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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have discplined my SILs children as she was doing nothing...??

965 replies

Shinyballsandtinsel · 15/12/2012 13:11

Two days ago, DH, me, our three DCs (9, 11, 13), granny, SIL and her two DCs went out for a meal in the evening (early about 7.00pm) for one of granny's landmark birthdays. We went to a chain pub, which later on turns into a club with bouncers on the door, no children after 9pm etc. It is in a town well known for stag/hen nights, however this time of year it is mostly Christmas parties.

It was very very busy, behind our table there were two long tables of about twenty people each, which looked like work do's. The bar was also very busy - there were steps leading down to the restaurant bit from the bar.

Our food arrived quite quickly. When we had finished our meal, we were waiting for the staff to bring plates for the birthday cake. My SILs older DC started running around and around the table very fast (aged 5yrs). SIL sat there doing nothing. Then the her younger DC started doing it also (aged 3yrs), whilst they were running the 3 year old ran into the legs of a fully laden waitress who nearly dropped all her plates. SIL still just sat there. They were running within close proximity of the people sitting on the end of the work do tables.

SIL was completely oblivious to it all, so I grabbed the 3yr old on his next run around, and plonked him down on a chair beside me, and said in quite a firm voice "sit down now, those people are having their dinner and Granny is about to have her cake". He immediately burst into tears, SIL glared at me, grabbed him on her lap. The 5 year old continued to run around the table, and then ran up the steps on her own into the bar area, my DH went to get her back, when she arrived back he put her onto her chair, she immediatley slid off under the table and started the running around thing again.

They have behaved like this before, I often make excuses for not going out when they are going to be there, as the children's behaviour, or rather the mother's complete oblivion to their behaviour actually winds me up. In the past she also literally just sits there whilst her children run around other people's tables, talk to strangers eating, ask if they can try some of their food (I kid you not!) and generally act as if they are in a playground. SIL has said in the past she thinks it cheers people up to see her kids smiley faces, and they are so freespirited and cute nobody could get annoyed with them..... Hence why I usually make my excuses, but as it was granny's landmark birthday couldn't get out of it.

Anyway, the saga continues - we all take it in turns to do Christmas dinner, this year is SILs turn to do it at her house. Today DH has received a telephone call to say that we are no longer invited for christmas day, as SIL is upset that I took it upon myself discipline her child, and it will ruin their Christmas if I do so again.

I am of the opinion that I am quite pleased not to have to go around there, and am happy to break away from the big family Christmas and start having Christmases at home with just our family, but Granny has now rung up very upset, and asked DH if I can apologise and make an excuse, i.e. say I was stressed at work or something.

I am not happy to do this, as I am not sorry. AIBU to not aplogise even though it will probably upset MIL?

OP posts:
MrsFlibble · 16/12/2012 00:55

SIL is obviously a spoilt adult anyway, inviting herself to things then getting stroppy if shes not allowed, allowing her kids to run riot, leaving other adults to sort them out, the getting granny to emotionally blackmail the OP, she sounds like a classy person, i feel sorry for the OP's children having to put up with being pushed out for uncontrolled children.

LoopsInHoops · 16/12/2012 00:57

I think you handled it badly. Best thing would have been to tell SIL their behaviour was inappropriate to give her the chance to do something before you stepping in. Then do what you did.

MrsFlibble · 16/12/2012 00:58

LoopsInHoops OP has stated that they have done that many times before and SIL did nothing, OP musta got bored repeating it everytime.

exoticfruits · 16/12/2012 00:59

The funniest one I heard was at a bonfire party that a farmer had given a field for. Two DCs were pulling straw out of bales and throwing it around. A woman told them, in no uncertain terms that they were to stop it. The mother appeared on the scene with 'who do you think you are to tell my DCs off-what is it to you?' The woman said ' I am the farmer, it is my field you are on and my straw bale'.

The moral of that being that once you are out of your own home you have to obey other people's rules. If the mother hadn't backed down and apologised she would have been asked to leave.

exoticfruits · 16/12/2012 01:02

Best thing would have been to tell SIL their behaviour was inappropriate to give her the chance to do something before you stepping in.

I would put money on the fact nothing would have happened-which OP knew from past experience.

Bestof7 · 16/12/2012 01:02

MrsFlibble, yes, yes, SIL is obviously no prize as a relation. But OP did not need to have this out at Granny's party. She knew full well what SIL was like. She could have called the 3-year-old over and made it her personal mission to entertain him and keep him more-or-less seated until post-cake. She could have done that this one time, and then resolved never to go to another restuarant with SIL and her children until they can sit still.

Instead, she chose to discipline him, which she knew would set off SIL. Not cool at Granny's party. Not in response to a long-standing problem. Just not.

pigletmania · 16/12/2012 01:05

YANBU at all, don't apologise you have no reason to, you want to break with tradition anyway

LoopsInHoops · 16/12/2012 01:05

MsF - but not this time.

A quick "Sorry but this is dangerous. Will you make them sit down please or I will" would have given her the explicit warning of what was about to happen, and she couldn't complain about OP's approach ('grabbing' and 'plonking' - not sure I'd want my 3yo to have that, depends on meaning) because she would have had the opportunity to do it herself. Fair enough, she may not have done anything, but the warning makes a difference I think.

That said, I think MIL is at fault here.

MrsFlibble · 16/12/2012 01:06

What you say if it was a stranger asking if they were BU over telling the child to sit down and escorted them back or actually confronting the mother over having their night ruined?

Or the employees doing that?

At times someone will tell your kids off for something, more so if you arent willing to do it, teachers have to discipline.

Its a terrible lesson for the DC's to learn that they can do anything they want, because when they are older they will learn they cant, but will have respect for authority.

MrsFlibble · 16/12/2012 01:07

no respect

GingersarealwaysToms · 16/12/2012 01:08

Shiny you've probably stopped reading now, its gone on for so long. I only read up to p5, so apologies if I missed something important. I just think you cannot win in this situation.

SIL has MAssive issues. You know that. It is completely unreasonable of her to expect that people make allowances for her and for her children for the rest of her life because she had a difficult few years and didn't think she'd be lucky enough to have them.

You will never get through to her. You've tried going out without her, you've tried keeping her children safe.

The whole thing would drive any sane person nuts. But really, is it/she worth causing a rift that sounds as if it could go on for ages for?

Swallow your pride and at the same time, print out this thread. Then, when her children start burgling people's houses in the future, when her children go off the rails a bit, show her it and say "I told you so. If only you hadn't sat there like a wet dishcloth thinking you were mother earth, your children might have developed a bit more self-discipline."

I feel really sorry for granny. She can't win either.

Original poster
Shinyballsandtinsel · 16/12/2012 01:15

I have just got back with DH from my work Christmas do. Thankfully there were no children running around.....

I have to say, the various "permissive" parents posting have not even picked up on the fact it was ok for me to give positive reinforcement whilst SIL just sat there but not ok for me to step in when the children's behaviour was dangerous, as well as unacceptable in the environment.

Nobody has mentioned the fact that I had three children of my own there, and actually I wanted to interact with them somewhat and not spend my night managing my SIL's badly behaved kids.

OP posts:
Bestof7 · 16/12/2012 01:18

"What you say if it was a stranger asking if they were BU over telling the child to sit down and escorted them back or actually confronting the mother over having their night ruined? Or the employees doing that?"

I have no problem with some stranger telling the kids off, to be honest. (Though if the kids had bumped into a waitress, I think the manager should have come over and spoken to the adults, and told them to make sure their children are seated and safe and not annoying the flip out of his/her customers.)

That's not what happened here. OP lost her temper at Granny's party over a long-standing parenting issue. If it's been going on that long, she could have finessed those kids into their seats and out of harm's way without confronting SIL that night.

takataka · 16/12/2012 01:22

I agree with eilee and bestof7

MrsFlibble · 16/12/2012 01:23

Yeah she lost her temper, then so would i if my DS kids did that and she did nothing about it, and obviously previous attempts to make her SIL do something fell on deaf ears, OP shouldnt have to apologise because SIL has thrown a hissy fit, maybe to MIL she could, but not to SIL.

Original poster
Shinyballsandtinsel · 16/12/2012 01:25

Actually we have tried to have outings without sister in law and her kids, as mentioned previously, which has let to SIL not being happy. Also previously, see back thread we have tried to have them over and the result had been my own DCs suffering.

I didn't lose my temper at all, at no point have I said that., I got fed up and felt embarrassed of her kids. To say I lost my temper implies I was unreasonable, which I was not

OP posts:
Bestof7 · 16/12/2012 01:25

Good lord, MrsFribble. That was my point all along. That she should apologise to Granny. Not to SIL. SIL is clearly annoying.

takataka · 16/12/2012 01:27

I imagine sil found your positive reinforcement as irritating and patronizing as telling her children off

Bestof7 · 16/12/2012 01:27

Shiny, I missed your two new posts. (Really need to fix settings to highlight OP).

Sorry, but I still think YWBU to deal with it in that way, on that night.

But on the plus side, you don't have to spend Xmas with SIL.

Original poster
Shinyballsandtinsel · 16/12/2012 01:27

I don't need to apologise to granny. Granny acknowledges behind SILs back that the kids are badly behaved. Granny agreed with me on the night that I was "quite right".

OP posts:
suburbophobe · 16/12/2012 01:28

OMG.

One thing I can't stand when I have an occasional night out as a parent is to have to deal with some stranger's child at my table.

No, it is NOT cute!!!

YA SO NBU!

MrsFlibble · 16/12/2012 01:29

Shiny i suggest you have a chat with MIL, explain why you did it, and try and avoid SIL, shes obviously a PITA.

Original poster
Shinyballsandtinsel · 16/12/2012 01:30

Well maybe if SIL did some of her own positive reinforcement I wod be able to spend more time conversing with my own children than trying to manage hers whilst she sat there as if she was a single woman out on her own.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 16/12/2012 01:31

Bestof7, I get what you're saying, but do you honestly believe that those children could have been finessed into their seats? Really? Or that SIL would not have had exactly the same tantrum had OP spoken to her directly about her DC's behaviour?

MrsFlibble · 16/12/2012 01:31

Sorry Shiny, didnt see the latest post, if MIL understands, then just drop it, YWNBU, it annoyed you, as it would annoy me.