To feel upset and tearful about staying with SIL

[Ghanagirl]

i'll try and keep this brief, we are having our house extended it was supposed to be finished mid November, but has overran despite builders saying if we moved out it would be completed in 4 months!
We initially rented a small flat (me DH plus 2 kids) but lease ran out last week and due to tight finances we moved in with DH's sister her husband plus their two kids who are older but attend same primary school. I really didn't want to move in with them but as I'm not working and finances tight plus DH putting me under pressure felt like no other choice, (my mum made it clear her house too small)
Anyway since we've been here I've done all school runs which is quite stressful as the older two (DH's nieces) are used to getting up late and generally being late for school I pick all kids up and even drop older twonto activities, but I'm getting really stressed and tired as when SIL gets home from work she has taken to going to rest while I try and manage all kids homework dinner etc, my two are now starting to play up and I'm on the edge of tears most days. Advice please I'm dreading Christmas we are supposed to be back in our house next week but can't see it happening

[MissCellania]

Why, do tell us, is my opinion Bollocks? I'm agog.

[AgentZigzag]

Do, please, read my fucking posts MissC, and apply them to your Bollocks opinion on the OPs piss poor situation.

I can break it down further if you really can't understand it.

[MissCellania]

I can understand your opinion, what I'm struggling with is a) why you think its infinitely better than mine, b) why I should care about what you think of my opinion, and c) why you are being so arsey about it?

OP has a house being renovated and extended to move back into, she has a husband in work, she has family members who will take her in, she has all of the children in school all day and nothing to do, and she is really rude and nasty about the kind people letting her live in their home.
Why exactly is make your dinner during your hours of free time, and have a nice lie down not excellent advice? Better than any you have given her anyway. Looks like some transference from you here.

[CoolaYuleA]

My situation is probably the closest:

DH made redundant in foreign country - where I also had a good job. Given three weeks notice to move back to UK with no housing provision and three month delay to redundancy package so no possibility to buy for three months and due to impending redundancy and no eligibility for HB (LL want either employed or HB) no chance for rental either.

I had to leave my job too. All belongings in storage, been living with family for three months, with possibly another three to six months to go.

DH has got a new job (fabulous man!) but due to the types of job we were doing before our income is now just over a third of what it was.

Eleven months after having our "wait until we are financially secure" much longed for DD all our security was gone.

And we have no home to go to next week.

So I know exactly what it is like to feel out of control and utterly powerless. And knowing just how that feels, because I'm living it, I still think that the OP is being unreasonable.

I am aware that not everyone copes the same way, and that I am no doubt being unreasonable myself. I certainly am not looking for, want or need any sympathy, but from my perspective, such as it is, I believe the OP is being unreasonable.

And I'll still think it when she goes home to her nice new extension next week, and we are still here with only our clothes, a few small personal items and DD's cot and toys. And I'm still smiling - see!

[DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight]

You are helping out in exchange for free lodging, not honoured guests for 24 hours! It's good you do housework and in return have free use of utilities and a warm family-oriented place to stay in return. I bet your DCs love it.

Some builders are notorious for doing as many jobs on different sites as they can. If you leave them to it, they work faster for other clients who demand more. Put a rocket under them, they'll want cash for Christmas.

Meanwhile shop and cook for 8 of you, clean up after yourselves, put the washing on for everyone, do the school run. Surely not much of term remaining? A cup of tea and "Dinner's on" for SIL. Nobody suggested giving her a foot rub or manicure!

Let another adult wash up. Supervise your own children's homework. Where is DH??

Really sensible ideas upthread: a takeaway once a week, at least 2 early evenings out with your DH and DCs. Babysit for SIL one evening a week. Harmony and respect for all.

[Morloth]

So it would appear your options are:

1. Stay there and continue with childcare/housework; or
   
2. Move out.
   
   You might feel powerless but you are not.

[ChristmasSpiritEndorphins]

I have stayed with other people and had other people staying with me. I had people sleeping on the floor in the living room for 3 months.

It would be nice if your sil showed appreciation and thanked you for being such a huge help, to make to feel less of a burden. Maybe she doesn't realize you are overwhelmed.
Of course you are stressed to the max, but just think....soon you will be in your own home again! The best thing you can do is to try and not feel resentful for helping out, and make such an effort that you know she can never say you were a burden.
Hope your house is ready for you soon.

[Ghanagirl]

Okay I've had some sleep, madness of school run commences in ten minutes. For all the posters who've said I'm rude and horrible I'm not, I thought mumsnet might provide a safe place to vent I have been lovely to SIL and haven't moaned about doing everything Her DH has commented on how happy his kids are and she has suggested we stay longer, I'm just tired and stressed as it is extra work plus I'm SAHM but already have voluntary commitments that I can't abandon, as for my DH he leaves home at 6 and returns at 8 which is why I don't work outside the home as some posters suggest I should do, then who would pick up drop and look after my kids and as I mentioned before I do help out my SIL even before we moved in. Anyway I will go and check on builders today if I can squeeze in time between hairdresser and manicure apt

[SpecialAgentKat]

Hmm Ghana I'd take BIL's comment as a compliment!

However is I was SIL I'd be at him saying that...

[rainbowinthesky]

Sounds like you believe that as you are a sahm you should continue to do the same work load as you enjoy in your own home ie no one else's work load has increased in this situation so why should yours. However, it clearly isn't possible to maintain your status as sahm when you have no home so need to adapt and adjust to suit your circumstances and contribute along side the other adults to the household you are in.

[Ghanagirl]

Okay last post rainbowinthesky so if was working outside the home I would be entitled to do no housework or look after my own kids that doesn't make sense. I've become stay at home mum because it suits my family, I wasn't making this a debate about that but somehow it's become about bashing SAHM

[MrsReiver]

somehow it's become about bashing SAHM

WHERE? There's a large number of posts from SAHM (like me) who think you're being completely unreasonable. The only person turning this into WOHM vs SAHM is you.

[SomersetONeil]

I love how when these family compromise situations come up, it's the wife making ALL the compromises and the husband making none, blithely going about his life as it always was, just at a different address. Even when they've moved into a member of his family's house...

OP, YANBU.

[diddl]

SIL has suggested you stay longer??

Longer than what??

Than you need to??

That´s not compulsary!!

[OverWintered]

ghanagirl YANBU it sounds like a stressful situation for all of you. Your SIL sounds stressed too and is probably hiding in her room to get some "space". Hang on in there. hopefully you can all get thru what is hopefully the tail end of this without causing a family rift. When you finally get back into your own place, the two famillies will prob need a good long break from each other!

[Cabrinha]

Drip feed drip feed... SIL works - then it's part time. OP a SAHM then throws in voluntary commitments when challenged that she has a lot of time.
Every sympathy for the difficulty of being at close quarters with husband's family, would drive me crackers.
Not really much sympathy for having to take an extra two on school run you're doing anyway.
You know if it's too much, you could stop?
Like supervising homework - just leave them to it.
What cleaning do you do? You MUST clear up after your family, but are you cleaning their kids rooms, for example? Then stop.

[1charlie1]

Agree with SomersetONeil. YANBU.
I would feel exactly the same as the OP. BIL and SIL are taking the piss. (They know they're onto a good wicket, as evidenced by them asking OP and family to stay for longer!) OP's DH is leading his same old life. OP on the other hand has just seen her workload doubled. And I think the fact that it is her DH's family is also relevant.
CoolaYuleA, I appreciate the difficulties of your situation. It does sound like your world's turned upside down! But I wonder how much more powerless you would feel if you were doing all that you now do in the house of your MIL, rather than your DM? I think the fact that the OP is doing this in the house of her ILs is relevant to her feelings of being exploited as well.
Maybe I'm just not very nice, but I would resent being in the OP's situation much more if I was living with my ILs than with a member of my own family!

[cory]

OP, I think you could help yourself by taking a deep breath and reflect on the fact that:

Your SIL didn't have to take you in.

You didn't have to go.

The alternatives might have been very very inconvenient, but most people wouldn't have relatives with large houses, so they would have to make their own arrangements.

You seem to think someone owes it to you to come up with a solution to your housing problems that means you don't have to change your lifestyle at all.

The fact is, noone owes you anything: adults are generally expected to solve their own problems.

Your SIL is offering you a deal, and it seems a better deal than any others on offer. If you don't think so, then don't take it, but sort out something better.

[FergusSingsTheBlues]

Go and get a job then move put if its that awful. Lets be honest here, being a sahm does afford you a certain amount of freedom because you can spend that eight hours a day planning and preparing the evening bottle neck.

And why should her husband be pitching in? He's also at work all day!

[LtXmasEve]

We live a good distance from both my parents and PILs. Whenever we go to visit I take over all the cooking and cleaning, and DH takes over all the 'broken and needing fixing' stuff. We also pay for all the food.

Last Xmas we stayed at MILs for 10 days - every night I was cooking for 6 (rather than 3) and on a few occasions for 8. On Xmas Day we cooked for 16 and Boxing Day did a buffet for about 30! Our last day with them was spent with me batch cooking and putting food in the freezer for them for when we had gone.

We do it because they are family, we miss them. They put us up, make us comfortable and don't complain about the extra 3 people (and dogs) in their home.

Their bills would go up simply because we are there, we pay back in the best way we can rather than cold hard cash.

OP I really think you need to take another look at this. Your ILs are doing you a favour and surely saving you money? Is that not worth sucking up a bit of stress? This time next week you'll probably be back in your own home - asking for help in the home you are staying in rent free in the meantime isn't a lot after all.

[SpecialAgentKat]

Why should she be helping her BIL's children do their homework whil BIL and SIL rest their feet up?

That isn't her place and it's not a SAHP thing.

[diddl]

"And why should her husband be pitching in? He's also at work all day!"

Because he pitches in at home??

[cory]

1charlie, I too can understand that the OPs situation is stressful.

But as for resenting having been put in this situation- the SIL and BIL didn't actually kidnap her and force her to stay in their house, did they? If she is in a situation where there seemed no other alternative, that isn't actually her ILs fault. She is no worse off than if they had said "no, we're afraid this is not convenient, you will have to sort out other accommodation".

[GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr]

You are possibly the most unreasonable poster I have ever seen!

You expect her to get up in the morning and take ALL children to school while you stay home on your bum?

Then you expect her to pick all children up from school to come home and cook after work?

While you have had a whole day doing nothing in her house? Where you live for FREE?

You sound entitled, lazy and spoilt.

Holy cow, I am glad you are not my sister in law.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

Quint there is no suggestion that the OP is expecting her SIL to do the school run.

OP - YANBU.

I don't think you should be expected to supervise homework of other children, and I think it is harsh that there is no heating on for you during the day when you are paying for all the food shopping.

Yes of course you should be helping out, and it doesn't sound unreasonable that you should be cooking the dinner seeing as you are the one at home.

The fact that they want you to stay for longer makes me think that they are getting a good deal out of you though. If you really were an imposition they would be desperate to get rid of you.