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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to be a bit upset because my friend doesn't want her kids to believe in Father Christmas?

114 replies

loverofwine · 01/12/2012 18:50

seems to me letting your child believe there is a little magic in this miserable world is a good thing.

I can't get over why I feel upset that my very good, very old friend has decided that this fantasy is not for her kids.

Help me see reason please

OP posts:
Dominodonkey · 01/12/2012 23:50

I am almost certain that my DC's never actually believed he existed

I don't know anybody who didn't believe that Santa was real....

TheEnglishWomanInTheAttic · 01/12/2012 23:55

MrsTerryPratchet the difference for me is that when your DC come to the point where they choose to challenge you, you have a giggle together and admit Father Christmas and the Toth Fairy are just fairy tales for little children... There is a complicity in the act of being found out - unlike with religion where a child questioning a parent's version of the truth often brings confrontation, disappointment, rejection, cold disillusionment, criticism and judgement...

TheEnglishWomanInTheAttic · 01/12/2012 23:55
  • Tooth

Disclaimer - personal experience only !

Original poster
loverofwine · 02/12/2012 00:08

Just so you know (for any who might be concerned) I am the OP and I stand firm by my belief that there needs to be magic in the world. FC/Santa is part of this as far as I am concerned.

However I am a manic depressive (tho absolutely not depressed at the moment) and I stand up to the charge of being a little bit mad. Frankly I think it is the only way to be.

Let's all celebrate Christmas in the way we see fit but in this house father C (and the tooth fairy) continue to abide and long may it continue

OP posts:
MadameCreeper · 02/12/2012 00:25

Dominodonkey yup. It's madness to me.

Inlaws have a small family who all live in the same area. There are several generations who have always gathered around the same house. Maybe it seemed more reasonable to say that every present came from Santa??

My family is very different.

Pictureperfect · 02/12/2012 00:58

Forgetmenot "I think the people who really support Santa are those who (generally) had lovely childhood Christmasses and remember how magical the idea of this present giving man was! I don't want to cause offence there but that's been my expeience. It's not that Santa supporters think Christmas is any less withotu Santa, or they like 'lying', it's that they want to carry on a tradition or event that they loved as children. That's how I feel, anyway. "

I had wondered that too, I always wonder when people don't do it if they believed and enjoyed as a child. I'm one of the lucky ones and it was so exciting, such a special time that only lasts a little while. My mum would deflect questions as I got older and still insists on not saying he is isn't real but instead it's up to you what you believe. Someone said its all about getting presents but its the magic I remember more (as well as other Christmas magic)

Cahoootz · 02/12/2012 01:56

I am a bit Xmas Confused Xmas Shock at this thread. Does this mean that my poor unbelieving DC did not have special and magical Xmas'es and that they were unlucky to not truely believe Xmas Sad

......Well it certainly didn't feel that way, they always seemed to be super excited and to enjoy every second. Xmas Wink Xmas Wink Xmas Wink Xmas Wink Xmas Wink Xmas Wink

When my DC were young we lived in a country where is usually snowed at Xmas and where you could buy enormous Xmas tree's, maybe that made up for their otherwise unmagical Xmas'es. Xmas Grin

I never thought to persuade them that father Xmas was either real or not real and I didnt particularly care either way. (obviously!) It is more a case that they just played along with him being real without actually thinking it. IYSWIM.

TheElfOnThePanopticon · 02/12/2012 09:36

I'm actually pretty shocked that so many people seem to feel that without a literal belief in Father Christmas there is no magic to Christmas, and I feel a little bit sorry for them because while believing in Father Christmas us quite fun, I think that it's far more join a massive shared game of let's pretend and making other people happy.

PeggyCarter · 02/12/2012 11:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

forgetmenots · 02/12/2012 11:52

I certainly wouldn't insist or think tha joyful as it's not true, and I think the people who may have expressed views like that have already clarified them. But I do find it equally strange when people are so hostile to the idea, I won't patronise you by feeling sorry for you as you're entitled to your view and I'm sure you will have a wonderful Christmas.

That said, I sttill stand by my earlier view that the people who enjoyed it (didn't find it excruciating like joyful or traumatic like bosgrove's dsis) are just trying to give their kids a similar happy memory and I cannot see the harm in that. They shouldn't be 'upset' when others don't buy into their idea of fun but they are entitled to do it and try to give their kids the Christmas they think they will enjoy. Equally if people are uncomfortable with it (or any other form of pretending, as cailin eloquently mentioned) it's simple - don't do it, but don't judge or pity others who do and may have fun with their children doing so.

SirBoobAlot · 02/12/2012 11:54

You can have a magical Christmas without convincing children it is down to a fat man in a red suit that sneaks into your house when they are asleep.

I used to lay awake all Christmas eve, not because I was excited, but because I was terrified.

I also remember feeling like I couldn't trust my parents if they had lied to me outright for years, even when challenged.

More than that, I hate the way that FC is used as blackmail "You have to do X or FC will see you haven't been good, and won't bring you any presents". Basically, do as I say or I won't love you.

No. I'm certainly not doing that with DS. He loves Christmas lights, and decorations, so we will go and see all of those. We will talk about the story of St Nicholas, who was a very kind man, and how people give presents now in the spirit of what he did all those years ago. But I will not be telling him that Father Christmas is coming to visit.

Mrsjay · 02/12/2012 11:59

you will see pages and pages on here talking about this IMO santa is the dogs whatmes Grin for children and I think your friend is wrong but TBH there isn't anything you can do about it I am sure children are not scarred because they dont believe in Santa but I think its a really fun and magical thing to do for them

Purplelooby · 02/12/2012 12:02

YABU

Make the world magical with real-life. If one has the attitude that the world is S##t then one's DCs will need fantasy to get through life. But is the world really depressing? What about charity? What about the magic of genetics, of love, of nature? What about incredible human achievements? God if you want? How about the magic of your giving gifts because of generosity?

On the other hand, you could say that a fat man popularised by coca-cola comes down the chimney (even if you don't have one) and gives more pressies to kids who a richer whereas kids starving in the 3rd world have obviously been naughty this year. Christmas is magical without santa if you MAKE it magical.

Can you tell this is an argument I've been having with DM regarding DS's first Christmas?

Purplelooby · 02/12/2012 12:08

... and to add, I loved Christmas as a child - it was totally magical and wonderful. My mother always told me santa was real but went to stupid lengths to make it so. I always knew it was a load of rubbish, especially as my Dad was honest when I asked him at about 5. I'm glad it was so honest, it made me appreciate my wonderful family more than some fat beardy man would.

valiumredhead · 02/12/2012 12:13

Why would you feel sorry for someone that doesn't want to lie to her kids?

As weird as you think it is the flip side is someone like me who thinks it's bizarre to make children believe in someone coming down your chimney to give you presents and then a few years later say ' Oh actually all that was a load of rubbish, it's not true.'

That is NOT what christmas is about in my house at all so save your sympathy for children who really have a bad Christmasses.

Our Christmasses are fantastic and magical without the need to believe in FC.

forgetmenots · 02/12/2012 12:17

purplelooby that's just my point. I loved Christmas as a child too (and I think was only 6 when I found out, but got to play along for my brother for another couple of years). You're completely within your rights to give your DCs the Christmas you think's right, as am I.
No one should say yours won't be magical or special. But equally, no one should be judging me and others about 'lying', when it's a choice about how to have fun. Very subjective and I think your posts, although I'm on the other side of the Santa fence, highlight that well.

forgetmenots · 02/12/2012 12:19

valium if the first bit was about my post, I don't feel sorry for joyful but I was making the point that she is pitying others who will also be having great Christmasses, just in a different way. Lying is a very strong word.

I'm going to bow out of this, DC1 hasn't even arrived yet but I'm genuinely surprised by the judging on both sides! Live and let live, people!

valiumredhead · 02/12/2012 12:20

forget I posted without reading the rest of the thread so not about your post at all.

forgetmenots · 02/12/2012 12:23

Fair play valium. It has gone off track since the OP a bit a lot. I did the same thing upthread!

valiumredhead · 02/12/2012 12:26

We have stockings and ds knows the FC is a nice story about a man who was kind to people less fortunate that him and so we celebrate his kindness by giving presents to people we love. It baffles me that people go to such great lengths to make their kids believe he is REAL and anything less is wrong and Christmas is ruined.

Christmas in my house is about getting together as a family not about wether who brings the presents is real or not.

FlorIxora · 02/12/2012 15:51

I never believed in Santa, my parents just chose not to spread the myth (didn't believe in tooth fairy or any of that stuff either). Incidentally, my parents are atheists and so am I.

Anyway, I was terrified of the man in the red disguise and fake beard.

The only thing that ruined the magic of Christmas for me was my father's temper.

I loved everything else, the food, the tree, family visiting, waiting and waiting for the presents which always had a magic way to appear whilst us kids were sent to do some fake chore.

I don't get the whole Santa thing at all. I may have a fight on my hands when we have a child because DH loves the myth (he is also an atheist.).

valiumredhead · 02/12/2012 20:59

Flor me too - the idea of someone coming down my chimney at night!!! Shock

Mumsyblouse · 02/12/2012 21:17

Unlike lots of people on here, I absolutely loved waiting for Father Christmas, I used to be beside myself with excitement, and then wake up incredibly early like 4am and get sent back to bed, and be so excited to see the stocking bulging with presents at the end of my bed, it really seemed magical and wonderful (perhaps because I wasn't allowed that many presents/sweets the rest of the year so the excess of it was so novel).

I'm sorry to report that these were the peak moments of my childhood, and no, getting presents under the tree or spending time with relatives (as a child) weren't as magical or exciting.

exoticfruits · 02/12/2012 21:24

They only ask outright when they really want to know, Tarty, so you tell them the truth. Before that they ask lots of questions so you just play along.

exoticfruits · 02/12/2012 21:25

It was magical for me, Mumsy, nothing to beat the excitement of Santa on the roof!