DH spending our joint money on his DCs

[ilikelongnaps]

I just want to post here to see if IABU before i tackle this with DH. I'm on mat leave atm receiving stat mat pay so things are tighter than usual. DH and I have a joint acc which we use for our DDs things (although if i'm buying her something not necessarily needed eg a new dress I'll use my own account. We put in an equal amount of money to the joint acc and i like to keep a buffer in there.

Xmas is coming and bearing in mind things are tight this year I've been so careful with buying for our dd. It's her first xmas and wont even notice that she has n't got stacks of gifts so i'm not bothered really but if i could i would have got her a few extra toys etc. I've bought her things with money from my own account and DH hasn't contributed to this.

Today i was checking our joint account online and its ALOT lower than I had expected. It turns out DH has been using the our joint account to buy his DDs bits and pieces eg among other things £30 spent in New Look and cash withdrawn here and there when he's been with them and almost £25 in mcds, all of which he told me about but I assumed it would be him paying out of his account, not ours. I know he's bought his DDs big xmas gifts this year that he said has left him short of money but now i'm stuck with hardly any money in the account to buy dd nappies and milk etc. and we were going to buy an xmas tree and a dd's first stocking.

It's not fair that he knows I'm not earning what I was and i'm going back to work in the new year but i was so careful and not done alot of things with dd that i would have liked to while ive been on mat leave and felt guilty about taking money from the joint account for 'fun' things and not bought any clothes for myself (I wouldn't spend £30 in New Look on myself atm as i wouldn't be able to justify it) and it just seems a bit unfair that just because he's low in his account he can just use our money to treat his dds which i would have no problem with if we could afford it but we can't.

So that was long! I guess i'm ranting and ordinarily i wouldn't mind him using our joint acc to pay for stuff for his dds as long as our dd was stocked in nappies and formula which i think are more important than a 10yo getting some leggings!

[IceBergJam]

'some step parents convince themselves that they are adding to the lives of their step children when they give them a half sibling, when actually, they are not '

What an idiotic thing to say.

My DD has definitley added yo my DSSs lives. You only have to watch them together. The desperation of wanting to come to the hospital to see her, to hold her. Near tears when they heard how we nearly lost her during birth. Hours of playing with her and practicing parenting skills. Facebook profile pictures of her. Eagerness to book time off work for her first birthday. Money spent on gifts. Cuddling and kissing her.

I am proud of them and have watched them grow into amazing teens since DD was born.

[OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos]

Didn't say my way was the right way and I didn't say no one else's circumstances could be different.

My DH didn't get referred to as step dad until we got married because we wanted to save it for the wedding. He didn't behave any differently before we were married to the way he does now, it was just that for us, we wanted to keep that term special so that it was something the dc actually gained from our marriage.

[CaHoHoHootz]

outraged. I don't know why you are getting such a grilling. It sounds as though you, your DH, your ExP and his partner have a great approach to to raising your DC's. The fact that you can all get on is fantastic. All your DC's are lucky to have family around them who put all their needs first.

[SpecialAgentKat]

Oh thank you Poppy and Outraged! With the help of therapy, I've come or am at least trying to the conclusion if my DSS knows I love him the exact amount I love my DTS, I can find a way to accept I will never be 'his mum.' I can live with that as long as he knows how much I love him.

Poppy, no, and I dn't mind you asking. In fact, I prefer it. People usually just assume the worst instead of asking!

DSS was conceived through a one night stand at a concert, (charming, I'm sure? ) DH and I met less than a month later. I look back and think "If my daughter stayed around with a prick who knocked some junkie up..."

Yet DH has an amazing job where he helps people and earns a good salary, he finally got rid of his goatee so he's completely gorgeous

As soon as he found out ex was pregnant, he pulled his act together, got a job and started being hygienic. and that's when I met him.

[OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos]

I am appalled that you think keeping 2 separate lives like this is acceptable for your ex - it's almost if if his partner is OW - I have no doubt she feels sidelined and possibly it is contributing to issues in their relationship.

Whatis, you are reading my situation very differently from the way I am trying (maybe badly) to put it across.

It is very much not two separate lives. If anything, an extended step family where children are picked up from one home and family and are taken to another home and family is encouraging separate lives far more than the way we do things.

It is not two separate lives because all the children have seen all of us in each others homes having a cup of tea, they have seen us all go out together, they have all been looked after by all of us without their biological parent being there at the same time. They have continuity between the two sides of the family because we talk about things.

what you have done outraged is encourage this situation for your DCs at the expense of the exes.

No, I haven't. When this strange family set up first began, yes, I put my children first and as I am their mother, my concern for them was the biggest concern I had. But it was never going to do them any favours if they saw another woman being treated badly, they weren't going to grow up with stability if they were treated vastly differently to their step and half siblings. Which is why we have all done our best to make this work, because its what's best for all the children.

If the ex doesn't like it ( big if, because as far as I know she is as happy with it as I am) then no one is forcing her to be part of it. If she doesn't like the way her boyfriend/partner/whatever treats her and her children, she is free to get rid of him!

[OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos]

Thank you CaHo

[Whatistodaysname]

So she should end it with DP rather than want a normal family situation for her children?? That works.

You make it sound like she has no choice in these matters - it maybe she loves it - especially if they haven't got the space - but personally - over my dead body would I allow this situation to have ever arisen in the first place.

How would you feel if your DCs started spending their weekends in their fathers home (where they should be).

[OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos]

What makes you think you have the right to tell me where my children should be?

[Whatistodaysname]

Touchy touchy.

It's the Internet - people have opinions - you dont want them - don't overshare.

[OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos]

Ok, I'm getting annoyed now. How dare you try and tell me where my children should be? That is a matter for me and their Dad to decide, not out partners, and certainly not some Internet random.

Of course she has a choice about the whole situation. She could have chosen not to get involved with a man who had children in the first place. As it is, she chose to have a child with a man who already has a commitment to children and their Mother. Almost the same as my DH chose to marry me with the full knowledge that if he was going to be with me, then he was going to have to make the effort with my ex, because no one was going to interfere with the relationship we had built up to enable us to be the best parents we can be.

[OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos]

Oddly enough, yes, I do get touchy when people that don't know me try to tell me what to do with my own children.

Anyway, is that the best response you can come up with? Do you enjoy pissing people off?

[Whatistodaysname]

I don't need to come up with a response that satisfies you. You need to either not share your life story or accept that people may well disagree with your stance.

It's not about winding anyone one, but about calling a spade, a spade.

I think your "relationship" with your ex, his partner and her children, is entirely based on what has satisfied you in the past and everyone is now used to it and doesn't want to rock the boat.

The partner may have learned to live with it and may even enjoy it now -that doesn't make it less disrespectful - or any more right.

Any more than you deciding that couples who aren't married are somehow "less" than those who are is right.

You reference to your exes child as an "unplanned pregnancy" 5 years down the road - just about sums everything up really.

I don't think you would tolerate this situation if your DH had already had children when you met him, if you went on to have more. But you know yourself, I don't I can only base my opinion on what you have posted on this thread, so far.

[Whatistodaysname]

"child with a man who already has a commitment to children and their Mother"

He has no commitment to you - at all - you make it sound as if they have been together 5 minutes, not years, his first and foremost commitment should be to his partner.

I co-parent with my ex - very well, but my first loyalty is to my husband, because equally, I chose to marry him.

Want to know how you come across in one simple word - jealous.

[OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos]

You are right, I wouldn't tolerate it for myself if I were the ex. That's the only thing is your post that is correct though.

You can disagree with me all you like, that's what this forum is for. I just don't like being told what I should do by people that only know the basics of a situation.

[OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos]

Jealous of what?

[SpecialAgentKat]

I don't agree with the way Outraged describes her ex and DP's relationship and subsequent style, but I seriously doubt she meant it to come across like she has bad will towards her ex's baby girl, ore that she's thinking of her own DC's so deep and hard she couldn't focus on anything else.

[Whatistodaysname]

I have no idea - but you seem to think you should have an inordinate amount of control over your exes relationship with his partner(s).

Rather like you want your cake and to eat it.

As time passes, in a normal relationship, loyalties naturally move onto the new partner, in a committed relationship and boundaries are set.

In this situation, that does not appear to have happened, it appears, based on what has been posted on this thread, you are using your children to control your ex and he is happy to allow it.

You all sound totally and overwhelmingly inter/co dependent and I wonder what would happen if someone was to step outside of the drawn boundaries and "defy" them.

You description that the partner should simply end it if she doesn't like it - rather than your ex should work on his relationship with his partner, reinforces that view.

[OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos]

Ok, I see it differently. But then it's my life, so ill go with my own view of it thanks.

I don't have or want any control over my ex's relationship, I just want happy children that are never made to feel second best. That's really where all this started. My ex feels the same as I do. Which is a bonus, seeing as we made children together.

I don't think anyone feels the need to decide where loyalties are, no one is in competition with each other

We are no more co dependant than any other family that helps each other out occasionally.

Why do you think I don't think my ex shouldn't work on his relationship with his partner? Where have I said that?

[MrsHoarder]

I think the OP may have got a little scared by all this.

Outraged you only have one perspective, there is no need to fight everyone who brings a different perspective.

From where I'm looking: if the OP and her DP understood the financial agreement the same way, and the joint account was set up for essentials to allow the adults to spend freely on gifts/treats/unbudgeted spending without worrying, then the OP is NBU. Its a sensible approach to have if the adults have differing views on spending, as neither adult should go on a spending spree and put the family into difficulties and they can both spend from their accounts without fretting that the money has been budgeted for by the other adult.

I suspect its just a communication breakdown and that the OP's DP doesn't think of the money that way in which case they just need to discuss how much extra money each should put in to pay for days out for the DP's older DCs and for their DD.

Or she could be a wicked stepmother plotting how to make her DSD do all the housework whilst her own DD gets to go to the ball, that makes for much better arguments

[OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos]

AgentKat you are right that I don't have any bad feeling at all towards my dcs sister.

I find it weird that anyone thinks I would! Apart from being lovely, she is my own children's sister!^

[timeforachangebaby]

This is what you said the partner could do if she doesnt like the situation "If she doesn't like the way her boyfriend/partner/whatever treats her and her children, she is free to get rid of him"

[OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos]

Yes, what's wrong with that? Anyone who doesn't like the situation they are in can do something to change it?

MrsHoarder, I agree with you about the OP. I think the problem has come because of a breakdown in communication and because of a misunderstanding of what the joint account was to be used for. Not because the DH is an arse.

[SoWhatIfImWorkingClass]

"some step parents convince themselves that they are adding to the lives of their step children when they give them a half sibling, when actually, they are not "

This is disgusting.

[wewereherefirst]

No, the DH in the OP is an arse. Children don't need Ipads- can they do their homework on them? No they can't. Is £25quid in McD's essential? No.

Ergo, OP's DH is a tit.

[OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos]

Oh! That's what the problem is! And there was me thinking that you could do homework on Christmas stockings and that Christmas trees were essential! Silly me!