to tell parents to reimburse me

[Netmumsrule]

My dd, 7, had a dance show yesterday and forgot her costume (dress). I was annoyed but as time was tight I paid £20 for a return cab to go home and get it as I did not want to let her and her dance team down.
She was wearing another costume for a dance she was doing before and when she went to change into her dress is was missing. Everyone in her class, apart from one who they thought was nervous before the dance,searched and she ended up going on stage being the only one without her costume. She cried throughout the performance but held it together as she did not want to let the others down.
When I saw her dress wasn;t on and she was crying I went to the side of the stage, asked the teacher why she wasn'r wearing it and got a reply' she lost it'.
I knew this could not have been the case and as soon as the dance ended my dd came to me-(she was also upset as she knew I made an effort to get a cab there and back when I had been ill).
I told her it wasn't her fault and then searched for it and then asked some of her classmates to check the labels. Well, the girl who did not help to find it had it on and when I asked her why she said she forgot hers and it was in her dads car boot. Her dad was watching the show so could have been found. I asked her why she took it and she didn't care and said 'it was there and I took it as mine is in the carboot.'
I told her it was a horrible thing and to return it and she took it off and didn't even apologise.
The dance teacher knows.
One parent told me, 'they are only children and I shouldn't make a big deal' but I think her behaviour is wrong.
A few other parents who heard were disgusted.
Should I tell the teacher to get the girls parents to give me my cab fare and should I ask the video of that dance is deleted as dd feels humiliated as is was crying throughout it and the only one in the whole show who was not in the correct costume? It is supposed to be going to 120 people approx.
As the dress was being looked for and dd was in tears I think it is a horrid experience for any child to have happen.
Am I over-protective?

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

OP, I understand that she was "nervous" because she was wearing your dd's dress. I'm still concerned that this little girl didn't feel able to say to her daddy that hers was still in the car.

But I am also aware that right at the moment I'm a bit sensitive about little girls being scared of their daddy if they're (girls) not perfectly well-behaved, so I may be making too much of this.

[RyleDup]

Actually I agree with misscellainia. Its not a separate issue and the parents should pay for the cab. The only thing that would stop me asking, is the reason she did it in the first place. Its unusual behaviour and not something that I would expect my dd to do. Which makes me wonder if its a behaviour thats learnt from her parents. Even though it was a shitty thing to do, something in the back of my mind would worry that the girl would get a very hard time from her parents for costing them £20 in a cab fare. Maybe I'm overthinking it, you obviously would know the family a little better?

[Netmumsrule]

cumfy, I got a cab home, brought the dress, and went back.

I gave the dress to dd 5 minutes before the show started.

2 dances, 2 different classes dd attends so dress was needed for 2nd dance. Other girl took it from dd had left it in changing area.

[zipzap]

Whilst I know it would be unreasonable to ask for the cab fare for getting the dress from the other parents, the way they and their dd have behaved in this fiasco - the dd believing she was entitled to the dress that was sitting there even though it wasn't hers when she could have sent a message to her df to get it for her easily enough, or the parents not being bothered to do say anything about it - well, it would make me want to ask for it.

Or maybe that's wrong - I would have told them about the cab fare. And then I would have asked them to pay for the costume that their dd wore as your dd didn't wear it in the show that you had bought it for (I'm assuming that the dress costs more than the cab fare). And hoped they would have the decency to cough up for both of them - as their child has ruined your child's evening. These are the things that get remembered through time, especially if you are the one who had her dress nicked. Point out that if their dd had been normal and not an entitled little madam that stole a dress that didn't belong to her (do you reckon she would have kept it if you hadn't discovered that she was wearing it?) and showed no contrition on getting caught, then they wouldn't be in this position that is embarrassing for everyone.

Then use the money to pay for a nice portrait of dd in one of her other favourite dancing dresses (guessing she isn't going to want a reminder of this one!) or to take her on a nice treat somewhere.

if you don't get the money from them - then you haven't lost anything but you've shown your dd that you tried to do something and you see that it was important to her. Hopefully the dd will have learnt a lesson about not stealing taking stuff that doesn't belong to you and the drama teacher will have some better system in place next time if people forget costumes so that they all get checked in at the start so there is time for dads to run back to the car or mums to jump in taxis or whatever.

And get the ballet teacher to put a note on the video (assuming they have some sort of credits on?) to give your dd the 'show must go on' award for carrying on regardless of her costume being borrowed so she wasn't able to wear it...

[piprabbit]

OP and her DD forgot the dress.
OP dashed around, caught a cab and was able to get the dress to the show in time for the performance. Cue much relief, happy OP and happy DD.

But DD never got a chance to wear the dress, because the other girl then half-hinched it for herself, despite it being labelled with DD's name and quite clearly not the other girl's. The other girl knew she had left her own dress in her dad's car.

[OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos]

The cab fare is a separate issue because it is unrelated to the fact that the girl took the dress. She could have taken the dress if OP had remembered it in the first place, or she could have taken the dress from someone else who's Mum hadn't just had to pay a cab fare.

The child can be blamed for taking the dress, and her parents are responsible for the upset caused, but they aren't responsible for the cab fare because that is unrelated to what their child did.

[OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos]

An award for 'The show must go on' is an excellent idea zipzap!

I think that's definitely worth suggesting to the teacher, especially as it woudo result in your dd getting 'public' praise and the other child having some kind of embarrassment as a consequence for her nasty actions.

[HollaAtMeBaby]

Unbelievable! But as others have said, the thieving little bitch other little girl would have taken the dress whether or not you had gone back in the cab for it. Did you confront her parents? Did they say anything? Their child is clearly a budding sociopath, I would have insisted on an apology on the spot.

Why didn't the teacher check the name tags in the dresses before they all went on stage when it became clear that one dress was missing? I would complain about this.

Otherwise, use the incident to teach your DD that some people are not nice and it's important to look after your things.

[CuriousMama]

That's so for you dd.

The parents need telling but I wouldn't hold my breath.

[RyleDup]

I dont agree outraged. Just because the parents arent aware that the op had to go to a lot of effort to fetch the dress, doesn't make them not responsible. Because ultimately the only dress available to the girl should have been her own dress. But she chose to take someone elses. She could have chosen girl A's dress, that had no cost attached to it, or she could have chosen girl B's dress, that had £20 attached to it. As she shouldn't have taken either, then the cost shouldn't come into it. But as she chose to take the one that that did have a cost attached to it, then really, that should be paid for. Because ultimately, she should have just got her dad to go and fetch her own dress. The reason why she didnt is another story no doubt.

[Bossybritches22]

Difficult one- maybe lessons to be learnt that all these costumes/kits etc need to be in labelled bags & the children take responsibility for their own kits?

Also that the teacher should be checking well before the performance that everyone has a costume (their own)

If my child was in tears during a performance I'd want her to know she was allowed to come off , the teacher should (IMHO) have let her not perform in distress.

(( Oldlady))

[lisad123]

Your poor dd those dance shows are manic but really it's the dance teachers job and helpers to have found the dress.
The little madam who took your dd dress sounds horrible. I would be having serious words with the parents, it's awful behaviour

[OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos]

The parents are responsible for the fact their their child thinks its ok to take something that isn't hers, and they are responsible for the fact that they didn't ensure their child had her own dress, but they are not responsible for the fact that OP forgot to give her dd her dress, they are not responsible for the fact that OP chose to go back and get it, and they are not responsible for the fact that OP had to use a taxi instead of using her own car or getting a lift.

The horrible child didn't know there was a price attached to one dress and not another, so she didn't choose to take a dress with a price attached at all.

[Viviennemary]

That child stole your child's dress. It was not a mistake. She knew the dress wasn't hers. Don't know about refunding your taxi fare though. Because it was your fault you forgot the dress. I think I'd find a different dance class with nicer people.

[WilsonFrickett]

A 7 year old is both a thieving little bitch and a budding sociopath holla? really?

Or maybe just a little girl who's parents CBA to sort out her costume, who panicked and then got herself into a situation she couldn't get out of?

Op I totally understand your frustrations. But I would save your anger for the lack of support And supervision backstage. I bet you pay enough in fees for the school to expect that someone's in charge backstage.

[MyNutcrackerSuiteAudrina]

Your poor DD! Some people have no conscience so don't waste your time in that respect. Your child didn't steal anyone else's costume. Make that known.

I love the "show must go on" award idea. Really ramp that up if you can. It's an amazing achievement and she should be applauded for it. She is probably too young to know that it's the real spirit of performance so buy / record a few classic musicals on DVD to show her and be proud of her

[Netmumsrule]

viviennemary, dd has been there 18 months and has made some good friends. The brat is fairly new.
Although I feel the teacher made a mistake, I cannot fault her teaching.
The dress had her name on the label- the girls were all told to check they were wearing the correct one and the brat lied.

[RyleDup]

No, but thats the point outraged, if she hadn't have taken it there wouldn't have been a problem. You don't need to know that theres a cost involved if you don't take something thats not yours in the first place.
Ok, put it another way, if what if was your dd that had knowingly taken the dress, rather than ask you to fetch hers from the car. And knowing the effort the op went to in order to get her dd's dress for her. Would you offer to pay that cab fare or not?

[RyleDup]

Oh netmum, I know you're feeling crap about it, but please don't call her a brat. That doesn't sit well with me. She's only 7 too.

[OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos]

If my child had done that I'd be offering to pay for more than the cab fare, I cannot even begin to imagine the shame and embarrassment of having my child do something that awful.

But I think I'd pay the cab fare because I was sorry and because I'd be desperate to do anything possible to try to make up for it, not because I think my child would have been to blame for costing the OP taxi money.

Like you say, if the child hadn't taken the dress there wouldn't have been a problem. But the taxi would have needed paying whether or not the child took the dress. The taxi didn't need paying as a consequence of nasty child's actions.

[MidniteScribbler]

I'd be wanting to know what the dance teacher is going to do about this, as ultimately it is her responsibility to make sure that all the students are dressed in their own clothing and ready to go on stage. I've been involved in dance all of my life, and there is no way that this other child should have needed to take another costume, as everything should be checked as the children arrive to make sure the have everything they need, and they should be dressed and prepared well in advance of the performance to give them time to sort out issues like this. Dance teacher should also keep a couple of spare costumes on hand, because you never know what can happen (not just people forgetting, but last minute rips, accidents, etc). I'd be wanting to know that better procedures were put in place for future performances so that this situation doesn't occur again.

I also think that there should be some punishment for the other child. A dance troupe is a team, and by doing this, she has seriously broken the trust of other members of the team and put the team at risk. She should be required to sit out any further performances (if there are more than one), or some other appropriate form of punishment (sweeping the dance studio, packing away chairs, whatever is appropriate for your studio) until she has earned the respect of her teammates back.

[OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos]

Seven year olds can be brats. At seven, they know its wrong to take something that belongs to someone else, and if they choose to do something they know is wrong and they know is going to cause distress for someone else, they also choose the consequence.

[Viviennemary]

There's not much you can do about it now but put it behind you and warn your DD to be wary of this child in future. And the teacher should be alert as well. She is quite obviously not to be trusted. And the parents attitude is poor as well. Not even apologising. I'd be very annoyed too.

[Viviennemary]

Just to add if I was the teacher I'd ask that child to leave and find another class. Sorry if this sounds harsh but she should learn actions have consequences.

[piprabbit]

Midnite - I think you are right.

The other girl's action had a huge consequence for the OPs DD - even if she didn't realise it at the time of choosing to take the dress.
She needs to understand that actions have consequences, and I think she needs to suffer a consequence of her own to make sure she learns the lesson.