DH spending our joint money on his DCs

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I just want to post here to see if IABU before i tackle this with DH. I'm on mat leave atm receiving stat mat pay so things are tighter than usual. DH and I have a joint acc which we use for our DDs things (although if i'm buying her something not necessarily needed eg a new dress I'll use my own account. We put in an equal amount of money to the joint acc and i like to keep a buffer in there.

Xmas is coming and bearing in mind things are tight this year I've been so careful with buying for our dd. It's her first xmas and wont even notice that she has n't got stacks of gifts so i'm not bothered really but if i could i would have got her a few extra toys etc. I've bought her things with money from my own account and DH hasn't contributed to this.

Today i was checking our joint account online and its ALOT lower than I had expected. It turns out DH has been using the our joint account to buy his DDs bits and pieces eg among other things £30 spent in New Look and cash withdrawn here and there when he's been with them and almost £25 in mcds, all of which he told me about but I assumed it would be him paying out of his account, not ours. I know he's bought his DDs big xmas gifts this year that he said has left him short of money but now i'm stuck with hardly any money in the account to buy dd nappies and milk etc. and we were going to buy an xmas tree and a dd's first stocking.

It's not fair that he knows I'm not earning what I was and i'm going back to work in the new year but i was so careful and not done alot of things with dd that i would have liked to while ive been on mat leave and felt guilty about taking money from the joint account for 'fun' things and not bought any clothes for myself (I wouldn't spend £30 in New Look on myself atm as i wouldn't be able to justify it) and it just seems a bit unfair that just because he's low in his account he can just use our money to treat his dds which i would have no problem with if we could afford it but we can't.

So that was long! I guess i'm ranting and ordinarily i wouldn't mind him using our joint acc to pay for stuff for his dds as long as our dd was stocked in nappies and formula which i think are more important than a 10yo getting some leggings!

Well he doesn't sound like it, he kind of lives with his gf and new baby but you don't think he would if it wasn't for the baby.

Your dc don't get on with her dc so he buggers off to his mums whenever he wants instead of dealing with the situation.

Doesn't sound like a stable happy situation to me.

Outraged do they get to have a relationship with there half sibling? Does your ex also take his newer child sometimes?

May I ask how your kids bond with their step and half siblings if they don't stay at your ex's home with his DP? What makes them want to be at granny's? Is it the new baby, step siblings?

They are not as close to the youngest sibling as the other two older ones are, but the other two live with her and my children don't. They have time all together, and they have time just them, their dad and their half sibling.

They are very good friends with one of the GFs children, my oldest one especially is as they are the same age. They struggle to get along with the other older child, just because he happens to be quite difficult, and he has been very mean to my youngest in the past. But with support from all of us, the problems are minimal, and they all understand that they are part of a family.

They tend to like to be at Granny's because there is a bedroom for them there, they don't have to sleep on the floor, and there is a big park right outside the house where they play with their similar aged cousins, who they have always been very close to, who all live nearby. That's all.

I think that moomins comment was to the op not you outraged

No it was to outraged not the op

Sorry outraged I didn't realise you had explained that already.

I agree that its normal for children to have stronger bonds with other children they live with than ones they don't.

Trying not to judge Outraged but I don't understand why your partner gets to be around when you have DC, but your ex must leave his DP, baby and her child?

I mean...Why? How are they supposed to bond, form their own family unit built on mutual respect. How can that happen if they don't even live with dad, they 'live' with granny??

I think leaving your baby for a few days a week to be with other children is a pretty shitty thing to do. Not just in terms of favouritism, but his poor partner probably wants a hands on dad who helps with night feeds etc.

That kind of segregation will teach the kids there's a very good reason to be kept away from stepmum/little sister/step sibling. THAT isn't healthy.

Sorry, judgey pants are on. If your DH leaves when you have the DC, I shall humbly drop them and apologise profusely.

Ok then moomins it was rude nasty and unwarranted

Outraged do they get to have a relationship with there half sibling? Does your ex also take his newer child sometimes?

Yes, they do. He nearly always takes the little one. I have already said that, but I appreciate it can be confusing!

I realise that people are having problems accepting this, but all the children in this family are well loved and well cared for, by all of us.

We share special occasions, we help each other out. We worked through initial problems and discomforts and now we have five happy children between us who have four loving adults to support them. I know it's unusual, but unusual isn't wrong, and we do what works for us. I don't like being made to feel like I have to justify my family set up because its unusual.

Hmm sounds like your ex needs a bigger house and to make sure there's no rivalry going on Outraged!

No it wasn't, he sounds like he needs to grow up and provide a stable home for his dc when they are with him. Trotting of to his mums when he has them is hardly doing that.

No I agree Outraged, unusual isn't wrong...I'm closer to DSS's mum than DH...By far. I facilitate all of the contact arrangements. Almost everyone I know finds this really weird. DH has valid reasons for not wanting to see her, but don't wanna out myself!

I get unusual (never dreamed this would be the way my family life went!) I just worry for ex's DP ad the baby.

Then again DH knows if he so much as glances at a clock when DTS and DSS are going off he's doomed.

Trying not to judge Outraged but I don't understand why your partner gets to be around when you have DC, but your ex must leave his DP, baby and her child?

It's not that my DH 'gets' to be around but that my ex 'must' leave his DP. It's just not like that. He chooses to take his children (usually all of his children, sometimes including his step children) to stay at his Mums because she has a lovely environment for them.

And it's his choice! I can't force him to do anything, but I am glad that he didn't change everything my children had become used to and were very happy with when he had a new baby.

Also, the new baby isn't a baby anymore, she has just started school.

Hmm sounds like your ex needs a bigger house and to make sure there's no rivalry going on Outraged!

Yes, he could do with a bigger house! But then so could I! Couldn't we all?

outraged I don't really believe that you do get on with the gf like you claim you do or that you think their baby is so lovely as you first said....if you did you wouldn't keep speaking about their relationship and their 'unplanned pregnancy' the way you do.

Why say things like you don't think they'd be living together if it wasn't for the baby. How do you know that? You really know what goes on in their relationship?
And you made a comment about your DC's relationship with their father shouldn't change because of his unplanned pregnancy. So you discuss contraception with your ex do you? He told you the baby was unplanned? And what if she had have been planned? Would that make it ok for your children to he affected by her arrival? It is a baby, a human being we are talking about and that human being is as much your ex's as your children are, they are no more and no less important.
I think the way you talk about his gf, his relationship and the baby makes you sound a little bitter.

Sorry Outraged, I feel stupid but I don't get it...Though I'm sure you've heard that before! I won't tie you up explaining the dynamics, every (blended) family is different.

So he now apparently sometimes takes the step children too? I thought the reason he took the kids to his mums was because they didn't get on with the step children?

On the rivalry thing, I won't lie an pretend this has never been an issue. It has, but this family has been going a long time and it's not a problem now.

Exs GF and I talk to each other so that we ensure that none of the children are getting significantly more than any others for Christmas.

We have the situation we have and we make the best of it. We all just want happy and well adjusted children. That isn't going to happen for any of us if we as the adults encourage bad feeling.

Moomins

So the gf is happy with this suituation as she gets to spend quality time with her older children some of the time outraged dc's are with dad.

Outraged is happy

The children are happy

The grandparent is happy

The cousins are happy

The baby is not left out

It is not every time dad has the dc's

Everybody is happy.

It may be odd but it obviously works. Whilst I think outraged's way of explaining it is negative and unpleasant as I think a lot of her posts are and her attitude towards second families are vile.

But don't jump on her for something that keeps all involved happy and works just because you can't get your head around it ripping into her and her ex for keeping everybody happy makes you look silly.

Pick up n something rational instead like her belief that iPads McDonald's and new look shopping trips are essentials.

You can never really know what someone is like until you actually live with them - and you should have no right to dictate the life of your ex - its sim

I don't like being made to feel like I have to justify my family set up because its unusual.

And yet, you expect others to justify their own choices, judging them because they don't mirror your "unusual" situation.

some step parents convince themselves that they are adding to the lives of their step children when they give them a half sibling, when actually, they are not

It amazes me that your focus is on the fact that your ex and his DP were not living together when your DC's sister was conceived, and that you consider yourself to be an equal to her in his life, as you are both mother to his DC's and they have chosen not to marry, so they have not made a commitment to each other.

The baby is now at least 4 years old so your ex and his DP have been in a stable relationship for at least 4 years, she has been a part of your DC's life for at least 4 years, and she has been his choice of life partner for at least 4 years. Like it or not, she is your DC's stepmum, and a piece of paper doesn't define that relationship - actions do.

It's simply wrong to be spending nights away on a regular basis like this and sad that you can see it - I love to see the situation reversed.

outraged I don't really believe that you do get on with the gf like you claim you do or that you think their baby is so lovely as you first said....if you did you wouldn't keep speaking about their relationship and their 'unplanned pregnancy' the way you do.

I can assure you, I get on fine with the GF. I have no reason not to, she's nice to my children, she accepts that I co parent with her BF, what more could I ask for?

I can also promise you that I adore their little one. I work with children and generally like most 5yos, but this one is my children's little sister! Of course that makes her special to me!

Why say things like you don't think they'd be living together if it wasn't for the baby. How do you know that? You really know what goes on in their relationship?

I don't know that, I said 'I think'. it's my opinion based on what I have seen and heard from them. They both work hard to make their relationship work.

And you made a comment about your DC's relationship with their father shouldn't change because of his unplanned pregnancy. So you discuss contraception with your ex do you? He told you the baby was unplanned?

Yes he told me it was unplanned and I discuss things with my ex that are likely to affect our dc. We are friends as well as co parents. Either way, it wouldn't have been hard to work out that the baby was unplanned thinking about the situation they were in at the time.

And what if she had have been planned? Would that make it ok for your children to he affected by her arrival? no, if my children were affected negatively, that wouldn't have been ok with me. Although I wouldn't have had a choice anyway. I'm just pleased I had children with a man I like and trust.

It is a baby, a human being we are talking about and that human being is as much your ex's as your children are, they are no more and no less important*

Yes, obviously. Talk about stating the bleeding obvious!

I think the way you talk about his gf, his relationship and the baby makes you sound a little bitter.

Really? Then you are wrong. I actually feel very blessed that I have been able to be part of this family.

I would say at five years old, she qualifies as a life 'partner' not just a 'girlfriend.'

*at HAVING a five year old!!