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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think a 5 year old kissing another 5 year old shouldn't involve a trip to the head teacher.

121 replies

ClutchingPearls · 04/12/2012 11:58

DD1 is in reception, doing well, never in trouble, is well liked by other pupils in the school and staff.

Another reception child ran up to her in the playground yesterday, kissed her on the lips and hugged her. Which I feel is completely innocent becasue he had come to school late, missed her because it was his first day back after chicken pox and they are 5 not 15.

School have taken a different approach, they think showing affection to you class mates is punishable. Its a C of E school with very strong links to the local church.

DD1 came out of school yesterday having been held back in the line, I think he was first. Teaching assistant then explained she was crying her eyes out as she had to see the headteacher because of kissing a boy. I laughed, then realised she was serious and have requested a call from head at some point today.

Teaching assistant has said it was just a friendly chat about kissing not being acceptable in school and to not look too much into it. DD1 obviously, like any 5 year old would, sees it as she's been so naughty that the heads had to tell her off.

DD1 won't tell me anymore but is completely traumatised by the whole thing, she worries about being told off and doesn't understand what she did so wrong. I've reasured her and told her I'll be ringing the school throughout the day and if she wants to come home let them know and I'll collect her.

Obviously the school handled it badly but what should I do now? Request the head teacher talks to DD and explains kissing isn't wrong but they would rather not have it in school? Or move on? We plan on inviting the boy for tea, this a good idea or will it make a bigger deal out of it?

OP posts:

Allonsy · 04/12/2012 12:00

How ridiculous but then i think children of this age being sent to the head for minor reasons is ridiculous too, ds came home age 5 inconsolable after being shouted at by the head and deputy head and made to sit on a chair outside their office through break for acting silly in class, he was 5!

chrismissymoomoomee · 04/12/2012 12:01

Was it the school complaining or did the parent of the little boy complain?

LadyBeagleBaublesandBells · 04/12/2012 12:03

I'd be furious.
How could something so sweet and innocent be punished?
What does the other mum think?

Original poster

ClutchingPearls · 04/12/2012 12:03

The school, the other parent was with the teacher having the same thing explained to her. He also had to go see the headteacher.

OP posts:

zeno · 04/12/2012 12:04

Molehill becomes mountain x 2:

The school for overreacting

You for overreacting right back at them

Completely traumatised? Here, use this grip till you find one...

Original poster

ClutchingPearls · 04/12/2012 12:06

Not sure about the other mum, she had the same expression as me when she was being told but only does Monday and Friday pick ups so I can't ask until then.

OP posts:

Fakebook · 04/12/2012 12:08

Tbh I wouldn't be happy if another child kissed me dd on the lips. We don't do lip kissing at home. I've always kissed my children on the cheeks because I think it's more hygienic.

Fakebook · 04/12/2012 12:09

My* .....EURGH at "me".

Original poster

ClutchingPearls · 04/12/2012 12:10

Thanks zeno but that's why I'm asking advice on here, so I don't over react. And yes traumatised, first time she's been told off by anyone but her parents, told off by the most important person she knows, inconsolable, won't talk to us, struggled sleeping last night, didn't want to go to school today.

OP posts:

NagooHoHoHo · 04/12/2012 12:12

Minimise it now, just tell your DD you don't thnk she did anything wrong, and she will not be punished and say no more unless she asks for reassurance again.

Don't make this about your principles, make it about her comfort.

Rhinestone · 04/12/2012 12:13

I think the school are completely overreacting and it's sweet and the little boy did nothing wrong at all.

However I am really fuming because you state that the little boy kissed her, i.e. your DD was the 'kissee' and yet she had to go and see the head too! Talk about blaming the 'victim' (not that she's a victim but yswim) and instilling in girls at a young age that they are responsible for the actions of boys with regard to kissing and the like.

I would raise hell on both counts to be honest.

megandraper · 04/12/2012 12:14

Ridiculous. Our school would not do that. At the most, perhaps the class teacher would say something in a kindly way along the lines of 'we don't kiss on the mouth at school, DC'.

NagooHoHoHo · 04/12/2012 12:19

Fakebook I remember reading that we developed kissing our children on the lips as it improves their immunity. It was quite interesting. You're really missing out on slimy baby snotty smooches

BigGums · 04/12/2012 12:23

I find that really sad. Poor DD and poor little boy. Hope she is ok.

breadandbutterfly · 04/12/2012 12:23

Agree school overreacted - for class teacher to take them to one side and say ' we don't do kissing in school' if that's their policy is fine, but telling them off formally esp your dd who didn't even do anything, is v wrong. I would want the school to make amends asap if it was my dd. But then I'd let it lie asap - and get back to more important things. In the meantime, you need to assure your dd she did nothing wrong. I actually thik in a case like this it's perfectly ok to tell your dd the school - and the head - were wrong to do qhat they did. Learning that authority figures aren't always right is a hard lesson but an important one - when she is older it is important she feels confident in standing up to injustice if she faces it.

woolyscarf · 04/12/2012 12:24

How lovely that DD1 is so affectionate and obviously comes from a lovely home. how STUPID and CRASS of the school for taking such an OVER THE TOP response. Sorry for the capitals but honestly... where is this school getting its ideas from! Personally, I would really try and meet the other mum. She may be feeling a little confused by it and would probably welcome the chance to speak to you. Exercise some 'mum power' and if you're both agreed you could both go and see the head about the effect this has had on both children. i.e. One - don't show affection, two - refuse affection, what sort of emotional building blocks are these? Head teachers and teachers do get it wrong occasionally - the good ones admit it and change things for the better!! Best wishes )hugs(

chrismissymoomoomee · 04/12/2012 12:25

If the other parent had complained then that would be a different matter, although the school would have still over-reacted.

Since its just the opinion of the school and both parents didn't mind then I think I would go with the other parent and have a word with the head, the poor children are going to be terrified of the opposite sex if they continue like that over a peck on the lips between 5 year olds.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 04/12/2012 12:26

Sounds like an over the top reaction by the school, whoever was on playground duty that day must have had a cats bum face witnessing an innocent greeting for them to consider it worth reporting.

I would just tell DD that's the rules, no kissing, not to worry about the headteacher explaining, it wasn't a telling off, because only naughty children get told off and she and her friend weren't naughty because they didn't know that was the rule, but now they know so mustn't do that again at school.

Letsmakecookies · 04/12/2012 12:26

The school seem to have handled it badly. Either they should have just not done anything as from what you describe it was just two little children greeting each other with innocence. The other way to deal with it is gently explain about private areas and that kissing on the mouth is not something you do to just anyone. The school should be educating socially not just academically, and have failed to do so here.

pudding25 · 04/12/2012 12:26

I am a primary teacher. I have never heard of anything so ridiculous in my life. My DD is also in reception and she's always going around hugging and kissing her friends. That is what little kids do. It is cute.

Fakebook Really You've never kissed your DCs on their lips? Sorry but that is just odd.

LRDtheFeministDude · 04/12/2012 12:27

I can understand them wanting to say 'no kissing' because some children/parents might not like it, and you have to learn sometime that you don't usually kiss other people at school.

But I agree with rhine it seems really unfair to treat her as if she has done something wrong when she was the one who got kissed - and very unfair to give either of them such a serious talk when presumably the boy is just copying what his mum or dad do, and thought it was sweet.

Surely they could have simply said to the whole class that kissing is nice for at home with family but we don't do it at school?

Fakebook · 04/12/2012 12:32

Maybe the school are trying to teach boundaries to children? Not everyone likes being kissed or hugged. If this is what they were trying to do then seeing the headteacher was overreacting. The teacher could have dealt with it.

Nagoo, don't worry, often DS moves his head just as I'm going in for a kiss and get a big sloppy snotty kiss instead!

Fakebook · 04/12/2012 12:34

I don't think it's odd. My parents never kissed me on the lips and I had the best loving Mum and my Dad is the best Dad anyone could ask for. It hasn't affected me and it won't affect my children either.

LRDtheFeministDude · 04/12/2012 12:35

But why would they have the talk with the OP's little girl if they're teaching boundaries?

socharlotte · 04/12/2012 12:38

It is inappropriate behaviour that's all.I am n ot sure why your Dd was sent to the head if it was the boy doing the kissing?
I think kissing on the lips is for lovers.Kissing a child on the lips is weird

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