable Sad.......

OP posts:
Kytti · 17/12/2012 01:16

Why do people have children with partners that clearly don't want to marry them then complain that they're not married because it causes this kind of problem? If it's that important, why not have the children AFTER marriage. You know, that dull traditional public statement of commitment to each other. Then hopefully you are sure that you can raise the child together.

If it's so out-moded and unfashionable, why are gay people fighting so hard for it?

His child, his name, why not?

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 17/12/2012 01:41

"His views count just as much as yours so you need to discuss raionally and reach an agreement you are both happy with."

Not so.

She can register the birth without him. He can't without her.

It shows the power of social conditioning that so many women allow themselves to be bullied on a point where the law is on their side.

IneedAsockamnesty · 17/12/2012 03:28

As my dd was born before dec 2003 is it possible for me to change her surname without this mans consent?
And how much will it cost?

If you were not married to dad then yes. And you can do it for free.

IneedAsockamnesty · 17/12/2012 03:47

An unmarried dad cannot legally register the baby in the absence of the mother.

Until they marry in the absence of a court order it is legally compleatly the mothers choice if she even names him as the dad. Or what name she chooses.

Surprising as it sounds, a mother has legal parental responsibility instantly at birth but a unmarried dad has none until the birth is registered with his name on the certificate.if his name is left off he has no pr ( without court order or agreement) a unmarried mother cannot even name the dad at the registration if the dad is not there or has not filled out a declaration consenting that he be named.

His baby his name??? What a load of bollocks the baby is also hers.

Give the baby your name if that's what you wish,it's your right as a unmarried mother to do that. If he felt that strongly about it then he should have married you. But even then you could still keep your name if you wanted. Your name is obviously important to you so its nt the same as the poster up thread whose mother changed hers willy nilly as well as her kids. ( to that poster I hope you find a name that's your own soon ).

ElphabaTheGreen · 17/12/2012 05:12

YANBU at all. My mum gave me her name. I'm delighted, because I haven't seen my useless arsehole shabby excuse for a father in years. I kept my/my mum's name when I got married and our DS is double-barrelled. Thankfully, my DH doesn't act like a stroppy sulk-badger about such things and it's never been a problem.

GinSoakedMu1berryLush · 17/12/2012 07:28

Sockreturningpixie i have one before that date and one after that date. :-/

cheeseandpineapple · 17/12/2012 09:18

We are not chattels. We should not have to change our names when we get married. But most of us choose to go with tradition so we can have same names as husband and kids.

If one half of the couple is not traditional enough to want to get married then they should let their partner decide on the surname of their children.

But if the name matters that much then buy a fucking ring and put your money where your mouth is.

If both happy not to get married, use both names.

samandi · 17/12/2012 09:33

Just give the kid your name if you want. Or give it both yours and the dads. It doesn't make any different if you're married or not.

Zavi · 17/12/2012 09:33

Its really important that your new born takes your name, I think. Especially since you may change your other children's names down the line. I wouldn't worry too much about your DPs objections tbh! Your baby is entitled to take your name.

Btw you don't have to formally change your DCs names you can just start USING the new names.

If you do want to formally change their names then, with their dad's consent, you can do so online by deed poll. its really easy to do.

If you want to change their name, and their Dad disagrees to it, then you will need to go to court and get the courts permission. If you have previously been USING the new names you'll have a better chance of persuading the judge to change the names because the judge wont change the status quo unless there is a very good reason for doing so.

THAT'S why its so important to give your newborn your name now! Your DP is unlikely to object if you want to change it to his in the future!

samandi · 17/12/2012 09:33

His child, his name, why not?

Confused

Her child, her name, why not?

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou · 17/12/2012 09:50

The most logical thing would be for the baby to have the mothers name so he/she would have the same name as siblings and one parent.

If DP doesn't want to change his name then fair enough, it's his name, let him keep it but he doesn't get to dictate the names of the rest of the family.

Obviously we are only getting a snapshot of the relationship but it would seem like utter madness to change the name of the other 3 dcs to the name of a whiney sulker with no biological relationship to them because statistically this relationship doesn't have the best odds of working out. Hope for the best plan for the worst.

tryingtoleave · 17/12/2012 10:17

Give the baby your name. If he doesn't care enough to marry you before the baby is born, he doesn't deserve the baby having his name.

YouCanBe · 17/12/2012 10:31

A baby should have the same name as the mother.

IneedAsockamnesty · 17/12/2012 10:41

Add message | Report | Message poster GinSoakedMu1berryLush Mon 17-Dec-12 07:28:21
Sockreturningpixie i have one before that date and one after that date. :-/

If the dad of the one after that date is on the cert then you need his permission to change it, but you can use the name you want in everyday use ( just not formally) and the child can change it themselves if they choose when they are older, im not a solisiter but because of my work I do come across a lot of children who wish to change names the youngest I have known who has done so against there fathers wishes but with permission from a court is a 13year old I know this to be the case as I was sat in the court with him and his mum.

I'm sure a solisiter may have more experance than me with this suituation.

GinSoakedMu1berryLush · 17/12/2012 10:52

Thanks sockreturningpixie. tbh, all I do is moan about the injustice of it on mumsnet. I think if I were going to change their sur name I should have done it five years ago and I didn't, so now, I think I just need to accept that that is their sur name... It is just a name. Although unfortunately it's not one like Ryan or Smith. It's an unusual one and the ONLY other one I know is their father! Well, I've said to the kids if they want to change their name when they're 18 they can but they look blank over that. I mean, I don't think they care really. Which means it would be all about me if I changed it. (still not fair though hmpf!)

pumpkinsweetieMasPudding · 17/12/2012 10:58

Thankyou Sockreturningpixie Smile

RedToothbrush · 17/12/2012 11:06

YouCanBe Mon 17-Dec-12 10:31:31
A baby should have the same name as the mother.

Why? I don't get this. Its an equal argument for both parents in most cases. A child's identity is both parents.

I kept my maiden name deliberately. I would consider giving my child a different surname to me. I wouldn't dream of going double barrelled. Both our families also have a tradition of using family surnames as middle names to preserve family ties.

I honestly see no reason in this day and age for a child to HAVE to have either parents surname. Its so common to have different names now and there are plenty of ways to incorporate your family identity into your name in less traditional ways if you want to.

Its everyone else's problem if they can't cope with that, or make rather rude assumptions about parents from a name.

peaceandlovebunny · 17/12/2012 11:50

a lot of my pupils don't have the same name as their parents. it doesn't seem to matter at all.

GinSoakedMu1berryLush · 17/12/2012 11:57

yes and because it isn't uncommon these days, it isn't that big a problem. so my children have a different sur name from me, it's an odd idea if I think about it for too long, but .. the same could be said for a lot of issues I guess.

I mean, if I had my time again I'd do it differently, but....... I just get on with it now (whilst advising women not to make the mistake I made). If you see the difference there. Yes I think I made the wrong decision at the time, but it's not the end of the World. :-/

Pantomimedam · 17/12/2012 18:18

Red - a baby should have the same name as his or her mother because it is far, far more likely that the mother will stick around. Especially where the parents aren't married. It would avoid the all-too-common situation where the actual family - the mother and child - end up with different names while the man goes off to do his own thing.

beckyboo232 · 17/12/2012 18:31

I married this year I didn't take my husbands name and the children have mine also ( i have two the youngest is his) His is different. This was very important to me, he didnt mind so it works for us. My part of compromise was marrying him Grin

StuntGirl · 17/12/2012 18:56

Given his ridiculously childish reaction tell him you're not willing to discuss it further 'til he can act like an adult, and stick to your word.

If he has not decided to play grown ups by the time the baby is born I would give it your name. Then if having the same name is so important to him he can change to yours if when you marry.

Please don't let him make you feel bad or bully you. If having the same name was soooo important to him he should've planned appropriately.

nightowlmostly · 17/12/2012 19:02

I'd not only give the baby your name, I'd hold off on any plans to marry this guy as well tbh OP. The way he seems to act (from what you've said about his sulking etc) says to me that you'll be back on the relationships board before long, telling us all about how he has to always get his own way or he'll just strop. He doesn't sound like someone who is very easy to live with.

What is your relationship like in general, have you been together long?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 17/12/2012 19:02

Pantomimedam, you are wrong.

There is no reason why a baby should have the mothers name just in case the Father decides to bugger off. Plenty of Fathers are excellent parents, they are 100% equal to the mother.

I think it's quite rude of you to right off half of the species because of a minority of twats.

Fathers deserve to have the same name as their baby every bit as much as mothers do.

SundaeGirl · 17/12/2012 19:06

Give all your children YOUR name OP. Good on you.