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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL and DH have effed up xmas

121 replies

Clate · 10/12/2012 14:31

Arrrrrgh yet another MIL rant.

MIL's work means that sometimes she is very flush and sometimes she's really hard up. Back when you could self-certify for mortgages she got in way over her head and although she's nearing retirement age she's in a precarious situation financially. But the sums her work commands are very high.

When I met DH he had taken out a loan in his name for MIL (she did pay it back but couldn't get it in her own name). When we had DCs I did put my foot down and say that couldn't happen again but over the years we have helped MIL out (she has always paid it back).

MIL has always been very generous. For example she let friends live rent-free in one of her properties for two years. She has bought the DCs lovely things over the years and she is the first to help out a friend in need. Unfortunately when she hit this difficult patch and mortgage lending tightened up and property prices went down she couldn't help people out so much and lost a lot of 'friends'. Of course I am furious on her behalf.

But there's this pattern where she over-promises. She made a big deal about paying for a specific venue for our wedding and then when it was too late to cancel said she didn't have the money. So we paid - not the end of the world but it's not what we would've chosen if we'd known we were paying for it ourselves.

And she has insisted on buying the DCs 'big ticket' items for xmas - a kindle fire for DS1, an xbox as a shared present - but actually we paid for them, she said she would pay us back. And she hasn't despite prompting from DH.

She owes us over £1000 now and with xmas coming up it's money we really need. She just sent us what she and FIL and BIL want for xmas, and ideas for DH's grandma, and we can't afford it (£100 cashmere jumper which we would normally love to get). Because we need her to pay us back!

DH feels he can't 'go on about it' because she is so stressed. He tried to bring it up and she said "just email me how much it is and I'll sort it" and that was a fortnight ago.

I am SO annoyed at DH and MIL and it's going to cast a massive pall over xmas. I can't even get my own parents the present they asked for.

OP posts:
gymboywalton · 10/12/2012 14:34

you are all spending far too much
this isn't what christmas is all about! who the fuck asks for a 100 pound bloody jumper for christmas?
why do the kids need a kindle AND an x box for christmas?

i think your mil is out of order for not paying back money she owes but it sounds like you are ALL doing too much spending !

GuffSnatcher · 10/12/2012 14:38

RETURN THE PRESENTS.

It really is that simple. Just let her sort out her own presents and you won't get into this mess and yes agree with gymboy you are spending way too much. Get each other small nice things.

Sorry this has happened though Sad

FestiveWench · 10/12/2012 14:40

If she hasn't given you to the money for the expensive gifts then send them back.

Journey · 10/12/2012 14:41

Agree with gymboywalton.

If you're buying the presents on the basis that your MIL will be paying for them then either by them yourself if you can afford it, or wait until your MIL gives you the money to buy them. Surely you've learnt after the wedding incident that your MIL doesn't always give you the money she promises you.

Keep within your budget and any money she gives you is a bonus. That way you can't be disappointed.

DontmindifIdo · 10/12/2012 14:42

Return the gifts - tell her that you've not been able to afford them but you are knocking that off what she owes you.

Talk to your DH about not lending money to his mother you can't afford to be without. So if she wants to buy big ticket items, let her, but for next year, she physically goes out and gets them, never buy something in her name, let her do it. Then if she doesn't, at least you're not out of pocket, or if you do buy them, you get the credit for the gits you've paid for!

She sounds over generous and expects everyone else to be the same. You cant live like that. Your DH needs to see his mother's attitude to money is unhealthy. She's tried to buy her friends, she's trying to 'buy' her GCs, don't enable it.

Mollydoggerson · 10/12/2012 14:42

Just tell her this year we are having a non-commercial Christmas, so will be giving home made biscuits.

It all sounds very co-dependant. I think you need to set firmer boundaries, in a nice way.

These wish lists are quite rude.

GuffSnatcher · 10/12/2012 14:44

I agree that you are enabling the MIL's behaviour and are in this endless cycle of being owed money and being out of pocket. You need to sit down with DH and ensure it stops but never buying or committing on her behalf and being honest with her about why.

JeezyOrangePips · 10/12/2012 14:45

If you can't afford to buy things on her behalf, then don't. It's that simple.

I agree with the others, return the Xbox and the Kindle Fire, and then you can buy gifts for family with the money. And let her buy something that she can afford with her own money.

chrismissymoomoomee · 10/12/2012 14:45

Never a borrower nor a lender be, as the saying goes.

Never lend more than you can afford to lose, is another good one.

I can't believe that adults are all sending each other present lists for xmas though, thats silly behaviour. I tell any grown ups I buy for to wait until January when the sales are on (even then I wouldn't be asking for a £100 jumper).

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 10/12/2012 14:48

Get a refund on the presents and spend what you can afford on what you want to buy your loved ones.

gwenniebee · 10/12/2012 14:52

Wow - I'm afraid I agree that you are all over-spending. If she hasn't the money immediately to buy your DCs those expensive gifts, then she isn't in a situation to promise them - and actually you are pressurising her by getting them anyway and expecting her to pay you back. I'm sorry for your situation because it's always awkward when money and family are involved, but you all need to stop being quite so materialist, it seems to me!

I have a "Christmas List" - it's helpful for my MIL etc as they want to get me things I want, which is nice. It has on it a pudding basin and a pie dish Xmas Hmm.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 10/12/2012 14:55

If you cannot afford to be £1000 out of pocket, then you cannot afford the kinds of gifts that you are talking about.

Return the things you have bought and start again.

Original poster
Clate · 10/12/2012 15:03

Okay! Good idea. Thanks.

It is totally normal to get/give £100-value to the other adults in the family though. Is it really that unusual?

My mum asks for Eve Lom stuff and MIL once got me a le creuset casserole - it didn't seem massively disproportionate.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clate · 10/12/2012 15:05

We could afford to be out of pocket if DH had been straight about things but I do not want to drip feed. I am annoyed with him for going along with the fiction that MIL can afford the things and for myself for joining in!

It is just difficult to explain to the DCs as it could well be that in 2 months she can afford twenty xboxes iykwim.

OP posts:
JeezyOrangePips · 10/12/2012 15:07

I would spend £100 on my partner or my child. More, even. But not on other family members, unless it was a one-off for something very special.

Especially not if money was an issue, which it seems to be.

Whatdoiknowanyway · 10/12/2012 15:07

Definitely unusual here. £20 max for adults and for Aunty/uncle presents to younger generation.

Original poster
Clate · 10/12/2012 15:07

And MIL bought a friend of hers a washing machine. And flew someone else to Spain to see their grandchild. She's always been generous.

OP posts:
LoopsInHoops · 10/12/2012 15:07

Adults - tenner, maybe 20. Not a hundred pounds.

Mollydoggerson · 10/12/2012 15:08

Clate we used to spend crazy amounts on family pre-children. We then realised it was just expensive clutter, and I told my siblings I was limiting each sibling (and their significant others hubby/kids) total family spend to ?50 each and I expected the same in return. While I was accused of being mean at the start, I think everyone is happier with it now.

BTW I spent ?21 on my mum and ?40 ish on my dad, and I know the gifts will be as happily recieved as any that cost 5 or 10 times that amount. Spending more does not mean more love, just more stuff.

Original poster
Clate · 10/12/2012 15:08

Perhaps it's because we are both from small families?

OP posts:
JeezyOrangePips · 10/12/2012 15:09

Your mil needs to start budgeting, and keeping money when she gets it for times when she doesn't.

There's no reason why she couldn't have paid for Xmas the last time she got money through. It's not like the date is a suprise.

Paiviaso · 10/12/2012 15:10

It is totally normal to get/give £100-value to the other adults in the family though. Is it really that unusual?

I think this is realllly generous. Gifts exchange in my family and DP family is about £20-30 per gift. The two sets of parents tend to splurge a bit more, but everyone else is about that range.

LoopsInHoops · 10/12/2012 15:10

That's not generous, it's stupid if you can't afford it.

Original poster
Clate · 10/12/2012 15:10

Molly totally agree it's the thought that counts and my present to DH is £15 and I know he will LOVE it. Don't buy for my sister/BIL (get their dog something though!).

But my mum asks for something fairly expensive (my dad doesn't) - and MIL/FIL/BIL/DH's grandma... it's just what has always been done. They say what they want and we get it.

OP posts:
JeezyOrangePips · 10/12/2012 15:11

I'll bet you my family is smaller, and we don't spend that amount.