About not hearing from DH after his Xmas party?

[UntamedShrew]

I am so exhausted that I genuinely can't tell if I am being unreasonable about this, or he is.

DH's head office is in France, he goes about once a month. This week he managed to make sure his trip coincided with the office party there last night (he was at the London party last week).

I tried to call him last night to say goodnight to the DC - we have twins 3.5 and a 1 year old - but no reply, just got a text later to say it'd been busy and he was now having dinner.

I emailed this morning at 7am to say hi and let him know we had a rubbish night here. (Twin 1 coughing from midnight til 2, twin 2 saw a monster at four, baby howling from five on and off as she is teething.)

No reply. I tried to call at 11am, no answer.

Took DD for her MMR, then i called when home at midday and also sent an email saying let me know you are ok.

No reply... so I started getting really worried, definitely influenced by the sad thread on here I was reading in the early hours about a man dying at his Xmas party. I called his office at 12.30pm and they said they couldn't reach him.

He texted at one, so 2pm Paris time to say he'd just got up. I told him I'd called his office and he went mad - clearly I've got him in trouble and I couldn't give a shit

So AIBU? Am I just resenting his fun night out? Compared to my horrid 24 hours?! I was genuinely shaking as I called his office, the four of us here love and depend on him so much. He does deserve a chance to have fun but this was a bit much... Wasn't it?

Thanks for reading my very whiny and self indulgent post

I am not resentful of my DH having a break sometimes as he works really hard... and I get the impression the OP feels the same.

However, I suppose that if I was in her position; tired, grumpy etc. there would be a bit of a temptation to compare their relative situations in the heat of the moment and feel a little hard-done-by but actually - so what? It's not a crime and it would have been a transient thing, that a little sympathy in the form of a call would have obliterated.

Pandemoniaa - 'What was he supposed to do with this knowledge?' Nothing practical - just some words of comfort and ideas how he can make it up to her in the future? FFS!!

Shrew YANBU & Y(may)BU! .

YANBU as in this situation I would have expected a quick text from DH at the end of the night just to know that he was ok. My DH travels with work too and he knows this.

However Y(may)BU as this is key. Did you actually ask you DH to let you know he wasn't dead at the end of the night/thought that you may have been struggling with him away?

DH & I had some big arguments similar to this until we had couple counselling. The main thing we learnt is that as 2 different people we had different expectations of what/wasn't needed. We both assumed (often subconsciously) that the other knew this and when the other didn't act in the way one of us expected we got upset as we felt let down.

Have a chat with your DH explain why you were upset and agree how to handle a similar situation in future that you'd both be happy with.

I have 2 under 2 so completely understand where you're coming from on the resentment front too. I think some posters are being a bit harsh. When you're tired and sleep deprived things that seem small and petty actually become a big deal.

Hope you sort it out, OP.

YANBU, its all down to courtesy. Maybe calling the office was a step too far but as you hadnt heard from him since early the previous evening i can see why you did call the office, he should understand that you were concerned and if you call the London office with no issue then I dont see why it would be an issue this time round.
We dont have children yet but my DH and I always keep in touch if we are apart and i would expect this to increase once we have children.
Give yourself a break and do not beat yourself up over this.

I don't get the whole notion that once a parent is away from home then s/he has somehow she her/himself of all responsibilities.

A parent should always, always be contactable. Maybe s/he couldn't get home easily, but in an emergency it's vital that the parent at home can talk to the other and agree how to deal with the situation in hand.

" somehow shed"

Hmm. Maybe you could have held off a little longer calling his office, but I don't think you're unreasonable to have felt worried. I would have started to worry about my DH too, especially if I knew he was having a wild night out of the country and I hadn't heard from him since dinner. And TBH, my DH would hit the ceiling if I stayed out all night at a work Xmas do and didn't get in touch until 2pm the next day.

If the lack of contact for that length of time was out of character for him, YANBU.

ahhh for the days BEFORE the invention of the mobile phone...

I have to have mine with me for work, but it pisses me off no end when people ring me up just to see what I am doing.. bog off!!!!

YANBU - my dh would text every day from the other side of the world when working abroad, esp when the dc were tiny. I'm a bit and at a 2pm lie-in - what time did he get to bed FGS?

I don;t blame you for being a bit unreasonable about that either, OP. I suggest you ask DH for a long, long lie-in this weekend. Remind him that you are doing a 24 hour job, with no xmas party (let alone 2!) and not even lunch-breaks.

You sound exhausted and fed-up and it is no good for your relationship for one to get the fun and the other all the crap. Don;t let it fester, stand up for your fun-rights!

If I was out on the razz for one night, in another country I don't expect I would be that thrilled to be getting repeat calls from someone moaning about a home situation I could do precisely nothing about.

I honestly do have every sympathy for your tiredness and hard work but I think you need to just suck it up and then ruthlessly take YOUR time when he gets back. Honestly get yourself out the door and don't look back. I wish I had done more of this instead of trying to get my ex to see how selfish he was being (by that I mean disappearing and being uncontactable for anywhere between 3 - 5 days at a time repeatedly). Moaning at them achieves nothing but rows and bad feeling. Take your fair share just take it.

As for phoning his office, tough tit for him, you have every right to if you really need to get hold of him and he can lump it.

ProbablyJustGas - my DPhas been known to come to the pub looking for me if I miss texts from him! He's walked in while I'm with some girlfriends, having not noticed his texts over the course of a few hours. (The signal in the pub is not great either) I totally agree that if I was uncontactable from dinner to 2pm the following day (in this day and age with texts/facebook/twitter/emails its unacceptable to be out of contact) he would be on the plane, not just phoning the office!

I like DH to 'check in' when he's away from home, but if he has a night out I don't feel he shoud have to.
But we usually end up in a similar situation, he tells me he'll call a a certain time then I don't hear from him until the next day or something. Of course that's going to make me worry!

Take away the expectation of a call and problem solved! My DH has yet to master this technique :-)

I think you should be cut some slack here tbh as you have very young, ill children and your dh is at party number 2 while you hold the fort. But then my dp would always touch base no matter what so maybe my expectations are different.

YANBU to feel the way you do.

My dp is utterly awful at calling when he's away at work - simply because he's concentrating on work (both proper work and work shmoozing). But like givemeaname if we had small children I'd make it clear to him that he'd better improve his communication skills!

P.S. I reckon there's nothing wrong with expecting your dp to get in touch, even if it's just so you can complain at him and get some sympathy back. (Surely this is the great things about friends and partners -that you can rant at them!) A simple 'That sounds horrible. Sorry I'm not there to help.' can make a big difference to the resent-ometer.

Moaning..? I sent one email saying we'd had a bad night (no details). Other than that I just tried to reach him but without luck.

Anyway looks like a 50/50 split on verdict! At least having the row here means I can't be arsed to tonight so we can't just forget it and move on.

Thank you all (well most of you ) for your comments, both sides were helpful to hear.

The baby is awake now and very cross about her jabs, so I'm off. Thanks again& bye for now.

10 am at the latest for a lie in.

If I were you when he gets home he'd be handed all the babies while you go off out and enjoy yourself.

I'd be RAVINGLY RAVINGLY resentful

So he went France just for the Christmas do?

No work as well?

In which case why not say not to contact him?

I know an absolutely ravishingly good looking marine. He most definitely causes twinges of some sort.

OP I do actually agree with LeQ but I would be in an almighty piss too if I was in your shoes and I bet you're not being yourself right now. You really do need a night out and some time off.

YY Hully. My DH used to get home from work when the twins were little and I used to push past him in the doorway and drive off quite regularly. Sometimes I would get 5 miles down the road before I decided that I would return home!

I feel very sorry for the OP.

Yanbu

He is a twat to get angry with you for calling his office. You were only trying to check he wasn't lying in a ditch somewhere.

How very dare you be so concerned about his welfare

Hope you have a better night tonight.

Wow OP you are getting a hard time. He is on Party Number 2 while you care for ill children and he is cross when you try to contact him....??

YANBU

Ok so he was unlikely to be dead and you probably seemed a bit histrionic but I have had similar situations where tiredness, resentment and crossness all mix together to create a bit more of a drama than usual.

I would sit down with him and try and get him to reverse the situation - you in Paris partying (for the second time), him not having had a proper 100% night out for 4 years. And then book a proper night out and stay away if you can.

I get irritated by the fact that my dh gets to completely let his hair down, go out without a phone etc etc when I have never ever managed this. OK irrational maybe, but we are human....

captainmummy I would find that strange tbh...

Who is the person who decides what is an acceptable time fo ra line in? If I go out, DP knows that I am not getting up the next day till I am good and ready and vice versa. That is pre planned between us. If it was an unexpected night, then we would cut some slack for each other. Just because I have a child and go out doesnt mean I shirk responsibility to my child. We are equally responsible for our children. On occasion the balance might tip in the other persons direction but its not like he went on the piss and left the kids at home alone. He was in another country. On a night she knew about. She had already spoken to him. If something had happened, she would have heard about it.

I dont discount your feelings OP, like I said upthread it sucks that he gets all the fun and you dont. But I agree with the other poster who says demand YOUR time and TAKE it every oppertunity you get.

Marines you say??? Who do I PM my address to???

You were probably a bit unreasonable but I would have been the same myself. You were just worried that he hadn't phoned. It's a shame you are resentful that he is out partying whilst your are at home with three small children but that is quite understandable. Maybe you should be asked to be taken out somewhere nice as a treat. Meal and theatre if you can afford it. Drop some hints. That's what I would do if this had annoyed me.