..in not feeling comfortable with leaving my precious 5 wk old baby with MIL?!

[havingastress]

I've posted before - don't have the best relationship with the MIL..

Anyway. She is now pressurising me massively to leave our baby with her overnight (without me) and I just don't feel comfortable at all. I'm running out of ways to say No - she just will not let it lie. She also wants us to go for extended stays, when frankly I can't bear spending more than a couple of hours at their house (they have big dogs which they refuse to put away and I'm allergic to them) as I find her such bloody hard work.

If I'm honest, the only person (other than my DH) who I feel comfortable leaving her with right now is my mum. But after all, she's my mum! MIL might be my DD's granny, but I really don't know her that well and I just would never forgive myself if something happened.

So, AIBU to keep saying No to the MIL? Or is she being unreasonable expecting to spend alone time with DD and complaining that my mum gets 'better access' (her words)

and yes, realise I am probably being PFB about this too

Will take on board all comments :)

How wonderful to hear that there are sane grannys out there!! I am sure you have a brilliant relationship with your own DC as well as thier off spring....woe beditide any dils who complain about you - they dont know how lukcy they are!!

Op - dont waver - dont dilly dally or be wishy washy.

very clear " no, its not right for us or me - her mother right now"

end of.

good luck!!

seoladiair - i remeber you !! BRILLIANT that you can all get on - you had that painful volcanoe part but it seems that now you are on the other side it was worth it all round and i bet she reallly respects you too for standing your ground.

I was thinking how lovely these grannies are - my Mum is a granny like that - VERY tactful, adores her Dgcs but never overbearing - and I hope to be one like that, too!

I'm going to reply to Elizaregina but hopefully without thread hijacking, as I think my story is quite relevant to the OP.
Yes, I stood my ground, without ever saying anything she could throw back at me (although I said some quite strong things to poor old DH!). I was always polite to her.
I haven't stayed at their house overnight since the meltdown, though we will be spending 2 nights there after Xmas. We have been to their house for dinner a couple of times, and they have been to our flat. I much prefer short visits - she doesn't have time to get too overbearing, and I can cope better.
The other thing I have noticed is that she is much much less bossy when she is at our place. I think she is territorial, and has to feel she is in charge when she is at home. So the suggestion made by Fish that your MIL might come to yours now and again might be a good one - although this might not work for everyone!
She has realised that everyone is happier if we all get on, so she has made a big effort. I think the meltdown helped us to get to this point, but it's a rather drastic strategy that I wouldn't really recommend!
Best of luck.

seoldair I can relate to how you think she's territorial at her own house ie. giving her more control.

My MIL is now throwing a strop (she does this everytime I do put my foot down about something) because DH has now said repeatedly, No we have no need to stay over and won't be staying over - and has now not rung/spoken to DH in the last 3 days. Her latest was telling DH I was obviously feeding daughter incorrectly if she has reflux and she would 'take baby off my hands' when we visit and show me how to do it properly.

I'm now trying to work out how the hell I will keep hold of DD the whole way through the visit!! obviously realise I can't do this and it would be mean to not let her hold her own gd but this is how she makes me feel

Actually suits me just fine ..although I realise it won't last and she'll be back to her nagging/annoying ways very soon given Christmas is round the corner and she'll be wanting to bully us to stay longer than we want to.

Yanbu!!!! Op I feel so sorry for you!please ensure dh helps you with this and deals with mil so you can bond and rest with dd. In my case I had to stop answering the phone in case it was crazy mil and another attempt to make me leave dd with her.stand your ground but be polite, try to distance yourself and eventually she will get the hint...

And look after yourself!

Can you get a sling? Reflux babies often like being carried in a sling. A wrap around stretchy Moby wrap or similar is good and then she won't be able to grab baby because she will be strapped to you, semi upright which is good for reflux!

Look on YouTube for how to tie a Moby wrap videos.
She sounds a pain, keep being a tigress.

YANBU. Even my own mother didn't have mine overnight until about 3-4 years. Didn't leave young baby unless had hospital etc. Don't let her pressure you. She can see the baby with you. And don't do extended visits either. Just say she is welcome to see baby with you there but not on own till you are ready. Keep repeating as needed.

here you go

So throwing a strop = not calling DH for three days? Sounds like you need to put your foot down more often and benefit from the strops!

Seriously, how often does she normally call him? Because more than every three days seems like a lot.

Babywear.

Sorry, I could be clearer, wear the baby in a sling

My MIL is totally domineering in her house too - why do all these problem MILS sound the same!!

Have they all been to Horrid MIL training camp????

A friend said to me - my mils house stuff is about " attention" - her bossyness is just a way of diverting attention to herself....

Instead of just letting people " be" in her house - its " dont touch this - dont step on that - SHOES OFF....your doing this to my house - your doing that...."

A friend said - its attention seeking behaviour - as well as control freakness.

I couldnt bear to go there for a good six months before fell preggers - then decided to give it all another shot for everyones sake - then as you say having a stress....she went mad getting stuff - the most basic cheap crappy wrong size car seat - they had brought on cheap for visitng friends - a second hand cot - very old - from a neighbour etc - offered to get a pram but not with me!!!! With her own mother abroad!!!!

Was very very negative when I brought the smallest things - like some nice body suits...kept telling me " I" shouldnt buy......

Told me i should buy a cellular blanket because she had already brought us a blanket ( thin cotton for summer!!!!NOT cellular!!)..

Then after the baby was born she totally freaked out - went MAD...whilst i was in hospital rearranged the whole house!!! Threw things out - moved stuff - made rude comments about my cleaning!!!

I used to think DD would benefit from seeing them - but years on I have to ask myself - why am I letting her go there - to a house that has driven DH nearly mad - me mad - alone?

Having - the dog thing really is a gift from god - use it! Say your allergy has got alot worse - MUST be the hormones- cant possibly risk it!!!

so rude and nasty and selfish.....not to even ask how you are for goodness sake -

I always think - do unto others as you would have done to yourself -

ask yourself what you would have to think of your DIL or even SIL to treat them like this!

I think your being very very kind about all this - she is treating you with such utter contempt and like total shit....

Incidently, I gave birth on the Weds and she was insisting on coming to stay for 4 (!!) days commencing on the Friday so that she could 'bond' with her GD. I just couldn't stand the thought (milk would just be in, long difficult labour, forceps, episiotomy, in pain etc).....DH put his foot down and said no, but please do come and visit and see the baby whilst we're in hospital and she point blank refused and got a massive strop on!!

OMFG. Run. To. The. Hills.

take the baby off your hands and show you how to do it properly

Keep away from her till she's learnt how to respect some boundaries.

you are being a inconsistent and unfair allowing your Baby to stay with your DM but not your DMIL, however, I would be unhappy to leave a baby in a house with 'big dogs'.

CaHo, the baby has not stayed overnight with DM, just for two hours inday while OP had hair cut. In any case the baby is not a doll to be shared out with GPs taking turns to have a go. The new mother and new baby come as a package in the early days and should be cared for supportively by the family with respect and love. There is precious little respect and support from one family member - MIL - who is instead upsetting the mother with unreasonable and selfish demands that are upsetting to the mother and hence upsetting to the baby too.

CaHo
Schnapps took the words out of my mouth, almost exactly. I was going to say "a baby is not a commodity to be parcelled out equally." Grandparents do not have automatic rights over a child. If they can't be nice to the mother, then they shouldn't expect to be regarded as a positive influence on the child.

Don't talk daft! Inconsistent!! It's a baby, not a cake to share out evenly! OP doesn't have to leave her baby with anyone she isn't comfortable with. If her mother is the only person she trusts, then that's fair enough! My mil could also be a nightmare. She also could also have bleated about it not being fair that my mum got to have him and she didn't! Mil is a smoking, housework shy, smelly dog owner with alcoholic tendencies. My mother isn't!

eliza I think your MIL and mine went to the same finishing school that's for sure! Almost identical story really! My MIL told us to take our brand new playmat back because she'd already bought one for 'her baby' and we therefore didn't need ours! (i actually screamed 'NO! You take YOURS back!! but then I was a few days before being induced due to OC and rather hormonal lol)

She buys all sorts and has not once checked before buying if it's ok/we need it/we would like her to buy it - basically wants DD to have all stuff she wants rather than what I would like. Most of it is bought off car boots/second hand which perse I don't have an issue with (all the clothes I've bought DD have been second hand off ebay because we are skint) but she buys CRAP! I, at least, buy decent stuff just at a cheap price! (e.g my gorgeous John Lewis £300 cot for £32!!)

Not looking forward to seeing just how much crapshe has bought for 'her baby' for Christmas. She has already hinted. Much as I realise I should be grateful that she wants to spoil her GD I really don't think she takes into account our feelings at all (for eg where the hell we will be expected to keep all this stuff which the baby doesn't need/appreciate/even know she's got it!)

Dog allergy - you're right. TBH it's pretty bad anyways, but I'm willing to suck it up just for one day so I don't look like the bitch unreasonable DIL she thinks I am..but I think it will have to have got significantly worse so that we can only stay the 6 hrs or so!!

schnapps thanks for the idea, will have a look at the link. Could be a godsend.

Interesting. The same issues crop up again and again with the bad MILs.

Our meltdown was kicked off because of MIL foisting nasty looking second-hand things on us inc. old car seat and stained old loo-seat cover and potty.

MIL also talks about "my baby" and "my precious" which is a bit irritating but not worth arguing about.

We have also had issues with the dog, but they have finally got the message, and are much more vigilant around the dog now, thank goodness.

It was all quite tense for the first year but I think things have settled down satisfactorily for everyone now. PILs have finally understood that DH and I are in charge, even when we visit them. Crucially, they have understood that if they are disrespectful to me, they will see less of their GD. I want everyone to get on, so it's a huge relief that MIL is now being less domineering.

However, I don't blur the boundaries - his daddy is my child. I had my turn of nursing my babies, seeing them through sleepless nights and rearing them to adulthood. I enjoyed it hugely, but I have no desire to start again - and while I adore my grandson, I wave him off happily at the end of the day. I suspect that many grandmothers want to play mummy again with their grandchildren - I'd nip any sign of this in the bud.

I second this. I adore my dgd and feel very privileged to have spent so much time over the last nearly 2 years watching her grow from a tiny baby into an increasingly independent (and very conversational!) little girl. But I take my lead from her parents because they are her parents. Not me. Instead, I have the joy of grandparenthood which brings its own huge delights. There's truly nothing to beat a beaming welcome, a kiss and an "Uv Yoo, Nanny!" to make your day.

I don't believe that grandparents should be delegated into first and second class depending on whether they are paternal or maternal but I do believe that every parent should make their own decisions about who looks after their child and when.

I also know that while I'm always happy to childmind or babysit, you really don't have quite the stamina you had back in the days when you had a baby. Something I was reminded of when pushing a sleepy toddler up a very steep hill in her buggy. 30 years ago I could positively fly up those hills!

OP, I just wanted to add my sympathies and a resounding YANBU. Also, I'd second what Schnapps said about the sling: my DS had horrible reflux when he was little and a sling was a godsend. We used a Moby first, then a Manduca which I still use occasionally now (he's nearly 2!). They made all our lives so much better!

Good luck, and stick to your guns.

"Not looking forward to seeing just how much crap she has bought for 'her baby' for Christmas. She has already hinted. Much as I realise I should be grateful that she wants to spoil her GD I really don't think she takes into account our feelings at all (for eg where the hell we will be expected to keep all this stuff which the baby doesn't need/appreciate/even know she's got it!)"

So just don't keep it! Donate if it's good enough, ditch if it isn't. And feel no guilt. She doesn't.

Pandemoniaa
I agree with every word!