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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to be a bit upset because my friend doesn't want her kids to believe in Father Christmas?

114 replies

loverofwine · 01/12/2012 18:50

seems to me letting your child believe there is a little magic in this miserable world is a good thing.

I can't get over why I feel upset that my very good, very old friend has decided that this fantasy is not for her kids.

Help me see reason please

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 01/12/2012 18:51

I think it's a bit weird but its nothing to do with you

LindyHemming · 01/12/2012 18:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LilQueenie · 01/12/2012 18:57

Is she bringing them up to know where kids are from too? I mean at an early age or the tooth fairy or easter bunny? I often wonder if people who dont want kids to believe in santa are athiests.

chickensarmpit · 01/12/2012 18:59

Her choice but why would anyone take something so magical away from a child?

A parent from my little girls school is exactly the same. She told her children the truth, which is fair enough. But then that child went into her classroom and announced it in front of all the other kids. The mother just shrugged and said kids shouldn't be lied to. I could of swung for her.
Luckily i convinced by daughter that he was real and she can't wait to see santa.

Original poster
loverofwine · 01/12/2012 18:59

She's an atheist but so am I. It is absolutely nothing to do with me but I'm stupidly upset by it. Need to get a grip (me not her)

OP posts:
WelshMaenad · 01/12/2012 19:00

It's her choice. My friends do the same. They are respectful of my choice to perpetuate the myth and would never shatter the illusion for my two.

Horses for courses. They seem a bit baffled by my choice to "lie" but we all parent in different ways, eh?

StrawberryTot · 01/12/2012 19:02

YANBU to feel upset but I wouldn't confront her about her choices (just a note I'm not saying you would). My dc's believe in Santa but he by no means gets credit for all the pressies! He is the keeper of presents, whom when on Christmas Eve fetches all the presents that mum & dad have worked hard to save and buy. Call me mean but Santa sure as hell ain't getting all the credit for my slogging Grin

Startail · 01/12/2012 19:03

My parents were. No God, no Father Christmas, we had the tooth fairy, but I guess I always knew it was mum.

None of this has ever bothered me in the least, nor has it stopped me thinking Christmas is a magical time of the year.

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 01/12/2012 19:04

Why do you feel upset?

It upsets me because...

Think through why you're upset and you'll be able to be more rational about it.

Gentleness · 01/12/2012 19:05

There's plenty of 'real' magic in the world without Santa though - awe and wonder and amazing people and places. We're going to tell our dc that it's sometimes really fun to pretend something exists and lots of people do that about Santa. But Christmas time for us will be all about our family and loving and giving and sharing and just as magical. Seems to me that a lot of Santa magic is about receiving.

Acandlelitshadow · 01/12/2012 19:07

Each to their own.

So long as she's mindful the kids don't stomp all over everyone else's magic I can't see a problem.

Original poster
loverofwine · 01/12/2012 19:08

...because I believe that we have to live in some sort of fantasy world to get through the real one.... and also that she is missing out. Hearing one of mine when he discovered FC had actually arrived on Christmas morning was one of the lovliest moments of my life so far. The sound of joy, wonder and excitement was just amazing

OP posts:
sparklyjumper · 01/12/2012 19:08

Well, I'm actually feeling a bit silly creating this myth of Santa for ds. I actually feel like a bit of a fraud making up stories when I usually try to be as honest as possible so I think yabu.

TryDrawingAPicture · 01/12/2012 19:09

I see what you're saying about atheists and seeing father christmas as just another silly superstition but I think it is a more complicated issue.

I'd imagine most religious or spiritual people would say that they believe their deity really exists. If an adult really believed Santa exists, people would be a bit more Hmm

It depends how your friend is looking at it. Some people have a reasonable concern that telling their children something which they know to be a lie is a precedent that should be carefully set, if at all. You know that it's her choice to make. Christmas is such a generally lovely and festive time, I'm sure your friend's kids won't miss out on the overall magic and excitement.

sparklyjumper · 01/12/2012 19:09

And I agree with a pp that while believing in Santa is brilliant fun, there are lots wonderful and magical real things in the world if you only look for them.

TidyDancer · 01/12/2012 19:12

I find it sad when people are like your friend, OP, but unfortunately it is her choice and you have to respect that. I pretty much feel the way you do. I simply do not understand the reasoning behind taking away this harmless piece of magic and imagination from LOs.

Angelico · 01/12/2012 19:18

^
What TidyDancer said.

CailinDana · 01/12/2012 19:18

I won't be doing Santa with my DS (he's 2 so wouldn't get it yet anyway) but will make sure to tell him that other children believe in him and that he's not to say he's not real. We'll have the story of Santa and the visit at the shopping centre etc but I won't be saying he's real.

InNeedOfBrandyButter · 01/12/2012 19:22

I would feel sad for their dc to. It really does take the magic of christmas away.

CheeseStrawWars · 01/12/2012 19:24

I was explaining to DD about the Mars Rover yesterday; explaining to her that there right now, there was a robot on another planet, which people put there. We watched videos on YouTube - in her face, in her eyes, that was amazing and magical, and actually, I think so too.

I don't understand why anyone would care whether or not I choose to indoctrinate my kids into a mythical fantasy or not... I don't think any longitudinal studies have been done which show that not believing in FC damages/impedes the development of imagination or capacity for wonder. When there is, I'll reconsider.

LifeIsButtercream · 01/12/2012 19:27

My 3yr old DD has sussed that Santa isn't real (she is Little Miss Curious and Suspicious...........) because the two that we went to see had 'different beards' and didn't look like the ones in pictures. TBH I've never pushed the 'he's real' thing to her, but not told her that he isn't IYSWIM - just let her make her own mind up.

We still leave out a mince pie, and send a letter to Santa, all that fun stuff, she is giddy with excitement about Christmas, I know that it's still magical for her and she'll love it and have a brilliant time, and I'm sure your friend's children will do too. My parents never tried to make me think that Santa was real, and in my 30's, I'm still probably the biggest Christmas-nut you'll ever meet!

There is more too the magic of Christmas than Santa.

earlyriser · 01/12/2012 19:30

The thing is, you can do 'santa' without actually lying outright to your children. they pick up most of the myths from their friends/outside influences.

I don't think i have really lied to mine about it but they still believe. Father Christmas (or santa in this house) does see who is naughty or nice (something they picked up from nursery) because it is ME and i see EVERYTHING Grin.

Santa does bring presents (again it is me, i never try and convince them it is a man in a red coat and white beard, they just seem to BELIEVE these things)

I guess i am lying in the fact i don;t actively tell them the truth, but most of what they know about santa hasn't come from me.

CailinDana · 01/12/2012 19:32

I agree Life and Cheese. I sussed pretty early that Santa wasn't real but my mother insisted he was, which left me totally confused and annoyed. It spoiled Christmas for me in many ways as I had to play along with something I knew was total bollocks (I was a very serious, literal child). I was bloody relieved when we could all stop the stupidity and just be normal.

I know my own children might not feel the same way about the whole thing but I would rather Santa was a fun story rather than an elaborate lie. It seems more fun that way to me - pretending is great fun, lying is pointless. We'll do the mince pie and the reindeer malarkey but it'll be all pretend.

MammaTJ · 01/12/2012 19:33

I live my whole life trying to believe in magic, why take it away from the kids?

Sorry, can't help!! I think your friend is wrong!!

AMumInScotland · 01/12/2012 19:35

Christmas can be fun and "magical" without needing made up stories. Your child would have been full of joy and excitement if the postman had turned up on Christmas morning with his presents, once it had been hyped up as an exciting day.

Opening a door on the advent calendar is magical. Decorating the tree is magical. Making and decorating cakes or cookies is magical. Unwrapping presents is magical. Having your family around you and all having a good time together is magical.

Father Christmas is a nice add-on, but it's not the main event.

Some people choose not to join in with this particular bit of make-believe because they think it is lying.

Some people choose not to join in because they believe that Christmas is about the birth of Christ, which is a much bigger piece of "magic" than one particular saint a few centuries later, or because they want to teach their child about teir religion and don't want ot have to explain later why one set of unprovable things is something they actually believe while another set was something they told them in just the same way but were not bing honest about.

Oh and some people's DC get so freaked by the idea of someone coming into the house at night while they are asleep that it seems better to 'fess up rather than try to cntinue with an untruth which is causing harm rather than "magic".

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