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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About not hearing from DH after his Xmas party?

355 replies

UntamedShrew · 14/12/2012 13:37

I am so exhausted that I genuinely can't tell if I am being unreasonable about this, or he is.

DH's head office is in France, he goes about once a month. This week he managed to make sure his trip coincided with the office party there last night (he was at the London party last week).

I tried to call him last night to say goodnight to the DC - we have twins 3.5 and a 1 year old - but no reply, just got a text later to say it'd been busy and he was now having dinner.

I emailed this morning at 7am to say hi and let him know we had a rubbish night here. (Twin 1 coughing from midnight til 2, twin 2 saw a monster Hmm at four, baby howling from five on and off as she is teething.)

No reply. I tried to call at 11am, no answer.

Took DD for her MMR, then i called when home at midday and also sent an email saying let me know you are ok.

No reply... so I started getting really worried, definitely influenced by the sad thread on here I was reading in the early hours about a man dying at his Xmas party. I called his office at 12.30pm and they said they couldn't reach him.

He texted at one, so 2pm Paris time to say he'd just got up. I told him I'd called his office and he went mad - clearly I've got him in trouble and I couldn't give a shit

So AIBU? Am I just resenting his fun night out? Compared to my horrid 24 hours?! I was genuinely shaking as I called his office, the four of us here love and depend on him so much. He does deserve a chance to have fun but this was a bit much... Wasn't it?

Thanks for reading my very whiny and self indulgent post Blush

OP posts:
Pandemoniaa · 14/12/2012 14:28

I can understand you feeling resentful. You'd have to be a saint if you didn't compare your own crappy night at home with three tiny dcs with a night of Christmas carousing in Paris. I'd resent that.

But where you are unreasonable is the way you've paid him back for having the gall to go out and enjoy himself. You must have known that phoning his office was a Bad Idea. As was phoning him at 7am if you wanted a civilised and thoughtful conversation.

Next year, tell him that yes, you will resent his ability to go out in delightful European cities and have fun. But you'd rather he knew this now than you turn into something of a bunny boiler after the event.

mycatlikestwiglets · 14/12/2012 14:29

YANBU to have been worried - I assume you expected your DH to be up and at work this morning, in which case he would have been checking emails/responding to calls. As you weren't able to get hold of him, you panicked - I probably would have too in your situation because I worry about DH being taken advantage of when he's out drinking.

I think you were probably a bit unreasonable to call his office but I understand why you did, especially if it's out of character for him not to have contacted you. That said, he WBU imo to have responded the way he did about it even if you were a bit over the top, but then he's probably hungover and not really seeing it from your perspective.

LaQueen · 14/12/2012 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

adeucalione · 14/12/2012 14:30

Oh come on sleigh, isn't there anything you wouldn't mind your partner knowing but would prefer your employer not to know? Like the fact that you're taking the morning off to sleep in with a hangover.

mycatlikestwiglets · 14/12/2012 14:31

(To be clear, when I say "being taken advantage of" I mean by thieves or beaten up, not by women!)

SamSmalaidh · 14/12/2012 14:31

I don't think YABU at all!

If you were expecting him to have a big night out and a day off the following day, then no problem.

But if you were expecting him to be in the office from 9am or whatever, and he wasn't contactable, then fair enough.

I would also have been worried if DH was abroad, had been out the night before and then hadn't shown up at work the next day as expected.

MrsFlibble · 14/12/2012 14:33

Can we please give the OP a break, OP you sound really stressed, and you probably would admit you went overboard with worry, tell him that you were just stressed out and worried, if hes a good husband, he'll understand, and then take some time out for yourself.

sandyballs · 14/12/2012 14:35

You've got a lot on your plate with toddler twins and a baby and it can completely skew your perceptions of things. I think a lot of us have been there. I only had twins, but I do remember being a bit like this with DH when they were small and I'm just not that sort of person at all under normal circumstances. Definitely a resentment that DH life carried on as normal, during the week at least, more or less whilst a hand grenade was thrown into mine, even though the babies were very much wanted.

You must try and get out yourself, plan a night out, things will improve as they get older.

BelaLugosisShed · 14/12/2012 14:35

If my DH could manage to ring me every night, from a war zone, 22 years ago when there were no mobile phones, a man on a jolly in bloody Paris should be able to manage a text or a phone call.

Someone who gets so drunk at a works party they are unable to act like a considerate human being and contact their wife and children is doing themself far more harm professionally than a concerned wife trying to contact her husband could ever do.

People who are more concerned what their colleagues think than they are about their partner need to get their priorities right.

OwlLady · 14/12/2012 14:36

laqueen that's unnecessary, you have made me cry all this touching the marines as well, it's just not fair

wordfactory · 14/12/2012 14:36

Can I just ask why phoning the office is a bad idea?

I regularly phone my DH's office. His secretary is far more likely to know his diary than he is! She is lovely. Always helpful.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 14/12/2012 14:37

"Oh come on sleigh, isn't there anything you wouldn't mind your partner knowing but would prefer your employer not to know? Like the fact that you're taking the morning off to sleep in with a hangover."

But she didn't know that.

She thought he was at work because he was out of phone contact for over 12 hours and didn't tell her what he was doing.

diddl · 14/12/2012 14:38

I think it depends on if he was supposed to be going in to work the morning after the party?

If not, I´d have left him to sleep.

If yes-then what´s the problem with phoning?

Original poster
UntamedShrew · 14/12/2012 14:39

Unpleasant. Moral high ground. Overly dramatic. Oh but as long as you didn't mean to be rude that's ok then. Please, again, lay off a little. I asked if I was being unreasonable, not unpleasant.

Mrs F and SamS thank you. Yes I'm stressed. I don't really want a night out, a lie in would be lovely but really I just want to know my husband is ok. He is, but I'm cross. Oh I give up.

OP posts:
wordfactory · 14/12/2012 14:39

See when DH is away and thinks he'll manage a sleep in he just tells me!

bigkidsdidit · 14/12/2012 14:40

I think YABU

He had a night out, texted you at dinner, slept off his hangover and rang when he woke up. That's ok isn't it? That's what DH and I both do.

EugenesAxeChoppedDownANiceTree · 14/12/2012 14:40

YANBU... bit of a dickhead. It annoys me that a lot of blokes forget what SAHMs (assuming you are one) do and that we have no assortment of fancy meals and drinks gatherings to say thanks for it!

Least he could do is to check in with his family.

OwlLady · 14/12/2012 14:40

neither me or dh have ever rang each other work, i can't think of a reason why i would Confused if he doesn't respond to texts I just cut up all his work suits and set fire to them in the garden

Original poster
UntamedShrew · 14/12/2012 14:40

I'm not sure either. I phone his uk office most lunchtimes to say hello to him and that's never been a problem.

OP posts:
PartridgeInASpicyPearTree · 14/12/2012 14:46

All this, "have a night out" stuff rather misses the point. I agree you should make some time for yourself OP, but I suspect that, and forgive me if I'm wrong, you don't much want to go to Paris and pretend to be single and childless. Even if DH said not to worry abut getting in touch until, my family would be on my mind and I would want to make time for a goodnight call/morning text and not see it as a huge burden!

BananaramaLlama · 14/12/2012 14:47

I think YANBU - not U to worry when someone goes off the radar for 12 hours, esp when they have been drinking. People do get into accidents when inebriated.

And DEF not U to be fed up not to get the lie in or the night out. 3.5 year old twins + a 1 year old = hard bloody work. Both parents have responsibility for the kids all the time, and unless the switching off of phones has been agreed in advance, then I don't think it's ok in a situation where the person is usually contactable (different if no signal, but clearly there was signal when he texted to say too busy too chat).

Original poster
UntamedShrew · 14/12/2012 14:50

That's it exactly Partridge. You DO know me then!

OP posts:
PartridgeInASpicyPearTree · 14/12/2012 14:51

Cross posts OP. I didn't think you wanted a night out!

Have a Brew and stay away from the thread. You are not alone. They always turn out this way. I usually don't post on them but am making it my New Year's resolution to wade in and support the OPs!

abitcoldupnorth · 14/12/2012 14:52

I think you were a bit unreasonable, but under stress.

Also, imagining that he might have died is an overreaction. You would surely have been the first person his colleagues would have contacted - after the ambulance - if something like that had happened.

You need to sit down and talk about you having regular nights/days off so that you're not feeling resentful of him.

I do sympathise, as I've just got through a long, cold, dark week in northern Scotland while DH has been galavanting with lots of old mates in LOndon Grin

JustFabulous · 14/12/2012 14:52

YANBU

I couldn't get hold of DH for a while the other day but didn't start worrying until I realised I didn't even know if he had got to work okay. He always calls as soon as he can once he has seen I have tried to contact him.

Ignore people being unkind.