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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About not hearing from DH after his Xmas party?

355 replies

UntamedShrew · 14/12/2012 13:37

I am so exhausted that I genuinely can't tell if I am being unreasonable about this, or he is.

DH's head office is in France, he goes about once a month. This week he managed to make sure his trip coincided with the office party there last night (he was at the London party last week).

I tried to call him last night to say goodnight to the DC - we have twins 3.5 and a 1 year old - but no reply, just got a text later to say it'd been busy and he was now having dinner.

I emailed this morning at 7am to say hi and let him know we had a rubbish night here. (Twin 1 coughing from midnight til 2, twin 2 saw a monster Hmm at four, baby howling from five on and off as she is teething.)

No reply. I tried to call at 11am, no answer.

Took DD for her MMR, then i called when home at midday and also sent an email saying let me know you are ok.

No reply... so I started getting really worried, definitely influenced by the sad thread on here I was reading in the early hours about a man dying at his Xmas party. I called his office at 12.30pm and they said they couldn't reach him.

He texted at one, so 2pm Paris time to say he'd just got up. I told him I'd called his office and he went mad - clearly I've got him in trouble and I couldn't give a shit

So AIBU? Am I just resenting his fun night out? Compared to my horrid 24 hours?! I was genuinely shaking as I called his office, the four of us here love and depend on him so much. He does deserve a chance to have fun but this was a bit much... Wasn't it?

Thanks for reading my very whiny and self indulgent post Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
UntamedShrew · 14/12/2012 18:50

Wow, so many posts!

LaQ you did, albeit in a straw that broke camel's back / kicking a girl when she's down. I really appreciate your apology.

Lots of questions and assumptions about our marriage, which I will try to address.

DH is a great husband, usually. He works really hard so five days a week it is me who gets the kids up and me who puts them to bed. But come the weekend he is a very hands on dad and he spends pretty much all his time either working or with the kids and me. We are both knackered in different ways.

This means he deserves time off and I send him off with good grace. It's not often so this isn't hard. This month he has been to the rugby once and had a night out, that's it apart from the work do x 2.

However. It's precisely because it was so out of character that I was so worried.

What I really thought this morning? That he was in work, his blackberry had died and he was too busy to remember us. When I phoned and was told he wasn't in work today I was completely floored. The possibility he was still in bed at 2pm didn't even occur to me.

He usually lets me know where he is and we communicate often. For example at the London party he texted mid evening to see if the kids were down for the night ok, then emailed me at 2am to say I'm in the spare room in case you're worried - he was right to as I checked my phone at about 3 when up with our baby.

The assumption that there was 'more to it' last night are way off. He wouldn't cheat. And the assumption I'm needy and controlling are off the mark too. In reality we are an extremely happily married purple, in which the DH cocked up massively last night (by not making any contact at all) and the DW over reacted due to complete exhaustion and possibly a nagging sense of over reliance on DH since becoming a mother. That's my view of it from a step back, anyway.

I don't want a night out. I would like a small lie in tomorrow. I just wanted to know he was ok and such out of character behaviour really, really scared me.

OP posts:
NuclearStandoff · 14/12/2012 19:02

I haven't read the whole thread. But... I do think you are being a teeny weeny bit U.

I have been in this situation loads of times too, and speak from experience.

No matter how frustrating it is to be stuck at home with the kids having a miserable time while your dh is out being wined, dined and probably not giving his family a second thought - it's never a good idea to try and make him feel bad about it, at the time or after. It just isn't. No point telling him what a shit time you are having, it doesn't make you look good.

I think that was the real issue. If something bad had happened, you know you would have found out somehow.

Just make sure you get your good times out occasionally too and let DH handle the childcare. And it gets so much easier as your dc get older.

Offred · 14/12/2012 19:09

I don't think it is unreasonable for a parent to have social time but when you have little ones you have to accept that something may happen to cut that social time short because it is just social time and drinking way more than you should is not more important than your family. It isn't fair to get totally blasted in a foreign country, be uncontactable for hours and so drunk you fail to turn up to work. That's just unacceptable. Since I've been a parent even if I've been out until 4 or 5 I've still got up at 7 with the children, even when we went away a couple of weekends ago we were still able to be contacted by our sitters who did call at 8am one morning, it isn't difficult it is just your responsibility as a parent to make sure you are available. His reaction to your calling work when you didn't hear from him and were worried is not on at all. I don't think it is unreasonable to email someone who is meant to be in work at 7am.

sarahseashell · 14/12/2012 20:37

OP YANBU and you sound, understandably, utterly knackered.
Could you do something nice for you such as a massage and then he agrees to do all the getting up with dcs for a night or two, so you can get some rest?

sarahseashell · 14/12/2012 20:39

ps FWIW I'd have been worried too in your situation and think it's totally out of order when one parent thinks they can just 'check out' of all parenting responsibilities without prior agreement. I expect that's something you wouldn't want to do anyway. It sounds like you're doing far more than him childcare wise (outside of work hours) which is so often the case with the SAHM arrangement IMO and it's very hard not to get resentful.

Original poster
UntamedShrew · 14/12/2012 20:45

Fuck me. DH is home and looking a bit green. I am cooking our dinner and said, you can see why I called can't you?

Blank look.

I explained I expected he was there and so no big deal to call and say hello. He walked off.

I followed, said sorry am I boring you?
DH:.honey I don't want to have this conversation again.
Me: again? We didn't have this conversatIon yet.
DH: we did, this morning, afternoon, whenever it was.
Me: ok let's not go into it but can you at least please put yourself in my shoes just for a minute.
DH: Fuckssake.

He's being such a twat about this! I know it's his hangover talking and yeah I'm annoying him by bringing it up but I am furious with him now. All he had to do was say sorry. He is very bad at saying sorry.

And now I'll finish cooking dinner and it'll probably choke me.

OP posts:
sarahseashell · 14/12/2012 20:49

OP maybe move this thread or re-post in relationships?

sorry to hear this Sad it sounds awful

peaceandlovebunny · 14/12/2012 20:55

pack his bags. oh, he has them with him.
change the locks.
that wasn't innocent, all that 'disappearing', was it?

Blu · 14/12/2012 21:13

It sounds to me as if he has a very bad head, feels sick, rough and tired.

Shakey1500 · 14/12/2012 21:13

Change the locks??? Really? Just a tad overboard Hmm

Yanbu to have expected a text, phone call etc. Perhaps ringing the office was OTT but it was done out of worry which is understandable if it's out of character.

He's obviously got the mother of all hangovers and as it seems he's agood egg otherwise, I would let it drop for now and make sure you get a break soon.

BOFingSanta · 14/12/2012 21:15

He's being a bit of a dickhead. I hope you're cooking a fish curry?

HoHoHokeyCokeyPigInAPokey · 14/12/2012 21:18

YANBU at all.

Yes fine he can go out and have a great time, get as pissed as he wants but a text to let you know he is alright is no too much to expect.

TheOriginalLadyFT · 14/12/2012 21:40

You are definitely NBU - I would be furious with my DH if he pulled a stunt like that. And as for the continuing attitude at home ... well, that would ring alarm bells with me. Fair play, I'm cynical and have trust issues, but his behaviour reeks of a guilty secret

theboutiquemummy · 14/12/2012 21:46

Why don't you arrange a girls weekend away and leave your mobile at home, I bet he'd wet himself silly

Hes just being a selfish dick but he needs to make arrangements and stick to them esp you are dealing with the 3 fractious children all by yourself. As its saturday get yourself up and dressed and bugger off for the day just to give yourself a bit of a boost and a break

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/12/2012 21:48

All the speculation about guilty secrets is unfounded unless you know something, OP. To be honest, I'd be cross with you if you tried to track me down at my office without a good reason, ie. somebody is seriously ill and you needed me home asap.

My company's head office is also in France and I work out of the London one; I check in with my husband when I arrive and that's it - I'm generally busy. You know that your husband was alright, you would have heard if not, so what's behind the need for constant reassurance?

I can understand why your husband is annoyed; I would be too. You'll have to talk through this together and come to some sort of agreement regarding contact when he's away.

quesadilla · 14/12/2012 22:09

It's a question of degree for me: yes he's entitled to a night out on the razz and you probably did overdo it a bit with 7am email/call to office. But the bottom line is he could have made more effort, he clearly could tell you were stressed and a bit rattled and it wouldn't have been unreasonable for him to have called after he had slept off the worst of the hangover. You probably made a bad situation worse but YANBU and he does owe you an apology.

2rebecca · 14/12/2012 23:18

From his point of view it sounds as though you started getting at him not long after he returned and probably weren't saying anything different to what you said earlier. You don't win arguments by just repeatedly making the same point over and over again. He knows you were upset about it, you've already told him.
You're obviously wanting him to admit it was all his fault and you are the saintly wronged one just because for 1 night he only sent you an email/ text and didn't phone you the next morning when you knew he was at an office party.
I'm not sure what he is supposed to be apologising for. He sent a text on the evening of the party saying he was busy and didn't phone the next day because he was asleep. Was he supposed to set an alarm at a certain time so he could phone home? He phoned as soon as he woke up.

BananaramaLlama · 14/12/2012 23:25

Maybe he's supposed to apologise for swearing at his wife for phoning him at work?

CajaDeLaMemoria · 14/12/2012 23:28

I feel for you, untamed.

For what it's worth, OH is at his party tonight and I'm worrying already. He text me at 6pm to say he'd left work but that's it, nothing til now. It's not like him at all, he usually texts me every hour or so while he's out.

I wasn't too bothered but he didn't take a key for some reason, and he was due to get the last train home twenty minutes ago and hasn't told me he has like he normally would. It's possible his phone is dead but then I won't know when he's here to let him in, and I did tell him to take a charger.

It would take five seconds to let me know he's okay... But I'm trying not to be angry.

Just thought I'd let you know you are not alone. I've always thought that it's basic courtesy to check in every now and again, and he would expect me too too.

2rebecca · 14/12/2012 23:33

He was swearing at his frustration with her bringing up the argument again, not her phoning him at work and it sounded more like an expression of frustration than him swearing AT her. He was just swearing. I don't like swearing but the OP did say earlier she wasn't going to drag it up again which seemed sensible, but she has, shortly after him getting home.
The OP won't be happy until he has made a grovelling apology whether he feels he has done something wrong or not.

BananaramaLlama · 14/12/2012 23:41

He swore at her when she phoned him in France.

TheSecondComing · 14/12/2012 23:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyLittleAprilSunshine · 15/12/2012 00:09

In my opinion, YANBU.

I think you'd have to be very, very, very drunk to not be able to send a quick text saying 'just getting into bed at 3am hope you and kids are ok will give you a call tomorrow doubt it be early though this heads gonna hurt x' or something like that.

Why wouldn't you want to spend 1 minute of your time to reassure someone you love that you are OK? Even if a bit tipsy, surely you could send that text or email?

MyLittleAprilSunshine · 15/12/2012 00:10

I'd phone the office too if I was worried he might be really ill/mugged etc. Because if you aren't there, you don't know do you? I'd rather him be a bit peeved than not know and something bad had happened to him.

But that's just me.

whois · 15/12/2012 01:04

I've not read the whole thread.

YABU

The guy is most likely asleep or hungover with a dead phone or the phone is out of sight not getting looked at while at work.

I feel v sorry for a lot of men at work. Their wives/girlfriends always ringing in the evening giving them hassle about why they haven't called and why they aren't home. Because they are busy at work!

In this case obvs more likely to be super hungover but same principle applies.

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