to tell parents to reimburse me

[Netmumsrule]

My dd, 7, had a dance show yesterday and forgot her costume (dress). I was annoyed but as time was tight I paid £20 for a return cab to go home and get it as I did not want to let her and her dance team down.
She was wearing another costume for a dance she was doing before and when she went to change into her dress is was missing. Everyone in her class, apart from one who they thought was nervous before the dance,searched and she ended up going on stage being the only one without her costume. She cried throughout the performance but held it together as she did not want to let the others down.
When I saw her dress wasn;t on and she was crying I went to the side of the stage, asked the teacher why she wasn'r wearing it and got a reply' she lost it'.
I knew this could not have been the case and as soon as the dance ended my dd came to me-(she was also upset as she knew I made an effort to get a cab there and back when I had been ill).
I told her it wasn't her fault and then searched for it and then asked some of her classmates to check the labels. Well, the girl who did not help to find it had it on and when I asked her why she said she forgot hers and it was in her dads car boot. Her dad was watching the show so could have been found. I asked her why she took it and she didn't care and said 'it was there and I took it as mine is in the carboot.'
I told her it was a horrible thing and to return it and she took it off and didn't even apologise.
The dance teacher knows.
One parent told me, 'they are only children and I shouldn't make a big deal' but I think her behaviour is wrong.
A few other parents who heard were disgusted.
Should I tell the teacher to get the girls parents to give me my cab fare and should I ask the video of that dance is deleted as dd feels humiliated as is was crying throughout it and the only one in the whole show who was not in the correct costume? It is supposed to be going to 120 people approx.
As the dress was being looked for and dd was in tears I think it is a horrid experience for any child to have happen.
Am I over-protective?

[Brycie]

I really disagree with Scarletwoman. Tolerating and even respecting unpleasantness, unkindness, selfishness, lack of remorse?

No thanks. I would agree with my child that this girl is obviously badly brought up and SHE is the one who needs to learn something about life. I would also say that my child doesn't have to tolerate being treated badly by anyone and needs to be tough enough, emotionally and mentally, to make sure she isn't treated badly - not tough enough to put up with it when it (supposedly inevitably) happens.

[EverlongLovesHerChristmasRobin]

I can't make head nor tail of your OP OP

[Mosman]

This happened in dance class, so the dance school should deal with it, bring it up with however's in charge and make it clear your child expects it to be made up to her by whatever means are available.

[ModernToss]

I still don't know, given that there were two dances and two dresses, whether the one that was 'borrowed' was the one the OP had gone home to fetch, or the other one.

In any event, I agree with ScarletWoman. Be the bigger person, and teach your child that lesson.

[LettyAshton]

I have spent my whole life being the "bigger person" turning the other cheek, and I can tell you that you end up not being bigger, but flatter. In many cases, making a fuss is silly and unnecessary, and you can see the other person's reasoning. But in this instance the other child was clearly a cowardly thief. In my experience nasty 7-year-olds often become nasty grown-ups. Just as nasty old people were very likely to have been nasty in their 40s or whatever.

I would write to the dance school formally and without any reference to the £20 (which is the irrelevant part) state exactly what happened. I think they should ask this child to leave the dance school.

Btw, doesn't it sound like a story from a Mandy/Judy/Bunty magazine?!

[BridgetBidet]

It's plain stealing and then lying when she was asked to check her dress as well.

I would expect the dance school to speak to the parents, explain what happened and mention that you would like the cab fare/cost of the dress reimbursed to you and also an apology to you and your daughter from the girl in question.

To be honest if they are reasonable parents and they find out that this has happened I don't think they will be unamenable to this, I think I would certainly do it if my child was the one concerned. And if they're not prepared to do this I think that the dance school should ask her to go elsewhere for lessons. The other kids at the school shouldn't have to put up with the presence of a child who steals and lies like this unless her parents are prepared to nip this sort of behaviour in the bud.

Agree with others who have said don't ask for the video to be deleted, that's unfair on the other kids. But certainly the other stuff I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

[BridgetBidet]

And ScarletWoman, I think you are very wrong. I would like my children to learn that they should behave in an acceptable manner which does not hurt other people and that if they don't it will have consequences.

This isn't just a 'grudge', if this girl thinks that she can go around behaving like this with no consequences because people will turn the other cheek she's going to grow up into a horrible adult and make other people's lives unpleasant. It would be doing the other girl a disservice to let this go without consequences.

[FrequentFlyerRandomDent]

Poor DD.

I can see why you are gutted and what she is very sad.

But however we want to make things right as parents, our powers are limited.

The other girl was wrong to knowingly take someone else's outfit for a public performance.

Her parents know. The teacher knows. You have told the child. Other parents have heard what happened. It is published on MN, the other dance parents will recognise the event.

It is now in the past. For the future, I am sure your DD will watch her things like an hawk, not that it was her fault but I would be twice shy if I was in her shoes, and i can guess that you will not invite other child no your DD's party.

[EugenesAxeChoppedDownANiceTree]

Well it stinks, but on the whole I think YABU - I don't think it's fair that the girl's parents reimburse your taxi fee because you would have had to incur it even if your DD had ended up not having her dress nicked. It's a sunk cost - irrelevent (yes, I am a sad accountant). If the dance school were at fault for not realising what had happened then they should perhaps compensate, but ultimately I think you'd be reliant on their goodwill.

I am cross though at the girl's attitude and think her parents deserve to be told so they can teach her right and wrong. In an ideal world they would offer you an apology...

I also don't think it's fair for that dance to be deleted on the video - if your DD had been tiptop for it and you thought it was one of her best dance performances, how would you feel being told it wouldn't be included because another girl was upset? I'm sure you would be sorry, but also feel that your DD should not pay for circumstances that were out of her control.

BridgetBidet - I think you and ScarletWoman are both right. The girl who stole should be disciplined, but it would not hurt to teach the girl who was injured forgiveness and understanding either.

My crack is in pain from all this fence-sitting.

[Kalisi]

YANBU OP, I would be fucking fuming! I'd be fuming at myself for forgetting the costume in the first place, I'd be fuming at the other girl for taking the costume, I'd be fuming at the dance teacher for allowing your child to go on stage upset without a costume and I'd be furious at the parents for not even having to take responsibility for what happened.

All could probably be rectified by just a simple acknowledgement from all the relevant parties that what your poor daughter went through was not her fault. Would an apology be so hard? I don't blame you for being furious OP.

[CelineMcBean]

If I was the parent of the child who stole the costume I would be mortified and would apologize profusely and make my dd apologize too. There would also be a punishment. I would also insist on reimbursing the cab fare if I knew about that too although as op concedes it would be ur for her to expect it. However, there are two things that jump out at me: 1. The parents have not apologized 2. The child did not ask her parent to get her dress. My child would have no problem asking me for something she needed. She may be shy asking someone she didn't know but she would never be afraid of asking me. Both of those things suggest bad parenting or worse rather than a child with sociopathic tendencies.

That said, as the mother of the upset child I would be furious and would expect the dance teacher to take steps to resolve the issue by making sure it couldn't happen again and deleting the footage my visibly upset child. If possible I would think it could be refilmed so the other children and patents don't have to miss out.

[iismum]

I think it would be good to try to get the other girl to understand that what she did was wrong, but without demonising her or labelling a horrible little bitch. Taking the dress in the first place was very wrong - not asking her father for her dress either indicates she is lazy and thoughtless or else she has a pretty terrible relationship with her father. Obviously she should have owned up once people started looking for it, but I can imagine the situation may have seemed overwhelming and terrifying to her. Someone called her a coward - well, maybe, yes, but that is not unusual in a seven year-old. I can remember doing things I really shouldn't have when I was young and getting trapped in the lie and being terrified of what I had got myself into. Yes, she should be told this is wrong - but she may just be shy and anxious rather than selfish and horrible.

[KitchenandJumble]

I can absolutely understand why you and your DD are upset. Poor little thing, she must have been so unhappy to dance without her costume.

However, I don't think the parents should have to reimburse you for the taxi (and I see that you have also decided this wouldn't be reasonable). Nor would it be reasonable for the school to remove the video of the dance.

If I were the girl's parents, I would most certainly apologise to you and also insist the child apologise to your DD. I'd probably pull my child out of dance classes for a while as well.

The dance teacher has some responsibility here too. She should have checked all the costumes herself, and she should also have made certain your DD was O.K. before letting her go on stage. Why did they allow your DD to dance when she was clearly upset?

Having said that, I must say it's very disturbing to read posts demonising the little girl. Yes, she was wrong and should face the consequences of her actions. But she's a very young child who made a mistake. To call her "a thieving little bitch" is horrible. To label her "a budding sociopath" is patently absurd.

[merrymouse]

If you think there is lack of discipline at the dance school or that your daughter is at risk of having more costumes stolen, discuss with the teacher and find out what she plans to do to make sure the situation doesn't happen again.

It sounds as though you have already expressed your feelings to the girl. To be honest, she may have been acting dishonestly, but at 7 I can quite imagine taking the wrong costume by mistake and then being too scared to admit it, particularly if there were adults on the rampage. If she turns to a life of crime, that is her parents' problem, not yours.

The £20 is irrelevant.

[ThatVikRinA22]

i think i would be expecting something more from the dance teacher to be honest - this is her show, her dance school, she should surely be setting some rules and sorting out problems as they occur?

i dont think yabu to be so upset about it - i would have been. The girl who took the dress needs to understand what her actions meant to your DD, and her parents need to deal with that, and so does the dance teacher. She surely needs to know that stealing another childs costume is not on! id be furious.

[camdancer]

I'd be more furious with the dance teacher tbh. There is no way anyone should be onstage without their costume. I know things get fraught near to curtain up, but she needs to have some helpers to make sure things like this are sorted out without some poor child going onstage without a costume. Really, really dreadful. Was there a dress rehearsal before the show or anything like that? Or even just cast photos? That is where these things should be sorted out. Not left to a group of 7 year olds to sort out.

It is sad that the other girl felt she couldn't tell someone that her costume was in her dad's car still. I wonder who she is scared of.

[Wheresmypopcorn]

Don't think you should tell the child she did a horrible thing - surely that is up to the parents? I do think you have the right to be upset but stuff happens. Why not take your DD out for a special celebration lunch to celebrate 'holding it all together' when things go wrong? Maybe you can get them to cut out any closeups of your DD out of the video but asking them to delete the whole thing is just overreacting.

[Crinkle77]

YABU you forgot the dress so would have had to get a cab to pick it up anyway.

[SoupDragon]

You obviously can't ask the parents for the taxi fare but, if I were them, I would certainly be offering to pay it as well as hauling my DD over the coals for her bad behaviour.

[justmyview]

Has anyone else seen the film "Carnage" with Kate Winslet & Jodie Foster? It starts off a bit like this ........... a brilliant film

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

Do the parents of the other girl even know this happened? It isn't clear.

[Netmumsrule]

I am not 100% sure if they do know. tbh I would have expected them to have been contacted by now. Class is on Friday so maybe the cheerleading teacher is waiting to see if I bring it up again or maybe she will.
I will let you all know what happens and thank you all for taking your time to reply. Is can be easy to overthink when dd has gone to bed so you have all helped me.

[Caerlaverock]

This is why dd doesn't do dance, dance parents are barking