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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a 5 year old kissing another 5 year old shouldn't involve a trip to the head teacher.

121 replies

ClutchingPearls · 04/12/2012 11:58

DD1 is in reception, doing well, never in trouble, is well liked by other pupils in the school and staff.

Another reception child ran up to her in the playground yesterday, kissed her on the lips and hugged her. Which I feel is completely innocent becasue he had come to school late, missed her because it was his first day back after chicken pox and they are 5 not 15.

School have taken a different approach, they think showing affection to you class mates is punishable. Its a C of E school with very strong links to the local church.

DD1 came out of school yesterday having been held back in the line, I think he was first. Teaching assistant then explained she was crying her eyes out as she had to see the headteacher because of kissing a boy. I laughed, then realised she was serious and have requested a call from head at some point today.

Teaching assistant has said it was just a friendly chat about kissing not being acceptable in school and to not look too much into it. DD1 obviously, like any 5 year old would, sees it as she's been so naughty that the heads had to tell her off.

DD1 won't tell me anymore but is completely traumatised by the whole thing, she worries about being told off and doesn't understand what she did so wrong. I've reasured her and told her I'll be ringing the school throughout the day and if she wants to come home let them know and I'll collect her.

Obviously the school handled it badly but what should I do now? Request the head teacher talks to DD and explains kissing isn't wrong but they would rather not have it in school? Or move on? We plan on inviting the boy for tea, this a good idea or will it make a bigger deal out of it?

OP posts:
Fakebook · 04/12/2012 13:57

I know they're five, and agree it was completely innocent (what else could it be considering they're five). But when do we start teaching children social boundaries? Or do we let it come to them naturally?

hatsybatsy · 04/12/2012 13:57

am Shock at the idea that kissing your kids on the lips is unhygienic or inappropriate. wow. people really think that?

have had a similar situation to OP - my dd was told off for kissing her boyfriend in the playground when they were both in year one. they've known each other since birth and (at that point!) happily kissed and cuddled all the time. teacher pulled me to one side to outline the offence and explain that he had already dealt with it. I found it hard to keep a straight face......

hatsybatsy · 04/12/2012 13:58

fakebook - you can't be for real? we need to teach 5 year old children not to show affection? for their friends? Hmm

OkayHazel · 04/12/2012 13:59

The same thing happened to me as a child. Ended up being shouted at by the head after a religious dinner lady took offence to 4 year old me and my wanton behaviour.

Outrageous then and outrageous now.

N0tinmylife · 04/12/2012 14:01

Wow OP, I am not surprised you are not happy. Although it is innocent and harmless I can kind of see why the school don't want to encourage the children to kiss each other, but why on earth whoever saw this did not just say something to the children there and then I really don't understand.

A comment to the children then, would not have made a big deal out of it, but could have made clear that this was something that the school did not want to happen. Sending them to the head is ridiculous, and I'm not surprised your DD was upset.

I think I would let it drop as far as DD is concerned now, but I would definitely be having a word with the school about their over reaction.

picketywick · 04/12/2012 14:01

Headteacher may explain policy. It seems OTT

Fakebook · 04/12/2012 14:02

I've had to teach dd not to hug every child she sees at school because some of them clearly aren't happy to be hugged and she's been given strange looks by parents when she hugs a friend.

There was a similar thread like this a few months ago and there were a lot of people admitting they don't kiss their children on their lips. Just for clarity's sake, I didn't say it was weird, that was someone else. I didn't particularly want to mention my cold sores, but for me, it is hygienic. I wouldn't be too happy if a stranger kissed my children on the lips either.

AndiMac · 04/12/2012 14:05

I agree with Rhinestone. Why did your daughter get into trouble when she was the one who was kissed, not actively seeking out a kiss?

I would try to reassure her that she (nor the boy in question, IMO) did anything wrong. But I would go in and have words with the head and with whomever sent her to see the head. What did they expect your daughter to do? Slap the boy across the face and shout, "How dare you Mr. Percival!"? Ridiculous.

catgirl1976geesealaying · 04/12/2012 14:16

Fakebook

They are 5

Of course it wouldn't be "inappropriate"
They. are. 5.

Fakebook · 04/12/2012 14:26

Catgirl, please refer to my earlier comment:

Fakebook Tue 04-Dec-12 13:57:22

Floggingmolly · 04/12/2012 14:26

Teaching assistant sad it was just a friendly chat about kissing not being acceptable in school and not to look too much into it
So it was just about setting boundaries then? In what way was she punished?

AndiMac · 04/12/2012 14:29

Why does the head need to do it? Why can't the pupils' own teacher discuss it?

RudolphTheRedNosedGiraffe · 04/12/2012 14:33

To a five year old, anything involving having to go to the headteacher's office would not seem anything like "a friendly chat"! At that age I think I'd have been crying to just have been called there, without even knowing if I was in trouble or not. The same conversation would have been much easier to take coming from the teacher or TA. It does sound like a massive overreaction on the school's part, but it's done now. I would just tell the school how you feel and then move on. (and reassure DD that she didn't actually do anything naughty, obviously).

catgirl1976geesealaying · 04/12/2012 14:35

Sorry Fakebook - I missed that post.

I don't get why kissing is unacceptable in a primary school Flogging

As for teaching boundaries - I kiss all my friends and relatives in greeting. They all kiss me. Pretty standard way to greet someone IMO

toomuchturkeyatendofthedinner · 04/12/2012 14:38

Just read the OP and think this is utterly utterly ridiculous. One, because kissing between 5 year olds isn't an issue, and 2, your daughter didn't instigate it anyway!!!!!

I help in my local school a lot, and on one occasion in the classroom of 5 year olds (p1 so equivalent first term at school) a little boy was trying to hug and kiss his little friend, and the teacher just said in a very mild tone "x, can you please stop kissing y, as she is trying to do her work" and that was it! That's all it needs fgs. And yours weren't even in a classroom, they were playing outside I think?! Xmas Hmm at this school and staff attitude. Woeful. Pathetic.

socharlotte · 04/12/2012 14:44

'I don't get why kissing is unacceptable in a primary school'

really?

catgirl1976geesealaying · 04/12/2012 14:45

Yup

Really

It is a perfectly normal healthy way to display affection

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 04/12/2012 14:54

You see I can understand them discouraging the children from kissing on the lips. Mainly because they'd be constantly passing on germs to each other and also because it's not the social norm to kiss in school in this country. BUT the teacher having a quiet word is very different from being sent to the head and calling the parents in. Play it down to your DD I think and say to school how upset she is and that they have gone far too far.

socharlotte · 04/12/2012 14:58

You can't understand why a school won't allow kissing?
because
a what if the child doesn't want to be kissed?
b what about an 11 yo kissing a 4 yo old the lips (especially against their will)
c do you want your child to see full-on hetero or even homosexual snogging
Where do you draw the line.Much better to say 'no kissing in school'
Lots of things are fine to do at home, but not in school!

catgirl1976geesealaying · 04/12/2012 14:59

or even homosexual snogging

Is that worse than hetrosexual snogging in some way?

Have a word with yourself

Floggingmolly · 04/12/2012 15:02

Will you feel the same when they start pairing off in Year 7 (or before), Catgirl?

Sure, it's totally innocent at 5, but some kids don't like their personal space being invaded, and that should be respected too.

KellyEllyChristmasBelly · 04/12/2012 15:03

God knows what will happen to my DD when she starts school. She is an avid lip kisser and has different names for the kisses - mummy can I have a loud kiss, a long kiss, a singing kiss, a barbie kiss (still not worked out what that one is)...the list goes on Grin

piprabbit · 04/12/2012 15:03

So you know a lot of primary school children who perform full on sexual (of any description) snogging? Or are you concerned about adults snogging in school in front of the children?

And why, FFS, was the class teacher incapable of dealing with this topic. Is she always so wet when setting boundaries for the children in her care?

Aerobreaking · 04/12/2012 15:06

'or even homosexual snogging'

Hmm
catgirl1976geesealaying · 04/12/2012 15:10

This is 1 five year old kissing another 5 year old, who was happy to recieve the kiss in greeting in the playground. A non-issue

If one 5yo child didn't want to be kissed by another, all that would be needed is for a teacher to calmly say "Don't kiss xx, she doesn't like it"

If it were during class, all it needs is a teacher to say "Don't kiss xx now, we are reading"

An 11 y kissing a 5yo is a different issue - but you still wouldn't march the 5yo to the heads office.

I don't think 5 year old do "snogging". A little peck from one 5yo to another is not "snogging". It makes me Hmm when people sexualise children's behaviour.