To feel upset and tearful about staying with SIL

[Ghanagirl]

i'll try and keep this brief, we are having our house extended it was supposed to be finished mid November, but has overran despite builders saying if we moved out it would be completed in 4 months!
We initially rented a small flat (me DH plus 2 kids) but lease ran out last week and due to tight finances we moved in with DH's sister her husband plus their two kids who are older but attend same primary school. I really didn't want to move in with them but as I'm not working and finances tight plus DH putting me under pressure felt like no other choice, (my mum made it clear her house too small)
Anyway since we've been here I've done all school runs which is quite stressful as the older two (DH's nieces) are used to getting up late and generally being late for school I pick all kids up and even drop older twonto activities, but I'm getting really stressed and tired as when SIL gets home from work she has taken to going to rest while I try and manage all kids homework dinner etc, my two are now starting to play up and I'm on the edge of tears most days. Advice please I'm dreading Christmas we are supposed to be back in our house next week but can't see it happening

[GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr]

So, the OP is then expecting that she and the SIL go together?

[FergusSingsTheBlues]

When i was sahm, i certainly didnt expect my husband to do "extra" if we had guests. Jesus, 8 hours a day? You could spend at least half the day on your ass and still have time to get it all done.

But i imagine id be working if I had that much free time.

[SantasComingEarlyHisSackIsFull]

She doesn't expect anyone to do it, OP is expected to do it. I call myself a SAHM, but work 15 hours a week. Housework is a drag. To this end, I hope to be going back to uni next year with a view to getting a proper job, so I am not making everyone sandwiches, tidying clothes away, wiping arses etc when they are teenagers. I love the kids, but I hate doing the homework with them. DH (more than full time worker)mainly does it with them. I do other stuff. If housework is not your thing, and it suddenly increases, under pressure, in someone else's home, that is going to be difficult. OP has stated that she has done it all, uncomplainingly in RL. She is just venting on here. That is one pressurised environment OP. I do hope you are only cooking one evening meal and not catering to individual tastes.

Go and put a gun up the builder's arse today. You need out. You need space.

[1charlie1]

cory, you are quite right. It would have been much better to sort out expectations and responsibilities before moving in. And I think it IS reasonable to take the kids to school and cooks an evening meal. But even if this is the best deal going (which it clearly is, unless OP can afford a long stay in a B&B) I guess it feels to the OP that she is the one making the entire labour contribution on behalf of her family. Hence her frustration. Her DH would be at work anyway, regardless of where he lays his head at night! His domestic life hasn't been inconvienced at all.
OP just sounds a bit exhausted with it all. But needs must, for a roof over one's head.

[LtXmasEve]

I've just realised something - the kids are PRIMARY school age. How hard is their homework likely to be? How hard is it to supervise? DD gets a fair whack of homework, but it's no more than an hour (and thats with faffing about time included)

As for the heating - If you are busy in the home during the day, and not just sitting on the sofa why do you need the heating on?

If you are not busy in the home during the day, then why are you complaining about the evening rush?

[SantasComingEarlyHisSackIsFull]

It is winter. She is cold. She needs the heating on. I do, jumper or not. It is miserable being in a cold house.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

No I don't read that in her post. But it is the SILs responsibility as their parent to make sure that the nieces are ready to leave on time - and not make the OP late to drop off her own children.

Quint I'm surprised at you. For someone who seems to be regularly put upon by her family to be so unsupportive of a poster who feels in the same position...

[QuietNinjaChristmasSpecial]

I feel a bit sorry for op. yes it's fair to help out while they stay there but all the housework for 4 adults and however many dc? While her sil sits on her bum. She's helping her sil kids with homework? Since when was that part of the deal when she became a sahm? She's just said she has voluntary commitments too so she has to fit everything in wit that included.
Op put the heating on, it's freezing you shouldn't be cold. Do the minimum housework each day, bit of tidying, washing up and then everyone can pitch in o the weekend. 4 adults can clean a house in no time. Cooking is fair enough if you're the Only one home but when the kids are home tell sil kids to go to her for homework help as you are help g your own kids.

[QuietNinjaChristmasSpecial]

Why do people think she's doing nothing? She's said she's doing all the cooking, cleaning and school runs, helping all the kids (why the fuck her sil isn't doing it) with homework and voluntary work. And half of you are saying she should be cold while she does it? What a lovely bunch you are!

[HeathRobinson]

I feel for you, op. You sound really unhappy.

In your situation I would be moving home, building work finished or not.

[LtXmasEve]

If OP is doing "all the cooking, cleaning and school runs" why is she feeling so cold? Hoovering, cleaning bathrooms, dusting etc all get the blood pumping.

Doesn't the voluntary work take place outside the home? So she should be warmer there.

Why is the cooking being left until the evening, when it could be made during the day? Getting the oven on warms up the home in no time.

Why is Primary School homework so hard to supervise? It's aimed at under 11s

I'm afraid I think the OP is being a bit drama-queenish about this, and the sooner she moves into a hotel or back into her own house the better for all concerned. It would be a great shame to fall out with family over something this small.

[FrequentFlyerRandomDent]

If OP is at the brink of tears, she must speak ASAP to SIL and DH, and I would add her GP.

It is not about rational arguments here.

Depression makes normal daily chores unbearable and seemingly impossible.

OP - get talking to someone in RL. What you describe ticks a few depression boxes. It can be overcome if addressed.

[GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr]

You are right alibaba.

But I get the feeling from the OP that she is resentful that she has to do anything at all out of the ordinary. She is quite happy to take her own children to and from school, and happy to cook for 4 not 8. I dont quite see the problem
When I go to my dad, and we all meet for Christmas, I cook for 8, it is a given.

The only thing which is unreasonable is helping the sils children with their homework. Does she really have to? At certain ages they should be let to get on with it on their own.

[Moominsarescary]

I wouldn't have a problem taking/picking up from school or doing house work but why is the sil going for a rest when she gets in from work? Surly that's just taking the piss

[LtXmasEve]

If OP is at the brink of tears, she must speak ASAP to SIL and DH, and I would add her GP

It is not about rational arguments here. Depression makes normal daily chores unbearable and seemingly impossible

No, you are quite right FrequentFlyer, and if that is the case OP, then I apologise.

I think I read too much into the sneery tone of the OP - and felt it was more about her not liking her SIL than anything else.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

I read it that it is the other children that the OP is struggling with rather than the household tasks.

All you who say that the OP is BU, would you behave like the SIL? Expect your SIL to pay for food shopping, take your kids to after school activities, do all the cooking and housework, supervise homework, deal with morning school run chaos while you worked part-time and then came home to rest upstairs and ignore you own children?

The OP hasn't been massively diplomatic on this thread, but she seems at the end of her tether. And far better to rant here than in RL.

honeytea - working with children and having your own is worlds apart. With parenting it is the relentlessness of it that drives you to the brink on occasion, because you can never walk away. I really wouldn't judge the OP until you have walked in her shoes.

[HeathRobinson]

I bet sil will miss having her 'wife' when the op returns home.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

heath - quite.

[dinkystinky]

OP - go see your builders. Tell then you expect heat and electricity, house sealed against cold and able for you, DH and two children to move back in by the end of next week. If not, then start imposing penalties.

I get you are in a difficult position which is not of your making (as its entirely down to the builders cock up), but make the most of it if you can. Doing the school run, shopping, cleaning and cooking (all of which you'd be doing anyway) isnt a big thing - doing their kids homework with them is something you wouldnt do ordinarily so I'd raise it with SIL/BIL if you're unhappy doing it.

[diddl]

"I bet sil will miss having her 'wife' when the op returns home."

Perhaps SIL is secretely sabotaging the work.

[CaptainVonTrapp]

I bet your SIL has suggested you stay longer!!! I'd love to have a 'wife' while I put my feet up with the newspaper and a glass of wine...

[honeytea]

honeytea - working with children and having your own is worlds apart. With parenting it is the relentlessness of it that drives you to the brink on occasion, because you can never walk away. I really wouldn't judge the OP until you have walked in her shoes. She hasn't got a problem with her own kids she has a problem with her DN's. I wouldn't say oh get over yourself it is easy being a parent because I have not been a parent but I have looked after other people's kids which is what OP is moaning about.

[JingleBellsRawSharkSmells]

What you have failed to mention and is vitally important to how welcome you feel in her house is really whether SIL makes you take your shoes off.

It sounds like you are doing everything OP - from getting her kids ready to bedtime. Even if you get time to yourself during the day after doing cleaning and studying and prepping cooking for 8 I can see you would feel put upon. BUt there has been much comment on that already - hope you get back to normal soon

[FestiveOrganisoid]

Having lived with family (my own and xh's) I read the op with sympathy for her.

I lost sympathy a bit when she started being snippy with other posters and going on about working mothers but I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume this is a symptom of how stressed she is feeling.

Living in someone else's home is hard. Its stressful. I know I massively lost perspective of what was reasonable and not when I did it.

It is also stressful having others live in your home. Not having any privacy. Not being able to shut the door on the rest of the world and just be your own little unit. I suspect this is why sil is going for a rest - just to recharge and unwind after work in a bit of solitude.

I think it is fair that the op is doing the school run, shopping, cooking etc. However bil/sil should be getting their own children up and ready for school and ensuring they do not make op and her children late. They should also be responsible for supervising their own children's homework. Op should be allowed time to focus on her own children without always having two extras.

All other adults should pitch in when at home. If one is cooking another can supervise homework at the same time. One can wash up while another gets children ready for bed. This way nobody feels resentful for having to do everything or for still having 5 or 6 things ahead of them to do while someone else is sat down watching telly.

I can't imagine anyone actually wanting others in their home for an extended amount of time, are you sure sil wasn't just being polite and making sure you knew you were welcome?

Just remind yourself it isn't forever op.

[CoolaYuleA]

1charlie1 - you'd rather live with your DM for anything between 3-9 months whilst you find somewhere to live than stay with your ILs for 2 weeks and then go back to your own home?

Erm ok.

I love my Mum to bits, but living with anyone when you are used to having your own space is complicated and as much as I love my Mum, if it came down to 3-9 months here with her, or 2 weeks with my ILs, then I'd choose 2 weeks of ILs over 12 -36 weeks with a member of my own family. No matter how much I love them. And I wouldn't feel more or less powerless doing these things there, because IMO when someone takes you in then you do anything you can to help them out. Particularly for a whole two weeks.

I see the point you are trying to make - but my DH is here with us, so he is living with his MIL for up to 9 months.... and he is undertaking all manner of DIY jobs that my Mum is physically unable to do, after working all day and doesn't feel even slightly "exploited" (seriously?!). He actually appreciates what my Mum has done for us and loves her, he not only volunteers to do the things that obviously need doing, but is also doing preventative jobs to make my DM's life easier.

So whilst I see your point, IME, and in DH's - I have to disagree.