Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell parents to reimburse me

267 replies

Netmumsrule · 02/12/2012 22:56

My dd, 7, had a dance show yesterday and forgot her costume (dress). I was annoyed but as time was tight I paid £20 for a return cab to go home and get it as I did not want to let her and her dance team down.
She was wearing another costume for a dance she was doing before and when she went to change into her dress is was missing. Everyone in her class, apart from one who they thought was nervous before the dance,searched and she ended up going on stage being the only one without her costume. She cried throughout the performance but held it together as she did not want to let the others down.
When I saw her dress wasn;t on and she was crying I went to the side of the stage, asked the teacher why she wasn'r wearing it and got a reply' she lost it'.
I knew this could not have been the case and as soon as the dance ended my dd came to me-(she was also upset as she knew I made an effort to get a cab there and back when I had been ill).
I told her it wasn't her fault and then searched for it and then asked some of her classmates to check the labels. Well, the girl who did not help to find it had it on and when I asked her why she said she forgot hers and it was in her dads car boot. Her dad was watching the show so could have been found. I asked her why she took it and she didn't care and said 'it was there and I took it as mine is in the carboot.'
I told her it was a horrible thing and to return it and she took it off and didn't even apologise.
The dance teacher knows.
One parent told me, 'they are only children and I shouldn't make a big deal' but I think her behaviour is wrong.
A few other parents who heard were disgusted.
Should I tell the teacher to get the girls parents to give me my cab fare and should I ask the video of that dance is deleted as dd feels humiliated as is was crying throughout it and the only one in the whole show who was not in the correct costume? It is supposed to be going to 120 people approx.
As the dress was being looked for and dd was in tears I think it is a horrid experience for any child to have happen.
Am I over-protective?

OP posts:
HollaAtMeBaby · 03/12/2012 00:39

Yes Wilson, she is a thieving little bitch. Deliberately took something that wasn't hers because it suited her to do so, and lied to the teacher when asked to check her label even though the OP's daughter was dressless and upset. Definitely sociopathic behaviour!

MyNutcrackerSuiteAudrina · 03/12/2012 00:46

Agree with Freddos Shock Grin

I would be burning with shame and would stop my DD from taking part in dance classes until she demonstrated that she was mature enough to understand what team effort was all about. I wouldn't inflict her on another group for some time.

My DD goes to a local class. They don't have a uniform or do exams, but they support each other no matter what. They really do. I've seen it many times and it's always amazing to see. That's what I want DD to learn from an after-school club.

RyleDup · 03/12/2012 00:50

Outraged, I guess the child didn't know that the taking of that particular dress would incur the cost of £20. So I see your point there. But then again the parents should still take responsibility for that and make their child understand the consequences of their actions.
I understand that 7 yr olds can be brats, but what concerns me is why that child didn't get her dad to just fetch the costume out of the car for her. My dd is a brat, but I would really like to think she wouldn't be a brat like that and watch someone crying whilst she's wearing their clothes. I just don't think she would though, she would send her personal slave to go get hers out the car.
I don't think what this child did is typical (bratish) behaviour of a 7 yr old though. Do you?

BOFingSanta · 03/12/2012 00:55

I'd go absolutely fucking apeshit at the girl's parents, yes, and I understand about you wanting the video deleted too. It's very easy to be philosophical when it isn't your daughter crying her eyes out.

Original poster
Netmumsrule · 03/12/2012 00:55

RyleDup- I am still horrified 20 hours later. I never thought a 7 year old could be so calculating.

OP posts:
NapaCab · 03/12/2012 01:05

Netmumsrule I'd be upset too at what happened but I don't think you can do anything other than avoid the girl and her family in future and just tell your DD that she did a great job to keep going even though her costume was missing.

To think of it another way, it could be that the other girl has really awful parents who would have shouted at her if she had said she needed the costume from the car so she might have been too scared to ask her parents and thought it was easier to just take someone else's - 7-year old's have a different kind of logic!

Someone said upthread that you should go and get your DD's photo taken in her costume - that's a good idea to make her feel better about what happened. I guess she has now learned that some people in the world are just plain mean and there's not much you can do about it.

RyleDup · 03/12/2012 01:06

Its harsh op. It really is. There must be other reasons why that child did that. I guess though, you need to sit down and talk to your dd about why people do things like that. Sometimes other peoples behaviour and the things they do are out of your control. Which is a fact of life anyway, just one she's had to learn too young. Point out to her that she was a star for going ahead with the show anyway, that the girl obviously has some problems that are to be pitied rather than despised, and take her out somewhere amazing and show her she's the best dd a mother could have.

CaliforniaSucksSnowballs · 03/12/2012 01:47

I think the Dance teacher needs to have words with this child. It's her class and she must be quite serious and firm making sure this child knows what a horrible thing she did and how this kind of stealing behavior will not be tolerated. Maybe even impose some sort of punishment like missing a few lessons. (My boys sports teams have done this at this age as a punishment) or a recital. She knew exactly what she was doing thats why she was so nervous and didn't help look for the dress. If they let her get away with it, she will continue to think she is more important and can take what she likes duding these recitals.
I'd also ask the parents when I saw them, how is she going to be punished for this, or have they already punished her.

RedHelenB · 03/12/2012 08:07

Rationally, you'll see it is n't reasonable to have that bit on the dvd. My kids dance in shows & there have been times when someone didn't get on stage on time, the dvd wasn't deleted. To expect the dance teachers to get them into costumes is unrealistic but it might be an idea to organise some parent chaperones to help with dressing. And yes, the parents of the girl should make her apologise to your daughter & well done to her for going on regardless - as they say, the show must go on!!!

MummytoKatie · 03/12/2012 08:35

If the dress was for 2 performances and your dd wore it for one and the other girl for the other then I'd be requesting 50% of the cost from the parents. Haven't a clue if that is more or less than £20 but that is what she took so that is what they should pay.

bakedbeanqueen · 03/12/2012 08:55

I don't think you can ask for the money back as you would have had to have gone home anyway. However, your poor girl. She definitely deserves an apology. I don't think you've got a chance of getting the video deleted. Just don't buy it and try to make light of it as best you can

cory · 03/12/2012 09:07

The dance show seems badly organised. When I was a matron, we would be checking when every child arrived that they had their costume and if anything had been left in somebody's boot it would have been sorted then and there. Somebody would have been in charge of making sure that everybody was dressed in the correct costume well in advance of their entry. There were matrons, older children looking after the younger ones, somebody would have come up with a solution.

BOFingSanta · 03/12/2012 11:52

Indoubt youll get very far with the twenty quid, but I'd want the girl to be spoken to by the teacher, and to apologise in front of the whole class, seeing as how your daughter had to undergo the humiliation of performing upset with no costume in front of all those people. That seems proportionate to me. I'd want it treated seriously.

blanksquit · 03/12/2012 12:36

Yes I think that's really out of order but I don't see how you can ask them for the money.

I think she should be asked to apologise and it be at least made known to her that this is completely unacceptable.

7 is old enough to understand that we don't take things which don't belong to us.

She must have been aware that everybody was looking for the dress.

Journey · 03/12/2012 12:38

I'd be furious if a girl took my DD's costume. The girl who stole it saw how upset your DD was and still didn't admit she had your DD's costume on.

I'd want an apology from the parents and although I wouldn't expect the £20 back from the taxi I would tell them about it.

The girl who took your DD's costume sounds very nasty. Stealing a dress and knowing a little girl is upset about it shows she is spiteful.

I'd probably want the part of the video showing your DD crying in the show deleted to especially if you didn't get a sincere apology from the girl and her parents.

Pandemoniaa · 03/12/2012 12:44

I don't think you can ask the parents of the child that helped herself to your dd's dress for the taxi fare since leaving the costume at home was not their fault. You'd already discovered this had occurred and had taken the decision, yourself, to nip home and get it.

But I do question the organisation of the performance and the behaviour of the teacher. For starters, I am rather surprised that your dd was allowed onstage without the proper costume but actually, I am equally surprised that there's not some system to ensure everyone is dressed and ready in their own outfits. To tell you that your dd 'lost her dress' suggests an uninterested and uncaring attitude. At 7, a child is old enough to know that they don't simply help themselves to another child's dress but also, why is it such a muddle backstage?

I'd expect there to be consequences for the child who borrowed the dress. At the very least a serious telling-off but also, perhaps a suspension from dance class for a week or two?

Pandemoniaa · 03/12/2012 12:46

PS. I really don't think you can ask for the DVD to be deleted though. That's not fair on all the other children who performed and also helped to look for the missing costume. It could be edited sensitively though so it doesn't highlight your daughter's distress.

Brycie · 03/12/2012 12:49

miscellania, totally right, they should and apologise on their knees

what an unpleasant child

LoopsInHoops · 03/12/2012 13:00

If I were OP I would make sure the other parents knew about the money (through dance teacher) and expect an apology. I'd also write a letter of complaint to the dance school, possibly requesting the money.

If I were the other parents I would make my daughter apologise, give the money and tell DD she would have one less Christmas present.

If I were the dance teacher I'd be mortified. I would explain the situation to the other parents, making it clear that the decent thing would be to give the money back.

If I were the owner/manager of the dance school I'd apologise in writing and waive fees for the amount of money.

LoopsInHoops · 03/12/2012 13:02

Oh, and I love the award for 'the show must go on'. OP, if you want, email me the logo and name of the dance school, I'll knock up a certificate for you to print and give to teacher to sign and present (in front of all other parents if possible).

WileyRoadRunner · 03/12/2012 13:09

YABU to ask for the cab fare as that has little to do with what went on.

YANBU to have told the girl off, or her parents - in fact I would be expecting the dance teacher to intervene.

I can also see why you wou want the DVD edited so that it is not a permanent record of you dd feeling humiliated.

Brycie · 03/12/2012 13:17

Yes the parents should pay or the dance school especially should pay. Awful.

Brycie · 03/12/2012 13:25

I would leave the dance school and find another one. See how they like the loss of your money. This would leave a really bad, nasty taste in the mouth for me. After school activities should at least offer some kind of pastoral care and affection and boost confidence. This is horrible.

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 03/12/2012 13:33

These little girls are 7.

However you behave towards the other family will give your dd the lead on how to deal with tricky situations.

It sounds heartbreaking, watching your dd cry and miss out on her dance opportunity - but she will learn what tools she needs to get over this type of thing from you.

If you have a furious vendetta/grudge thing going on, she will learn that that is the way to go.

If, however, you calm down and commend your dd for her bravery, but perhaps wonder aloud whether other child was having a bad day or whatever or just say 'how sad little so-and-so hasn't learned that it's wrong to do this sort of thing yet, poor thing... Isn't it lucky you were so brave about it, and isn't it a shame other little girl is not so brave and didn't own up?'

Just saying, because really, we all want to teach our children about compassion and respect, and not holding unnecessarily onto bad stuff don't we?

Janeatthebarre · 03/12/2012 13:36

The little girl who took the dress was a naughty little brat who should get a right giving out to for her behaviour. However, the parents sound rude and heedless so maybe this little girl hasn't been particularly well brought up. I would ask the teacher to have a word with her and leave it at that.