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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want MIL to descend on us on my due date

88 replies

photochick · 04/12/2012 14:15

MIL has just phoned to say they 'happen' to have been offered a college course interview 2 days before my due date for my SIL and that will mean they can travel to that an then on to us just in time for the baby!

She is difficult at the best of times and we don't really see eye to eye as our genral outlooks are very different and the thought of her wading in to what I see as a special bonding time for our new family is really stressing me out Sad.

Now, while I have no intention of denying her acess to her grandchild AIBU for not wanting her there at that particular time? (I have tried telling her the baby might be late but she says it would only be 4 days max - don't ask me how she knows!!).

OP posts:
Whoknowswhocares · 04/12/2012 14:19

Oh good grief! Of course you are not being unreasonable. The cheek of the woman is astounding.

No is a complete sentence. A sentence I would personally insist her son delivers to her in no uncertain terms!

NoobytheWaspSlayer · 04/12/2012 14:20

Your DH needs to tell her no. Or more precisely 'NO NO NO NO NO NO NO'.

CailinDana · 04/12/2012 14:21

YANBU my MIL, who is lovely but a bit full-on, tried to do the same thing when I was due with my DS, under the pretence of bringing down Christmas presents (that we had already asked her to post). I tried to suck it up but as my due date got closer I realised I was panicking about her being there when I went into labour so I screamed at asked DH to tell her to please wait for fuck's sake. DH, bless him, duly did. We got a phone call the next day from FIL and I was bricking it thinking he was going to have a right go at DH but instead he apologised for MIL and was glad we told her to go jump. Apparently he had tried to talk her out of suggesting she come down but she wouldn't listen. My FIL is usually a twat so he surprised me with that. If a twatted old fart like him can realise how stressful it is to have an unwanted visitor around the birth of a baby, surely anyone can.

Would your DH talk to her?

Jingleflobba · 04/12/2012 14:25

Had to log on to just say...
YANBU YANBU YANBU YANBU YANBU YANBU YANBU
Just that. It's a stressful enough time, you need proper support not interfering!
YANBU

PlateSpinningAtAllTimes · 04/12/2012 14:30

Can your DH talk to her? She needs to understand that you need that time for bonding with the new baby, and while you'll be very happy for her to come for a (short) visit soon after baby is born, you don't need all of your mistakes being witnessed and critiqued! YANBU!!!

PlateSpinningAtAllTimes · 04/12/2012 14:31

And '4 days max'?? WTF????

DeWe · 04/12/2012 14:33

Did you know that scans sometimes change the due date? Yours had been changed for 2 weeks later. Hadn't you told her? Very silly of you, but I'm sure she doesn't want to hang round for 4 weeks waiting-your dm was 2 weeks late and it goes down the mother's line...

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/12/2012 14:34

My MIL did this and was a bit pissy when DD went 2 weeks over, I was hospitalised, DD finally arrived 4 days after that. Poor MIL had one day with her and had to go home.

tilder · 04/12/2012 14:35

Yanbu (that nearly came out as tabby on predictive text) to want some control. Is a very special time an if this is your first marks the start of your own family.

I hope that you will be happy to see relatives once the baby is born though. My sil wanted to just be the three of them for 2 weeks post birth. Fine and her choice but for various reasons (school, our new baby, distance) I didn't meet her child for 3 months, which I know upset my brother.

Good luck with everything and congratulations.

COCKadoodledooo · 04/12/2012 14:37

YANBU! Totally.
The outlaws descended on us the very day we bought ds1 home from the hospital, and they wouldn't fucking leave. I still can't forgive them for that, and it is very nearly 9 years ago.

MyLastDuchess · 04/12/2012 14:40

My DD was born last Monday at 8 days late. I am very fond of my MIL but frankly if I had had her staying with us and jumping with excitement every time I said 'ouch' at something, thinking I might be going into labour, I would have gone absolutely round the twist.

Although that last week was a tough time, I was sneakily glad when DD was late as my father was so convinced that she would be here by her due date as she wasn't my first baby. Ha ha Dad, you are not always right! Grin

I also have friends who have had their first around 37 weeks, has your MIL considered the possibility that the baby might come (long) before the interview?

If she knows something that we don't, could she share it with the medical fraternity who will no doubt be delighted to learn how to predict when a baby will be born to within 6 days! Wink

bonzo77 · 04/12/2012 14:44

YANBU. This is the sort of crap my MIL pulls. With DS, the PIL descended the day they started the induction. DS born by EMCS nearly 3 days later. They then crossed umpteen boundaries after. They really made an already stressful time feel much more difficult. They are planning the same this time. I have an ELCS booked. I wish I'd lied about the date by 24 hrs at least, but that would have been unfair on DH.

honeytea · 04/12/2012 14:46

Are tehy staying with you? Could you say they need to stay in a hotel or with other family locally if you have any?

My MIL and FIL have decided that they will drive the 1000 km to us the moment I go into labour. My DP has been instructed to call them as soon as my contractions start/waters break so they can get to us ASAP.

I am due on saturday and I have been trying to persuade tham that it would be a much better idea for them to come down for Christmas as we know the baby will be born by then but no they want to come as soon as he is born.

I'm not sure why people are so interested in seeing a baby when it is hours/days old surely they don't change that much in a couple of weeks?

My FIL calls us everyday as he thinks DP won't call when I go into labour, if we are watching TV he starts asking if we are out and what we are doing.

doublecakeplease · 04/12/2012 14:48

Is she expecting to stay with you? If so bugger that! We said no visitors the day we brought DS home (he'd been in scbu for 2 weeks - we wanted him to ourselves) and had to be very firm with my Mum 'oh we'll just pop in to say hello'. However we welcomed visitors after that - I was desperate for people to meet him / coo over him / tell me how gorgeous he was - lol!

everyone's different though - if you don't want her there then fair enough - as long as it's fair. A friend told everyone they wanted no visitors for a week but then kept inviting her friends / family for secret visits. Her DH was really upset :-(

Rudolphstolemycarrots · 04/12/2012 14:50

Just get you DH to explain that you just want some quite time alone.

Jingleflobba · 04/12/2012 14:52

I think its considered a competition between family members as to who sees the new addition first.
My MIL turned up at the hospital and barged her way into the labour room to see our first! She dunped a bunch if flowers right next to DS while the MW was trying to dress him and pushed her out of the way to try and get to him. She still boasts about being his first visitor 12 years on, although she did back off with the other 2. mainly because they had the good sense to be born at ohmygod o'clock in the morning

lazzaroo · 04/12/2012 15:02

Not unreasonable. I sympathise completely as my in- laws were adamant they would make the 3 hour journey to ours as soon as they knew we were in labour. They actually got to the hospital to see our baby before my own parents who live 20 mins away! It was stressful. They did stay in a B & b (at our request!) but it was hard work. They then came back a few weeks later for Xmas, again staying in a B & b, but were at our house by 8 am each day and staying until late in the night. I do not have fond memories of our first Christmas. We have another baby due this month &. I am dreading a repeat of this. It's preious time that you won't get back.

marchwillsoonbehere · 04/12/2012 15:04

On the face of it of course YANBU, but I am just itching to hear your MiL's side of it. Your opening line is

MIL has just phoned to say they 'happen' to have been offered a college course interview....

how very sweet of you to assume that your MiL was plotting to 'descend' upon you and was able to persuade the college to fall in with her plans. FFS, I believe grips are available BOGOF at the moment in some stores. Suggest you take advantage.

But this thread is absolutely peppered with paranoid inferences e.g. This is the sort of crap my MIL pulls

yes of course your wish to be alone with your own family is totally understandable but it seems to me that at least half the bleatings about awful interfering MiLs on MN are borne of the expectant mumzilla posters' /dils' own beliefs that they are the centre of the world and that everyone else just can't wait to beat a path to their door.

I remember it well when I was a young mum: when you've been round the block a couple more times you will see things are not quite so black and white.

May you have a lovely stress free birth and of course a happy and healthy baby!

SecretSantaSquirrels · 04/12/2012 15:05

Oh another MIL bashing thread.

marchwillsoonbehere · 04/12/2012 15:07

Squirrels you said in five words what it took me five paragraphs to say! Thanks

Pleasenomorepeppa · 04/12/2012 15:12

YANBU.
I'm having the same issues with MIL wanting to be involved. Last time having her here really stressed me out! I ended up locking myself in the bathroom sitting in a bath of tea tree oil until she left!
She lives about an hour & a half away so there are no quick visits!
Having a baby is definitely the time you can dictate who comes to see you & when!!
Good luck Xmas Smile

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 04/12/2012 15:13

YANBU At. All.

Never mind mil bashing, how about a little consideration for someone who doesn't want to labour in front of an audience. Stress is the last thing anyone needs 2 days before thier due date

SecretSantaSquirrels · 04/12/2012 15:13

marchwillsoonbehere I was being flippant of course but it truly saddens me how unkind so many women on MN are to their MIL. (Mother of boys here can you tell).

Of course she is excited and desperate to see her grand child, and yet I'm sure she knows that as the MIL she will always come low down in the pecking order. All that is needed is an honest answer to the effect of "we'd love to see you but not to stay. Please come and stay for a few days once the baby is born."

shellshock7 · 04/12/2012 15:15

honeytea I am surprised at your comment that babies change so much why are people so keen to see them straight away. Seeing a new born is one of the most special things in the world and the sooner (within reason and mothers wishes!) the better in my opinion!

OP I wouldn't want anyone to stay when I brought a baby home, it is a special time for your family, but a visit is not out of order surely?

Pilgit · 04/12/2012 15:16

What I don't get is the need to travel with SIL to college interviews. Presume she is in the uni rounds and not under 16. If she's over 16 why are they going with her? But not wanting other people in your home whilst you could be going into labour and then bringing a new baby home is not unreasonable. It's one thing if you get on and you're comfortable with them, but if you're not then it's not unreasonable to have that time as you want it.