AIBU to not want MIL to descend on us on my due date

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MIL has just phoned to say they 'happen' to have been offered a college course interview 2 days before my due date for my SIL and that will mean they can travel to that an then on to us just in time for the baby!

She is difficult at the best of times and we don't really see eye to eye as our genral outlooks are very different and the thought of her wading in to what I see as a special bonding time for our new family is really stressing me out .

Now, while I have no intention of denying her acess to her grandchild AIBU for not wanting her there at that particular time? (I have tried telling her the baby might be late but she says it would only be 4 days max - don't ask me how she knows!!).

YANBU. YANBU YANBU YANBU.

I had to host my mil HOURS after giving birth to my first child. My own mother came for an hour or so because she didn't want to overwhelm me. I TOLD my mil I didn't want any overnight visitors around the time of the birth. She did not get it. It was so stressful. All I wanted to do was sit naked and try to work out how to breastfeed and to marvel at my new baby.

Next time I will explain MONTHS in advance that I don't want ANY overnight visitors. Visitors for a few hours in the day are welcome. Grandparents obviously especially welcome. Just not fricking overnight!!

I have five boys and I would never invite myself anywhere without asking first, least of all at the time of my future dil's due date

Never mind mil bashing, how about a little consideration for someone who doesn't want to labour in front of an audience

Absolutely...but my point is that without such eagerness to take offence on the part of the mum to be (ffs in so many cases the 'offence' is still in the future and is what the dil is assuming migght happen if a few million wot ifs are lived through first) then things might be a bit more harmonious all round.

Just tell her straight.
Say Obviously we want to show you the new baby but I need it to be a few days after the birth. You don't need to explain yourself firther. But you DO need to tell her in straight terms. Some people do not understand boundaries (my own MIL was amazed to be summoned the day after the birth and would never have assumed she was welcome whenever she chose, same with my DM). So therefore you have to speak plainly.

maytheodds 5 boys! Wow, that's fabulous.

And I agree entirely with what you say about bring a future mil!

Good grief YANBU. How inconsiderate. Put your foot down - tell her no way, and if she is offended don't beat yourself up about it. You need space and privacy not house guests. I love my MIL to bits but if she tried this I'd give her both barrels.

And I think katisha makes an interesting point. Family who were supportive of dh and I and took their lead from us were amazing. I still feel incredible gratitude to all the people who visited in the first few weeks and were so kind to us. But they took their lead from us. The new, bewildered, knackered parents!

TBF I think the point stands regardless of whether the over-eager relative is an IL or not. In my case, it was always my mother who I had to tell to ease off a bit. My MIL is great at striking the balance between leaving us to it and being there for us if we need her.

Yanbu. But INSIST that your dh politely tells his mother that he will phone when the baby is born and let her know when she will be welcome to visit(daytime only and maybe only for a short time, depending on how well you are feeling).

Unbeknownst to me, my MIL decided she wanted to drive to the hospital the moment she knew I was in labour. It was incredibly stressful to me as I wanted some privacy and bonding time with my newborn to be able to breastfeed and to recover from a traumatic labour. MIL even text me when I was in labour to demand to know when she could see her grandchild .

Please make sure your dh ensures she and other visitors stay away until you're ready. Good luck with your birth and congrats

I get what some people are saying about the MIL being excited about seeing her grandchild etc etc but I think it's not too much to ask her to recognise that the prospect of labour is a very daunting thing for a first time mum and that she needs space to deal with it. For me, the thought of my easily-wound-up MIL fussing and freaking when I went into labour actually made me want to puke. I couldn't imagine anything more stressful. I was already nervous enough about having the baby without worrying about that too. Anyone who would rather barge in and see a newborn straight away, rather than just give the new mother some consideration and let her find her feet before descending is being very selfish IMO. I can understand the desire to see a new baby, totally, but unfortunately we don't always get what we want and on the scale of things the new mother who's just been through labour and who is trying to get to grips with a brand new baby takes priority.

honeytea I am surprised at your comment that babies change so much why are people so keen to see them straight away. Seeing a new born is one of the most special things in the world and the sooner (within reason and mothers wishes!) the better in my opinion! At the very most our baby will be 2 weeks old at Christmas so he will still have some of that newborn freshness. Also he is the 11th grandchild for the PIL so I sort of thought they wouldn't be so desperate to see him as there have been lots of babies in the family.

I had to tell my own mum that it was best for her to come and visit us at Christmas as she was thinking of coming for my due date, but we might just have to sit on the sofa (I'm suppsed to be on bed rest due to high blood preassure) drinking tea and anoying each other.

Knowing my luck I will go 2 weeks overdue, the latest they will induce me is the 22nd so we may have my parents and siblings and the PIL and Christmas to deal with + a newborn

Read through this and 80% of me says god, no, YANBU as I would not want my MIL (or anyone for that matter) as an organised date in the diary so close to my due date. I'm stroppy now at 15 weeks with DC3 so when I'm the size of a house and close to giving birth I'd certainly not be very welcoming. So, I get you. I do. From what I remember with DS1 & 2 you become very set in your ways towards the end of the pregnancy.

BUT, as a mother of 2 boys, my goodness I am worried that one day I'll be in this position. First grandchild on the way and knowing that I may not have the same involvement as my parents have had with my boys/their GC.

BUT, my MIL is OTT. Trust me. And has an overbearing obsession with this pregnancy and calling LOTS (and typically at really unhelpful times) for regular updates.

YANBU at all. My MIL was very sulky with me when DS1 our PFB was two weeks late, as she had to reschedule the flight she had booked for my due date to come and visit (!) I think she was expecting me to pay her the difference it had cost to rebook it!

Ask your DH to put her off. It will be hard with a newborn to entertain visitors, and do point out that as you have the baby it will be him doing it so keeping the visits manageable is in his best interests too!

YANBU.

Is the 1st grankid? Poor MIL, but she is being misguided.

Could you leave it open & she can visit if convenient?

I had easy pregnancies & easy labours & I now at how incapacitated I thought I would be.

Of course if you just don´t feel like a visit that´s OK-but you might still be pregnant or feel up to company.

Depends really if she would look after baby so you could rest or wrench it away & make you feel like shit.

YANBU.

I am the mother of a boy (Who will be my only) and ther is NO WAY I would invite myself over to his house at a time when his future partner would be about to give birth. It's incredibly rude. She should back off and your husband should be telling her at the very least to stay elsewhere (If her intention is to stay at yours).

She can see the baby at another time. My MIL didn't see my DS (her first grand child) until he was 10 days old because he was in special care. My own mother didn't see him until he was 2 weeks old as she had a cold and didn't want to give it to him. No one died from not seeing their grandchild immediately.

I don't know what everyone's obsession with seeing the baby so soon after birth is. Surely people can wait a day or two?

I still found it hard when my MIL came to stay about 4 weeks after birth. I was still struggling massively with BF, and didn't feel I could just whip my boobs out (she's a very 'prim' sort of person). So I'd go and sit in the bedroom instead. No fun for anyone.

Thank you for your opinions - its is much appreciated.
Its a fine line of not wanting to push anyone away, my family included but also getting the space that I feel I would like (DC1 and this is all new to us so it is hard to know whether I am just being selfish).

The travel involved means that my MIL and SIL would need to stay over and I imagine it will be for a few days to make it worth their while. I intend to ask my my parents to give us space and my sister has already said she will be around as much or as little as we need without me having to mention it.
For what it is worth the interview could have been anytime between now and next due so the date does seem like a coincidence!

Photochick - so how about No, we're not inviting you to stay or visit this time - once the baby is here we'll talk about a good time for you to visit. I do hope the interview goes well!

Squirrels / March - well there is an easy test isn't there? All these women just need to say to their MILs "actually I'd prefer not to arrange your visit till after the baby is born". And then if the MIL is the lovely kind well-meaning person that you are imagining, she'll reply "oh yes of course dear, I remember what it feels like". Simple.

To all of you with annoying relatives waiting to descend the second something happens - you know how you wake up a lot at night in the last stages of pg? Well, everytime you're awake late/middle of the night/very early - phone them and say you think THIS IS IT and you're straight off to hospital. Then switch the ringer off the phone. Call them in the morning and say "false alarm!". A few nights of that should sort it!

Why does your sil need her mum with her for the interview anyway? Surely she can get up and down in a day with no need of staying over?

Goodness me, I flew all the way from the friggin North of Norway for my interviews with Kings, UCL and Soas, done over 3 days. I did not bring my mum !

Is there many interviews, or just the one?

Squirrels / March - well there is an easy test isn't there? All these women just need to say to their MILs "actually I'd prefer not to arrange your visit till after the baby is born". And then if the MIL is the lovely kind well-meaning person that you are imagining, she'll reply "oh yes of course dear, I remember what it feels like". Simple.

Sounds like an excellent plan to me. And I can't think that any reasonable MiL would disagree with it let alone a 'kind well meaning' one...but you see there it is again, that suspicious, cynical MiL bashing tone that positively invites conflict. FWIW your suggestion is the sort of conversation that takes place all the time between my dil and me...I'm not lovely kind or well meaning (heaven forbid) but I do understand straight talking and my dil says what's on her mind without being confrontational. I don't think we will ever be best buddies but we rub along just fine. Now that's what I call simple.

Yanbu. Mil has no place around you at that time unless you

Invite her.

I really don't know why it is necessary to tell anyone when you are in labour (esp. with your first - I can appreciate if you already have DC then you might need to make childcare arrangements).

I just phoned my parents after DS was born, and DH 'phoned his DM - fortunately they all lived miles away so no one descended on us but I just don't see the need to 'share' the information about labour. I wouldn't dream of expecting to be present as soon as (if) any future DIL has a baby.

I think you just need to get back on the phone and say that it's not going to be convenient for them to stay that close to the birth.

Did she speak to you and 'arrange' this or was it your DH who took the call?

If you can't phone her then can you contact her by email and CC SIL in to say that you won't be having any overnight guests that close to the birth so they will have to re-arrange at another mutually convenient time.