DH spending our joint money on his DCs

[ilikelongnaps]

I just want to post here to see if IABU before i tackle this with DH. I'm on mat leave atm receiving stat mat pay so things are tighter than usual. DH and I have a joint acc which we use for our DDs things (although if i'm buying her something not necessarily needed eg a new dress I'll use my own account. We put in an equal amount of money to the joint acc and i like to keep a buffer in there.

Xmas is coming and bearing in mind things are tight this year I've been so careful with buying for our dd. It's her first xmas and wont even notice that she has n't got stacks of gifts so i'm not bothered really but if i could i would have got her a few extra toys etc. I've bought her things with money from my own account and DH hasn't contributed to this.

Today i was checking our joint account online and its ALOT lower than I had expected. It turns out DH has been using the our joint account to buy his DDs bits and pieces eg among other things £30 spent in New Look and cash withdrawn here and there when he's been with them and almost £25 in mcds, all of which he told me about but I assumed it would be him paying out of his account, not ours. I know he's bought his DDs big xmas gifts this year that he said has left him short of money but now i'm stuck with hardly any money in the account to buy dd nappies and milk etc. and we were going to buy an xmas tree and a dd's first stocking.

It's not fair that he knows I'm not earning what I was and i'm going back to work in the new year but i was so careful and not done alot of things with dd that i would have liked to while ive been on mat leave and felt guilty about taking money from the joint account for 'fun' things and not bought any clothes for myself (I wouldn't spend £30 in New Look on myself atm as i wouldn't be able to justify it) and it just seems a bit unfair that just because he's low in his account he can just use our money to treat his dds which i would have no problem with if we could afford it but we can't.

So that was long! I guess i'm ranting and ordinarily i wouldn't mind him using our joint acc to pay for stuff for his dds as long as our dd was stocked in nappies and formula which i think are more important than a 10yo getting some leggings!

What if it changes because Daddy loses his job, or Mummy gets ill? Is that detrimental, too?

These things are unfortunate consequences of life, not things that parents knowingly choose to inflict on their already possibly emotionally vulnerable children.

It couldn't be more different, so you cannot use those things as a comparison.

bonsoir I totally agree with you.
I loved going to my Dad's as a kid for that reason, it was like a proper family which I didn't really have at my mum's, it was just me and her.

My DSC (especially DSD) love it at our house for the same reason, it's not about whether they get spoilt, it's about having a stable loving home, we have lots of fun together and quality time as a family which from what I can gather is something they lack at home with mum (sorry that's not me slating her).
I'm sure they love their new extended family more than the expensive gifts they used to get before we came along.

On the money issue, does anyone else feel like if he dipped his hand in the savings pot for huge frivolous purchases (irrelevant of what they were for or whom for) that's quite a betrayal?

Just on that I'd say OP YANBU.

Hmm Outraged, fair enough. May I ask, in the pursuit of knowing whether out perceptions are just different or your dad was a better one than mine, how did he 'Disney Dazzle' you most often? Toys? Trips? Cinemas?

Toys and trips mostly. But I should add that my Dad passed away when I was a teenager, so I may have a rose tinted view as our relationship never got the chance to be a Father and adult daughter one.

inflict??!! so DP inflicted a sister on his kids did he? He inflicted having a loving family home on them? He inflicted all the fun we have on them? My DSC love their sister and love their new family, I really don't think they consider it as an infliction.

Her arrival hasn't been detrimental because my ex has been very careful to not allow that to happen, either financially or emotionally. However, it could very easily have been detrimental if his girlfriend had thought the way that some people on this thread seem to think.

Of course it is detrimental!

Your DC's Dad spends regular overnight time away from the family home, your DC's are unable to share a normal family life with their baby sister, and they are growing up experiencing a model of family life that puts significant additional pressure on their Dads relationship at a time when many relationships fail even when everything is ideal.

You may believe that your DC's are living the ideal - but from the outside, it looks to me like all the adults are putting their own needs ahead of the DC's.

My DSC (especially DSD) love it at our house for the same reason, it's not about whether they get spoilt, it's about having a stable loving home, we have lots of fun together and quality time as a family

Same Poppy! DSS adores his brother and sister. The other day he sternly told the dog she had to give DTS as many lickies as DTD 'to be fair.' He loves telling everyone and anyone 'to be fair' since the twins came along and he is learning about sharing and turns.

He's started criticizing DH if he pours himself a bigger lager drink than I! Cheeky little mite, loves his rules.

P.S. Was a totally safe scenario. Toothless old Chihuahua mix.

What if it changes because Daddy loses his job, or Mummy gets ill? Is that detrimental, too?

These things are unfortunate consequences of life, not things that parents knowingly choose to inflict on their already possibly emotionally vulnerable children.

Is divorce an unfortunate consequence of life - or is is a choice that parents knowingly choose to inflict?
Why didn't you and your ex stay together for the sake of the DC's if you are so determined to protect them from any negative impact of your actions?

I'm so sorry Outraged. :( I don't know what to say. :(

My father was big on trips to the zoo, aquarium, carnivals etc with many toys and souvenirs from each event. First I was a spoiled brat and I'm ashamed of how I treated my mother, then the novelty wore off as I noticed all these outings or giving me a toy or something to go distract myself with meant I was away from him.

In the 8 years I have known my Step son his mother has had at least 8 new partners, at my house we have 2children, but we have stability, we still give him as much as we did (within reason!) and he still has quality father-son time. My role as a step mother and mother is to give a chance to the DC's to have equal time with their father as well as me.

I didn't have a Disney dad growing up, my dad took me to walk round a market each Saturday then clock watched until my mum came home from work. I know that situation is shit.

I'm glad my dc don't think the amount of money spent on them is as important as the relationship they have with their dad and their half brothers.

Having expensive gifts and trips to mcd really doesn't matter to them.

Nota I can assure you, our situation is not detrimental to any of the children involved in it.

My DCs Dad didn't live with them in the first place. He had another child to a woman who already has 2 children, before they were at the stage of even living together. She was a beautiful surprise.

I will admit they don't share a 'normal' family life, but then what is normal. Does any child in a step family live a 'normal' family life. I suppose that depends on what you consider to be normal. Personally, I wouldn't use that word, but if I did then I would consider a normal family to be one where two co habiting parents are biological parents to all of their children.

They do all have a happy life though, all the children are well adjusted, well cared for, and are considered special and important by all of the adults involved in this family.

I will also admit that this situation may cause additional pressure on my ex's relationship, it took his girlfriend a long time to come to terms with the fact that we fully co parent and are friends. But I would argue that it's not me and my children that have put pressure on their relationship, it's them having another child that has caused any pressure because her expectations of my ex changed after they had their child together.

I can assure you, the adults here are very much not putting their needs ahead of the children's. I can't even see what makes you think that. The fact that all of us have always put the children first is what enables us to have a happy extended family. We all get on well.

notadisneymum & outraged sorry have I missed something? Why is dad spending time away from the family home and DC missing out on a normal family life with half sister?

If a child lives in a house with both parents what tends to happen is Christmas presents are obtained and given jointly to the dc's it would be unusual unless the household is very well off for one parent to get a £300 ish gift for the dc and for the other parent to do the same,

When parents split up the dc's tend to end up with 2 households gifting significant or main type gifts each where as before it would have just been one.

It's pretty unfair to any children of both households who have both there parents under the same roof who don't have 2 different households doing this but they have to watch the outcome of it.

Or the ones who don't get trips out ect due to cost but then have to sit by and watch whilst the other children of the same parent do,or only get to do fun stuff whilst the other children are there.

I have a friend who is a step mum she is also the only earner in the household her dc's (with dh) never get to do anything fun like trips or the cinema or treats,holidays ect without the none resident dh's dc's also coming because dh is a Disney dad who over compensates. Every treat is let's wait till this day when we are all here. as a result they feel like its all about the other kids and they aren't worth as much to the family as the other kids are they also know that the other kids get treated in the other household all the time ( not a issue but relevant) as a result of this her dh is shortly about to become her ex dh.

Oh no! AgentKat don't worry, it's fine! I didn't mean to make you feel bad! I was also a spoiled brat as a child, but I always knew I was loved by both sides of my family, even if the way that my Dad showed it was endless trips to Hamleys!

My parents split when I was still little, so I grew up not really knowing any different.

I would argue that it's not me and my children that have put pressure on their relationship, it's them having another child that has caused any pressure

I would suggest it is not just another child, but your ex's choice to leave the family home on a regular basis in order to pander to accommodate the desires of your shared DC's that has created pressure.

Presumably, if/when your ex and his DP get married, then you will insist to your DC's that they stay overnight at the family home with their stepmum and step siblings - just like you have insisted they live with your DH as a family?

Poppy I said somewhere earlier that my ex doesn't always stay overnight in the home where his youngest child lives, he stays with his family often because my dc have their own bedroom at his Mums house. They do spend time together though.

poppy If you read back, outraged's ex regularly leaves his family home with his DD and DSC to spend overnights with his DC's from his marriage with outraged. Their DC's won't join the family because they don't like their Dads DSC - and outraged supports this because her ex and his DP aren't married.

Perhaps her expectations changed because she expect her children's dad to also co parent there child fully in the same way he does with his other child

Yeah, mine split when I was young too. Going back to your post about the word 'normal...' I think I would have found it downright weird if my father lived with us!

Serious question: With regards to your e's girlfriend, are you sure her expectations of your ex didn't just naturally change like most women do with motherhood, or do you know it was a step related change?

Then you are mistaken Nota

When my children's half sibling was conceived, my ex and his girlfriend didn't live together. They didn't have a family home for him to leave.

He does not pander to our children, he accommodates them in his life, obviously. That's what parents are supposed to do! He didn't want his relationship with his children to change because of an unplanned pregnancy. That's one of the things that makes him an excellent Father. He is an excellent Father to his youngest child too.

Why would I insist on anything that my ex chooses to do with his own children during his time with them? He is their Dad, and can be trusted to make his own decisions on where to stay with his own children.

Yes, I do expect that my ex's GFs expectations changed when he became a Father to a child of hers, of course.

That doesn't mean his relationship or commitment to his previous children should change though.

When my children's half sibling was conceived, my ex and his girlfriend didn't live together.

Do they live together as a family now?

sock it's a little like that in our house too but it's not DP who suggests waiting till his kids are there, it's usually me. I would feel guilty splashing out on a day at the zoo without DSC there, especially since they don't do things like that with their mum. And you can guarantee that my DS would tell them and they would get upset but I've never really seen it from the viewpoint of my DS, he is only 3 though so I'm not sure he would have thought about it yet.
DP's ex has stopped contact at the mo but we're still not going for days out as I know DP would just be sad that his kids aren't there. We've not even been to a park together since the contact was stopped 2 months ago, it's silly really because DS is missing out and we're all missing out on family time because part of the family is missing. I'd not even thought about it until I've just read it though.

Wait what? Why does marriage matter? When/if they do marry, isn't it going to be a much more jolting change because they won't be used to their new stepmum?