for thinking that keeping the house clean and tidy is a necessity and not a choice!

[kaylasmum]

I do 95% of the housework, i work 16 hours a week in a supermarket and have been doubling my hours over the last 2 weeks with overtime for extra cash for christmas. Over the last 2 weeks i've worked 11 days with only one day off. I have 2 dcs at home aged 9 and 5, i also have 3 adult dcs who through mental health illness need my support. My dp works 40 hours a week as a gardener and very rarely helps out with the housework. this causes tension between us and i feel that he could help more. More than once while having an arguement about this he has told me that its my choice to do the housework! Well if i did'nt do it we'd live in a tip cos he would'nt do it.

So aibu and should i just get on with it like the good little housewife?

[SantaIAmSoFuckingRock]

i agree with all of chipping's posts.

[ChippingInLovesAutumn]

Oh & I agree with Pictish As for those of you with can-do suggestions as to how the OP can better manage her time so she can fit in all the housework....please feel free to flush your heads while you are cleaning the toilet. Unbelievable

[ChippingInLovesAutumn]

OP - your DP sounds horrible :( Frankly, I'd rather live on my own & earn my own money/get benefits if necessary than live with that controlling bully.

[ChippingInLovesAutumn]

Married why are you letting your teenagers get away with all of this? As for your DH, tell him do it himself if he doesn't like it, or pay the cleaner to come in other days as well - he earns enough to get the level of cleaning he requires.

[SantaIAmSoFuckingRock]

if you are starting with a basically tidy house where everything has a home and everybody puts things back then it can be tidied very quickly everyday with very little effort. BUT if you have children like mine who pull things out from nooks and crannies you didn't know existed and leave a trail of destruction the it can be like starting to clear a bombsite everyday before you can even think about normal maintenance cleaning. i could also spend hours a day cleaning and tidying and still have more to do the next day.

[pictish]

I'm another who is concerned about the fact that his temper 'flares up' when you 'nag' him.

No. He gets angry so you will back off and not mention it again. Call a spade a spade.
I consider that indicative of an unhealthy relationship.

As for those of you with can-do suggestions as to how the OP can better manage her time so she can fit in all the housework....please feel free to flush your heads while you are cleaning the toilet. Unbelievable.

[marriedinwhite]

I think that depends on the house. I can spend that every single day. And that's without cleaning.

Bags, shoes, bedrooms, kitchen, bathrooms, picking up towels, wiping up crunched cat food, throws, cushions, putting away laundry etc., etc.

[Redbindy]

Tidying a house takes about 2 hours max. You work 16 hours a week, he works a load more. Do 2 extra hours and you are still ahead in the hours race.

[SantaIAmSoFuckingRock]

did what?

[marriedinwhite]

I did.

[ellee]

Why do so many women do this to themselves? Why is a clean and tidy house SO important? Sure I'd love it but I also like to play with the dc, read a book, watch tv and read mumsnet! Am sitting on couch now, dcs in bed, there's a pile of crap on coffee table, more on couch and other chair, hoover hasn't been out since Fri and so what? Dh did hoovering, I cleaned the bathrooms and got a shop in. We both did some cooking. Kitchen is cleanish. Feck the rest frankly.can't rememmber when we last washed the floors. If I could get a cleaner I would. I blitz if I'm expecting visitors.

That said your dp sounds like an extreme case. Certainly worth trying the chat. Maybe asking what tasks he could take on? Make it clear it is upsetting you that he doesn't take you seriously on this. If I met with total resistence I would certainly stop doing things for him. Surely you could quit cooking his dinner and laundry without it impacting particularly on the rest of you?

[SantaIAmSoFuckingRock]

"in this world things are done perfectly ususally with wives acting as props to professional men."

that's great if the wives are happy to act as props. are you?

[SantaIAmSoFuckingRock]

think out of the box? erm, how on earth was i to know he paid a cleaner if you didn't say it in the first place?

you said he's been moaning about untidiness, his problem is that he hasn't employed his cleaner for enough hours. in your shoes i would say "yes it is a bit untidy isn't it?" and then i'd take another sip of my wine. it isn't your problem if you are doing your fair share (and 95% is far more than your fair share)

[marriedinwhite]

He does. Try to think out of the box. It's a big house and in this world things are done perfectly ususally with wives acting as props to professional men.

[SantaIAmSoFuckingRock]

and if he's happy to pay that, why doesn't he pay a cleaner to deal with the tidying he finds irritating? it shouldn't be down to you to pick up his slack, if you aren't happy to do it. he can employ a cleaner, meet her, show her what he wants done, leave the notes for her to do this or that, and pay her. you shouldn't need to be involved in it at all if you are doing your fair share.

[SantaIAmSoFuckingRock]

why would it not work like that?

[marriedinwhite]

Life doesn't work like that though. And he would be happy to give me the money.

[SantaIAmSoFuckingRock]

take friday's what off?

fridays off* of course.

[SantaIAmSoFuckingRock]

if he wants you to reduce your hours, i would contemplate and offer of the equivalent of his salary for the number of hours he would like you to reduce yours by.

so if he says, "take friday's off" and a friday earns him £100 (random number), i would accept £100 to drop friday from my work hours.

[suburbophobe]

He has a quick temper and flares up if i "nag" him.

That's the way he controls you.

No wonder you so-call "nag" him if he can't be bothered to do FA in the house.

Does he see you as his maid?!

[marriedinwhite]

Economics won't allow it. He earns 10 x my salary and I don't need to work but like to.

[SantaIAmSoFuckingRock]

this thread has actually prompted me to reinstate a few basic houserules that i've been slacking on for a while. i have 2 boys and i would hate for them to ever think the didn't have to be responsible for mess, dirt, dishes etc that they created. starting tomorrow, they're both back to making their own beds, bringing their own washing down, chores and sharing the meal prep.

[SantasComingEarlyHisSackIsFull]

Your partner does not have much to reccommend him OP. Is there anything good about him? Is he "nice" as long as he gets his own way?

There is nothing wrong with not having a partner and living without on eyou know. He just sounds like extra work and quite scary to me. I couldn't be arsed with him.

[SantaIAmSoFuckingRock]

his employer wont allow it?

in that case he needs to make sure when he is at home he's making less mess, that way there'll be less for him to get irritated with.

[marriedinwhite]

not realistically no.