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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel upset and tearful about staying with SIL

210 replies

Ghanagirl · 13/12/2012 21:04

i'll try and keep this brief, we are having our house extended it was supposed to be finished mid November, but has overran despite builders saying if we moved out it would be completed in 4 months!
We initially rented a small flat (me DH plus 2 kids) but lease ran out last week and due to tight finances we moved in with DH's sister her husband plus their two kids who are older but attend same primary school. I really didn't want to move in with them but as I'm not working and finances tight plus DH putting me under pressure felt like no other choice, (my mum made it clear her house too small)
Anyway since we've been here I've done all school runs which is quite stressful as the older two (DH's nieces) are used to getting up late and generally being late for school I pick all kids up and even drop older twonto activities, but I'm getting really stressed and tired as when SIL gets home from work she has taken to going to rest while I try and manage all kids homework dinner etc, my two are now starting to play up and I'm on the edge of tears most days. Advice please I'm dreading Christmas we are supposed to be back in our house next week but can't see it happeningSad

OP posts:
Rindercella · 13/12/2012 22:13

Chunkythighs has it Xmas Grin

Ghanagirl, you are obviously very unhappy about the situation, however reasonable - or unreasonable - others believe you to be. In this case, the best thing you can do is talk to your SIL and say that while you are more than happy to do the school run, cooking, etc., you really do not think it is a good thing to be doing the homework with her children.

Original poster
Ghanagirl · 13/12/2012 22:15

chunkythighs why did you have a child then? Plus if two extra children so easy why are you so keen to escape your one?

OP posts:
MysteriousHamster · 13/12/2012 22:16

I think you should move out if you don't like, and then you won't have to do those extra chores. Of course you will have to pay rent, but that's kind of how it works...

Rindercella · 13/12/2012 22:16

Santa, you had the apostrophe right the first time (men is already plural). Smile

forgetmenots · 13/12/2012 22:16

YABU because you are imposing on them and living rent free. You and your DH should do things for them that would ordinarily cost, just as they are doing something for you and saving you a lot of money by putting you up. Fair is fair, nothing to do with sahms and childcare, just trying like for like.

YANBU because you are very upset so you can't continue this. Where are the men in all of this? Couldn't they do homework or do a share?

honeytea · 13/12/2012 22:16

Well see looking after your sil's kids as working with kids then. Or move out, I'm sure SIL won't be blocking the door.

chunkythighs · 13/12/2012 22:17

Rindercella Why thank you!

Xmas Wink
Rindercella · 13/12/2012 22:17

Ghana, in the nicest possible way, you seem very confrontational. And not at all prepared to listen to others and take on board what they are saying. Are you like this in your SIL's house too?

DowagersHump · 13/12/2012 22:17

SAHMs generally look after children. You don't- they're at school.

What did your SIL/husband do before you moved in re cooking/cleaning/shopping? If they work full time, they must have some kind of system in place

Rindercella · 13/12/2012 22:18

Tis a pleasure Chunky! Xmas Grin

forgetmenots · 13/12/2012 22:18

mysterioushamster wish there was an applause emoticon, well said

SolomanDaisy · 13/12/2012 22:19

I am a SAHM, so no agenda here. Are you sure it's the childcare and cleaning that are making you miserable? You do get a good amount of time to yourself during the day. But you're in a tense, crowded living situation with a less than sympathetic husband. Might that be the real issue?

chunkythighs · 13/12/2012 22:19

Ghana

I had a child because someone has to clean the house! He's crap at the ironing though.....Might have another just for laundry duties of course.

maddening · 13/12/2012 22:20

I am sahm and I think yabu on basis that you're staying there for free - just before Christmas which is a big ask.

I do think you should be allowed a bit of heating in the day (even if dh has to pay towards the gas).

I think you are reacting like this as you are upset about the whole house situation - you planned a lovely Christmas back in your own home and now you are crammed into their house. But it's shit for them too - no privacy (you're there judging them for their parenting and choices) house stuffed with other people's stuff and a Christmas they didn't plan for either.

So the only thing you can focus yourself on is this childcare unfairness - but it's not fair on anyone and they really are doing you a big favour which is even more generous given the busy time of year.

AutumnGlory · 13/12/2012 22:22

You don't need to work and how will have your own house to go back to soon..count your blessings and be grateful. Even your own mother didn't want you there, and if you really considered this option maybe the size of her house isn't an issue

Kiwiinkits · 13/12/2012 22:22

Sorry Ghana, YABU. Pull your finger out and stop whining. It will be over soon.

helenthemadex · 13/12/2012 22:23

YABVVU

For a start it is very hard to have people to stay, even family who you are very close to them. I frequently have family and friends to stay, I love them dearly, they help loads and are great company unlike you from the sound of it but it is still hard to share my private family space

if you were in your own house would you not be doing everything you are complaining about? or do you have a cook, cleaner and nanny? if not get on with it and appreciate the fact that your SIL has put you and your family up and stop being so rude to the people on here who have taken the time to reply, just because you dont like the answers you are getting

wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 13/12/2012 22:23

Do you know what's. There are some bloody fantastic people on mums net and they can't believe some of your entitled lazy sniping ,moronic ungrateful and quite honestly bloody stupid comments from you .

MerylStrop · 13/12/2012 22:24

Well you should all have sat down and clarified what the deal was before you moved in

It is only fair that you should help out, as much as you can
But not necessarily fair that you should do it all
Put the bloody heating on though

Are the children's fathers not involved at all: why is your ire directed only at your SIL?

Rindercella · 13/12/2012 22:24

Look on the bright side though Ghana, the schools will be breaking up soon so you will have all four children all day all to yourself. I know how much you will enjoy this as you love children don't you? Xmas Wink

rainrainandmorerain · 13/12/2012 22:24

How much money are you saving as a family by not having to pay to go into short term rental, or a cheap hotel?

My guess is a fair bit. I think I would be gritting my teeth and focusing on the money I was saving in your situation. It isn't forever and it is clearly of huge benefit to your family. And I take your point about childcare.... but unless I've misread, all 4 children are school age? So you are not being asked to work all day as an unpaid nanny.

I don't think it is good to feel so stressed and put upon. You have to contribute to this household somehow, so if you are not paying them but you are very unhappy with the way things are, why don't you and your dh (who presumably knows this is all an issue for you) work out a plan you feel is fair, and them ask your SIL if she can agree to it.

And drop the sahm/wohm thing. If you don't like your sil, I'm sure you can find a hundred and one things wrong with her, but waving that particular stick around won't help you one bit.

wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 13/12/2012 22:26

Do you know what's. There are some bloody fantastic people on mums net and they can't believe some of your entitled lazy sniping ,moronic ungrateful and quite honestly bloody stupid comments from you .

maddening · 13/12/2012 22:26

Ps their really is no need to be so arsy with working mums - really nasty digs " why are you so keen to escape your kids" - I understand you're feeling defensive but that is nasty.

stifnstav · 13/12/2012 22:29

I love to imagine the world if all women who had children did not go out to work. It would be bonkers.

We'd all be queueing up in M&S with our prams and buggies, waiting for our bra measuring appointment and some crazed male shop assistant would be raging around the shop in fear of boob-measuring and yelling "where are all the women??????"

We'd all stand in the queue and wave at him, smiling creepily.

This whole "why have children if you are going to work" thing is nuts. It would be like the 1950s, but angrier.

PrincessScrumpy · 13/12/2012 22:32

You've moved in and have no idea how long you need to stay, you take DC to school, go home and cook evening meal while they are at school, get jobs done, pick DC up, assist home work serve dinner, bed time. You put feet up. Leave washing up to Dh. I thinkyou are being ungrateful... What would you like to be doing? Not sure how you see this working... dsil come home from working all day and cooking for you all while you've had all day at home? Oh i'm a sahm with a 4yo and 15mo twins as you seem to think everyone against you is working!

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