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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About not hearing from DH after his Xmas party?

355 replies

UntamedShrew · 14/12/2012 13:37

I am so exhausted that I genuinely can't tell if I am being unreasonable about this, or he is.

DH's head office is in France, he goes about once a month. This week he managed to make sure his trip coincided with the office party there last night (he was at the London party last week).

I tried to call him last night to say goodnight to the DC - we have twins 3.5 and a 1 year old - but no reply, just got a text later to say it'd been busy and he was now having dinner.

I emailed this morning at 7am to say hi and let him know we had a rubbish night here. (Twin 1 coughing from midnight til 2, twin 2 saw a monster Hmm at four, baby howling from five on and off as she is teething.)

No reply. I tried to call at 11am, no answer.

Took DD for her MMR, then i called when home at midday and also sent an email saying let me know you are ok.

No reply... so I started getting really worried, definitely influenced by the sad thread on here I was reading in the early hours about a man dying at his Xmas party. I called his office at 12.30pm and they said they couldn't reach him.

He texted at one, so 2pm Paris time to say he'd just got up. I told him I'd called his office and he went mad - clearly I've got him in trouble and I couldn't give a shit

So AIBU? Am I just resenting his fun night out? Compared to my horrid 24 hours?! I was genuinely shaking as I called his office, the four of us here love and depend on him so much. He does deserve a chance to have fun but this was a bit much... Wasn't it?

Thanks for reading my very whiny and self indulgent post Blush

OP posts:
garlicbaubles · 15/12/2012 01:16

OK, I've only read the first page and your last two updates, OP. I think he's being a twat. I disagree 100% with whois and everyone else who thinks the poor muffin should be allowed to pretend he has no family because he has a penis isn't there. He has got a family. He owes it to you to acknowledge your existence, especially when he's on a jolly and you aren't!

I really hope he's developed some charisma by the time you read this, because in your last updates he was doing a great impression of an arsehole. YANBU!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/12/2012 08:06

Oh really Garlic? What about from the other side? A woman who works away from home much of the time. My husband wouldn't carry on like OP has. If he did, we'd be talking about it to see what the problem was and what compromise could be reached. Neither of us would be ranting about it on a chatboard putting up with randoms calling one or other of us names.

I've attended three work 'jollies' this month. It's anything but that for me, I'd rather not be there. It's required, whether written in my contract or not, definitely expected. If I had to send long texts like the one suggested by aprilsunshine, it would certainly be a chore. How did we ever cope before text messages?

We all have families; it's the responsibility of both parents - yes. When one is away the other physically cares for children. If I hear one more time about "you're carrying his baby after all", I'll be sick. Makes women sound so feeble when they are anything but that. It's the decision of both parents to have the children - the woman included - and as a woman, that phrase - and anything similar - makes me furious.

HoHoHokeyCokeyPigInAPokey · 15/12/2012 08:14

The op says she's resentful, she was a home with three kids under four, that's bloody hard work.

IMO you should always be able to contact your partner, dh or dw if you have kids, unless you are in meeting ect.

Getting pissed and going off radar for hours, probably knowing his dw was stressed and would worry was a shitty thing to do. What if there had been an emergency?

I would be pissed off with dh for this as equally he would be with me.

NapaCab · 15/12/2012 08:18

YANBU, I would be pretty annoyed if my DH was away on business and went AWOL like this. He generally checks in with a text message whenever he can or he actually calls me and he usually travels in Asia where the time difference makes it really tricky to talk to each other.

Your DH has three young kids, he's not a 20-something single guy who can just let loose and enjoy the Christmas party season. He needs to get real and grow up and be at the end of the phone when he should be.

By the way, when are you having your Christmas night out when he'll be taking care of the kids on his own while you party? Soon, I hope...

TheNebulousBoojum · 15/12/2012 08:21

He's being a prat, if he doesn't want you to fuss and fret, then he should keep in contact.
It's the rule I had in place when my children were teenagers and out on the razzle. I love you beyond reason. Make me afraid for your safety and whereabouts and I will show you how unreasonable that love is. I will keep you so safe that Alcatraz will look like a Butlins holiday camp. Keep in touch.
He is no longer an individual self-centred teen, your DH has a family that care and he should recognise that. Yes to always being contactable unless the circumstances completely preclude that, and then once the lockdown has ended, you are back in contact again ASAP.

TheNebulousBoojum · 15/12/2012 08:23

'If one of you had had an accident, what would he be able to do from France?'

Raise the alarm.

Offred · 15/12/2012 08:23

Ok lyin but can you not also see that all this "poor men having to also be responsible for children when at work" is quite silly. I don't get all the people saying she would know if something had happened, why would she? If he has stupidly and pointlessly got that drunk that he doesn't turn up to work and is passed out and doesn't hear his phone ringing until 2pm and still looks green when he gets home then he was drunk enough to choke on his own vomit in his hotel room or come to grief in the street trying to get there neither of those things would necessarily have been discovered, him identified and her told before 2pm. It was out of character for him not to check in and she was worried. He swore at her because he had got himself in trouble at work and was blaming her. I don't think she should have gone on at him when he got home but I probably would have done too.

Offred · 15/12/2012 08:26

It isn't about having any of the family having an accident either it is about absenting himself from his family. Fair enough sometimes people need to but rather than just going AWOL the responsible thing is to explain what you are doing and why beforehand because otherwise people worry.

TheSecondComing · 15/12/2012 08:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheNebulousBoojum · 15/12/2012 08:43

OH and I have very different social circles, as well as a joint social life. Likewise adult children. We still keep in contact at key points when away.
OP has already been very honest about the element of whinge and resentment. Smile

Offred · 15/12/2012 09:06

I don't see how it is relevant what you do tsc...

In the op's family they do normally chat about what is happening and check in and this was out of character and he did not explain that he wanted to have space. I think also it is incredibly irresponsible to not turn up to work in the morning work jolly or not.

TheSecondComing · 15/12/2012 09:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2rebecca · 15/12/2012 09:23

Bananarama I can't see where the OP said her husband swore at her when he was in Paris, just that he was angry when she said she'd been chasing him up at his office.

bigkidsdidit · 15/12/2012 09:31

I agree with TSC

If DH rang me at work every day and texted multiple times while I was at at a conference (which I frequently am) I would be baffled and cross. I ring at bedtime to say goodnight to DS and that's it

BananaramaLlama · 15/12/2012 09:33

"UntamedShrew Fri 14-Dec-12 14:14:28
Queenie just a general what? you called the office? you can't do that! Fuckssake. Grr.

He wasn't very verbose."

Here.

Offred · 15/12/2012 10:32

So, IF he is bothered by checking in, the appropriate and adult way to deal with that is to ignore his wife and children, get absolutely blasted, end up unconscious through alcohol in a foreign country and put his job at risk by failing to turn up at work and then swear at his wife when she is worried by the change in the normal routine? Surely that's just pathetic. Taking responsibility doesn't necessarily mean checking in, it means not unilaterally checking out.

LaQueen · 15/12/2012 10:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheSecondComing · 15/12/2012 10:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

garlicbaubles · 15/12/2012 10:53

Witch, you're projecting: "I've attended three work 'jollies' this month. It's anything but that for me, I'd rather not be there." Not the same as OP's husband, who made sure he could go to the France party as well as the England one last week.

Whether a wanted jolly or not, I disagree with everybody who claims being away with work makes you single and family-free! Surely a responsible partner realises their other half might want to hear from them now and again? In OP's shoes, I would have liked a bedtime call, however drunk and slurry it might be - and, when I was married and travelling on business, I did make those calls. Home doesn't cease to exist because you're not there.

LaQueen · 15/12/2012 10:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/12/2012 10:53

What LaQueen said - and TSC. Makes me ashamed to be a woman sometimes when I see so many seemingly 'celebrate' the hold they think they have - and feel perfectly entitled to have, on their partners. Pathetic.

Oh - and where does it say that OP thought her husband might have put his job at risk? I just see a gleeful, "Oops, scuppered that one" at the thought that his offices might have expected him at the other one the next day.

garlicbaubles · 15/12/2012 10:54

What Offred said at 10:32!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/12/2012 10:56

garlic, I'm not projecting. Neither your experience nor mine is relevant. I've tried to put myself in OP's shoes with difficulty. I'm in her husband's shoes really. I know that I wouldn't tolerate that kind of nonsense on my return. Being away from home - work or play - doesn't mean that you're abdicating your responsibility as a parent.

garlicbaubles · 15/12/2012 10:57

So why don't you ring home at bedtime, Witch?

CindySherman · 15/12/2012 10:57

YABU
Christ the guy was on a weekend away and you wanted to moan about the kids to him. Couldn't that have waited until he got back. You also drew attention to the fact that he was away from work and got dropped him in it at work.
Why did you think he was dead he had a night out Confused