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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH spending our joint money on his DCs

450 replies

ilikelongnaps · 12/12/2012 15:36

I just want to post here to see if IABU before i tackle this with DH. I'm on mat leave atm receiving stat mat pay so things are tighter than usual. DH and I have a joint acc which we use for our DDs things (although if i'm buying her something not necessarily needed eg a new dress I'll use my own account. We put in an equal amount of money to the joint acc and i like to keep a buffer in there.

Xmas is coming and bearing in mind things are tight this year I've been so careful with buying for our dd. It's her first xmas and wont even notice that she has n't got stacks of gifts so i'm not bothered really but if i could i would have got her a few extra toys etc. I've bought her things with money from my own account and DH hasn't contributed to this.

Today i was checking our joint account online and its ALOT lower than I had expected. It turns out DH has been using the our joint account to buy his DDs bits and pieces eg among other things £30 spent in New Look and cash withdrawn here and there when he's been with them and almost £25 in mcds, all of which he told me about but I assumed it would be him paying out of his account, not ours. I know he's bought his DDs big xmas gifts this year that he said has left him short of money but now i'm stuck with hardly any money in the account to buy dd nappies and milk etc. and we were going to buy an xmas tree and a dd's first stocking.

It's not fair that he knows I'm not earning what I was and i'm going back to work in the new year but i was so careful and not done alot of things with dd that i would have liked to while ive been on mat leave and felt guilty about taking money from the joint account for 'fun' things and not bought any clothes for myself (I wouldn't spend £30 in New Look on myself atm as i wouldn't be able to justify it) and it just seems a bit unfair that just because he's low in his account he can just use our money to treat his dds which i would have no problem with if we could afford it but we can't.

So that was long! I guess i'm ranting and ordinarily i wouldn't mind him using our joint acc to pay for stuff for his dds as long as our dd was stocked in nappies and formula which i think are more important than a 10yo getting some leggings!

OP posts:
NotaDisneyMum · 14/12/2012 10:57

Why would I insist on anything that my ex chooses to do with his own children during his time with them?

Let me re-phrase - will you actively encourage your DC's to live with their Dad, step-mum and step-siblings when/if their Dad remarries?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 14/12/2012 10:57

Do they live together as a family now?

Kind of, but I don't think they would if their joint child didn't exist.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 14/12/2012 11:00

I already actively encourage my children to have a good relationship with their Dad, step mum, step siblings and half sibling.

That doesn't have to only happen if they all sleep under the same roof on a regular basis.

They are already used to my ex's GF, they know her well and like her a lot. As do I. They don't get on very well with one of her older children, which is why we have found that all the relationships actually work better if the children aren't all forced into spending too much time together.

NotaDisneyMum · 14/12/2012 11:01

That doesn't mean his relationship or commitment to his previous children should change though

But every parents relationship with their child changes over time - surely?

I don't have the same relationship with my DD now she is 12 as I did when she was 8 years old - but my responsibility and commitment for her hasn't changed.
Why should your ex's relationship and practical arrangements with his DC's remain identical forever?

NotaDisneyMum · 14/12/2012 11:03

I already actively encourage my children to have a good relationship with their Dad, step mum, step siblings and half sibling

Well avoided.

So, it's OK for you to force your DC's to live your your DH as a part of your family, but not for them to be expected to live together with their Dad and his family?
How long before you think they'll notice your double standards?

NotaDisneyMum · 14/12/2012 11:04

Do they live together as a family now?

Kind of

By that you mean that your ex regularly leaves the family home to spend the night with your DC's at his Mums?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 14/12/2012 11:07

Every parents relationship with their child changes over time, yes, but that is usually a natural thing that just happens as the children grow older. No one forces it, or makes active decisions to encourage it, it just happens.

Why should my ex's relationship and practical arrangements with his children remain identical forever?

I don't suppose they will remain identical forever. I doubt they will still want to stay at their Grans house with him every other weekend when they are in their twenties. But at the moment, they are still children, and this is the way my children's Dad wants it. It's not harming anyone, we are all happy. It's not a problem. Why do you seem so determined to project a different situation on to ours and insist we are doing something wrong? We aren't.

allnewtaketwo · 14/12/2012 11:07

"And Sock, no it shouldn't have to revolve around money, you are right. But sometimes, it does have to revolve around money if a Father wants to spend some time alone with his oldest children, which is almost certainly what the children will want sometimes. The DH can't kick his wife and small child out of their home while he has some alone time with his DC, so where is he supposed to take them in this weather? If he wants to spend time with them without an attention demanding baby around, then he is likely to need to take them somewhere that requires money to be spent. The way I see it, this is an essential expense, it's not a treat"

Only on a thread about step-children could a trip to MacDonalds be seen as essential expenditure. hahahahahahahahaha

Do you take your eldest child out for these "essential purchases" so you and she can spend time alone away from her younger sister?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 14/12/2012 11:09

By that you mean that your ex regularly leaves the family home to spend the night with your DC's at his Mums?

Sometimes. It allows his GF to have time alone with her older children too when he takes his youngest, which he usually does. They have all spent time together at some point over the weekend too, so it's not a problem.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 14/12/2012 11:11

So, it's OK for you to force your DC's to live your your DH as a part of your family, but not for them to be expected to live together with their Dad and his family?
How long before you think they'll notice your double standards?

You are just being rude now. It's not double standards at all. It's different relationships and different situations.

And I wouldn't have forced my children to live with my DH if he hadn't proved himself to be a wonderful husband and an excellent step dad who both my children like a lot.

PoppyPrincess · 14/12/2012 11:12

Me and DP didn't live together when I got pregnant and his DC also have a bedroom at his Mum's and their are probably times when they would like to spend the night at his Mum's because they are spoilt rotten there and get their dad's attention all to themselves.
But DP's home is here with us now, this is his family and his children are a part of it.
When baby was first newborn and she was suffering from colic and therefore screaming most of the night EVERY night there ware a couple of occasions when DP took the kids (his 2 and my DS) to his Mum's for a sleepover so they weren't kept awake but this was our choice, not because the kids didn't want to stay here.
His ex wasn't happy that the kids stayed at his Mum's because she wanted them to be included in our family as much as possible but then understood when we explained about the colic.
I wouldn't be at all happy if DP dropped us to go running off to his Mum's with his DC every weekend. This is his home, this is where his 3rd child is and we should all be together.
That poor woman is there on her own with a baby and 2 other children, whilst her DP is at his Mum's with just 2 of his children, probably getting waited on hand a foot by his mum...no wonder its putting a strain on their relationship. That really mustn't be easy for her.

Me and DS have got our own bedrooms at my Mum's, does that mean I can just start leaving DP with our baby so I can go for a night off at my Mum's?

IneedAsockamnesty · 14/12/2012 11:16

All of my children's none residential siblings are adults and I am solely funding everything for my dc's so its not really something that effects our life anymore

I do have step children still because there dad and I have not divorced but he is not allowed to come within a certain distance of me or my children. Some of these step children are adults some are not. The ones who are not have regular visits with me accompanied by there mother and I still spoil them lots at Christmas.

I am also providing financial support to the child of my late husband and will until she is in a position to be self funding just as her dad would have done should he still be alive.

My ex bf who is the father of my youngest child ( very short term none committed relationship baby a very happy surprise) has another child. Dad who started life as a good friend of mine was going through a tough time so as a friend I started paying his child's maintainance for him almost 2 years ago. Him and I are no longer friends and parted company before the baby was born .I have only recently been bothered enough inform him and his ex that I will cease to be paying in February ( I figured that gave them enough notice to sort it out) without messing up her Christmas budgeting. I have also funded her Christmas and birthday gifts by providing dad with £100 on each occasion since I started paying for her.

This obviously indicates I do not believe that step children should go without needs and reasonable wants.

Nothing will ever change the fact that this is my choice and always has been.by doing so I am being generous it is certainly not my obligation to do so

And it's not unpleasant nor depriving of any step parent who chooses not to.

SpecialAgentKat · 14/12/2012 11:17

Outraged, am I understanding correctky? Do your DC not stay at your EX and his DPs house when they visit, but your ex-MIL? If I've got it correct... Well, why?

DH and his ex didn't even have a relationship...Just too much booze and a defective condom. It's strange, I actually got to know her only at a slightly slower speed than DH did.

When she came back from rehab, I insisted she have access (started supervised by MIL, went from there etc.) I was pregnant at the time so I knew as badly as I wanted too...I couldn't claim him as my own. Still going through therapy but the way I see it is he has three adults who would die for him and a brother and sister who worship him like a demi God.

I'd say if you took DH, Ex and my feelings out of it, DSS is a very lucky little boy!

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 14/12/2012 11:17

Right, so my children should have to stop spending time at Granny's house, with their much loved cousins nearby, which they have always loved, because of an unplanned pregnancy?

Err, no. Sorry.

This is exactly the sort of thing where my ex has put his children's wants ahead of his girlfriends possible wants, and I think he should be applauded for that.

Moominsarescary · 14/12/2012 11:18

I think he sounds like an idiot who needs to grow up tbh

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 14/12/2012 11:20

Outraged, am I understanding correctky? Do your DC not stay at your EX and his DPs house when they visit, but your ex-MIL? If I've got it correct... Well, why?

Sometimes they stay at my ex's DPs house (and it is her house, not his), but more often they stay at my lovely ex MILs. Why? Because they all want to.

NotaDisneyMum · 14/12/2012 11:20

This is exactly the sort of thing where my ex has put his children's wants ahead of his girlfriends possible wants

I disagree - he has put the wants of his DC's with you ahead of his baby DD's need to have a stable home/family life.

But your are right - every situation is different. Why is it that because YOUR ex has decided that this is best for your DC's, that everyone should do the same thing? Isn't is possible that in MY situation, my DSC would benefit from exactly the situation you say would be detrimental to your DC's?

NotaDisneyMum · 14/12/2012 11:21

more often they stay at my lovely ex MILs. Why? Because they all want to.

Fine - but why does your ex have to stay with them?

SpecialAgentKat · 14/12/2012 11:23

Fair enough, everyone makes different choices for their family.

May I ask how your kids bond with their step and half siblings if they don't stay at your ex's home with his DP? What makes them want to be at granny's? Is it the new baby, step siblings?

(No judgement I swear...Parenting is hard enough, blended families are just confusing!!)

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 14/12/2012 11:23

Yes, perhaps he should grow up. Xmas Hmm

Obviously a man who provides well financially and emotionally for all three of his biological children, maintains an excellent relationship with his co parent, gets on well with his children's step Dad, and is also a good step Dad to two children that are not his, is a complete idiot who needs to grow up.

Only on MN....

wewereherefirst · 14/12/2012 11:24

So when your ex goes home to play happy families with his new partner and baby how will your child think of them? IMO it sounds as if you're deliberately causing a divide. Your child can still see extended family when staying at the fathers home.

I say that as the result of a fucked up family like you're showing, it will mess with your child as he grows.

allnewtaketwo · 14/12/2012 11:24

I'm not convinced that doing what children want (as opposed to need or what's best) makes someone a good parent

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 14/12/2012 11:26

Fine - but why does your ex have to stay with them?

Because that's his time with his children! He stays with his GF nearly every other night of the week, surely one or two nights away every fortnight to be with his own children isn't that bad?!

Sorry, but if it is that bad for his GF (which it isn't, she likes being able to do do older children stuff without the little one) then she should have thought twice when having a baby to a man that has already been very clear about his commitments to his children and his co parent.

SpecialAgentKat · 14/12/2012 11:27

Exactly allnewtaketwo. A good parent spends their life consumed with the guilt of the never ending question.... 'What if?' Grin

PoppyPrincess · 14/12/2012 11:28

outraged you sound like the ex from hell! I think the chances are his gf probably has a voodoo doll of you at home!
It doesn't matter whether a pregnancy is planned or not, that baby is still his!
Most people probably think that our baby was unplanned but she wasn't and even if she was then it doesn't make an ounce of difference to her importance!