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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

..to be a bit upset because my friend doesn't want her kids to believe in Father Christmas?

114 replies

loverofwine · 01/12/2012 18:50

seems to me letting your child believe there is a little magic in this miserable world is a good thing.

I can't get over why I feel upset that my very good, very old friend has decided that this fantasy is not for her kids.

Help me see reason please

OP posts:

Bumply · 01/12/2012 20:50

There's plenty of 'magic' about Christmas without actually having to believe in magic.
Just asked my 10 year old his opinion.
He says he has sometimes believed in Santa Claus (not at my instigation), but knows he's not real and said its magic just because its Christmas.
Each to their own as far as I'm concerned.

somewherewest · 01/12/2012 20:59

I wonder if Santa sometimes ends up being more for parents than children if that makes any sense? I think some parents (probably subconciously) invest alot in the idea of childhood innocence, or struggle slightly with the idea of their children growing up, and Santa becomes part of that.

cardibach · 01/12/2012 21:03

I don;t get this whole 'it's lying' thing. It's make believe. Don;t you ever take part in make believe play with your DCs? I don;t remember any outright telling DD it was real (who does that?) but we made beleive together until she was ready to stop. I'm pretty sure thee were at leasrt 2 Christmasses when she didn;t believe but carried on pretending. WHy is everyone so po faced these days?

InNeedOfBrandyButter · 01/12/2012 21:03

I never really made up huge stories and elaborate lies for dc to believe but they do, this is the first year Iv'e got a elf (although she's a fairy) and today when we visted santa they ran into the room and jumped on him to hug him. My dc love believing and yes the north pole and elfs and sleighs all help bring about the magic. I don't do it for me, I'd prefer them not to ask for unrealistic things because santa can do it, or have to bother with leaving mince pies out but I want them to look back and think what a amazing christmas's we used to have and santa plays a very big part in that.

AMumInScotland · 01/12/2012 21:09

cardibach - some parents do tell their children it's real. Or at least that children who don't believe don't get presents. And that santa knows what you have been doing all year and is judging you for it. Or they make evidence like taking a bite out of the carrot or leaving icing-sugar footprints.

Personally I don't mind if they do or don't, but it's more than just going along with a child's make-believe.

PeggyCarter · 01/12/2012 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cardibach · 01/12/2012 21:29

I did the bites out of a carrot thing. THat is PURE make believe, surely? If you've ever seen an animal eat a carrot (which she had) it is clear that you wouldn't get that effect! I never threatened no presents, but I played along and supported the illusion. It isn;t the same as telling lies. You will disagree, I'm sure, and it is hard to explain the difference between lies and make believe, but make believe is not harmful, indeed is beneficial to child development.

cardibach · 01/12/2012 21:31

PuddleJumper can;t they enjoy Santa and appreciate the wonder of the world at large? WHy is it either or? It seems po faced to em to refuse to play along with a game of make believe with your child because of - well, I'm not really sure what reasons you have.

autumnmum · 01/12/2012 21:33

I am an atheist to the very core but I love Christmas. The whole sentiment of it really appeals to me. We do Santa in our house, but when asked by my now 7 year old DD if santa was real, I asked her what she thought. Like someone elses DD up the thread she said she thought he was a story but she liked that and could he keep coming to visit. We do the tooth fairy as well and my DD writes letters asking the tooth fairy questions every time she loses a tooth. I type little letters back (last time the tooth fairy who wrote back was a boy called Nigel - because fairies can be boys too!). She knows it's me but we get a lot of fun out of it.

forgetmenots · 01/12/2012 21:34

Sounds lovely to me autumnmum and I'd hope to take a similar approach.

fuzzpig · 01/12/2012 21:36

They may well believe anyway if they cover all that stuff at school - my DD was talking about Santa after nursery before we'd even mentioned it.

JourneyThroughLife · 01/12/2012 21:41

We love Christmas too and make a great thing of it, but when DS and DD were small, I just couldn't bring myself to say Santa was real, it felt too much like lying. Instead I explained it was a custom and folk dressed up as Santa, but we still had the presents at the bottom of the bed and everything. I also explained that many children believed in Santa so it would spoil it for others if they announced he wasn't real at school...I did want my kids to consider other people's feelings.
I used to think I'd got it about right until the year I found a little note from DD at the bottom of the bed when I crept in. It was addressed to Santa saying how grateful she was for her presents but that "I do wish we could believe in you like everyone else does" !!! Can't win.....

BullieMama · 01/12/2012 22:12

When my daughter was 3 she got out of bed late one night and started the fateful conversation , "mam I've been thinking..." and then launched into every logical reason as why santa wasn't real. My favourite of her reasons was that "Mammy's and Daddy's work hard all year and earn the money to buy the presents"

I heard her out and I had to agree with her but warned her on pain of death not to tell anybody in school, still to this day and she is 9 she is unsure what to say to people in case she offends someone unwittingly

What does suprise me however is the ammount of children age 10 plus who still believe, I work in a school and there are many year 6's who still believe.

PeggyCarter · 01/12/2012 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

porridgewithalmondmilk · 01/12/2012 22:28

I hope I don't get flamed but I must admit, I find it strange when anybody feels upset for or sad for children who are loved, well fed and clothes and have a warm and supportive home.

Individual parenting decisions are just that: individual. I don't know how I'll approach the FC thing but while I like Christmas very much it's the frost in the morning, the stark silohuette of a tree against a bleak sky, the silly traditions all families have which may or may not involve FC, songs and food and presents that are the 'magic' of Christmas. And for whatever it's worth, I think that magic exists at other times of the year and in other places.

My favourite memories from childhood aren't centered around the things my parents tried to do to make it special. They paid for fancy holidays, and I was certainly indulged at Christmas and on my birthday. But one memory I have that is special is of Saturday morning ballet and my mum taking me there, then after ballet we'd have lunch. That's all - no "magic" - just my mum :)

Whyisallthegoodnamestaken · 01/12/2012 22:58

I was never brought up to believe in Santa, I always loved Christmas and still do, it's my favourite time of year. And now as an adult I respect my parents for not filling my head with bullshit, but still giving me an amazing Christmas every year.

CailinDana · 01/12/2012 23:04

There is very clear difference between the whole Santa thing and make-believe. Make-believe involves the active participation of the child in creating the illusion - they know for sure that it's not real and they add little details themselves to suit their own imagination. Santa is a pre-prescribed tale with quite fixed details- he is a man, he lives in the north pole, he brings presents on Christmas eve etc - and children do actually believe he's real. That's not make-believe, that's actual believing and there are a lot of parents who outright lie to their children and assert that he's real. That's not make believe.

MadameCreeper · 01/12/2012 23:18

There's no reason to be upset, why are you upset? Some do Father Chrsitmas in some way, some don't. I have inlaws who think we've spoilt the magic of Christmas because not every present comes from him. In our house Santa brings a stocking of small things, then all other presents come from those who give them. No, our children will be missing out and they are felt sorry for!

Whatever a family does, it's a time to get together with people you give a shit about (different from get on with). Presents are a great addition.

Spero · 01/12/2012 23:29

I always knew he wasn't 'real' just as I thought it was odd that the hedgehog in our garden who sent my brother notes had my dad's handwriting...

But it was sweet that my parents made the effort and I liked going along with it.

I agree there is a huge difference between 'let's pretend' which is fun and harmless and actively lying to children on the basis that the world is such a cruel place that is the only way to get through it. I agree it is very sad the op thinks that and I wonder if she is depressed.

TwitchyTail · 01/12/2012 23:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dominodonkey · 01/12/2012 23:43

YANBU I just can't understand why anybody would want to destroy the magic of Father Christmas for small children. We have 70 odd years of knowing he is not real why take away the few years they believe and are excited? I'm not saying that Christmas can't be wonderful without FC but most people remember the sheer excitement of trying to stay awake to catch a glimpse and the joy of seeing the whisky drunk and carrots nibbled. Why do you want to take away any magic at all?

And those who say they don't like lying. So, you tell the truth all the time do you? When your child sings to you in an out of tune whine, you tell them they are rubbish singers and when they present you proudly with a scribble on a page and ask if you like it, you point out that it is a pitiful attempt do you? If not then you are hypocrites.

Dominodonkey · 01/12/2012 23:45

MC I have inlaws who think we've spoilt the magic of Christmas because not every present comes from him.

That's ridiculous though. So they think their whole family is tight and doesn't like them enough to buy them presents?!

LilyVonSchtupp · 01/12/2012 23:46

Disclaimer: I am an atheist who loves Christmas holiday season unabashedly.

Santa is not real like Darth Vader is not real or Scooby Doo is not real. It doesn't remove the magic of those characters for my DS to know that they don't exist. He still creates stories and imaginative play around them.

I don't understand why parents are so hung up on insisting that they MUST say Santa is real. It is weird that you want to insist to your kids that a strange man comes into their home and leaves gifts that in fact are the result of your hard work. And that he does this to very single child in the world. And that he monitors their behaviour all year round.

Cahoootz · 01/12/2012 23:46

My DC played a lot of 'pretend' play when they were little. Like most DC's they had vivid imaginations, and could completely loose themselves in their imaginary games. When our family talked about Father Xmas it was a game. I am almost certain that my DC's never actually believed he existed but they went along with the story and would write to him and leave him milk and biscuits I don't think they were deprived in any way by not believing in Father Christmas.

Op, YABU and a bit daft.

ArkadyRose · 01/12/2012 23:50

I grew up never believing in FC; money was very tight and rather than let us get our hopes up about some mythical strange man who wouldn't bring what we'd wished for, our parents chose not to lie to us. We knew our presents came from our family. We certainly never suffered for knowing the truth. And I refuse to lie to my own children.

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