Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To not want to circumcise my son?

276 replies

SkiBunnnnny · 14/12/2012 19:29

I have a 10 day old baby son. Being from the UK it would never normally cross my mind to have him circumcised. However, I am living in Canada where the practice is more common (but not as common as in the US) but on the decline.

DH wants to have him circumcised as he is half Jewish (so DS is 1/4 Jewish) but I feel like I don't want to put DS through an unnecessary medical procedure for purely cosmetic reasons. DH also thinks it is cleaner but I think this is irrelevant in the 21st century when we have indoor plumbing and can easily wash ourselves every day. I also feel that it is not our body to make a decision like that about, if he wants to get himself circumcised in the future he can but he can not get himself "de-circumcised" if he is unhappy about it in the future (DH doesn't believe that any circumcised men wish that they weren't).

My question is: AIBU to force my opinion or is DH opinion more valid since he is male?

OP posts:
Original poster
SkiBunnnnny · 14/12/2012 20:27

I'm glad most people seem to agree with me. Neither DH nor his Jewish family are particularly religious (all eat pork), it is more about tradition and "matching" Hmm his dad and the rest of the family.

I have done some research and don't buy into any of the supposed benefits.

So how do I get DH to see my side? I don't think that I do have final say because I am the mother.

Currently my plan is to not bring it up and hope that he is not organised enough too busy to do anything about it. He definitely wouldn't do it behind my back though.

OP posts:
hermioneweasley · 14/12/2012 20:29

I had always assumed I would have DS circumcised as all the men in my family are for religious/cultural reasons.

When I mentioned this to my friends they were horrified and this prompted me to look into it more. I couldn't understand why anyone would choose to perform unnecessary surgery which involves cutting and stitches.

DS then had to be circumcised for medical reasons. Having seen it and seen the pain he was in I would NEVER do this unless a medical necessity.

SchnappsDamnYou · 14/12/2012 20:30

Just because people millennia ago didn't know any better is no excuse to do something that we now know to be pointless.

hermioneweasley · 14/12/2012 20:31

Erm, your husband fancies cutting a bit off your son. This is not something you can compromise on. And I think the person who doesn't want to cut bits off him gets precedence. Remember Solomon?

TheSecretCervixDNCOP · 14/12/2012 20:35

YOU ARE HIS MOTHER! Of course you get the final say!!!

giveitago · 14/12/2012 20:36

BigW - completely understand if that that's your religion and tradition but I'm not sure if the op is of a tradition where circumision is expected. And if you're not then it wouldn't be viewed as a thing to secure their place in any community or faith but rather a thing that would never be considered (unless north american and done under medical supervision).

If OP is not happy she should not have it done.

Original poster
SkiBunnnnny · 14/12/2012 20:40

TheSecretCervixDNCOP, we are a partnership. He is both of our son. We have equal say.

OP posts:
SchnappsDamnYou · 14/12/2012 20:41

Your DH being male doesn't make his opinion more valid on ANYTHING. Even if it is something to do with cutting penises.

If the procedure is medically not necessary and has no benefit and cannot be consented to by the patient then there is no justification for one parent to ask for it to be done because he is male and the child is also male.

Lavenderhoney · 14/12/2012 20:41

It's unnecessary, it's cruel and will cause your baby massive pain and misery.
I woud not allow it. If he decides when he is adult that's fine, but to maim an innocent child for religious reasons is wrong.

It's so controlling and forcing your opinions and ideas and way of life, ideals on a person to young to say no.

Because others do it/ have done it is not a good reason to go ahead. Some girls still undergo female circumsion forced on them by their so called loving families.

I know someone who had it done to his ds and was unwilling but bowed to family pressure. He had a few doctors say they didn't believe in it, but his mum and mil got involved, big family rift - he said no in the end, it's too barbaric.

NoodieRoodie · 14/12/2012 20:44

YANBU!

I'm sitting here having just put DS (13 months) to bed after a horrible day. He's had 3 hours of surgery which included circumcision for medical reasons.

DH is muslim and there is no way that DS would have gone through this if it hadn't have been medically necessary.

Alisvolatpropiis · 14/12/2012 20:44

YANBU.

Unless it is medically required I really really dislike the practice.

Sallyingforth · 14/12/2012 20:46

It's hateful.
The penis developed the way it is through generations of evolution. That means it's already the best possible natural shape, except in the very rare case of a congenital defect.

naturalbaby · 14/12/2012 20:54

From my point of view, as a mother of sons, I would be asking why it needs to be done rather than why it shouldn't be done. You can't slice a piece of your child's body off so that he can 'match' his father.

BigW · 14/12/2012 20:56

Giveitago - I get that and I would never judge anyone for their decision. I can understand how it must seem if it is not something you are used to. I more wanted to make the point that people have their reasons for doing/not doing it. It is a very personal decision. I am not 'hateful' and neither was my decision. OP should not be forced into doing anything that she is not comfortable with, but those mothers who choose to are not evil. My DS is absolutely fine. BTW, there were no stitches. It is a very small cut that does not require stiches.

Karoleann · 14/12/2012 21:00

Unless he's going to go to a jewish school, I don't think its an issue. I don't have anything against circumcism for religious reasons, but as he's only 1/4 jewish (and your'e not - so its unlikely that your husband is very religious either).
I would put my foot down.

TidyDancer · 14/12/2012 21:07

Oh gosh, YANBU. This can't be defended under the banner of religion and I unashamedly judge anyone who attempts to do this.

This is a totally unnecessary surgical procedure.

How dare it be defended because of a faith? That is utterly disgraceful.

GrrrArghZzzzYaayforall8nights · 14/12/2012 21:07

Just in case you wanted an argument: In the eyes of Judaism, your son is [potentially] a Noahide (ie, not Jewish) and there is no requirement for a Noahide to be circumcised. In fact some say it shouldn't be done to a Noahide as bris milah (circumcision, normally done at 8 days, and differs from a medical one) is a sign of the covenant between Jews and G-D, so it isn't appropriate for Noahides (also why Noahide don't do Shabbat). So by his own heritage/faith it shouldn't be done.

And I have never heard of a mohel using his fingernail Confused . Or anyone for that manner, even in Channukah stories of mothers doing it while facing death for doing so (seemed appropriate, given we're in the midst of it).

MildlyMiserable · 14/12/2012 21:17

My sons father wanted him circumcised, as he and his brothers were. I suggested if he wanted to cut a bit off we should start with the top of a finger and see how that went. Needless to say my son is not circumcised.

FourthTimeAround · 14/12/2012 21:20

"YOU ARE HIS MOTHER! Of course you get the final say!!!"

Care to elaborate?!..

JammySplodger · 14/12/2012 21:30

Fair enough on both getting an equal say, but 'so they fit in' is a really poor reason to do it. I would simply challenge him to come up with something better for your consideration, with all your reasons not to close at hand to bat back to him.

Butkin · 14/12/2012 21:31

Yanbu - don't let your DH do this to your son. Why should he have a bit cut off him, painfully, for some pseudo religious reason.

peaceandlovebunny · 14/12/2012 21:37

erm...circumcision won't make the slightest impact on his jewishness. he ain't jewish and that's a fact. you, his mother, are not jewish. his father isn't jewish if his (father's) own mother isn't jewish.

now the whole world will tell me they're half, quarter, eighth jewish. but that's not what the textbooks would tell you. textbooks say 'jewish mother or not jewish at all'.

i take it all those people who say that male circumcision is 'barbaric' have not pierced theirs or their daughters' ears, and do not have tattoos?

i'm not jewish by the way. i speak with no authority. doesn't stop me being right.

PacificDogwood · 14/12/2012 21:38

YANBU. But you know that already.

What about your son 'matching' your brother/father/uncle??
What a shite argument, sorry.

I have 4 boys and a husband, all intact Grin - none of their penises look the same and yet they are all perfect.

Yes, circumcision is a minor procedure compared to other surgery, but it is the only operative procedure done unnecessary to tiny infants. I think it is Wrong to do or to allow.

If you get away with 'just not saying anything', fair enough (although it does say dodgy things about communication in your relationship - I am saying this as someone married to a man whose whole family do not talk to each other in any kind of meaningful way Hmm); but if it does come up (and even 'lapsed' religious people can quite suddenly become funny about archaic rites when it comes to new offspring), I think you owe it to your son to make your point of view quite clear.

As others have said, once chopped off, you cannot put the foreskin back on. Let him decide when he is old enough.

SantaKissedBonkeyMollocks · 14/12/2012 21:41

If dh even suggested this to me after our ds was born (jewish, not, whatever) , he would be straight out the door!

If his culture was to cut a finger off - would you do it then?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 14/12/2012 21:50

Why do you think you can't have the final say?

Just take it. Insist on it. This is an organ from your perfect newborn baby's body. Let your husband know that you are a mother as well as his wife now and that you will do whatever you it takes to protect your baby.

Taking MildlyMiserables idea and telling your DH that if he wants to circumcise your baby, then he can cut off the tip of a middle finger, sounds like a good place to start.

Swipe left for the next trending thread