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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think a 5 year old kissing another 5 year old shouldn't involve a trip to the head teacher.

121 replies

ClutchingPearls · 04/12/2012 11:58

DD1 is in reception, doing well, never in trouble, is well liked by other pupils in the school and staff.

Another reception child ran up to her in the playground yesterday, kissed her on the lips and hugged her. Which I feel is completely innocent becasue he had come to school late, missed her because it was his first day back after chicken pox and they are 5 not 15.

School have taken a different approach, they think showing affection to you class mates is punishable. Its a C of E school with very strong links to the local church.

DD1 came out of school yesterday having been held back in the line, I think he was first. Teaching assistant then explained she was crying her eyes out as she had to see the headteacher because of kissing a boy. I laughed, then realised she was serious and have requested a call from head at some point today.

Teaching assistant has said it was just a friendly chat about kissing not being acceptable in school and to not look too much into it. DD1 obviously, like any 5 year old would, sees it as she's been so naughty that the heads had to tell her off.

DD1 won't tell me anymore but is completely traumatised by the whole thing, she worries about being told off and doesn't understand what she did so wrong. I've reasured her and told her I'll be ringing the school throughout the day and if she wants to come home let them know and I'll collect her.

Obviously the school handled it badly but what should I do now? Request the head teacher talks to DD and explains kissing isn't wrong but they would rather not have it in school? Or move on? We plan on inviting the boy for tea, this a good idea or will it make a bigger deal out of it?

OP posts:

lovebunny · 04/12/2012 19:02

To think a 5 year old kissing another 5 year old shouldn't involve a trip to the head teacher
not unless it was with tongues.

well, that was my first thought, anyway. and it was facetious, i didn't imagine for one moment that it would have.

hmm. i think if the school has a policy of no kissing, the head is right to maintain that. its all very well kissing at five, but at 10 or 11 it gets a bit more problematic.
our school nurse tells the most hair-raising tales of children arriving at high school already 'experienced'.

Pantofino · 04/12/2012 19:06

Well quite. I kiss my husband, my daughter, my friends, SOME work colleagues, my children's friends, their parents on a daily basis. It is polite (here) when you know someone well to greet them like this. I kiss my dd and my dh several times a day in an affectionate way, on the cheek, on the lips whatever. None of these kisses are anything to do with sex in any way, shape or form. I find it very odd that people cannot draw a line between affection/friendship and the dirty deed.

unrulysun · 04/12/2012 20:06

Can I do 'or even homosexual' or has the moment for that passed?

Nah - never to late to at a bigot...

catgirl1976geesealaying · 04/12/2012 20:10

Been done...........but worth doing again

EdgarAllanPond · 04/12/2012 20:19

kissing isn't unacceptable in primary school though.

DD1 kisses quite a few friends and their Mummies. when it is a little boy there is usually much giggling and silliness (they are reaching the age of 'yuck girls')

i only tell her off if they seem not to like it.
social kissing is a commonplace amongst adults in the UK anyway.

i think the school has a rod up its jacksie, if this is for real.

and talking to the head is a very big deal for a small kid.

BeginningtoffeealotlikeXmas · 04/12/2012 20:29

I think it's dreadful that their affection was sexualised and chastised like that. Poor children. I really feel for your DD, OP. If it were my child, I would chat to her about how silly the teachers are being and emphasise to her that she did nothing wrong. And I would also discuss it with the head and let him/her know how unhappy I am with the way it was handled (as if it needed to be 'handled' in the first place!).

Incidentally, my DS2 (7) is besotted with a girl in his year. They have even had a mock wedding and had their first child, who they tenderly tuck up in a cradle. This is all entirely innocent as DS knows absolutely nothing about sex - all he knows is that he likes this girl.

I wonder what your DD's headteacher would make of that (at least they married first ).

breatheslowly · 04/12/2012 20:33

OP, have you heard from the HT?

unrulysun · 04/12/2012 20:35

catgirl I saw that you and others had done it. I just wanted to do it myself

catgirl1976geesealaying · 04/12/2012 20:36

EdgarAllanPond · 04/12/2012 20:39

actually at my place of work some of the regulars do greet each other with hugs and kisses - if they haven't seen each other for a bit.

it is normal adult social interraction.

HeadfirstForAMistletoeKiss · 04/12/2012 20:39

unrulysun, I don't think you can overdo an 'or even homosexual' moment

SchroSawMummyRidingSantaClaus · 04/12/2012 20:55

At 5 there is nothing inappropriate about it, infact, I can't think of anything more innocent. :(

YANBU.

MummytoKatie · 04/12/2012 20:56

If it was me I'd be asking exactly why my child wasn't being safeguarded from the Evil Kissing. How she was comforted after the Evil Kissing Event. What the school is intending to do to avoid her suffering from Evil Kissing in the future. And, most of all, why she was punished when she was the victim of the school's failure to safeguard her and if it is common for the school to blame victims.

Then I would point out that personally I think kissing amongst tiny children is adorable so would be happy to drop the school's failure to safeguard as long as the school agrees they were ridiculously ott.

DumSpiroSperHoHoHo · 04/12/2012 21:00

Same at my place of work, Edgar. Not a daily ritual, but if someone's been/is going away for a couple of weeks, has a birthday or good news or is having a rough time a hug would be completely the norm.

My DD's school (non religious) is a bit uptight about this kind of thing - in Reception they didn't like them hugging or holding hands or referring to having a 'best' friend. Having said that I think a lot of that may have come from Dd's barking teacher as these things haven't been mentioned since & she's now Yr3.

jamdonut · 04/12/2012 21:16

Nothing wrong with hugs and kisses between friends, per se, but some children do display inappropriate sexual behaviour at that age, and that sets off alarm bells,as a possible sign of abuse .
I once found a 6 year old boy and girl, alone in a far corner of the playground, undies down and touching things that ought not to be touched. It needed reporting. Parents were called. The girl's parents were horrified and very,very, angry. The boy's parents weren't that bothered. Even when they were caught doing it again some days later, by another member of staff. Sometimes it is a very fine line between innocence and innappropriate.

MrsMelons · 04/12/2012 22:16

Wow - that is completely OTT from the school. I have 2 boys (6 &4) and they kiss their friends sometimes as to them at the moment it is normal to kiss people hello and goodbye. I don't think they kiss on the lips generally except for family and close adult friends but I can't see it is anything alarming at all. I understand not everyone kisses on the lips but I think its lovely all the time they still want to!

In fact, DS2 is in a class of boys (YR) and they were at a party the other day and they hugged and kissed each other goodbye. I though it was really sweet actually, some of the teachers were there and commented on how lovely that they were so close after just 1 term.

cory · 04/12/2012 22:16

jamdonut, of course there are children who behave inappropriately, but that doesn't mean that normal 5yo behaviour should be banned: it means that the children who behave inappropriately should get help. Totally different ball game.

As for those posters who think 5yos need to be taught not to kiss for fear that they will not know not to kiss when they are 11- do you really think children don't notice that things as they grow up? An 11yo who kisses his girlfriend will be doing it because he is in love, because of hormones, because of a desire to experiment or to gain status among his friends: it definitely won't be because someone forgot to inform him about kissing when he was 5.

You have to have different rules about all sorts of things with children of different ages, because they are different.

MrsMelons · 04/12/2012 22:18

Oh and I kiss everyone especially at christmas

hellymelly · 04/12/2012 22:27

Your poor DD! my dd is also five, and would be really upset at being told off for something like this. Her school also has a kissing ban btw. For five year olds! Insane.

jamdonut · 04/12/2012 22:31

cory i agree. I was just trying to put a Schools-eye view on it, that it is difficult,sometimes,to know where to draw the line about other people's personal space and what is actual unwanted and innappropriate behaviour
.
It is the same with children who "play-fight". They might be the best of friends and be having fun...until one of them actually gets hurt, goes home and tells his/her parents that somebody hurt them, and that gets translated,somehow, to "my child is being bullied". So we try to ban play-fighting from the playground,( we talk about why it is ot a good idea in circle time) in a bid to be seen to be safe-guarding, but then school gets a bollocking from parents who think this is heavy-handed policing. Seems schools can't win, whatever they do.

thebody · 04/12/2012 22:51

Hi I am a reception TA and this is very ott..

If anything needs to be said its just re kissing on lips as can spread infections so a hug is nicer.

Sounds like a massive overreaction and slightly wierd to put a nasty slant on innocent affection.

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