To have discplined my SILs children as she was doing nothing...??

[Shinyballsandtinsel]

Two days ago, DH, me, our three DCs (9, 11, 13), granny, SIL and her two DCs went out for a meal in the evening (early about 7.00pm) for one of granny's landmark birthdays. We went to a chain pub, which later on turns into a club with bouncers on the door, no children after 9pm etc. It is in a town well known for stag/hen nights, however this time of year it is mostly Christmas parties.

It was very very busy, behind our table there were two long tables of about twenty people each, which looked like work do's. The bar was also very busy - there were steps leading down to the restaurant bit from the bar.

Our food arrived quite quickly. When we had finished our meal, we were waiting for the staff to bring plates for the birthday cake. My SILs older DC started running around and around the table very fast (aged 5yrs). SIL sat there doing nothing. Then the her younger DC started doing it also (aged 3yrs), whilst they were running the 3 year old ran into the legs of a fully laden waitress who nearly dropped all her plates. SIL still just sat there. They were running within close proximity of the people sitting on the end of the work do tables.

SIL was completely oblivious to it all, so I grabbed the 3yr old on his next run around, and plonked him down on a chair beside me, and said in quite a firm voice "sit down now, those people are having their dinner and Granny is about to have her cake". He immediately burst into tears, SIL glared at me, grabbed him on her lap. The 5 year old continued to run around the table, and then ran up the steps on her own into the bar area, my DH went to get her back, when she arrived back he put her onto her chair, she immediatley slid off under the table and started the running around thing again.

They have behaved like this before, I often make excuses for not going out when they are going to be there, as the children's behaviour, or rather the mother's complete oblivion to their behaviour actually winds me up. In the past she also literally just sits there whilst her children run around other people's tables, talk to strangers eating, ask if they can try some of their food (I kid you not!) and generally act as if they are in a playground. SIL has said in the past she thinks it cheers people up to see her kids smiley faces, and they are so freespirited and cute nobody could get annoyed with them..... Hence why I usually make my excuses, but as it was granny's landmark birthday couldn't get out of it.

Anyway, the saga continues - we all take it in turns to do Christmas dinner, this year is SILs turn to do it at her house. Today DH has received a telephone call to say that we are no longer invited for christmas day, as SIL is upset that I took it upon myself discipline her child, and it will ruin their Christmas if I do so again.

I am of the opinion that I am quite pleased not to have to go around there, and am happy to break away from the big family Christmas and start having Christmases at home with just our family, but Granny has now rung up very upset, and asked DH if I can apologise and make an excuse, i.e. say I was stressed at work or something.

I am not happy to do this, as I am not sorry. AIBU to not aplogise even though it will probably upset MIL?

DH said something along the lines that she can't expect other people to put up with her kids behaviour, perhaps she would realise she needs to do something before nobody wants her and her kids around them. MIL agreed as usual, but obviously wouldn't say that to SIL.....

Maybe your MIL wouldn't, but I bet your DH would say it to her outright! He sounds great.

I've been following your thread, and you are doing absolutely the right thing. My family spent years tiptoeing around my sister. I gave up eventually, because it just got pathetic. I know she thinks I'm over strict with the children (which I'm not!), but I don't care. I just let her do the running now.

Good on your DH!

hopefully she'll realise the damage her parenting style is doing to her DCs before too many more people ban them from events. I wouldn't invite badly behaved DCs to parties for DS. I wouldn't invite them over for playdates even if DS really liked them.

Oh Shiney your husband sounds Fab and like he's had enough of his sister and her spoilt behaviour, is she his older sister? How can SIL not get that the link in all problems recently is the behaviour of her brats!

Wow OP, by the sound of it your SIL learned everything she knows about enabling her children's brattish behaviour from her mother's own pandering and fear of conflict.

Good on Mr Shiny for telling it like it is

@ this is all she needs
WTAF.

Your MIL sounds as bonkers as SIL. I see where SIL gets her "spiritedness" from that's probably not a word , from a mother who clearly never set her any boundaries.

Shiny, you have to show your DH this thread. He deserves to go like this --. at all the praise he's getting .

Perhaps you should send her this as her "spirited" dc future.

Where, the parents must be in total denial, and im sure i know the mum somehow.

Wow at the article.

Those parents are deluded, and I wonder if he had ever been with other children before starting school, as he seems to be an only child. If he hadnt been to nursery then they may not have any idea that this "happy polite" child is actually a right little shit.

Bogey this child's behaviour is likely the result of slack discipline, my daughter is defiant at times, but shes never been like that, people have told me how well behaved she is.

This kid is something different.

that kind of behavior is about more than just slack discipline. A friend of mine had a child very much like this one. He was never expelled but was suspended a few times because of his violent outbursts. Everyone said the parents were to blame, but in fact there were lots of underlying issues. It took about four years, but he has finally been diagnosed as on the autistic spectrum. We no longer live in the area so I don't know how he's doing, but hopefully now he can receive the help he needs in order to deal more effectively with the triggers that lead to the behaviors.

There are of course children who are just naughty and whose parents are completely oblivious, but a child who acts with this level of violence and agression is not exhibiting normal NT behavior IMO. And the fact his parents were prepared to work wiith the school and also to see the educational psychologist etc don't sound like parents in denial to me.

If they'd been saying that he was spirited for instance then I could have seen it as being denial but they haven't.

It's a lot easier to judge the parents though than acknowledge that there are underlying reasons for the behaviors.

Didn't the article say that he'd been assessed already and nothing found so far?
It could be that they think he's fine at home because they've never actually insisted he does anything he doesn't want to do.

this is all she needs

I would say that it is exactly what she needs!

I was thinking what clam said. If he is never disciplined or expected to anything he doesnt want to, then he will be happy all the time. His reaction could be to not being the centre of attention and not getting his own way all the time.

but we know absolutely nothing about these parents, do we?

Go on to the SN boards and see how many parents there are who are desperate for a diagnosis for their children and who have been to professional after professional for years and years trying to obtain one. Saying that he was seen by someone and they said there was nothing wrong with him is far too simplistic. A child that displays that level of violence and agression at that age is simply not normal, and the fact that people have made their own (unsubstantiated) assumptions about the parents rather than think there must be some underlying reasons for this behavior speaks volumes.

Sorry, Wannabe, are you talking about Shiny's niece & nephew? Because I thought Shiny made it clear that SIL does almost nothing to try to discipline them, and keep them from annoying other people. If SIL were pulling her hair out trying to make them civilised, with little to show for it, then I think we'd all have a lot of sympathy. (I would anyway)

Or maybe the SIL is the one with SN, although what SN there is that only presents as inability to figure out you need to civilise your kids, I haven't heard of that one.

Bet DH was really chuffed to be called at work to be told something so trivial as that. This sounds horribly like MIL here too.

I was curious as to whether MiL phoned up Mr Shiny specifically to tell him about SiL and her dd.

I think Wannabe was referring to the child in the DM article, lljk - and I have to say, I generally take wirh a pinch of salt any attempt by the DM to present us with a 'demon child' scenario to mock and point at.
I think they failed in their intention, btw, as the related comments are quie tame for the DM, imo.

Any more news Shiny?

If this thread dies can we have another one pretty please?

..and can someone sprinkle some cookie crumbs so I can find my way to it please?

Still 100 posts in which the SIL can melt down the OP for Christnas candlesticks . But I agree we need a sequel thread to carry us through Boxing Day and the next Ten Days of Christmas.

The children were bored stiff. Don t necessarily get adult celebrations. Kids arent little soldiers.

Forgive me, but I think we need a jeremy Kyle a\ppearance for all concerened. Lets have blood tests and DNA chases down the corridor.