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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be happy for a photo of your child dressed

312 replies

Mosman · 05/12/2012 14:30

In a crop top, aged 11 to be circulated on the Internet ?
I'm fcuking fuming just not sure how to handle this.
When we joined the school I was given a form asking for a signature to authorise the children to be photographed. We declined. That as far as I'm concerned should have been the end of the matter.
Except this morning I get a phone to make sure I understand the implications of my child not bring photographed, I say that I do, I am told that she the teacher will explain to my child that she needs to ask mum if she questions why she cannot be photographed. Fine I say.
When the children arrive back into the classroom from assembly the teacher stands up in front of the class and announced that Dd is the only one who cannot have her picture taken, that she may not be able to join the school band or choir because of this.
Later on in the day I received the school newsletter via email displaying DD's classmates performing a dance wearing cropped tops, midriffs on display, confirming everything I was concerned about.
How do I handle this effectively and get a satisfactory outcome ?

OP posts:
Kendodd · 05/12/2012 16:27

"She can have her photo taken by people who's judgement I trust"

This is completely unenforceable unless you never allow her out in public. How many times do you think she appeared on CCTV today?

WileywithSageStuffing · 05/12/2012 16:28

You don't know they are empty yet though.... as others have said there may be times where choirs perform and people take photographs. These may well be put on the Internet.

Presumably because of your views you will have to tell your DD she can't be in the choir. That's sad for her if that turns out to be the case.

I can understand why for some children it is imperative that they are not photographed. This is not really the case for your DD. you are adamant she doesn't care about not being photographed so why all the fuss about everyone knowing?

Bathsheba · 05/12/2012 16:29

See, I can see various reasons for a parent to not want their photo taken...

Have you moved her schools due to bullying or similar - could it be that you don't want the bullies to "find" her...

Does she have bodily self esteem issues - I have always been HUGE and I would have loved my Mum to say no photos of me...??

Maybe if you go into the actual reasons you don't want her to be photographed then you might get a bit more sympathy...

Original poster
Mosman · 05/12/2012 16:30

She hasn't been on CCTV in her swimsuit though I do know that to be a fact.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 05/12/2012 16:31

bath, she has already said it is because she doesn't trust the schools judgement because they have photos of children in their swimsuits on their website.

greenbananas · 05/12/2012 16:32

Sorry if I've missed this, OP, but are you Muslim? Lots of Muslim parents where I live, and they would be horrified at pictures of their 11 year old daughters wearing crop tops and swimming costumes being circulated in the school newsletter. I'm pretty sure that our local schools would not dream of doing this.

Some children are not allowed to be in photographs for good safety reasons (as a foster carer has already pointed out earlier in this thread). I once looked after two little girls who were on the run from a violent father, and they were not allowed to be in any published school photos.

Either of the above reasons should be good enough for the school, and they should not be excluding your daughter from group activities on the basis of you not allowing her to be in photos. Are you sure this is what the teacher said? - because if it is, I think you have good grounds to complain that the school may be discriminating against certain religions and/or children who are in care etc.

quoteunquote · 05/12/2012 16:32

Actually when going through the images collection of sex offenders, children in swimming costumes, dance kit and school uniform are usually quite a large part of the collection.

the children in pictures may not of been abused to get the images but they are still being used.

OP, a lot of people who work dealing with people who collect images of children, do not allow any pictures of their child in school productions, trust your instincts.

As for a teacher drawing attention to your child not being photographed, that is not reasonable, the school aims should be to educate the children, not use them for publicity.

Sirzy · 05/12/2012 16:32

But I assume she does wear a swimsuit in public?

Original poster
Mosman · 05/12/2012 16:32

I'm not after sympathy, my reasons are solid enough in my opinion to be good enough for the school to respect my wishes.
I won't mention the tops and I'll ensure I hear the teachers side of the story first.
Thank you

OP posts:
Kendodd · 05/12/2012 16:32

Has she never worn a swim suit then?

teaguzzler · 05/12/2012 16:33

Mosman you are obviously entitled to your opinion although i agree with other posters that your reasons are extreme. Do you realise how rare it is for parents to decline having photis taken? Could this be why the teacher was questioning you? Perhaps she was ensuring you had understood the question and the possible consequences for your child. If you insist on refusing for your daughter to have photos taken it is absolutely your responsibility to explain why. The school should not have to alter their usual practice to accommodate you.

Bathsheba · 05/12/2012 16:33

Yeah, but that could still be for many reasons - we are assuming its "paedo panic" but it could actually be for other reasons...

Is the OP a follower of a religion that requires modesty etc..?? Is there a past background that might make this more understandable...?

That sort of thing....

squeakytoy · 05/12/2012 16:36

YABU, ridiculous and barking mad.

As a child I did dance classes and swimming, and won medals for both, and had my photo in the local paper many times, along with my team mates..

I suggest you seek some help for your extreme paranoia before it damages your childs self esteem.

TheJoyfulChristmasJumper · 05/12/2012 16:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HipHopOpotomus · 05/12/2012 16:37

what strikes me as being wrong in all of this is the school saying your DC can't be in these clubs because they can't have their photo's taken, and the announcement in front of the school at assembly. However anyone feels about crop tops and photos this is clearly wrong wrong wrong & they should not be doing this.

I'd also point out that the school actually asked you for your permission. THEY ASKED!!!! Therefore they should rightly expect at least some replies of NO and be able to accommodate them.

This is what I would be jumping up and down & fuming about. Everything else is a distraction.

I wouldn't worry yourself at all about other parents - they can speak for themselves.

Kendodd · 05/12/2012 16:37

Sorry I keep repeating this but- What you do at the beach ect. Also what harm to you think she will come to if she is in newsletters?

borisjohnsonshair · 05/12/2012 16:37

FFS. YABU. Get a grip woman.

You are completely over the top about this. What's wrong with photos of your child being taken? What on earth do you think will happen to her???

If you want to spoil things for your daughter, go ahead. In fact, send her to a different school altogether if you don't trust what the school does in this regard.

Better still, home educate, wrap her in cotton wool and don't let her out until she's 75.

EggNogRules · 05/12/2012 16:39

The other 11 year old should know should they ? Bullshit it's none of their concern.

I find it very strange school says can we photograph her, I say no. Nobody must know about it, especially not the children Hmm

Why can't the choir be lined up and photographed without DD, must we have action shots, are they essential? This may impact the OTHER CHILDREN and THEIR PARENTS. Your dd is and shoudl be your priority. Your decision impacts other people.

Kendodd · 05/12/2012 16:40

What will you go if your DD says she wants to appear in the pictures?

WileywithSageStuffing · 05/12/2012 16:41

But Bath I doubt it is for amy religious/protective care reasons as the OP said she wouldn't justify her decision to an 11 year old ( her DD). If it were for something like that you would presume the daughter would be up to speed with it.

I don't think its a problem to not want photos taken, but when you are unwilling to discuss your decision with your child and expect the school to make up pretend scenarios every time a photo call comes up then OP is BU.

Sirzy · 05/12/2012 16:41

what strikes me as being wrong in all of this is the school saying your DC can't be in these clubs because they can't have their photo's taken, and the announcement in front of the school at assembly.

To be fair this is only the OPs very hysterical take on things. We don't know exactly what was said or how it was said. People have given a few example of what could have been said and in one context so I would take the big song and dance type annoucement idea with a pinch of salt.

if it is an event which is normally filmed then unfortunately that will mean that the OPs child cant take part.

chrismissymoomoomee · 05/12/2012 16:41

I imagine the OP would spontaniously combust if her DD said that Kendodd

borisjohnsonshair · 05/12/2012 16:42

Am having to post again because this is making my blood boil. Some people are just so completely obsessed with the idea of paedos being everywhere - it's utterly ridiculous. Yes, don't leave your child in the sole care of person you don't know, but a photograph of a child in a trendy top appearing on the internet? Please get some perspective. Idiotic, self-obsessed, over-dramatic nonsense.

breatheslowly · 05/12/2012 16:42

Have you spoken to the HT about the teacher's behaviour? I would want to know if my staff were behaving like this because there may be sensitive/confidential reasons not to let a child be photographed and I wouldn't want my staff to be blundering about phoning parents and humiliating pupils with (or without) that kind of issue.

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 05/12/2012 16:43

Mosman - You are singling your DD out, not the teacher. You should have told your DD long before now why she's not allowed to be in perfectly ordinary photos - it is ridiculous expecting the school to lie to her on your behalf. If they had sent her away on an errand while the took the photos, do you not think she would have been upset to have been the only child not in the group photo in the newsletter?? Why shouldn't the teacher have told her to discuss it with you if it was a problem? YOU made the decision, not the teacher.

Maybe you need to consider that every other parent is happy with the schools photography and you aren't - for no particular reason, other than DD's 'privacy'. I'd suggest that maybe you need to look at your view on that and your daughters opinion as well. She is 11, not 3, surely she's allowed an opinion at least?

Why are you so adamant that it's a lie that she wouldn't be allowed in the choir? If I was a HT I wouldn't allow her to be in the choir or band, or any team representing the school because it would be a constant arse ache making sure her photo wasn't taken by anyone. An arse ache I would probably endure if the child was fostered or endangered in some way thus needing anonimity - but not due to a parents twattery.