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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

..to be a bit upset because my friend doesn't want her kids to believe in Father Christmas?

114 replies

loverofwine · 01/12/2012 18:50

seems to me letting your child believe there is a little magic in this miserable world is a good thing.

I can't get over why I feel upset that my very good, very old friend has decided that this fantasy is not for her kids.

Help me see reason please

OP posts:

CailinDana · 01/12/2012 19:36

I know my hang ups play big part in my feelings about the whole thing btw. My uncle who was a nice man but a rubbish parent used to use Santa as a threat for his children all the time, which meant that they had huge anxiety around the whole thing. I was a few years older than them and I longed to tell them that he wasn't real and he couldn't actually see what they were doing but of course I couldn't because I knew I'd get in serious trouble. So for them Santa was just a big nasty monster who threatened constantly to withhold Christmas. It was awful for them and lazy parenting on my Uncle's part.

Bagofspiders · 01/12/2012 19:39

I'm on the fence about it to be honest. My DSis is very OTT about the whole thing IMO and it almost becomes a strain to maintain the fiction, her DS is 6 1/2 now and she still constantly tells him that Santa is real. I'm not sure if he believes her or not but I do wonder if he'll be able to trust that she's telling the truth when it comes to other issues.
We do Santa but everyone'll be aware that it's more of a story that the truth. I plan on telling DS that some people believe that he is real, some people don't & let him come to his own conclusion,

curiousuze · 01/12/2012 19:43

Do you perhaps suffer from depression, if you think the world is such a dreadful place without making up stories about magic? If so i hope you feel better soon. Because the world can be a pretty wonderful place just as it is.

So I think YABU.

CailinDana · 01/12/2012 19:47

I think that's going a bit far curiousuze. I can understand why parents do the Santa thing, but I do think it's a bit silly to suggest that Christmas will lose its magic without it. Christmas is great fun for children no matter what they believe in. I used to still wake up at 5am (and drag my extremely lazy, supposedly santa-believing younger sister out of bed) when I was 11/12 and didn't believe in Santa at all. It was still exciting and fun.

I'm curious - if people believe that not believing in Santa spoils the magic of Christmas, does that mean they also believe that children who find out the truth suddenly don't like/enjoy Christmas any more?

forgetmenots · 01/12/2012 19:56

I think the people who really support Santa are those who (generally) had lovely childhood Christmasses and remember how magical the idea of this present giving man was! I don't want to cause offence there but that's been my expeience. It's not that Santa supporters think Christmas is any less withotu Santa, or they like 'lying', it's that they want to carry on a tradition or event that they loved as children. That's how I feel, anyway.

I find it strange that people get upset about Santa but not about any other traditions or customs people might hold dear! But I know my DH (who never had Santa) finds the whole idea weird. I will of course be doing the whole Santa works with our DCs and will hopefully convert DH!

forgetmenots · 01/12/2012 19:57

Sorry for dodgy, dodgy typing...

CailinDana · 01/12/2012 19:58

What other traditions or customs do you mean forgetmenots?

curiousuze · 01/12/2012 20:02

Didn't mean to be extreme - she genuinely sounded depressed to me.

HappyTurquoise · 01/12/2012 20:04

Well, both Dh and I are the youngest of our siblings and were told 'when the last one stops believing, then Santa will stop visiting' and were pressured (by siblings) into lying about believing when we didn't want to. It turned it into something all about getting, not giving. So that's really why we didn't want to get too much into a charade. We do still have stockings, and used to throw porridge and glitter for the reindeer landings, but we have always said we pretend that Santa comes, and that it's a story, with a history. It's not quite how other people want to do it, and we've always tried to explain how most families are much better than us at pretending, and they like it if their children really believe the story, as it adds to the whole Christmas experience and magic for them.

strumpetpumpkin · 01/12/2012 20:04

I cannot fathom why on earth it would upset you.

The sooner my kids stop believing, the better

strumpetpumpkin · 01/12/2012 20:05

but then i find christmas a chore and stressful

forgetmenots · 01/12/2012 20:05

Just anything, Cailin - tooth fairies, Easter bunnies, good luck pennies, four-leaf clovers, through to individual family things (my granny told me she had a pixie in her garden). I'm pretty live and let live about anything a child believes in or their parents pass to them and wouldn't judge (including not passing on things like Santa, btw). I just find it strange that this one in particular provokes real anger and division in people - like curiouze's post, which I find bizarre. OP is being slightly U about judging her friend, but as long as no one spoils it for her DCs, I see no problem either way. (Love Santa....)

forgetmenots · 01/12/2012 20:06

Sorry curiousuze, x posted - didn't see your second post, fair play

curiousuze · 01/12/2012 20:11

No problem forgetmenots - on re-reading I can see how my post came across as sarky, and I shouldn't be diagnosing people over the Internet. It was the OP's third comment that flagged up 'depression' to me.

Bosgrove · 01/12/2012 20:12

My DSis has chosen to that her children have never done Father Christmas, they hang up a sack which is filled with morning presents.

Her reason is that she remembers how upset she was when she discovered that our parents had lied to her and that Father Christmas wasn't real. She then found it hard to believe what they told her about other things.

Being a younger sister I have never believed, (or at least can't remember a time that I did believe)

It has made it a bit hard with my three when we are together at Christmas, I have adopted a if they ask I will tell the truth, so my DS (age 7) doesn't believe, but DD1 (age 5) and DD2 (age 3) do. So far from the girls, when they have asked me if he is real, I ask them what they think, and the answer I have got is "He is, because he came to school and told us he was real"

JeanBodel · 01/12/2012 20:13

To my kids, the world isn't miserable, it's wonderful (my kids are very young, obviously!).

Happy children don't need to 'live in some sort of fantasy world to get through the real one'. That's something unhappy people do.

Not meaning to be harsh to the OP, but it sounds as though the upset feelings you have are probably over something deeper than whether or not your friend does the Santa thing.

forgetmenots · 01/12/2012 20:14

Understood - after I read your second and I looked back again it made sense - sorry (would offer to pull a cracker with you but it's too early and after Strictly I've had my fill of bad gags for one night )

forgetmenots · 01/12/2012 20:16

That story (your DSis) actually makes a lot of sense to me bosgrove. A different perspective!

CailinDana · 01/12/2012 20:20

FWIW forgetmenots we won't be doing any of those things either. I suppose the difference with Santa is that it's such a huge thing, much bigger than the tooth fairy or Easter bunny.

What really got to me as a child was that there was this supposed magical being who could go all around the world in one night and yet he couldn't do anything to help the people who really needed it - people in natural disasters and wars and such. When I asked my mother about it she said he could only do it on Christmas Eve so I suggested that it would be better in that case for parents to do the presents (oh the irony!) and for Santa to do more important work with his magical powers. It just seemed absolutely stupid to me that such power was being wasted on delivering bikes and dollies. My mother didn't really have an answer for that. I had a very scientific, literal way of thinking as a child (still do I suppose) and the whole Santa thing just annoyed me. I was actually relieved when I found out he wasn't real because it made so much more sense, although then I had the conundrum of why my mother had bothered lying to me for so long.

I suppose it makes sense for people who didn't have a particularly good experience of Santa/Christmas growing up not to be into the whole thing, as you say, forgetmenots. It would be hard for me to pretend he was real when it got on my own nerves so much as a child.

curiousuze · 01/12/2012 20:21

Forgetmenots I am still recovering from a couple of Brucie's jokes myself...

TartyMcTart · 01/12/2012 20:26

So if you "do" Santa without lying to your children, what do you say to them when they ask outright if he's real? and often at the most unexpected moments

forgetmenots · 01/12/2012 20:27

That makes sense Cailin, not far off my DH's perspective although his mind has changed somewhat (not down to my nagging, honest). I think it's totally fine you've chosen not to do it, and your logic is sound (why I think the OP is being a wee bit U). I just find the hostility against people who are doing it as nothing more than 'I enjoyed this as a child, maybe you will too' a bit much - it's not (for me) about lying or forcing it on children but just trying to do something fun. It may or may not work out :)

curiousuze my new game is to watch Tess's frozen horror during their joint bits, cracks me up...

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/12/2012 20:29

Although Cailin I suppose the question then becomes, why don't human beings do more about suffering and disaster instead of spending all that effort on Christmas. FWIW, I'm watching this with interest. DD is one and we are trying to decide whether to do the Santa thing. DH is against it because it's lying and I am on the fence because I am an atheist and worry about saying that one beard in the sky is real when I know it to be false and not the other.

forgetmenots · 01/12/2012 20:29

tarty depends on the question. My mum used to ask me what I thought, never really answered it but let me believe as long as I wanted to (not that long really as it turned out, but I was the eldest so I got to play along for a few more years...).

MarianneM · 01/12/2012 20:35

I have no plans to teach my DDs (aged 4 and 2) to believe in Father Christmas. I don't think Christmas is about presents either. I tell my daughters Christmas is the birthday of baby Jesus.

They seem fine with that.

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