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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask not very close friends if I can borrow their house

226 replies

agnesf · 07/12/2012 08:01

DP's brother and family want to come and stay over Xmas (they have to travel north and we are the logical stopping off point). We have major building work going on and half our house is out of action so it will be quite a squeeze (3 bedrooms/ 1 living room floor/ no operational shower - 10 people).

We have lived here for a couple of years and have made some friends but none that I would call particularly close. (We've been out for dinner a couple of times type friends).

Brother and family would probably be ok to stay in hotel (they did this before when we first moved) but I feel bad about that and know that if it had happened where I used to live I could have asked friends if I could borrow their houses for a night for family to sleep in if they were away over Xmas. Obviously we would provide bedding etc/ tidy up/ give them a present to sya thank you etc.

But I'm not sure if it would be appropriate now as friends don't feel close enough. WIBU to ask - how would you feel if a not close friend asked you for such a favour

OP posts:
Original poster
agnesf · 07/12/2012 12:43

But can't we just use our own sheets? Take theirs off, put ours on, take ours off, put theirs on?

(Hurries off to find own stopcock ...Xmas Grin)

OP posts:
GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr · 07/12/2012 12:47

Strictly speaking your brother is not coming to visit you, they are visiting somewhere else and just need a place to break the journey, and 10 miles from your house is not really that long.

You honestly cannot ask this. And nobody will take the hint if you start dropping them, it will just seem that you are choosing odd topics of conversation. Nobody would think that anyone in their right minds would suggest that they offer up their closed up home for strangers to sleep in, involving more strangers traipsing in and out with linen, and stuff. It is absurd.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/12/2012 12:47

agnesf, you've so far avoided answering why you would rather ask not-close friends to accommodate your BIL&family, rather than tell BIL it'll be a squash (or to suggest a hotel).

What happened that makes you so determined " not to appear inhospitable" ?
[nosey emoticon]

nipersvest · 07/12/2012 12:48

agnes - this thread is now purely hypothetical, the ins and outs of doing this are irrelevant. the crux of it is should you ask, most replies on this thread say no.

so, now what?, are you still intending on asking?

is it just the one night?, if it is, i'd just cope with the squeeze and have them stay with you.

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr · 07/12/2012 12:48

You just dont get it. I think you will have to resign your self to that. Grin

AndBingoWasHisNameOh · 07/12/2012 12:49

The only class of people I can think of that wouldn?t find this horrifying would be those who regularly have people they don?t really know. For example some of the people I know who come from Australia and New Zealand seem not to mind having hoardes of people from ?back home? they don?t know through their home ? friends of family members etc. So they might be more relaxed but most British people I know would be horrified to be asked.

DontmindifIdo · 07/12/2012 12:49

You could, I still would want a stranger seeing my bedding to see clean, and I would want to change it when I got back if I wasn't 100% certain they had changed it. Remember, they don't know your family.

But the bit that would take the big time is the full clean of the whole house, the scrubbing of the bathroom, the tidying away of any clutter, I would need to do this if someone else was in our house, even if they were there for only a few hours. It's a lot of hassle, just at the point you are packing and organising your own Christmas trip.

I also would expect to come back to a spotless house if I left a spotless house.

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr · 07/12/2012 12:50

To be frank, you appear very inhospitable in that you would rather go through the embarrassment of inconveniencing acquaintances than putting up your family yourself!

Adversecalendar · 07/12/2012 12:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontmindifIdo · 07/12/2012 12:56

But what am I saying, I would do all this for family, but for a relative of a friend? Not a hope in hell, I'd say no, then distance myself from you for obviously having no normal boundaries.

You don't seem to see the amount of hassle and worry you are going to put someone through in order to save your family the cost of a B&B and a drive - which is why any sane person who's not a complete doormat will say no, and if they say yes, it's because they are a complete people pleaser, and you will ruin the last day before they go off on their holiday while they run round getting everything ready for your family - and when they explain this to any other mutual friends they'll think your a right cheeky cow for taking advantage of people pleaser.

(and go on, are you one of those who's house is "show home standard" and "guest ready" at all times?)

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr · 07/12/2012 12:56

My sister let our uncle and his girlfriend stay in her house in Spain when she spent Christmas in Norway. She came back to a dirty flat, a sky high phone bill as he had been nattering with his family in Norway, and she with her family in Greece. He had not paid the cleaning lady, as agreed, so my sister had to pay her herself. They had eaten all the food she had in her freezer!! And the girlfriend had stolen clothes from my sister. Angry It took a while for my sister to realize that several blouses and scarves were missing.

She invoiced our uncle though, and he paid.

He is a lawyer, and in turn he invoiced my parents for legal work he had not done. In fact, his invoice was 4 times as high as my sisters invoice to him for his phone calls and the cleaning lady!

He cant understand why my sister wont let him borrow her house again, still! Shock

crookedcrock · 07/12/2012 13:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SomethingProfound · 07/12/2012 13:02

Angesf - why are you so unwilling to accept that the majority of posters think YABU?

When you do ask (and I think you will) these not very close friends, if they say no will you bombard them with "but it will just be for sleeping" "we will change the bed sheets" or will you accept that they do not want strangers in their home?

Why can't you all just bunk in? Adults upstairs give the children a slumber party on the living room floor. As for not having a working shower, you (I hope) have managed to over come this obstacle so surly it's not that bigger issue.

IMO I think you just don't want your DP's relatives to stay.

Adversecalendar · 07/12/2012 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
agnesf · 07/12/2012 13:08

In answer to all of the recent posts - I don't really want to say no mainly because I want to help out my BIL & we want to see them & partly because for private reasons last Xmas arrangements went pear shaped and I'd like to make amends.

I had the idea because where we used to llive this would not have been a problem for me - I had friends relatives stay at my house and my relatives stayed at their houses and my friends would have known they could say no if it wasn't conveninent.

I would be happy to help out any of the less close friends I have now if they were in my situation. I wouldn't feel the need to clean the house from top to bottom, hide my wine etc.

The B&B/ hotel options are not cheap or convenient.

However clearly lots of people don't think like me so its a good thing I posted on here.

I've decided to ask around my not close friends about B&Bs. Thanks ladies for all your views - Merry Xmas

OP posts:
worsestershiresauce · 07/12/2012 13:10

I'd lend the spare rooms to a neighbour's guests if I was at home. I wouldn't hand the keys over to a complete stranger. I'd need to know someone very well, and trust them, to allow them free run of my house.

It isn't costless either, especially at this time of year - heating and hot water cost money. I never have the thermostat above 15, and only run the heat in the evening, as it is a big old barn of a house and the bills to keep it at the 20 odd degrees that most people like would cripple us. Visitors really don't appreciate that, even when we are here. I've had guests ask me to leave the heat on all night before.

Pay for a hotel or a B&B. It is a bit entitled (I finally got to use this Grin) to assume other people will be happy to sort out your family's accommodation, gratis.

Or, offer to pay....

dexter73 · 07/12/2012 13:10

I'm dying to know about the Christmas arrangements that went pear-shaped!! Xmas Grin

ClippedPhoenix · 07/12/2012 13:19

I'd much rather stay in a hotel than someone elses house, blimey, especially if I didn't know them. Maybe with the best intentions here OP but you sound rather cheeky.

Offer to pay half the hotel.

Original poster
agnesf · 07/12/2012 13:20

Not tellin' dexter Xmas Wink

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 07/12/2012 13:21

" I want to help out my BIL & we want to see them & partly because for private reasons last Xmas arrangements went pear shaped and I'd like to make amends."
So why not all squish into your house? They can't but see that you are in the middle of major work and that you are doing your best for them.

bellarose2011 · 07/12/2012 13:21

Don't you think that for the sake of your BIL being able to stay in a more homely place its a lot to ask of someone?
I would definitely give the house a deep clean before and afterwards, all so they don't have to spend one night in a BnB?
And there are soooo many things i would worry about if strangers were in my house and i wasn't there.
TBH i don't think anyone is going to say yes anyway. And if you started talking about BnBs i wouldn't in a million years think you were hinting for me to offer my house up!
Also would your in laws even be happy to go and stay in a strangers house? if you said that to me i would say don't worry we will book a BnB.
I would be worried myself about the kids breaking things or spilling something on the carpet.

dexter73 · 07/12/2012 13:23

Why don't you stay at a hotel/b&b and let our BIL stay at your house?

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr · 07/12/2012 13:24

But you are not making amends, you are pushing your problem over to other people!

If you want to make amends, put them up with a smile, and a lovely supper, and some wine!

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr · 07/12/2012 13:26

All the 4 kids could have a sleepover slumber party with your children in their room, however squashed. The adults could take your bed, (possibly with one more child on the floor by the bed) And you and your dh take the living room.

It will be fun! Show some goodwill and Christmas spirit yourself, and not just expect strangers to put up your family when you find it too inconvenient for yourself!

scarletforya · 07/12/2012 13:30

YABVU Shock

Where would the people whose house it is go? A hotel/B&B ? Who would pay?

Also, sorry but if you're so adament you want to make it up to them, fork out for the hotel yourself and stop trying to make your problem someone else's problem!

I can't believe you think by mentioning it to these aquaintances that they will offer you their house? That is a BARMY expectation. Confused

Sorry, but you did ask.