..in not feeling comfortable with leaving my precious 5 wk old baby with MIL?!

[havingastress]

I've posted before - don't have the best relationship with the MIL..

Anyway. She is now pressurising me massively to leave our baby with her overnight (without me) and I just don't feel comfortable at all. I'm running out of ways to say No - she just will not let it lie. She also wants us to go for extended stays, when frankly I can't bear spending more than a couple of hours at their house (they have big dogs which they refuse to put away and I'm allergic to them) as I find her such bloody hard work.

If I'm honest, the only person (other than my DH) who I feel comfortable leaving her with right now is my mum. But after all, she's my mum! MIL might be my DD's granny, but I really don't know her that well and I just would never forgive myself if something happened.

So, AIBU to keep saying No to the MIL? Or is she being unreasonable expecting to spend alone time with DD and complaining that my mum gets 'better access' (her words)

and yes, realise I am probably being PFB about this too

Will take on board all comments :)

having DS is 2 and we've never left him overnight before. Heck, DH wouldn't leave him with babysitters until he was nearly 18 months, and I think the first one was my Mum (I used to go out to parties and things, but DH couldn't do it, so ended up staying in. win! :) )

Your MIL is bonkers. A control freak. A bully. I was reading the whole 'decided to wean her grandson at 4months" thing with an open mouth of horror and !

I agree with ALL the posters saying put your foot down HARD, NOW, and start setting out some ground rules for what kind of access she will have to YOUR (yes, that is right, YOUR) daughter. Like: She can come and visit in your house. Nice and simple, right?

the idea of an overnight separation from a 5 week old gives me the heebiejeebies, frankly. She isn't doing this for YOUR good or your daughter's good - it's all about her. Don't give in!

(and yes, I am the mother of a son (soon to be 2 sons!) and I will be someone's MIL some day, and by god I'll never come between a mother and her newborn, that's just outrageous!)

BUT WHY wouldn't you dh leave your child with someone. It doesn't make any logical sense.

Haven't read the whole thread. just wanted to say 5 weeks is too young to be away with anyone overnight in my opinion. But then DD is 2 & has never spent a night not with either me or DH (not for want of trying DPs have never offered and ILs are not well)

YANBU. But then if you did want to that wouldn't BU either. Just tell her no.

Get your DH to tell her once and for all to stop asking.
There is no reason a 5 week old baby needs to be away from it's mother overnight.
For everyone saying your mil should have equal rights to seeing the baby what a load of crap.
My mil is an alcoholic who injures herself on a regular basis,she has never been allowed to look after my twins and will never be left with them alone.my parents however regularly look after them because I know they won't bloody injure themselves or my children.DH is in total agreement.my mil does not have equal rights in looking after them because of the fact that she chooses to prioritise alcohol over everything else including her precious dc and dgc.
Op you must not feel pressured,your baby is the priority here.
Good luck x

Why wouldn't you leave your child with someone? Why would you, if you didn't want or need to

At 5 weeks I wouldn't have left DS for more than a couple of hours with DH, as it would have been distressing for both of us. I didn't want or need to leave him until he was 6 months old, and then just one night occasionally with my mum. Have never left him with MIL as he doesn't know her well enough.

So annoying when op's don't come back even though so many people take the time to post...

The OP last posted at 2pm today She might actually be busy with her baby...

Have been very busy with the baby - she's suffering from reflux bless her. Every feed takes an hour and then more with winding, then trying to comfort her!

gimme sorry, what did you want me to update on? I'll just have a quick read through what I've missed. :)

gimme the OP has a 5 week old baby and is not well herself, still recovering from birth.

Just to confirm, no, I haven't left baby with my mum overnight. We have stayed overnight at mums, but hey, it's my mum!

But other than taking her for 2 hrs whilst I went to the hairdressers, she has not spent any alone time with her. I might add the whole time i was in the hairdressers I was texting mum checking she was ok!! (the baby, not my mum ha)

My mum also hasn't demanded to take her out on her own in the pram (MIL has purchased her OWN pram so that I have no excuse not to let her ) and basically hasn't presumed or assumed anything. Bless her, she evens checks is it ok to pick her up! MIL literally grabbed DD off me

YANBU at all.

i was a bit nervous having to leave my PSB 8 month old with my PIL. for an hour.

PFB is 3 and has never been away overnight, my parents came round while I went into hospital to have no 2 and even that stressed me out! was glad to get out quickly. :)

congratulations on your wee baby, sorry about your MIL!

Op. why don't you send her a leaflet for one of those real lifelike doll things.

There is no way I would have left my DS at that age with anyone!! Not even DH! My MIL was going on about taking DS on holiday to Wales before we even got home from hospital, making plans for taking him away from his mum in the future for holidays. I was so and . I don't think they realise, it'll have been a long time since they had their DC so they must forget. I just didn't entertain my MIL when she said anything. My DS stayed with her overnight for one night when DH and I got married. I wouldn't do it for no reason though, that's just ridiculous

This thread is very interesting to me as I was very distressed by my MIL in the summer. She sounds similar. I posted a thread called MIL Meltdown in late July/early August.
Anyway, I'm getting on fine with her now. The meltdown happened because I refused to be bullied by her. It was quite cathartic in the end - she recognises now that DH and I are in charge. She has just done a bit of emergency babysitting for us, which I appreciate, and she was happy to do. We had a lovely chat before she left, and I'm glad we are getting on better - it's a good situation for everyone. DD is 18 months old now, and things have been tense since she was a newborn, but I can finally say that it's all going well, so it was worth sticking to my guns.
I think if I had let her bully me, I would still be quietly seething, and miserable. It was a power struggle, but now that's in the past (I think - til next time....)
OP, YANBU!!!!!

seoladair your story gives me hope :) thank you!

I'm a mother-in-law - but I was a mother first. I wouldn't have considered leaving my tiny baby with anyone; nor would I have wanted to have my grandson overnight at that age. In fact, I'd have been pretty shocked if his parents had suggested it.

I don't understand this belief that grandparents are somehow owed time alone with a grandchild. I now mind my toddler grandson two days a week, but I don't think it's my "right". His parents (I assume) trust me enough to ask me to care for him while they work, and I'm happy to help them.

However, I don't blur the boundaries - his daddy is my child. I had my turn of nursing my babies, seeing them through sleepless nights and rearing them to adulthood. I enjoyed it hugely, but I have no desire to start again - and while I adore my grandson, I wave him off happily at the end of the day. I suspect that many grandmothers want to play mummy again with their grandchildren - I'd nip any sign of this in the bud.

You're the parents; your baby is not a new toy to be shared around the family. It's completely natural that you want to keep her close at this stage - enjoy her.

Babyboomer- you sound completely normal and sane. I feel reassured now that becoming a grandma won't turn me into a frothing possessive lunatic.

I was a bit scared reading the horror stories on this thread, but I think if you weren't a mad control freak before you had grandchildren, you are not likely to suddenly become one the day they are born.

I'm a gran. I looked after my DGS a couple of times over night when he was tiny (he's only just coming up to six months now so still not exactly large lol). But I looked after him at my DD's home, and the only reason was to enable my DD and her DP to get some much needed sleep. Him being more than a room away from his parents was as unthinkable to me as it was to them.

I will never understand these self centered grannies-who-see-themselves-as-mums. I simply cannot get my head round the lack of empathy and zero respect they show their children and their partners, let alone their grandchildren.

An idea occurred to me when reading this thread. It might not be appropriate in this case but it might help someone else. If one of these crazed grans want to have their DGC over night suggest they take over the care at the parents' home for a night rather than at their own. That would soon weed them out, and calling their bluff might get them to back off a bit.

Good luck to all trying to deal with these women. My heart goes out to you.

There are some lovely MILS/grannies on this thread. :)

fish good plan actually for my mil, thank you for idea!

Mil and granny here too (even though my dd is younger than dgs) when dgs was born I never imagined I'd ever do anything unless asked by dil.
Around 6 weeks they were very tired so I tentatively suggested I would do some night feeds whilst either staying at mine or theirs. They were grateful and enjoyed the break.
On another note I wasn't able to breast feed my last baby so mil also thought she could massively overstep the mark. I felt annoyed that just because I wasn't breast feeding it was assumed that I didn't have a bond with my baby

babyboomersrock and Fishlaar If only all MILs had the same attitude as you. It would let DILs enjoy their time with their babies instead of having to stress with MILs who want to be mothers again. I for one had no idea this dynamic existed. I knew that there were problems between MILs and DILs but didn't know why and never thought it would happen to me. It has been a real eye opener.

babyboomer That was a wonderful, articulate and sane post to read on this thread! As one of the many who suffers with a MIL who wants to play mummy, but my own mother is more like you, I think a lot of it has to do with how happy and satisfied you were with your own experience of bringing up babies.

My mother had 3 daughters and was (is) an amazing mum. She took to motherhood easily (including 3 relatively easy births) and clearly enjoyed and loved being a mum.

My MIL has 2 sons, was deeply traumatised by her first experience of pregnancy and childbirth (not that I think it was any worse than my mum's, it doesn't seem to have been objectively terrible - nothing bad happened - but I think she was traumatised by the loss of control as she's a total control freak - her own words) and then suffered bad postnatal depression with her first baby (my partner).

I think this has a lot to do with how different they are as grans. In two ways - firstly my MIL sees being a new mum as really terrible and difficult, so she thought any "help" (like rearranging everything in my kitchen) would be appreciated, whereas my mum understood that I wanted time and space to chill out with my partner and baby.

Secondly, and maybe more importantly, for my MIL becoming a gran was like a chance to repair/erase/make up for the terrible experience she had of PND. She actually said to me when my daughter was 5 days old "this is what I always wanted, a perfect little girl" and I thought "but you don't have one, she's mine!"

Whereas my mum has happy memories of her own early experiences of motherhood, so she doesn't need/want to try to replay it by being a gran.

Not saying that evryone who has PND turns into a nightmare grandma, or that it all comes from the same root, but I think it might explain it with a lot of the MILs described on this thread.

YANBU at all. I think at 5 weeks I hadn?t been apart from my baby other than to go to the loo or bath/shower.

I was going to say YABU about your original comment about it being different if it were your mum, but reading on, the issue clearly isn?t that it?s your MIL per se, but just that she?s a pure nutter. If you had a sane lovely mil like I do you would probably feel different!

eccentrica that is an interesting theory and makes sense to me. In lots of areas of life our experiences influence future behaviour. Your theory could explain why some gps kit out an entire nursery for their dgc - perhaps when they first became parents they didn't have the money to do buy all the lovely things they saw, and now they can.

I think it is worth re-stating your last sentence: 'not everyone who has PND turns into a nightmare grandma'. If anyone with PND is reading this, the last thing they need is something else to worry about, and chances are they will be lovely grannies one day.