To feel upset and tearful about staying with SIL

[Ghanagirl]

i'll try and keep this brief, we are having our house extended it was supposed to be finished mid November, but has overran despite builders saying if we moved out it would be completed in 4 months!
We initially rented a small flat (me DH plus 2 kids) but lease ran out last week and due to tight finances we moved in with DH's sister her husband plus their two kids who are older but attend same primary school. I really didn't want to move in with them but as I'm not working and finances tight plus DH putting me under pressure felt like no other choice, (my mum made it clear her house too small)
Anyway since we've been here I've done all school runs which is quite stressful as the older two (DH's nieces) are used to getting up late and generally being late for school I pick all kids up and even drop older twonto activities, but I'm getting really stressed and tired as when SIL gets home from work she has taken to going to rest while I try and manage all kids homework dinner etc, my two are now starting to play up and I'm on the edge of tears most days. Advice please I'm dreading Christmas we are supposed to be back in our house next week but can't see it happening

Okay, sorry if I offended anyone I wrote post in bed after having my normally quite reasonable 5 year old twins screaming hysterically because they couldn't stay up and watch tv with cousins, I don't resent doing the school run ibalways do it but I find it difficult trying to get them all ready in morning as older two stay up late and then can't wake up, they are always late for school and maybe I'm being uptight but hate being late, my sister in law has said I'm making her life easier because she doesn't have to rush home, but I find it difficult to supervise 4 lots of reading and homework, tried getting oldest niece to help little ones but she won't, I have accommodated her family in the past as I said and at that time we had no kids I was working full-time and I still helped her with her two and we shared cooking, I'm not being a bitch I was just shattered yesterday with various commitments plus school run and after school activities, I know she is tired and stressed too so I haven't complained to her just vented on mumsnet

Hope things sort themselves out soon so you can get back into your own house, OP.

OP obviously has issued with her SIL. I'm sure everything on both sides is slightly exaggerated here. Be thankful, OP, that you'll be off back to your own home soon. As hard as it is living with someone else, it's difficult having extra bodies in the house.

Could you take your 2 to school then go back for late pair. They might be later then but are late anyway.

And ignore DNs homework. The few weeks you spend with them won't transform their normal sloppily supervised homework so not worth you getting stressed over.

And get takeaways a couple of times a week. And get DH home earlier whilst you live there - where is he whilst tantrums are going on?

Coming back to this thread - unless I've skip read, then there's something huge missing here.

THE MEN IN THE HOUSE.

What is SIL's partner doing? And OP, I know you have described your husband' long working hours - but is he around at the weekend? And is he aware of how you feel about your situation?

You really should talk to your SIL about the kids getting ready in the morning. I'd ask her to get her own kids ready to go on time as you need to leave and get to school on time.

Try not hassleing late nieces and just go without them if they aren't ready on time - works with constantly stick-in-the-mud nephew ( he likes all the drama and attention of being chivvied! )

5 more days

I'm with Fecklessdizzy, let them know what time you are leaving in the morning, wake them once and remind them, then if they are not ready just go. Also I would sit down with mine to do their homework and inform the others that you are now available if they need help and how long you will be available for, but I woudn't be over supervising them, they are not your responsibility.

Just cook something simple in the day while everyone is out.

op, I am a stay at home Mum, and I think school runs, paying for food for the whole household and cooking and evening cleaning are a fairly equivalent and fair swap for free accommodation/bills and the gross inconvenience of loss of privacy and having four extra people living in you house.

It might have worked better if your husband and his wife/brother (whichever it is) had a chat about roles and responsibilities before you moved in (maybe he did but just hasnt told you??).

You just have to suck it up and I think it would be really really ungracious of you to show any sign of being fed up, or feeling taken advantage of

ghanagirl I think you've had a hard time on here.
Come on, people, it's the run-up to Christmas. Most of us are stressed up to the eyeballs without factoring in builders, an uninhabitable house, staying with ILs, double the workload of kids/cooking/cleaning etc...
As ghana said, she came on here to vent. I'm sure she's being gracious to her SIL's face.

And as you said, 5 more days builders' speak for 2 months

Can you not move back into the house while the builders work round you? How bad is it at home?

Is this a joke?? I think u need to be grateful that they're letting u all stay there! I'm sure it's really cramped, why should your sil time home from work and do all the hard work whilst you've been sat on your arse all day? Get a grip!

SIL, BIL and your DH are all taking the piss.

If my brother and family had to come and stay beyond a couple of days, I would not expect my SIL to get my kids ready, do homework with them and do all housework, shopping and cooking.

Those of you giving the OP a hard time, would you totally abdicate responsibility for your children and expect your sahm SIL to do everything just because you're helping them out?

Thought not. Even if you're doing a favour, it would be pretty crass to expect all that and I think most people here are a little more reasonable than that. I work flexible hours so if I don't have someone doing that for me, I do it myself normally. And whilst it would be great to have someone do the school runs, the rest I'd definitely be doing my bit and not expect my guests to feel obligated to provide nanny and maid services just because we're putting them up for a few nights.

And for those saying just double the recipe. Really? That simple? Imagine having a family of 4 over for dinner or lunch. Imagine the prepping and planning to have something that 8 of you can eat at the same time, something that young kids and grown ups all want to eat. Now imagine doing that for a few nights.

I'd find it a hassle if I wasn't getting any help from any of the grown ups and I'm pretty adept at having guests for long periods -being expats, people come and stay for quite long periods.

But, OP, this is as much about your DH chipping in as your SIL.

As for the heating, stick it on. I was in the UK this week and it was fucking freezing even with the heating on and made me feel like staying in bed all day!

yanbu to be stressed to hell about living with the inlaws. Fortunately I live too far away from mine to make this viable during a normal working/school week.
However yabu to expect not to have to help out your in laws in return for free rent.
Sounds like you are trying too hard to get your DNs to behave about getting to school on time and doing homework. Tell your SIL that if they're not ready by 8.30 (or whatever time you need to leave) that you're going without them. They are her children and her problem.
I hope you manage to get back home before Xmas, try to keep the thought if your lovely updated house in mind so you don't gey too down.
I've been flamed on AIBU before (and have namechanged since) about something I still find revolting, but everyone has different opinions

nurseneedshelp as I explained I'm not "sitting on my arse" I'm doing all cooking cleaning school run paying for food, helping with homework and droping to activities! As a mum do you think it's reasonable to abdicate all responsibilities to someone else? Even if you have a live in nanny surely you take over when you get home, luckily house not cramped as she has large apartment in loft, I really don't mind school run cooking but find it hard to get her two ready on time as they go to bed late plus lot of moaning about food they have packed lunch as they don't like (healthy international cuisine) whereas my two have school meals it's just confusing and draining but I haven't complained to SIL and have just made them dinner although oldest daughter just complained they are " not really curry people"!

You pay your money (or not in this case) and take your choice...

I think it's a fair split tbh you are 4 people living in her house you are contributing to the morgage so cooking, cleaning etc is the least you can do.

I think you are in a very hard situation OP. Your SIL is taking the piss, if my ILs were staying with me I would not expect them to take over and do everything in return for us letting them stay. If they paid for half the food I would be grateful, certainly won't expect them to pay for it all and do all the household tasks. YANBU. I feel sorry for you, you have been given a really hard time on here. Good luck.

It should be slightly easier for sil though -it is pay off for letting you stay over Christmas and the run up to it - which is hectic at the best if times.

The phrase grin and bear it springs to mind. You only moved in last week, you're moving out next week. You may or may not be doing more than your share, I don't think your are, but its really not for long. Just bear with it.

Ghanagirl, I just wanted to give you a big hug. I think your family is massively taking the piss and you're getting a hard time on here.

On the home stretch now but! Then you can collapse and DH can do his bloody share in your new home!

Thanks SpecialAgentKat, the only thing I can say in DH is defence is that he has been going straight to our house to try and chivvy along builders placate our next door neighbours and he is currently doing homework with twins! And as for everyone who thinks I'm being lazy I'm not I'm stick thin not from dieting but because I'm always on the go I've made breakfast for all kids plus me and DH so SIL and BIL are having a lie in

Thanks cheeseandpineapple

No one would put up with their DH coming home from work and then doing pot all around the house, or at least not without feeling resentful. They are not staying there rent free, they are contributing, if they are paying for all food, which for 4 adults and 4 children wont be a small amount tbh!

There are 3 adults taking the piss here, and the SIL works part time, so what is she doing on her days off?

Sil and BIL may be doing a favour, but does not mean OP is to feel so grateful they can walk all over her.

She should not be having to deal with getting all the children to do homework, that is their parents job.

Just because you have family to stay does not mean you get to stop all parenting and household jobs and responsibilities yourself, which is what seems to have happened.

The SIL get home from work, and pops off to have a rest, leaving OP to deal with 4 kids having to do homework, and if she is doing all the cooking, presumably starting dinner for everyone. How anyone can be accusing the OP of wanting to be lazy here is beyond me.