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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell parents to reimburse me

267 replies

Netmumsrule · 02/12/2012 22:56

My dd, 7, had a dance show yesterday and forgot her costume (dress). I was annoyed but as time was tight I paid £20 for a return cab to go home and get it as I did not want to let her and her dance team down.
She was wearing another costume for a dance she was doing before and when she went to change into her dress is was missing. Everyone in her class, apart from one who they thought was nervous before the dance,searched and she ended up going on stage being the only one without her costume. She cried throughout the performance but held it together as she did not want to let the others down.
When I saw her dress wasn;t on and she was crying I went to the side of the stage, asked the teacher why she wasn'r wearing it and got a reply' she lost it'.
I knew this could not have been the case and as soon as the dance ended my dd came to me-(she was also upset as she knew I made an effort to get a cab there and back when I had been ill).
I told her it wasn't her fault and then searched for it and then asked some of her classmates to check the labels. Well, the girl who did not help to find it had it on and when I asked her why she said she forgot hers and it was in her dads car boot. Her dad was watching the show so could have been found. I asked her why she took it and she didn't care and said 'it was there and I took it as mine is in the carboot.'
I told her it was a horrible thing and to return it and she took it off and didn't even apologise.
The dance teacher knows.
One parent told me, 'they are only children and I shouldn't make a big deal' but I think her behaviour is wrong.
A few other parents who heard were disgusted.
Should I tell the teacher to get the girls parents to give me my cab fare and should I ask the video of that dance is deleted as dd feels humiliated as is was crying throughout it and the only one in the whole show who was not in the correct costume? It is supposed to be going to 120 people approx.
As the dress was being looked for and dd was in tears I think it is a horrid experience for any child to have happen.
Am I over-protective?

OP posts:
WitchCrafter · 07/12/2012 17:01

Darcey- I did not shout, raise my voice, simply said. Her parents haven't a clue and she probably told them the costume she wore was a spare one.

BarceyDussell · 07/12/2012 17:03

It's Barcey, actually ;)

I didn't say you shouted or raised your voice. I'm saying you may not quite have a handle on how you came across or what you said.

Your OP said you told the little girl that she did a horrible thing but in later posts you've said you simply asked her why she did it and to give the costume back.

You can make a scene without shouting and screaming. You can intimidate a child of 7 without raising your voice.

GreenEggsAndNichts · 07/12/2012 17:08

um. Well, I was on your side about quite a bit of the original question, but in light of your messages to and from the teacher, I think YABU. I think you made more of a scene than you think you did. And telling the teacher to exclude the other girl was OTT. This is not an excludable offense, it's a little girl who wasn't doing anything she would have thought to be malicious. This is something that, at most, needs to be handled with the parents and the teacher.

Also, you probably think you're being clever by continuing to put the school's name in the thread, but all that is going to do is get the thread deleted. :(

I agree with others, you can take this to the local paper if you feel it important enough.

BarceyDussell · 07/12/2012 17:08

Your posts are very inconsistent, OP. On Sunday you said

"The parents know but I have had no apology..."

But you have just posted:

"Her parents haven't a clue and she probably told them the costume she wore was a spare one."

Which is it?

ChristmasIsForPlutocrats · 07/12/2012 17:09

If you want to withdraw posts with the school name, you click on "report" opposite your posts. However, there are now quite a few of them, so the thread might start to make less sense; also, I get the sense you want to name them. However, that means it's more likely this teacher will see this and have the thread pulled for privacy/libel reasons (they don't have to prove libel to MNHQ: this isn't the Guardian!). Then you'll feel even more frustrated and angry about this situation. FWIW, from what you've said here, the teacher has handled this very badly. However, that means she won't handle it well if she realises she's being talked about online, and some of the people who now feel sympathy with you may turn against you because they consider that naming the school on this thread - rather than leaving it an anonymous discussion - is a bit OTT.

WitchCrafter · 07/12/2012 17:09

Barcey- sorry. I guess it happened so fast.
The truth and facts are the dance teacher did not handle it at all and only cares about her pocket and has no morals.

gettingeasier · 07/12/2012 17:13

I think what you did was more impactful than you, in your upset state, would have realised.

As Barcy has picked up on you do seem to changing the detail of exactly what happened as well

MadBanners · 07/12/2012 17:15

Wrong to now exclude your dd, but really, suggesting a term exclusion for the 7 year old who wore your dd costume for all of one dance is a bit ott. Which to me suggests you have been ott last week also, and ranted and raved and generally made a scene. Instead of just going, "oh well, at least you danced lovely and really stood out"

Other girl is a 7 year old child, hardly a villain, and yes did wrong, but then she is 7, and who makes well thought out choices and decisions at 7.

Acky123 · 07/12/2012 17:28

It's the dance teacher's school and it's up to her who attends.

Sounds like you kicked off in the heat of the moment and the teacher didn't take well to being told what to do.

YABU. Can't believe people are calling the teacher a bitch.

WitchCrafter · 07/12/2012 17:34

Christmas- i have reported my posts with the name- thanks for telling me.

I did tell dd I am proud of her and she knows it.

Other girl only joined this term and dd has been there 18m...

I believe in karma.

BarceyDussell · 07/12/2012 17:37

So do the parents know or not?

HildaOgden · 07/12/2012 17:38

' I will not also allow have another parent abuse other parents, my staff or myself in the way you did during and aftr the show on saturday.'

I think that's the reason the teacher will not allow you anywhere near the school now.And I think you were a lot more aggressive/intimidating than you are prepared to admit,even to yourself.

And what's more....the teacher has plenty of witnesses (parents,staff and herself)....to back up her version of events.There are always at least 2 sides to every story,and I have a funny feeling that your actions on that night were far more agitated/aggressive/intimidating than could possibly be considered reasonable.

Be honest with yourself.Because you are leaving yourself wide open for a defamation suit.

WitchCrafter · 07/12/2012 17:43

I am being honest- I was not abusive. I left the teacher on good terms last week.

The other parents do not know.

HildaOgden · 07/12/2012 17:50

Well then I think you need to seek legal advice on how to handle her falsely accusing you of being abusive,in that case.

MadBanners · 07/12/2012 17:51

Bet their daughter mentioned to them you had called her horrible and made her strip though!

Your daughter would not have been at all as upset about it if you had not reacted the way you have. Just saying, that she had danced very well, and all the other ppl watching probably thought she was the star of the show as she was dressed differently, and she would have been happy and forgot all about it.

the other child has already been reprimanded by you, and then you also wanted her excluded/moved and to stand up in front of the class and apologise. How many punishments does she need for a badly thought out action that should have been forgotten about within an hour?

WitchCrafter · 07/12/2012 17:56

I asked her 'can you please give me dd's dress back'. It is a summer dress worn over leggings and leotard- what my dd ended up wearing on stage. That is not unreasonable.

HildaOgden · 07/12/2012 18:00

I honestly think you should cut your losses and write this off as one of life's unpleasant experiences.

I have no doubt that part of your daughters upset was due to the worry of how you would react...as at the very first part of your post says,you were already annoyed that she had forgotten to bring her outfit herself.

It all went downhill from there,you got more and more irate and things escalated.I have to say I still believe you very far more intimidating to everyone around you than you are admitting (perhaps you aren't even aware of your 'presence' when angry).

The teachers carefully considered response to you,in writing (well,in text) makes me believe she is damn sure of her case being believed and believes that anyone that witnessed it will back her up.

gettingeasier · 07/12/2012 18:07

OP YANBU to have felt upset about what happened

YABU in almost every other respect and I agree demands for this girl to be punished as per your text are completely stupid bordering on vindictive. Also your subsequent name dropping and extraneous details about the school how it started are just rants.

You seem unwilling to see how your behaviour was wrong and only how hard done by you are

I imagine had DD gone to class today nothing would have been said and she could have happily continued and you could have waited for the karma you keep referring to to take place.

If I were you I would consider your part in all this and learn something from it

WitchCrafter · 07/12/2012 18:09

Off course- she pays her staff who have no choice to defend her.

If I did come across as so angry then surely she should have sent a polite text or email during the week saying- thank dd for keeping it together, or sorry I din't check labels.. anything to acknowledge she actually cared would calm anyone down (even me). I'm not unreasonable, just disgusted she wanted to ignore it. She is the ambassador of her school.

WitchCrafter · 07/12/2012 18:13

It has taught me how nasty people in the performing arts industry can be.

If I was wrong last Saturday surely the teacher could have blown it over by clearing the air at the beginning of the week.

She has never once admitted to not checking the kids dress name tags. She has not apologised at all yet I have.

MadBanners · 07/12/2012 18:16

So now she has no morals, is going to force her employees to lie for her and is nasty! Or is it the 7 year old child who is nasty!?

CelineMcBean · 07/12/2012 18:24

I had a lot of sympathy for your original op but having read your recent posts including the email exchange where you appear to be suggesting the other child should be asked to leave I have revised my opinion.

Op you sound like a complete nightmare and seem to have lost all perspective on the situation. I don't think the teacher has handled this well but I can understand that she has reached her limit with your aggravating messages and just wants you to stop.

I would walk away and have a think about your behaviour. By your own admission you have a tendency to raise your voice in anger and I am really shocked that any adult would expect another adult to intervene and lead the girl away if you went too far and that you have added your behaviour never gets so bad as to be violent!

You have serious issues and your energy would be better spent tackling those instead of pursuing this further.

CelineMcBean · 07/12/2012 18:27

Not email, text.

I agree with poster who says the texts should vindictive but also op is banging on about the can fare again!

CelineMcBean · 07/12/2012 18:28

Dyac! Sound not should, cab not can.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 07/12/2012 18:33

OP, what was it that you did that you apologised for?