About not hearing from DH after his Xmas party?

[UntamedShrew]

I am so exhausted that I genuinely can't tell if I am being unreasonable about this, or he is.

DH's head office is in France, he goes about once a month. This week he managed to make sure his trip coincided with the office party there last night (he was at the London party last week).

I tried to call him last night to say goodnight to the DC - we have twins 3.5 and a 1 year old - but no reply, just got a text later to say it'd been busy and he was now having dinner.

I emailed this morning at 7am to say hi and let him know we had a rubbish night here. (Twin 1 coughing from midnight til 2, twin 2 saw a monster at four, baby howling from five on and off as she is teething.)

No reply. I tried to call at 11am, no answer.

Took DD for her MMR, then i called when home at midday and also sent an email saying let me know you are ok.

No reply... so I started getting really worried, definitely influenced by the sad thread on here I was reading in the early hours about a man dying at his Xmas party. I called his office at 12.30pm and they said they couldn't reach him.

He texted at one, so 2pm Paris time to say he'd just got up. I told him I'd called his office and he went mad - clearly I've got him in trouble and I couldn't give a shit

So AIBU? Am I just resenting his fun night out? Compared to my horrid 24 hours?! I was genuinely shaking as I called his office, the four of us here love and depend on him so much. He does deserve a chance to have fun but this was a bit much... Wasn't it?

Thanks for reading my very whiny and self indulgent post

there are clearly massive differences between what different people think are acceptable in these situations! Are we taking into account the age of OPs dcs here? She has three children under 4! How is it fine for her dh to just go off boozing and think it's U of her to be concerned where he is until 2pm the next day?

Anyway OP I hope things are a bit more sorted out today. LaQ although I see what you mean, I'd expect as a SAHM with three dcs these ages the OP may just be too knackered or not in the mood for a 'night out' herself. It is different when they're older. Maybe its more of a general thing whereby she is the 'responsible one' in the relationship and he pleases himself more? that's how it sounds to me anyway

there are clearly massive differences between what different people think are acceptable in these situations!

Yeah, but what strikes me is how little respect there is for different people's needs. If you care about your partner and your partner wants a phone call, surely you ring them? Fair enough if they quite like you being away and don't want to hear about you - as long as you're content with that, don't call. But it's several kinds of wrong to tell a person they mustn't be upset when their partner disregards their feelings.

Because I might be in a late meeting, Garlic, when I work in France I'm often in the office till 9pm local time. That's 10pm here and too late for bedtime. I will have tried to telephone earlier in the day and if I couldn't, my husband wouldn't think anything of it. He wouldn't have cause to think anything of it either.

I wouldn't NOT ring home to make a point and my husband knows that. He wouldn't ring me at the office unless it was vital - and I know that.

I'm wondering if this is really a gender thing? Something that some women will fret over but not men? It's very needy, in my opinion anyway. I'd feel like the shoe was about to drop at any minute if I hadn't 'toed the line', how horrid. I couldn't live like that.

See, I'm different from you Witch; I like to stay in touch with home while I'm away. I don't think I'm needy (obv!) While I was travelling, pre-internet, I wrote long letters home and was thrilled to hear back. These days I'd be messaging.

Similarly, I wouldn't - and didn't - enjoy being with someone who was only 'with' me while physically present. The relationship felt part-time to me. This was a different situation to OP's but the principle's the same.

Good thing you and I didn't get married, hey

YY, LeQ, but when did it become illegal to say "I can see I hurt your feelings and I'm sorry you felt stranded"?

In reality we are an extremely happily married purple, in which the DH cocked up massively last night (by not making any contact at all) and the DW over reacted due to complete exhaustion and possibly a nagging sense of over reliance on DH since becoming a mother.

OP, this describes our relationship to a tee a couple of years ago! My DH would go away for a 4 day golfing jolly every year, and it would piss me off no end that he was off spending a (comparative) fortune leaving me with a baby and a toddler. One year DD had a throat infection and he didn't bother to find out how she was. The next year, I had D&V one evening and he didn't remember to phone the next morning to check that I was able to look after the DCs by myself. Now they're a bit older, it doesn't bother me as much.

Maybe you were being a teensy bit U, but rightly or wrongly, I would have reacted in exactly the same way. I would also have been about his reaction when he came home. Is that sorted yet?

Sorry OP, I think YABU. I know it's hard being on your own with three small kids, and every sympathy for that, but if you're feeling resentful towards your DH, I think you need to look at what's missing in your own life and then do something about it. That may not be a wild night out on the town, but we do all need time when we put ourselves first. And your DH needs to support and facilitate that.

I don't really understand relationships where people have to stay constantly in touch with each other constantly. I would find it suffocating to have to keep texting my other half, and I'd hate it if he called me at work every day just to say hello. I'm trying to work FFS! Obviously there is nothing wrong with it if it suits both partners, but that level of neediness would drive me mad tbh.

garlic... I'm not Cruella DeVil, honestly. I agree that it's 'horses for courses' and what works for one couple or a person isn't the same for everyone. I like keeping in touch with home too but you know, it's harder sometimes to do that. I miss them when I'm away and for me, sometimes it's easier to try to put them out of my head and concentrate on other things because I physically can't be there. I'm sure that's the same for many partners - either gender - who work away. If I thought my family were stressing about it, it would be ten times worse for me and I still couldn't just upsticks and get home on a whim.

If I thought my husband were flapping and passing that vibe onto the children I'd be really annoyed because it's unnecessary and not what an adult should do. I'm not saying that OP is doing this but how can she not be if she's thinking of him in a bitch somewhere?

It all comes down to communication and if I were married to you, Garlic, you'd know that I loved you and kids to distraction, I'd ring/text when I could and if I couldn't - or didn't respond to a call/text immediately, there would be a reason for it - a good one - and I'd catch up with you asap when I could. You'd also know that if something had happened to me, the office would get in touch with you immediately. I'd expect you not to give me a hard time when I got home if I hadn't managed to do every bedtime.

BTW lyingwitch - you say you work until 9pm in France. That's 8pm over here, not 10 and not too late to phone or text.

I quite understand where OP is coming from,having been in the situqationof DH away for a week a month and having 3 small children under 5. This was in the days before emilas and texts but he still managed to keep in touch.

Blimey... that should be ditch not bitch, obviously.

You're right, captainmummy, but for kids in bed by 7pm, it's too late to speak to them. Obviously not a problem speaking to partner but it shouldn't feel at 'gunpoint' and that's perhaps what the issue is.

What really stood out to me was the 'lie-in' until 2pm - and then turning up still looking green by the time he'd got all the way from France! Whe hat time did he go to bed, and How much did he drink, fgs?

It's more like he's scuppered his own chances in his job; incapacitated at the xmas do is a complete no-no. Esp in Franc, wehre they take drink a bit more seriously. I bet the only people drunk there were Brits.

If your dad normally calls at bedtime when he is away then he that is ignoring his children when he just buggers off on an unexplained blowout and is uncontactable. How do you explain that to the children? It makes a big difference what is normal, if you don't normally have checking in (as I don't I might add) then it doesn't cause a problem, if you do then it does. No-one's saying he doesn't care about his family, simply that he had behaved unreasonably, that's all.

And I think it is poor form to blame a "nagging wife" for their husband's inadequacy in articulating their feelings... How sexist...

Thank you for your comments. We are getting there.. I'm just hoping the kids aren't picking up on anything but don't think they are.

He is behaving apologetically but has yet to say sorry. Usual pattern is that he won't until about 9pm tonight

It is interesting how differently people can read the same situation. Lots of you think that a 7am email is OTT and I can see how it might appear so. But that's what we do. The kids are up after that and I won't get a chance to check in with him, so it's quite normal for us to send something first thing. I thought there would be a reply by 11 which is the next chance I got to check. It's quite hectic in our house once all the kids are up and on the go.

As for saying goodnight, our kids go to bed 7.30 so 7 is a normal time for us to have this sort of call.

And tons of you think I was 'moaning'. I told him it'd been a bad night but spared him the details. I knew that on a normal day that'd be his first question. I just didn't know this wasn't a normal day - I had no idea he'd go for it in such a big way! We always talk about what sort if night we have had, we are sleep deprived hence sleep obsessed.

After that I didn't speak to him so didn't get a chance to moan much as I'd have loved to

DH wouldn't accuse me of moaning. I've definitely had more stick from you lot

Just to add, he feels he is justified in having such a big night out and lie in because he is usually so good & involved with the kids and in contact and hard working and so on.

But it's precisely because he is all of those things that I was so worried when he suddenly and unexpectedly, wasn't.

I think we are both able to see the other side now but I would like him to openly say as much. Rather than sheepishly offer me a five euro box of lindts