..in not feeling comfortable with leaving my precious 5 wk old baby with MIL?!

[havingastress]

I've posted before - don't have the best relationship with the MIL..

Anyway. She is now pressurising me massively to leave our baby with her overnight (without me) and I just don't feel comfortable at all. I'm running out of ways to say No - she just will not let it lie. She also wants us to go for extended stays, when frankly I can't bear spending more than a couple of hours at their house (they have big dogs which they refuse to put away and I'm allergic to them) as I find her such bloody hard work.

If I'm honest, the only person (other than my DH) who I feel comfortable leaving her with right now is my mum. But after all, she's my mum! MIL might be my DD's granny, but I really don't know her that well and I just would never forgive myself if something happened.

So, AIBU to keep saying No to the MIL? Or is she being unreasonable expecting to spend alone time with DD and complaining that my mum gets 'better access' (her words)

and yes, realise I am probably being PFB about this too

Will take on board all comments :)

I also remember pink gate and name gate,I'm not certain but I think your pink thread was the only pink one that I agreed with and dint just say clothes are clothes,if I remember correctly she was intentionally buying everything pink and making snide comments when she did just to try and wind you up.

And the name thing she actually came out and said she wanted to exclude your entire family and your dh was also upset about both things?

Don't go up at Christmas there is no real reason why you have to.

Sorry haven't read all replies but in answer to your original question...no you are definitely not BU.

No, no, no, no, and no again.

sock yep, that's the one. The name thing still upsets me now. Actually, upsets me more because now I'm thinking OMG she said that when the baby was TWO days old and my hormones were raging after a 30+hr labour and stitches etc. Blood boils!

Am I correct in thinking that sometimes your dh has spoken to you about his upset about some of her more controlling and manipulative parenting failures over the time you have been together and that other people tiptoe around her and fall into line to prevent upsetting her because they can't deal with the fallout from her.

And that dh rather likes your mother has no issues with her?

I apologise if I'm mixing you up with another poster.

sock...no no that's me. DH gets on great with my mum and dad. DH's dad is lovely, I really like him, but feel sorry for him. Feel like he gets railroaded!

People like your MIL can only be managed by putting your foot down very firmly indeed. After all, what's the worst thing she can do? Even if she throws the most massive strop in the history of all strops, it has to be better in the long run because tiptoeing round her won't make her any easier to deal with. Sometimes I think that people like her need someone to take control and just refuse to play controlling games. It's like they don't have an off switch and the more they are pandered to the worse they get.

I think she doesn't like me because I will stand up to her (to some extent!) and far far more than DH will. She definitely thinks I wear the trousers in this household that's for sure. :)

Well at least she's 2 hours away

I think there's something about becoming a gran, in particular when it's their son rather than daughter who's become a parent, that turns some women into 'pushy psychopaths' as someone said above.

My MIL went nuts when my daughter was born. When my daughter was 4 DAYS old my MIL was pushing me to "go out for dinner, I'll stay here and look after her"!! She'd come into the room and tell me that the baby "has wind" when I was trying to latch her on to the boob (very very early days of breastfeeding) and would literally grab her off me and start whacking her on the back.

She (along with my FIL and my partner) got drunk and broke down about her own postnatal depression and what an awful mum she had been when her kids were babies, before running out of the room.

I ended up comforting her and reassuring her that she hadn't been a terrible mum.

She's chilled out to some extent now, but it's been a constant battle for 2+ years with her wanting my daughter to herself, wanting everyone else out of the way so that she can have the baby all to herself. Pressuring us to go out and leave the baby with her long before we were ready.

Sorry I don't have any very helpful advice beyond saying "you're not alone", as nothing has seemed to work for us, other than the passage of time. In our case, subtle hints have had no effect while anything more blatant has led to massive hurt, she is very oversensitive and reacts very badly to any perceived criticism.

However, your MIL sounds really full on and I do agree that you need to put your foot down. YANBU!

Just caught up!

OP, your MIL is about 4 miles past the line of 'fucking crazy'. I remember the original thread and see that her terrible behaviour is continuing. Stay away from her. You cannot win with her. Any attempt to pacify her will be seen as weakness. She is a bully and is intent on spoiling your early days with your child. She is out to cause trouble as she is not the centre of attention.

If your DH wants to see his mum over Xmas, suggest meeting them halfway for lunch. Whatever you do, she will be unpleasant, so minimise your time with her. Don't let her spoil your time with you gorgeous baby.

I have two sons. God I hope I'm not like this! Reading threads like this makes me resolve never to be like this!

Why do these women get so possessive? A baby needs its mother. Plenty of time for Grandma later.

I'm thinking when ds has kidsif he's moved away I'll be booking in to the local travelodge to give space while being available to do useful things around the house and hopefully get the odd squidge of newborn...

I have two sons. God I hope I'm not like this! Reading threads like this makes me resolve never to be like this!

I have 3 sons and feel the same way! But my MIL also has 3 sons and is a lovely person and great MIL, so I am not too worried - I have her good example to follow.

I have two sons and one dgd. I promise you I am not like this and neither are any of my friends who are also the mothers of sons.

Sometimes, on MN, I read things and I feel really alien to it. Like I am on a different planet. This is how i feel about this thread.
I left ds2 (and ds1) with one of my lovely sil's, when he was only 7 wks old. i had had 7 weeks of a non sleeping child at night and was past collapsing.
One if my sil's is a nurse. She is the person you would want caring for you in hospital. The other is a Sn teacher. The other is truely lovely.
I'll leave my kids with anyone , Me. But that is because i have been blessed with truely outstanding people whoo are in the top 1%.
So, I just don't 'get ' people who can't leave their children. But I do appreciate that OP's Mil is on the scale of nutter that most of us do not have to endure!

I think it would be completely U to leave a 5 week old baby for a night full stop. I left my DS2 overnight with GPs for the first time recently and he's 2.5.
But have you left your baby with your own mum? If so then your MIL has a point that you are treating them unequally - she is just as much a part of the family as your DM. If you can say honestly you are just not ready to leave her for the forseeable future then get DH to tell MIL that and the subject is then closed for discussion.

It's silly to say both grandmothers have equal "rights" to the baby - if one is more competent/trustworthy and sees the baby more often than it is obvious that they will see the baby more. Children aren't toys that you have to share equally!

Nobody has a "right" to have someone else's baby overnight. It doesn't matter whether you are the mother of the mother of the baby or the MIL.

Bakingtins "But have you left your baby with your own mum? If so then your MIL has a point that you are treating them unequally"

There is no rule that says you have to treat everyone exactly equally according to their relationship to you/your children.

You might have one sister you're very close to and another you can't stand. You might be much closer to your step-dad than your biological father.

The OP is 100% entitled to entrust the baby to her own mother more than her MIL if she so wishes. People are individuals, with specific qualities and relationships, not just abstract ideas, and a baby is a very small and vulnerable human being, not a commodity to be shared out equally.

I think you need to put your foot down about this now. Your husband also needs to learn to stand up to his mother too.

My MIL was similar, not nasty but a little bit 'sad' about it and tried to guilt trip us into letting DD stay/ go out at a v.young age. We just laughed it off 'Are you kidding, she's only two weeks old..Ha,ha,ha'.

I think in your shoes I may have found it easier to be more abrupt. You need to show this bully that you are not intimidated by her.

Said it was too far to drive unless she was staying over. (I don't think it is personally, particularly to see your new gd, but hey that's her opinion)

My dad drove over 2hrs to see me in hospital for all of 10mins (he missed most of the visiting hrs because of traffic). People who care about you make the effort.

My son's 6 weeks and my heart skipped a beat when MIL said she was going to take him to her work. Apparently one of her friends bought in her two week old grandson! DH shut that down quickly.

When he was about a week old, my mum took him out of his basket to show family on Skype while I slept. I almost had a heart attack when I woke up! Was really angry with my mum. Being a new mum with animal instincts is something few people seem to understand. Both my mum and MIL have three kids but have seemingly forgotten what being a new mum is like.

I wonder if the poster who mentioned menopause having an effect is right! MIL often refers to DS as "our baby" too. I often wonder if she'll be as interested when he's a teenager.

yanbu, my DS was 35 months and DD 19 months when I allowed them to stay at the mil's the first time, like you I don't have a great relationship with her, wouldn't have dreamt of allowing them to stay over at 5 weeks

You werent BU on your other threads and you arent now.

Of course you are wobbly about leaving her with anyone, let alone bonkers MIL. My DS is five weeks and I just went to the hairdressers for a couple of hours leaving him with DH. Its not at all that I dont trust DH, but I was very jittery about leaving him and practically ran home. Leaving him with someone I cant trust would be horrendous.

I had been a bit sad that five weeks on, we have yet to have as much as a card or a phone call from PIL (DH called them on the day), but looking at your situation has made me think twice.

My mil badgers me to leave ds with her . It's not happening ever ,not in a million years . We haven't fallen out yet but we will if he doesn't shut up!! I just say I'm sorry I'm not ready to leave him overnight and then change the subject . Stand up for yourself ( I appreciate its tricky when you are tired etc ) if not get dh to tell her .