Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH spending our joint money on his DCs

450 replies

ilikelongnaps · 12/12/2012 15:36

I just want to post here to see if IABU before i tackle this with DH. I'm on mat leave atm receiving stat mat pay so things are tighter than usual. DH and I have a joint acc which we use for our DDs things (although if i'm buying her something not necessarily needed eg a new dress I'll use my own account. We put in an equal amount of money to the joint acc and i like to keep a buffer in there.

Xmas is coming and bearing in mind things are tight this year I've been so careful with buying for our dd. It's her first xmas and wont even notice that she has n't got stacks of gifts so i'm not bothered really but if i could i would have got her a few extra toys etc. I've bought her things with money from my own account and DH hasn't contributed to this.

Today i was checking our joint account online and its ALOT lower than I had expected. It turns out DH has been using the our joint account to buy his DDs bits and pieces eg among other things £30 spent in New Look and cash withdrawn here and there when he's been with them and almost £25 in mcds, all of which he told me about but I assumed it would be him paying out of his account, not ours. I know he's bought his DDs big xmas gifts this year that he said has left him short of money but now i'm stuck with hardly any money in the account to buy dd nappies and milk etc. and we were going to buy an xmas tree and a dd's first stocking.

It's not fair that he knows I'm not earning what I was and i'm going back to work in the new year but i was so careful and not done alot of things with dd that i would have liked to while ive been on mat leave and felt guilty about taking money from the joint account for 'fun' things and not bought any clothes for myself (I wouldn't spend £30 in New Look on myself atm as i wouldn't be able to justify it) and it just seems a bit unfair that just because he's low in his account he can just use our money to treat his dds which i would have no problem with if we could afford it but we can't.

So that was long! I guess i'm ranting and ordinarily i wouldn't mind him using our joint acc to pay for stuff for his dds as long as our dd was stocked in nappies and formula which i think are more important than a 10yo getting some leggings!

OP posts:
wewereherefirst · 14/12/2012 12:04

Outraged, why do you class a child of school age as a baby? Why can you not see that the situation isn't at great as it should be, and why does the story change.

Agreeing with NotaDisneymum here.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 14/12/2012 12:05

It amazes me that your focus is on the fact that your ex and his DP were not living together when your DC's sister was conceived, and that you consider yourself to be an equal to her in his life, as you are both mother to his DC's and they have chosen not to marry, so they have not made a commitment to each other.

I am equal to her as a parent in his life.

I said that they weren't together when they conceived because people seem to be talking as if they brought their baby into an already set up and stable relationship, which is not the case.

wewereherefirst · 14/12/2012 12:06

You're not equal. You're facilitiating an equal relationship.

wewereherefirst · 14/12/2012 12:07

An unequal relationship

Whatistodaysname · 14/12/2012 12:07

some step parents convince themselves that they are adding to the lives of their step children when they give them a half sibling, when actually, they are not

No and they will never be seen to be if that's the attitude - that is an absolutely appalling thing to say.

SpecialAgentKat · 14/12/2012 12:07

I think after five years (at least, given conception time) any kiddy arguments between step-brother and your DS would have passed... Or should be forced to pass while they live together.

Too old for granny's now IMHO. I'm surprised ex MIL doesn't tell her son to pull his finger out. Leaving his DP with a five year old and two of your ex's step sons while he pretends they don't exist at his mummy's doesn't seem... Right. At all.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 14/12/2012 12:07

They have split up and got back together in those five years.

Outraged, why do you class a child of school age as a baby? Why can you not see that the situation isn't at great as it should be, and why does the story change.

Probably because she is the baby of the family and I started out trying to be vague! But clearly, vague has gone down the toilet and I'm likely to be instantly recognisable to anyone that knows us. The story didn't change, it became clearer as I was asked more questions. I don't have anything to hide.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 14/12/2012 12:09

some step parents convince themselves that they are adding to the lives of their step children when they give them a half sibling, when actually, they are not

No and they will never be seen to be if that's the attitude - that is an absolutely appalling thing to say.

I think that sometimes, it's the truth. Sorry, but I do.

NotaDisneyMum · 14/12/2012 12:10

I can assure you, I get on fine with the GF

She is your ex's partner and your DCs step-mum. They live together. They have a child together, they have been in a relationship for at least 4 years - _why do you refuse to acknowledge the importance of her role in your ex and DC's life?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 14/12/2012 12:10

You're not equal. You're facilitiating an equal relationship.

I'm not sure what you mean.

IneedAsockamnesty · 14/12/2012 12:10

But I do agree that you are not a step parent if you are not married to the other parent.

Whilst you may be mum or dads gf bf even long term you are not step parents until as a couple you decide to marry and then be a step parent.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 14/12/2012 12:11

Does it really matter what she is called nota?

It's funny how you pick up on that and stick at it like a dog with a bone bit you have chosen not to comment on plenty of the other things I've said.

NotaDisneyMum · 14/12/2012 12:15

you are not step parents until as a couple you decide to marry and then be a step parent.

What does marriage change? Legally, absolutely nothing - in fact, after two years of living together, a resident, unmarried step-parent has more rights under family law than a married non-resident one.

NotaDisneyMum · 14/12/2012 12:18

It's funny how you pick up on that and stick at it like a dog with a bone bit you have chosen not to comment on plenty of the other things I've said.

because most of what else you have said, I don't have an opinion on - it';s up to you how you live your life (its a bit hypocritical to attack others choice and then get defensive about your own, though!)

With regard to the "label" you give your DC's step-mum, my opinion is that it matters a great deal - hence my returning to it, like a dog with a bone as you say. It is also the only thing you have not defended - if it doesn't matter what you call her - why not call her your DC's SM, and exH partner ?

IneedAsockamnesty · 14/12/2012 12:19

Not in the uk they don't unless they are named in a residency order.

A step parent who is not named on any court orders has no rights at all

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 14/12/2012 12:24

I don't feel like she is my DCs step Mum tbh. She is an adult that they are lucky to have in their lives, but she isn't a Step Mum. Not in the way my DH is a step Dad.

I think marriage makes a difference because its making an active choice to be committed to someone, rather than just plodding along with life and then finding yourself in a situation.

My ex and I weren't married, we found ourselves in a situation where we were having an unplanned baby, and for us, that made us committed to each other as co parents, but clearly not as partners, or we would still be together!

Obviously not everyone feels the same about marriage, but I feel it's important, and as I've been talking too much about my own situation, it's that that I am referring to.

SpecialAgentKat · 14/12/2012 12:25

DH's ex gave DSS to him 2 hours after he was born, said 'Kat can be a real mother to him' and disappeared. We raised him together, never hearing from her. Then she sends us a letter saying she's been doing great in rehab and how long she's been sober: She wants DSS in her life. DH went off tap. Never seen him so angry. I wasn't angry. I cried. He was MINE. What right did she have? This junkie bitch? She couldn't just swoop in and take him away! I'd kill her first!

Then I calmed down. (Admittedly, as I am not a saint it took awhile) I contacted her and we met for coffee, sans DSS. I saw the same love in her eyes for her son, I saw the determination. I knew we'd win if we went to a judge given certain scenarios. But I could tell she was really ready to be DSS's mum. Like I said... Could have gone to court.

But I love DSS too much. He deserves a relationship with his mother. He doesn't love me less, at the moment he calls both of us 'mumum' or 'mummy.'

If I loved him less, I would have encouraged DH's hurt and anger. Instead I have developed a timid friendship with ex and encouraged every progression she has made.

It's so painful but I did what was best for him. Mum and I keep in touch and our friendship has significantly strengthened, hey, even DH is getting less bitter!

I went to the park with DSS and DTS, I invited ex. She was just... So good with my kids. I knew then that I'd made the right choice.

When we get to 50/50, I know I'll need to bloody double my therapy. I honestly feel I'm slowly relinquishing 'my' son to 'the enemy..' But my head says DSS is happier than ever. He will live a life so loved by three adults.

God being a step parent is hard! Hence why I tend to lurk not post.

PoppyPrincess · 14/12/2012 12:25

If I was this woman I wouldn't like to be referred to as just his girlfriend, I wouldn't be happy about him telling his ex that our baby wasn't planned.

And my point about the fact that the baby (who is actually 5) being a human, being his child was that you talk quite disrespectfully about her by repeatedly referring to her as an unplanned pregnancy. If I was her reading what you have said about their family, relationship and their child I really wouldn't be happy

NotaDisneyMum · 14/12/2012 12:30

Not in the uk they don't unless they are named in a residency order.

A step parent who is not named on any court orders has no rights at all

Actually, that's not true. An unmarried step-parent who has lives with a DSC for over 2 years has the automatic right to apply for a contact order - a married step-parent only has that right if the child lives as a member of the family.

A married step-parent who is kept at arms length and does not engage in family life with their DSC does not have the automatic right to apply for contact, unlike an unmarried step-parent who does.

In all other cases, a step-parent or other adult has to seek permission from the court to apply for contact before they apply.

PoppyPrincess · 14/12/2012 12:30

kat you sound like an amazing step mum, DSS is so lucky to have 3 parents. That's the most important but most difficult thing about being a parent, doing what is best for the child and putting their interests first, despite how much it can hurt at times x

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 14/12/2012 12:31

I've just referred to my own child as an unplanned pregnancy, and there is no questioning my love for him!

You might not be happy in her position, and I may well not know her true feelings about the whole thing. But it is what it is, there's no point dressing it up in fluffiness just for the sake of it.

PoppyPrincess · 14/12/2012 12:31

kat sorry can I just ask one question? Did you meet DP after she'd got pregnant or was it an affair? Hope you don't mind me asking

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 14/12/2012 12:33

AgentKat

You really do sound lovely, and thank you for trying to understand my situation. It comes across that you love your step son very very much, and he is lucky to have you in his life.

NotaDisneyMum · 14/12/2012 12:33

she isn't a Step Mum. Not in the way my DH is a step Dad.

So your way is the right way and no-one elses circumstances could possible be different?
You have a pre-conceived idea of what a step-parent should be - your DH fulfils it and your DC's SM doesn't hence you refuse to acknowledged it.

Whatever happened to everyone's situation is different and you shouldn't judge other peoples circumstances?

Whatistodaysname · 14/12/2012 12:35

I am appalled that you think keeping 2 separate lives like this is acceptable for your ex - it's almost if if his partner is OW - I have no doubt she feels sidelined and possibly it is contributing to issues in their relationship.

Rarely have I read such an unjustifiable situation - what you have done outraged is encourage this situation for your DCs at the expense of the exes. Which is fine from your point of view because for you as a mother you DCs are fine - it is not acceptable behaviour from your ex - nor would you accept it in your own DH of he had children from a former relationship.

I note with interest you refer to your DCs relationships with their cousin but not their half sibling or step siblings.

You are encouraging them to dismiss their step mother and half sibling with this attitude - and marriage does not a step or any other type of parent make. Love and care makes a parent.

Swipe left for the next trending thread