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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for thinking that keeping the house clean and tidy is a necessity and not a choice!

74 replies

kaylasmum · 01/12/2012 12:55

I do 95% of the housework, i work 16 hours a week in a supermarket and have been doubling my hours over the last 2 weeks with overtime for extra cash for christmas. Over the last 2 weeks i've worked 11 days with only one day off. I have 2 dcs at home aged 9 and 5, i also have 3 adult dcs who through mental health illness need my support. My dp works 40 hours a week as a gardener and very rarely helps out with the housework. this causes tension between us and i feel that he could help more. More than once while having an arguement about this he has told me that its my choice to do the housework! Well if i did'nt do it we'd live in a tip cos he would'nt do it.

So aibu and should i just get on with it like the good little housewife?

OP posts:
GoldPlatedNineDoors · 01/12/2012 12:56

Yabu for letting it go.on this long before tackling it.

Original poster
kaylasmum · 01/12/2012 12:59

don't know what you mean by tackling it. This is an ongoing problem between us and causes many arguements. What do you think i should do? I can't force him.

OP posts:
DudeIAmSoFuckingRock · 01/12/2012 13:03

stop doing it and let him see just how much of a necessity it really is. just do the basics for yourself and the dcs like washing your and their clothes and feeding just you and the dcs, doing your own dishes. let the bins overflow let the dust bunnies multiply. leave his washing to fester. and any of his stuff he leaves lying around the house in your/the dc's way dump it on his side of the bed. he'll soon learn.

DudeIAmSoFuckingRock · 01/12/2012 13:04

and if he asks you what the hell's going on. tell him you are simply choosing not to do housework.

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 01/12/2012 13:05

What I mean is that you want him to do.more than he does - he has presumably Not Done stuff for many years so therefore yabu for letting it go.on this long.

notnagging · 01/12/2012 13:08

Inmy experience leaving it does not work.the whole point is they don't see the need to do it that's why they don't. You need to talk to him & let him know what effect this is having on you. If he doesn't acknowledge it then unfortunately he doesn't care.

DudeIAmSoFuckingRock · 01/12/2012 13:11

surely he would see the need to empty a bin that was spilling over or do his washing when he ran out of clean clothes? clean a dish when there were none in the cupboard?

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 01/12/2012 13:11

Well. Make a different choice.

As others have said. Grin

ok, if it's my choice, I'm changing my mind. I choose to no longer do your cooking. Your washing. Your ironing. Or anything that is picking up after you. That is my choice.

Let's see how he feels when you cook for you and the children but not for him. When you do your washing etc but not his. When the dishes stay in the sink and you wash only what you need for the meal you are having. And they are right back in the sink until you need them for your next meal.

If you do nothing, then nothing will change.

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 01/12/2012 13:12

He might see the need when there's no dinner for him, no clean clothes for him etc, notnagging.

He might see the need then.

Original poster
kaylasmum · 01/12/2012 13:13

goldplated - its not a case of letting him not do it, as i said i can't physically force him to do housework. He has a quick temper and flares up if i "nag" him.

I've really thought about just leaving his washing andnot cooking for him but i don't think i can live in the mess that would entail if he started cooking for himself. Before we moved in together he lived on his own and his flat was an absolute disgrace, i should have known then what it was going to be like.

OP posts:
Original poster
kaylasmum · 01/12/2012 13:15

notnagging, unfortunately i think he does'nt care!

OP posts:
Bilbobagginstummy · 01/12/2012 13:16

There are degrees of "clean & tidy". You may do stuff he genuinely doesn't consider necessary so he would never do. Equally he may be a slob and not do even what would meet his own minimum standards!

As you only work 16hrs (in general) and he works 40, it does seem reasonable that you should do more of it than he does, though. Perhaps he might be better employed on child-related matters so you could do less there & take the strain.

exmrs · 01/12/2012 13:18

My ex s flat looked like steptoe and sons house but i was young and naive and thought it was quirky with traffic bollards as lamps and scooter parts in the front room. After many years of nagging to stop leaving stuff everywhere i realised he will never change. Some people are tidy some ar untidy its whether you can live with it is the answer?

DudeIAmSoFuckingRock · 01/12/2012 13:18

yes. yes you should.

it always amazes me when people marry/move in with slobs and get all pissed off when the person continues to be a slob. if you know that's what he is like and it's a problem for you, dont move in with them!

i'm lazy as hell. i do dishes and washing and i run the hoover round most days but i'm no domestic goddess and i would be really pissed off if i moved in with someone who got fed up with me continuing to be the way i am. i'm not going to suddenly start being mrsmop. it just isn't going to happen.

pixiestix · 01/12/2012 13:23

Hindsight is a wonderful thing Dude. DH's slobbiness didn't bother me in the first flush of love/ roses around the door/ he's the most wonderful man in the world time of our relationship. It drives me fucking nuts now. He would gladly live off take aways we can't afford so as never to have to cook or wash up and would wear the same pair of disgusting pants until they rotted off him. The only way to make it bearable is to be the "good little housewife". So you have my sympathies OP.

LoopsInHoops · 01/12/2012 13:23

Dude, daily hoovering is not lazy! Shock

Original poster
kaylasmum · 01/12/2012 13:26

i said in my first post that i do 95% of the housework, obviously i do the majority of the childcare aswell. He never comes home from work and has to do housework or cook a meal and most of the time i wash up after tea, help the kids with their homework, get them organised for bed, sort out there bags and lunchboxes for the next day and get them to bed. He would'nt know where to start! I work 2 evenings a week from 5.30 till 11pm and a sunday 11 til half 5. On a Sunday i finish work, do a shopping, go home and cook tea and wash up, bath the kids and sort out school stuff for the monday. I'm usually on the go for 9 hours on a sunday with only a break to eat my tea.

surely when he's not working at the weekend he should help out a lot more than he does. So pissed off!

OP posts:
DudeIAmSoFuckingRock · 01/12/2012 13:27

i have a golden retriever who can coat the floor with one shake. believe me, once a day hoovering is inefficient! Grin

i agree pixiestix. i didn't mean to be harsh, i really didn't. it just does amaze me. i get the whole, 'first flush' thing but dont people get to a point before moving in, where they think "do i want to live with this full time?"

btw, i would also gladly live on takeaway to avoid cleaning dishes but i have these pesky children that i have to feed properly. apparently Grin

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 01/12/2012 13:29

ok. So. What are your choices?

a) continue to ask him to do his fair share. Accept that this does not happen and he kicks off about it.

b) continue to do all the housework and stop saying anything about it. Accept that this is how your life will remain.

c) do only your stuff and accept that this means he makes a mess

d) do nothing at all but the bare minimum for the children and accept this means your house is revolting Grin

e) tell him that if he won't change, you aren't staying

f) leave

Have I missed off any options?

Really, it's down to you to choose.

notnagging · 01/12/2012 13:29

I am going through the same thing & I am fed up with being accused of moaning. I don't wash dh's clothes, do the ironing and sometimes don't make his food. He does things when he feels like it. I took people's advice & refused to do it. In those instances the place just looks like a tip.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 01/12/2012 13:30

"He has a quick temper and flares up if i "nag" him."

To put it another way.... if you dare challenge him on something, he gets aggressive so that you back down and he gets his own way. You realise that's classic bullying, 'emotionally abusive' behaviour?

Original poster
kaylasmum · 01/12/2012 13:32

Dude- you don't have a clue! read my last post, i'm not expecting him to do much just help a little more. Its about respect and caring, which i feel i get neither. Us being together has made his life easier, whether we were together or not he'd have to work.

OP posts:
pixiestix · 01/12/2012 13:32

Dude you talk sense. I moved in with DH on the night of our first date Hmm, we got married five months later

DudeIAmSoFuckingRock · 01/12/2012 13:32

kaylas you sound like my mum. she did pretty much all housework and child related stuff even though there were times my dad worked fewer hours than her. i remember her being constantly stressed about getting it all done, nagging my dad and us to help, losing her patience with it not being done and having blazing rows with my dad. i dont know the ins and outs of their relationship or whether she ever went on strike or had a serious conversation with him but she's still doing it all now even though my dsis is a fully grown adult. my mum is now in a position where she lives with 2 other adults who work full time (like her) and she is washing, cooking and cleaning for them. i dont understand it. she hasn't made life easy for herself and i know she resents doing it all. the thing is, she doesn't have to. i used to have sympathy for her but i dont anymore. i get sick of hearing her whinge about it when she isn't willing to do anything to change it.

DudeIAmSoFuckingRock · 01/12/2012 13:34

what do you mean i dont have a clue?