MIL and DH have effed up xmas

[Clate]

Arrrrrgh yet another MIL rant.

MIL's work means that sometimes she is very flush and sometimes she's really hard up. Back when you could self-certify for mortgages she got in way over her head and although she's nearing retirement age she's in a precarious situation financially. But the sums her work commands are very high.

When I met DH he had taken out a loan in his name for MIL (she did pay it back but couldn't get it in her own name). When we had DCs I did put my foot down and say that couldn't happen again but over the years we have helped MIL out (she has always paid it back).

MIL has always been very generous. For example she let friends live rent-free in one of her properties for two years. She has bought the DCs lovely things over the years and she is the first to help out a friend in need. Unfortunately when she hit this difficult patch and mortgage lending tightened up and property prices went down she couldn't help people out so much and lost a lot of 'friends'. Of course I am furious on her behalf.

But there's this pattern where she over-promises. She made a big deal about paying for a specific venue for our wedding and then when it was too late to cancel said she didn't have the money. So we paid - not the end of the world but it's not what we would've chosen if we'd known we were paying for it ourselves.

And she has insisted on buying the DCs 'big ticket' items for xmas - a kindle fire for DS1, an xbox as a shared present - but actually we paid for them, she said she would pay us back. And she hasn't despite prompting from DH.

She owes us over £1000 now and with xmas coming up it's money we really need. She just sent us what she and FIL and BIL want for xmas, and ideas for DH's grandma, and we can't afford it (£100 cashmere jumper which we would normally love to get). Because we need her to pay us back!

DH feels he can't 'go on about it' because she is so stressed. He tried to bring it up and she said "just email me how much it is and I'll sort it" and that was a fortnight ago.

I am SO annoyed at DH and MIL and it's going to cast a massive pall over xmas. I can't even get my own parents the present they asked for.

Where does your FIL fit in in all of this? What does he think, or is he the type to just let MIL to do what she wants WRT presents?

You are shitting me? A Barbour coat for someone else's dog? Really?

PS It is so messed-up that adults are getting more spent on them than the children (not that the children need loads spending on them, but YKWIM). And as for buying anything for the dog, beyond maybe a cheap squeaky toy - INSANITY! Your families seem to be financially incontinent!

FIL is awful with money and nearly went bankrupt due to unpaid taxes.

Yes, I'm not surprised.

You will too if you don't stop buying designer crap for other peoples' dogs.

Will return the Xbox and kindle.

PLEASE don't shout at me about the dog.

Oh to be a fly on the wall, they sound hilarious, do they live in a castle that they can't manage?

Not shouting. But seriously. This is insane.

The dog gets more than your DH - re-evaluation time!

We are all buying each other £10/15 presents this year, and we've had loads of fun finding stuff.

DCs get small presents but you spend £100 on adults that can afford to buy their own ... and they request their own presents?!?

Sorry - I don't get it!

We spend £100 (bit more when you factor in stockings) on the DCs, then £10-20 per adult on something we think they'd like. And that is only parents and siblings ... in fact DH and his siblings agreed to not give gifts any more unless actually spending xmas day together. Buy gifts for god children, plus nieces/nephews ... again around £15 max.

Parents this year are getting theatre tickets as know they don't want more stuff so thought this would be good alternative.

And if in a couple of months she can buy 20 xboxes, then ask her to save some of the money she would have spent on the DCs for their future. Then they will have some secure income rather than the feast/famine of your DH's upbringing!

If you rmil can earn half a million pounds a year then why hasnt she got a significant amount of savings? seriously stop being so materialistic the lot of you....

Oh, what a situation!

Well if you can afford to give your kids the X box and Kindle Fire from you, do that! Tell your IL's to bog off until they pay you back! Don't lend them any more money and don't buy anything from them until they give you the money in future.

And it is a provincial town theatre ... not west end!!

PLEASE will no-one think of the dog's happiness!?

Just imagine his poor sad face when he unwraps his present and it isn't a dog barbour, but some crappy doggie stocking from wilkos instead!

She bought property which has lost value.

We can't say the xbox is from us - well we could, DH would never though. MIL would make a huge fuss and she's with us for xmas.

Ok, just to give you some perspective. I am spending about £30 on my dad (bottle of something, fancy cheese, random personal interest thing) £20-30 on my mum, £20 on my BIL and £30-40 on my sister. Spent A LOT on DH, about £200. There's no expectation of a certain (especially a high) amount being spent on each person though. I am also giving home made foods. Oh, and we don't buy gifts for pets! That's the funniest thing i've heard in a while!

Agree with those who say - take the xbox and kindle back! She can't afford them so she can't give them. If she saved her money when she was flush then she wouldn't have this problem, but that's her issue not yours.

wishing my parents and the ILs give the DCs so much it would be ridiculous if we got them loads of stuff too. ILs and my parents better off than us, so it makes sense? Well it did... clearly I am very odd.

How old are your DCs?

Send the presents back and tell her why. As others have said Christmas isn't some sort of surprise event, she should manage her money better.

£100 per adult is very generous. We spend about £20-30 per adult. There are seven adults to buy for, three of whom also have December birthdays (ouch).

Let me get this straight:

MIL 100
FIL 100
BIL 100
DM 70
DF 20
DSis 0
DBIL 0
DSis's dog 30
DH 15
Kids something small

??? This is really odd.

DCs are 13, 11 and 7

I am fairly sure that if we didn't get the dog a present, the DCs wouldn't get anything from DSIS and BIL. DSIS sees them as equivalent.

your in laws aren't better off then you OP, the are deluded though.

No I get it. My dad would buy them loads and it was just waaaaay too much stuff. This year they asked me for one specific idea (mine are 6 and 10), and then they're going to give them some cash. They don't need to do that either tbh.

They just get so much these days don't they ... when really I think they'd be happy with half the amount and the rest banked so they can buy a car or whatever when they're older!!

My parents/in-laws know not to be too generous at it would overshadow the Santa gifts/the parents entitlement to be the big givers to their children during the xmas holidays.

I think your MIL is forcing you to act in a certain way, forcing herself to have all the limelight of being the generous one and everyone else has to dance to her tune. Why should everyone do this. She sounds a bit narcissitic.

It's up to you to set the boundaries you are happy with.