..in not feeling comfortable with leaving my precious 5 wk old baby with MIL?!

[havingastress]

I've posted before - don't have the best relationship with the MIL..

Anyway. She is now pressurising me massively to leave our baby with her overnight (without me) and I just don't feel comfortable at all. I'm running out of ways to say No - she just will not let it lie. She also wants us to go for extended stays, when frankly I can't bear spending more than a couple of hours at their house (they have big dogs which they refuse to put away and I'm allergic to them) as I find her such bloody hard work.

If I'm honest, the only person (other than my DH) who I feel comfortable leaving her with right now is my mum. But after all, she's my mum! MIL might be my DD's granny, but I really don't know her that well and I just would never forgive myself if something happened.

So, AIBU to keep saying No to the MIL? Or is she being unreasonable expecting to spend alone time with DD and complaining that my mum gets 'better access' (her words)

and yes, realise I am probably being PFB about this too

Will take on board all comments :)

I showed this to my DH and he says no way should she expect/demand an overnight stay and to get your DH to man up, stand up to her, he is the gate keeper to your family. Our 8 week year old is snoozing next to us and we agree that other than a dire medical emergency (us not her) we wouldn't leave her with anyone. Don't let your MIL bully you. Good luck and enjoy your little one

Never left mine overnight , youngest three, just say no, i couldn't be parted sorry.

I felt forced into leaving ds1 with MIL at an early age because my mum had looked after him they said it was only fair. I wish I'd have followed my heart. Nothing ever happened to him but it definitely did not help my pnd at all and I regret allowing them to pressure me. Follow your heart, when you're ready it'll be easier

Seo

stained old loo-seat cover

hillariuos!!!!!

I have to say my MIL would be wearing a nuclear suit and having chemical showers if she had to handle a stained old loo seat cover!!

Havingastress...

I didnt mind the fact the stuff was second hand either - we got loads of stuff from freecyle, car boots , ebay BUT it was the attitude it came with - almost like i wasnt capable of getting good bargins myself and that by buying two small vests i was being extravagant and wasting money....also of course old cots might not conform to safety standards with bar width - and she did buy us a lolvey trendy expensive pram, but not " with " me - she didnt want to share that with me - knowing my own DM is not with us anymore - i thought for a number of reasons she could have offered to take me with her - as i would be using it, - then Fil went on and on and on about how he was
" saving us pennies" with this stupid basic car seat...it was a toddler one anyway!!!

Then we got given loads of rubbish from when DH cousins were babies about 19 years ago - a creaky - jerky sort of baby swing thats loud and horrid - other rubbish and THEN THEY TELL US OUR HOUSE IS FULL OF JUNK!!!and too much stuff!!!!

Again all the attitudes that we were somehow ungrateful, in capable etc etc.....

As I have said repeatedly before about MILS - if mine could have just " asked" me what we were after - what kind of thing etc.....i would have happily gone with her to track stuff down - looked on line - included her in what i was looking for - i really wanted to have that DM and DD connection that is gone for me, for us both to share the joy of this amazing thing....but that was my biggest mistake - she isnt interested - she is in competition with me - agaisnt me - not with me at all!!! There is no two way dialogue she is in control and thats it.

Have been reading through this thread and am stunned by the crazy possessiveness of the OP's MIL! In no way AYBU! I am due any day now with first DD and already cannot imagine handing her over at 5 weeks! I was appalled enough at the suggestion made by friends of my DP that we meet up in a couple of months after the birth and their MIL could look after the baby while we went out..... She may be a lovely woman, but I dont know her at all and really resent the assumption that I will be prepared to palm my dd off on just anyone, let alone someone who is a total stranger to me. I have made it quite clear to DP that this will never happen. I seem to recall as it was suggested my hands automatically started forming little claws!

Stand your ground OP, just say NO. And if she continues to insist - tell her that to be honest her obsession is really weird and creepy and the more fuss she makes the more unlikely it is that she will ever have the opportunity to look after GD. Failing that buy her one of those creepy lifelike dolls she can obsess over instead of your precious bundle.

And I've been stressing over visiting family all sitting around watching me & waiting for me to pop... I thought that was pressure enough! I think you have it worse OP, good luck!

I think mine sees herself generally as the " family buyer" thats her sort of self given role....she still expects to buy my DH clothes!!!! She tried to dress him for a funeral recently!! I had already taken a suit to the dry cleaners and hell broke loose because " she" had brought him a new suit and wanted him to wear it!!!

we are v tight on £ too - and had to stock up on some witner stuff for DD, a dressing gown, vests - knickers - socks - the next week DH went to mils and came back with a bag of exaclty the same stuff!! it was a nice gesture but it was al double - such a waste and such a shame! and yet we still need slippers - wellies and other bits....now we have tons of knickers and two dressing gowns!!

5 weeks? What is she going to do? Breastfeed the kid with her ancient, saggy, milk-free boobs?

Cripes. And big dogs slobbering around the house too.

I think you need to be honest with her - no pussy-footing about with this one. Don't cut her any slack. Or get your DP to have a stern word with her himself.

OP, have you got your 6 week check booked in some time soon?

You could always ask your GP about whether he/she thinks it's a good idea for a newborn recovering from bronchiolitis, plus her unwell , severely allergic mother, to stay in a house with dogs who shed lots of hair. It's likely that the doctor would agree that meeting in your home ( or a dog free pub in the middle ) would be better for the health of you and the baby. And if you've been medically advised to avoid MIL's house, your argument becomes stronger.

Of course, even without medical advice, you are completely reasonable in wanting to stay away from allergy-causing, large dogs.

If MIL wants to see DD, she can come to you. Sounds more like she wants to make sure DH still comes running to jump to her demands when she snaps her fingers. It seems to be all about wresting control away from you rather then genuinely wanting what's best for her grandchild.

Just had my 6 week check. Also, just got back out of hospital yesterday. Been suffering from stomach pains - turns out is all connected with nerve damage suffered from the birth ( lovely forceps and episiotomy!). Actually been physically a bit of a mess from the birth, starting to see the light now as the weeks pass by.

We skyped his mother last night. You'll all love this.

We agreed we'd skype at 8pm. We were a little late (8.15) but that was because DD bless her puked up and I had to change her. Anyways, logged on - there was DH's youngest sibling (18) who still lives at home - no sign of MIL.

We asked where she was and were told she's gone to bed! Thought sibling was lying, because obviously she's been going on and on about not seeing DD..but no! She had!

Anyway, probably unreasonable of me, but I insisted sibling went to tell her we were online as agreed. She did get out of bed, said she'd 'forgotten' about us.

Then spent the next 20 mins going on about how 'fat' baby has become (erm..8 lb 12 at 6 weeks check so hardly big!) whilst sibling kept saying 'why haven't you been bothered to come down and visit'

So..I let rip and firmly said 'Erm, no excuse me, I've just given birth, you should be making the effort to come and see the baby, I shouldn't have to be racing around the country when the baby is so small'

Sibling obviously got this opinion from MIL! So I made sure i repeated on a couple of occasions, well I am still recovering from a rather difficult birth and no, I"m still not well (DH mentioned I'd been in hospital all day and MIL didn't react at all, didn't ask what was up/how was I, just changed the subject!!!!)

There is definitely now a sense of a power struggle between myself and MIL - I'm now getting some balls and standing up to up much more firmly than I have in the past. She really really doesn't like this. I"m going to keep doing it until she gets the message.

sigh wish I could insist we won't go for the day at Christmas. DH feels torn, feels we should at least make the effort for a day, given that it's been agreed now that we are spending 3 days with my family (they live 5+ hrs away) so makes sense we can visit on the way back. She doesn't know yet that we're spending christmas with my mum - she's going to go ballistic when she finds out

Goodness. In your position I'd be sat resting on my sofa and not driving around to see everyone! Couldn't your parents come to you? All sounds a bit much in your situation. Let your MIL go ballistic. The more reasonable you are (eg. pointing out you are recovering from giving birth), the more unreasonable she will look. Well done for standing up to her!

Yes, well done! The more I hear of this woman the more I am astounded by how she is. Remember, YANBU!

bookfairy at the risk of outing myself in RL (if you know me, please don't say anything!) ......my mum had a life saving major operation the week before I was induced. Obviously fairly traumatic for her and me. She is now in recovery, and I have been down once since baby was born to both see her and so that she could see the baby.

I'm very very close to my parents. They would definitely come up here if mum was well, and at no point has mum said we have to go down for Christmas. Indeed, she actually said don't come, have a rest etc. but I want to see her, I want to cheer her up with the baby (she's been desperate for grandkids for years!)

Both my mum and dad are quietly annoyed (though far too polite to say anything out loud!) that mil has been so bloody pressurising with me, and can't believe that she'll happily travel 2 hrs in a car to pick up something for her but won't do it to come and visit! Especially given I'm still recovering.

I've seen my mum once and my MIL once since giving birth. My mother for 3 days (2 overnight, baby in with me and being dealt with by me!! ) and MIL for one day. Before we knew my mum had to have surgery, she was going to come up and stay with us for the first two weeks after DH went back to work to help me with the baby. She feels awful that she hasn't been able to support.

I think every parents different and will know when they feel comfortable for overnight stays

my mum stays a while away and takes our 3dd for the weekend when she can she works shifts

my dmil takes our 3dd 2 nights a week and dd loves this time with her my dh has very close family who enjoy taking our 3dd overnight every week usually at different times it gives me and dh a free night aweek together. Granted what works for us wouldnt suit everyone, and we never ask them to have any of our DDs. It really is down towhen you and dh are comfortable to spend some time away from you precious bundle as the baby stage goes in way to quickly

I'm sorry I don't agree with the she's DHs mum argument. When DS was small mil would quite often pass comment on my parenting and how I could do things better, I'm not saying my mum always agreed with the way I did things but I knew I could trust her to do as I asked, I couldn't trust mil as far as I could throw her and she quite often did things I'd expressly asked her not to.

Regardless of all that 5 weeks is IMO much to little for an overnight, speak to DH, decide what you both feel comfortable with and work from that

Havingastress
There's so much in your story that's similar to mine. When my baby was 6 weeks old, MIL said "That baby's very fat, are you feeding her too much? She needs to go on a diet." I told my health visitor who said it wasn't just a silly thing to say, it was actually dangerous, as babies need a layer of fat to sustain them if they get sick.

I think you need a frank discussion with mil - with dh and sibling there (over Skype so you can hang up) explain in no uncertain terms that her behaviour is out of order - she is rude to you, dismissive of you and obsessive in all the wrong ways about your dd. That her behaviour is in danger of damaging this relationship. End with - are you prepared to deal with your issues mil? and how will you do this. She should be under no illusions that if she doesn't sort it out then contact will be minimal and always supervised.

She will probably kick off - but maybe you need to just bring it all out in the open rather than power play - don't shout and stick to the facts.

Really good advice from maddening - but I don't think you should imply that if she does sort out her issues, that she will then get unsupervised contact, otherwise she will behave moderately well then demand unsupervised contact and say that you promised it.

seoladair ridiculous isn't it! I wouldn't mind, aren't babies supposed to have little double chins bless em, it's the way their head hangs forward squishing it!

Bought a baby magazine today, and every single baby in there looked like mine! So she is being stupid.

It was just her way in to ask (again) 'How much are you feeding her?'

My answer - ENOUGH!

(although she then asked again, so I said, "why are you so interested as to how many mls she's getting a day?! She's getting enough. HV and MW both delighted with her and me)

FTR This is exactly how I feel. I know if I left baby with my mum she would only feed her (for eg) the 5oz bottle. MIL would probably try and force feed her solids! (well maybe not at the minute, but given she's taken the decision to wean her own grandson at 4 months and not her daughter, I wouldn't put it past her later down the line)

She also said last night, 'Oh when you come don't forget you don't need to bring anything, I have everything and anyway, I'll be feeding and changing her when you're here'

I replied with, Well that's lovely of you to offer, but we'll be coming for the day, and we will bring our own milk and we have a changing mat. You won't need to do anything except give her a cuddle.

I may be being paranoid, but the more she says, the more I think she does want to play 'mum' ....it would be totally different if I handed her over and said yes please I'd love you to feed and change her for the next few hours, give me a rest - but to just presume I'm going to be fine with that?!

(I know i know, it's ridiculous I should let her change some pooey nappies lol but I know it means more than that to her)

It is a power struggle, but I would advise you to let the small things go, because your life will just be better that way. Let her change some dirty nappies, (and see if she wants to launder the clothes which have been soiled by exploding nappies!)

Oh bless you, what a stressful and traumatic time.

Stick to your guns and keep repeating "I am not being unreasonable" :)

Really feel for u OP....your story is so familiar to how I felt ...only it was my DM that was pressuring me not mil about most of the same sort of things.
Even now my DM says she is hurt I didn't want her to take dd out for the day at 6weeks old...she has always pressured me about 'alone time' with dd while she was a baby and it hurts me sometimes as I always wonder why it's so important not to have her own dd about to bond with her dgd.
Also my DM used to make comment about my dd's weight and I always knew it was just baby chub and now at 18 months old she is perfectly healthy and my DM was been ridiculous. DM is a heavy smoker so my dd has never stopped over at her house and this also causes arguments but I am just not comfortable with it...Infact dd has never stopped out yet as we co sleep.
I stuck to my guns but my relationship with DM has suffered...it hurts so much that she was so determined to be in control she allowed our relationship to suffer so much rather than letting me take the lead as a parent myself now.
All I can say is yanbu......I just wish it was my mil I had the problem with rather than my DM :-(
Congratulations on your baby!

YA soooo NBU!
My baby is nearly 4 months old and MIL loves having her and has looked after her on a couple of occasions for a couple of hours.
My mum had her over night for the first time and I trust her 100%. I have an older DS and as I was on my own when I had him my mum was more like a second parent to him so she knows how I like things to be done, she knows the bedtime routine etc, I just trust her and feel totally happy with leaving her with her but the mil is different.

I know it sounds stupid but I don't like the fact that before she was even born she bought a stash of stuff for her, she's got her own little drawer full of nappies, clothes etc, she's even got her own buggy for her! It was like an assumption that she's going to be looking after her all the time. I don't like the fact that we leave her for a couple of hours and when I pick her up she's in different clothes, ones which I haven't bought or ever even seen before. I know I'm probably a bit of a control freak but I just don't like it, it freaks me out a bit.

I know that eventually I'm going to have to leave her over night, well I don't have to but my DS is 3 and will still only stay at my mums over night because I would never let anybody else have him so I think it is best for them to get used to staying at different places but not just yet! Omg I'm getting all panicky just at the thought!

dinky :( It is weird isn't it though that it's exactly the same? Why oh why do they do it without a thought as to how it makes us feel?

poppy Yep, same here. I said earlier back in the thread..MIL has own room set up for 'her baby' and same as you, nappies, clothes, buggy etc! Bloody freaky if you ask me! That would totally freak me out her thinking it's ok to change her outfit - moreso because I know my own mum would never dream of changing dd's outfit unless she'd had an accident, and I know it would be the first thing she told me when I got back in (as in, oh sorry she's in different clothes but she had a little accident)..

I can see MIL just changing her for the bloody sake of it and putting her in pink

(my mum I also feel the same about as you)

So understand where you are coming from. It must be the animal instinct in us to keep our children close. It must be there for a reason as its a natural instinct! Don't go against your instincts. I can't believe they can't remember what it was like. They just seem to put their own needs before ours.

Just an example of mother's instinct. I always thought the same as you about my MIL. But of course she denied it and her family denied it so in turn made me doubt myself. She said when it looked like I might have to go back to work when DS1 was 6 months (I didn't in the end luckily) to leave him with them indefinitely. They live 4 hours away! She denied saying this afterwards (gaslighting). Fast forward a year and I saw on Gransnet that she had written 'Some children prefer their grandparents to their parents' and then used my son to illustrate her point! It was at his birthday party and I was breastfeeding DS2 every 2 hours so I wasn't spending as much time 'at the party' and so he spent alot of time with them.

Mother's instinct is there for us to protect our children and our relationship with our children above anyone else. Just think of yourself as a lioness! If you leave your baby with her I would think you would feel incredibly guilty later. Its just not worth it for someone like her. Wait until you are ready.

I definitely think its an animal instinct, I HATE it when another woman has been holding my baby and then she smells of the woman's perfume. I have to give her a bath! when MIL has changed dd's clothes she washes them and then I have to wash them again so they smell of my detergent and my house. That's just like animals rubbing their own scent on their babies.

I think in my case I know that she had wanted a little girl but got 2 boys so I think it's nice for her to have a baby girl to look after and I think most women love dressing little girls up. Maybe if we'd had a boy she wouldn't be so OTT.