To feel upset and tearful about staying with SIL

[Ghanagirl]

i'll try and keep this brief, we are having our house extended it was supposed to be finished mid November, but has overran despite builders saying if we moved out it would be completed in 4 months!
We initially rented a small flat (me DH plus 2 kids) but lease ran out last week and due to tight finances we moved in with DH's sister her husband plus their two kids who are older but attend same primary school. I really didn't want to move in with them but as I'm not working and finances tight plus DH putting me under pressure felt like no other choice, (my mum made it clear her house too small)
Anyway since we've been here I've done all school runs which is quite stressful as the older two (DH's nieces) are used to getting up late and generally being late for school I pick all kids up and even drop older twonto activities, but I'm getting really stressed and tired as when SIL gets home from work she has taken to going to rest while I try and manage all kids homework dinner etc, my two are now starting to play up and I'm on the edge of tears most days. Advice please I'm dreading Christmas we are supposed to be back in our house next week but can't see it happening

[CoolaYuleA]

YABU..... and I'm probably closer to your current situation than anyone else here.

My DH recently took redundancy from the Army. At the time we were living in Germany and got three weeks notice to return to the UK, no housing in place. I was working too and had to give up my job so I am a SAHM.

DH, DD, me and our dog moved in with my Mum and her dog.

1. I do the housework - all of it, including the laundry.
   
   
2. I do all the childcare as DH's new job means he is out of the house before DD wakes up and is usually in bed before he gets home. DD is 15 months old, so doesn't go to school.
   
   
3. I do all the cooking.
   
   
4. I do all the shopping and we pay for it.
   
   
5. I drive my Mum to medical appointments, collect prescriptions, provide care and do all the things she can't do.
   
   And do you know what - I think every single one of these is fair enough. Because:
   
   
6. My Mum has taken us in and we are creating more mess, and more laundry. Plus I'd be doing it at home anyway.
   
   
7. I'm a SAHM. DH works. That's kinda the point of being a SAHM.
   
   
8. I'd be doing it in our house anyway - so I'm cooking larger portions but it's not an "extra" task - it's a normal one in a bigger pan.
   
   
9. I do all the shopping because Mum would struggle, and we pay for it because just having us in her house has doubled her gas and electric, and tripled her water bill. You are complaining about paying for the shopping - but you are increasing their bills by at least 50% just by living there. You aren't paying rent you should be paying for the shopping. To complain about that is just "grabby".
   
   
10. She is my Mum - nuff said really! I was addressing her Christmas cards tonight until 10pm.... She's out at a restaurant. I'm sure you'd complain about that, me, I'm glad she's having a nice time.
    
    If you don't like it - move out. You are not being asked to do anything that isn't fair.
    
    You imply that your SIL wanted you to move in to get you to do all these things. Yet you completely ignore that you will have increased all their household bills, taken up space, made mess and you are home all day. You are already at the school so no extra work there.
    
    Essentially you have all day to yourself (must be nice!), you collect two extra kids from somewhere you are already going, cook double of a meal you'd be cooking in your own home, supervise two more kids homework (but you worked with kids so that shouldn't be difficult) and you pay for shopping. None of this is unreasonable - you are.
    
    As someone in a similar position I think you are ungrateful. Go pay for a hotel - it'll cost you a damn sight more than some shopping, parttime childcare and cooking.

[suburbophobe]

my SIL hates spending time with her kids she told me herself I guess your also like that

Now you are getting personal...

Be thankful you and your family have a roof over your head.

I couldn't stand another family (DS and hers) coming over for more than a w/e at the most.

Of course they are welcome for longer - while their house is under construction - but they would need to pull their weight, all of them.

Either shut up or put up. And do go and check why your own house isn't ready to move back into....

[DreamingOfTheMaldives]

OP, do you usually do all cooking and cleaning at your house? If your husband usually does some cooking and cleaning as well then give him a kick up the backside and tell him to do some at his sister's house too.

I can imagine that cleaning a house which has twice as many people livig is harder work because more people equals more mess. Similarly cooking for 8 is harder than 4 - there's at least twice as much prep involved (peeling and chopping) as there's twice as much food. I do think that as you are living there for free, you should work harder than you should do these things for her and her family to pay her back for the big favour she is doing you and the money she's saving you. Why don't you suggest all having a takeaway one night to save you having to cook. Or you, your DH and your children go out for tea at the weekend. Will give you a break and would give each family some time to themselves.

The school run isn't really any harder for you but she (or whoever usually does) should be getting her own kids ready for school. You should definitely not have to help her children with homework though.

As for the heating - turn it on! I work from home and after a couple of hours of the heating being off, it's freezing and needs to go back on. And my house isn't old or drafty and I do wear a jumper! I can't imagine they expect you to be cold during the day, they've probably just assumed that you put it on.

Chin up and just try to think that you will be in your lovely home soon.

[Rindercella]

Coola, can I adopt you as my sister please? You sound bloody lovely!

[whois]

They are doing you a favour by letting you stay there so I think it's fair you cook and do some (all!) of thr child care.

Start by turning the heating on during the day!
Change what you cook to simple one-pot or slow cooker receptors (can get slow cooker for like, £20).
Bulk out with lentils and veg rather than meat if you're finding it expensive buying food or so many.

I really don't think you ahold be so stressed when all the kids are at primary school! You have several hours during the day to yourself when you could easily shop, chop some food and prepare tea and have a bit of a tidy-up.

You probably need some space from each other as well, not easy living all together. Probably why SIL is going for a 'rest' all the time.

Is there any where you can go with just your kids for a bit in the evenings (your mum, soft play, cinema, McDonald's, nice restaurant, whatever)?

[CoolaYuleA]

Rindercella - oh I'm not, I'm at least 50% bitch, but I'm a fair one! . And I love and appreciate my Mum and anyone else who puts themselves out for my family because they don't have to, noone does.

Which is something I think the OP has forgotten.

[whois]

And I second the suggestion for leaving the washing up to DH!

[CaliforniaSucksSnowballs]

Turn on the heat and do all the food prep for dinner before school gets off for the day, it'll make things easier.
If you can't do the homework with the extra kids, send them to the Dads to get some help when they get in. My 7 year old does most of her homework alone and needs little help, she can ask me or her Dad to explain or read occasional words as she does it.
They are putting up all 4 of you for free, and the water, electric and gas will go up accordingly. So in return you do drop off pick ups and make dinner. Seems simple enough.

[MrsTerrysChocolateOrange]

I have a feeling that the men are either absent or do nothing in this scenario. The OP has been very coy about them.

[YesIamYourSisterInLaw]

Some really bitter nasty people on mumsnet, can't believe some of the comments
Weeps at the irony

[Nellycats]

Ghanagirl, have you ever thought of going out and getting a job? Unless you're telepathically taking care if the children while they're at school, you don't really need to be at home then do you?

[Nellycats]

Of the children, apologies

[MummytoMog]

Oh my gawd OP, move out! Your poor SiL has suffered enough. Have a nap during the day if you're tired, lord knows I used to when I was on mat leave [oh noes, did I out myself as an evil working mother? Cr@p]. YAB SO U.

[AgnesBligg]

Op, ignore all these nasty cows on here . Your situation would seriously do my head in, cleaning up all day in a cold house dreading the bastards to come back expecting dinner/ homework supervision from me .

I would quite likely freak completely.

I would have to harass the builders. Are they taking the piss do you think? How bad would it be to just move back in in it's current condition? I would be requesting the main part of the house to be secured by end of next week, and get back in. Seriously. Good luck.

[CoolaYuleA]

"dreading the bastards to come back" to their OWN house!

That's the point Agnes - it's their house, the SIL didn't have to ask them to stay, the OP's own mother refused to have them - she could go to a hotel, but they CHOSE to go there, and less than a week after moving in apparently she is doing too much.

It's been LESS THAN A WEEK. A couple of days of doing some extra child care, extra cooking and homework supervision in exchange for a free roof over their heads, free electricity, free water, free gas - and you think they are being "bastards"? It's a COUPLE OF DAYS with the possibility of being home next week - it's hardly the fucking saltmines is it.

OP sounds unbelievably entitled and selfish - and so do you if you think that doing a few hours worth of jobs a day for a COUPLE OF DAYS is too much in exchange for getting to sit on your arse on someone elses sofa 9-3 every day whilst everyone else is out working and the kids are at school because you and your DH CHOSE not to pay for a hotel.

[AgentZigzag]

Aside from the details (which are hard to side step, but not impossible) the OP sounded on the brink, and I agree with Narked further up the thread, this isn't OK.

Being on the edge of tears most days is really bad.

When you're on the edge you can be unreasonable and defensive (I am at the min in RL, but I've put it on hold to post ) and people telling you the restricted situation with no options you're in is minor and you should get over yourself, isn't going to bring out the best in the OP.

I know, I know, then she shouldn't have posted in AIBU if she didn't want to hear how other people view the situation.

But she did.

Please don't let this thread make you think it's all bollocks and life's shit OP, this is only one phase in a very long time, it won't be long before you've moved on to the next better bit. It doesn't help hugely knowing that when you're stuck in the shit, but just keep trudging on trying to distance yourself mentally from the situation a bit until more options become available (and like other posters have said, make sure your DH and the builders to pull their weight - if you have enough strength left).

[AgentZigzag]

Maybe it's the situation, rather than the work she has to do, that's driven her to the edge of reason coola?

Not having a home to go to, having to move out of the rented accom, having to throw yourself on the charity of family members you don't much care for would be the fucking end of me!

[Rudolphstolemycarrots]

It seems to me your DH is contributing financially and that SIL only works part time. I'm taking it both the blokes work full time? SIL should be doing something at least - reading her children a story or giving her kids a bath at bedtime or loading the dish washer? The men should also have small jobs - putting the bins out or playing/reading with the kids etc.

You must feel like a slave at the moment. Yes you can cook/clean/food shop during the day and collect all the kids from school but really the BIL and SIL should be spending some quality time with their own kids during the evenings. Why have children if they are not going to spend any time with them?

Can you fake a headache one evening or take to your bed feeling dizzy? Maybe you need to do that occasionally if you are feeling teary and worn out and ending up doing everything yourself?

ps - I do think it counts that you helped your SIL out 6 years ago.

[Rudolphstolemycarrots]

Also, put the heating on during the day. Just do it and give them a bit of extra money.

[CoolaYuleA]

Agent - I get that the situation isn't ideal, but to react this way after a couple of days (their lease only ran out last week) when you know that the builders have said you will be home next week, seems to be an extreme reaction to any short term situation. Particularly one which has been engineered to help you?

The OP refers to "most days" - but there haven't been many days at all, and although she has said that she feels she won't be home next week the builders are still saying they will be.

No the situation isn't ideal - but from the OP it's for a week, maybe two at most - so even though it's not ideal and possibly quite difficult it is only for a short space of time.

You could argue that if things are so tight financially maybe it would have made more sense to put an end date clause in the contract with the builders stating that works had to be completed by X date and if not they paid for hotel costs, rather than risking an over run where you might have to stay with people who are doing you a favour don't like.

[MissCellania]

You've only been there a week! Man up, ffs. And what are you doing all day from 9 til 3pm? You should cook your dinner then and anything else you need to do, and have a nice lie down while you are at it.

[AgentZigzag]

Looking at more than just the time the OP's been at her SILs though coola, makes it completely plausible that there's been time for the OP to work herself up into a state about how out of control her life seems at the minute, and how powerless she feels to change it.

I'm sure from the outside there are tons of things we'd do differently so we wouldn't have been put in this situation in the first place, and lots of ways we think we'd deal with it and crack on with what's got to be done, but that's irrelevant (and we probably wouldn't anyway because of all the emotions that go round relationships which fuck with your head).

The OP is in the situation, she does feel the enormous pressure she's under, and she doesn't feel she's dealing with it very well.

It can be difficult to tell other people you're about to crack, and seeing a place she thought might give her a bit of perspective and help her feel better about it, actually dumping on her too, must cut to the bone.

She has posted in a way that doesn't come across well, but surely you can understand what's driven her to that? She's not just saying her MIL is coming for Christmas and throwing a big ol' strop, she's struggling to stay afloat.

[AgentZigzag]

Compassion personified MissC

Your opinion is Bollocks with a capital B.

[SpecialAgentKat]

I know OP has been rude, but did anyone else notice that she said SIL has asked her to stay for longer?!?

While I completely agree with the majority and have actually been in a similar situation when I was seven months along with DTS, the fact it's been suggested OP and her DH stay longer implies they are taking the piss a bit.

The things you do all sound reasonable to me except helping your neices/nephews with homework.

It's not reasonable for you to be doing absolutely everything if SIL is part time.

Not reasonable of the men do to nothing at all! But that's a different argument..

I would have a good chat with your DH, explain how miserable you are and that under no circumstances are you staying longer than necessary.

[Kytti]

YABVU - I'm a SAHM for four children and it's not like it's that bad. You'd be doing the school run anyway to the same school ffs. You're getting free lodging, of course you should pay for some of the food.

You sound horrid, glad you're not my sil. Blimey.