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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for thinking that keeping the house clean and tidy is a necessity and not a choice!

74 replies

kaylasmum · 01/12/2012 12:55

I do 95% of the housework, i work 16 hours a week in a supermarket and have been doubling my hours over the last 2 weeks with overtime for extra cash for christmas. Over the last 2 weeks i've worked 11 days with only one day off. I have 2 dcs at home aged 9 and 5, i also have 3 adult dcs who through mental health illness need my support. My dp works 40 hours a week as a gardener and very rarely helps out with the housework. this causes tension between us and i feel that he could help more. More than once while having an arguement about this he has told me that its my choice to do the housework! Well if i did'nt do it we'd live in a tip cos he would'nt do it.

So aibu and should i just get on with it like the good little housewife?

OP posts:
Original poster
kaylasmum · 01/12/2012 13:34

i should leave but have nowhere to go.

OP posts:
DudeIAmSoFuckingRock · 01/12/2012 13:35

Grin@ pixiestix

DudeIAmSoFuckingRock · 01/12/2012 13:37

OP you could ask for a divorce and rent somewhere else. lots of people do this all the time. you only think you have nowhere to go because you probably haven't looked into your options.

is the house mortgaged or rented?

Original poster
kaylasmum · 01/12/2012 13:38

dude- i mean you don't understand my relationship everything is not always black and white. i can't live in tip and i don't want huge arguements that upset the kids, i don't particularly want to leave as have nowhere to go. i feel like i'm stuck in limbo.

OP posts:
Original poster
kaylasmum · 01/12/2012 13:41

we're not married, he owns the house and i earn very little money. The kids would be devastated if we split up. I've been married and divorced before and really wanted to make this relationship work.

OP posts:
DudeIAmSoFuckingRock · 01/12/2012 13:44

for a relationship to work, both parties have to put in the effort. you cant be the only one working hard at it if he's just going to continue disrespecting you.

you do have choices. hec listed them for you.

if you cant live in a tip and the person creating the tip gets angry when you ask him to help then you really do need to leave. you cant expect anything to change unless one or both of you change.

MsElleTow · 01/12/2012 13:45

I know exactly what you mean. DH sees weekends as "time off!" Where the fuck is my time off? He does have to certain things because I am disabled and can't, so he does 2 bathrooms and vacuums once a week, and mops the kitchen floor. The kids do a lot.

He was home yesterday, he did some work in the morning, and played games in his laptop in the afternoon. He has whinged this morning because I asked him to take DS1 to meet his driving instructor so I could do the ironing. According to him "I potter all day!"Hmm

I've have tried leaving his washing and ironing, but it mounts up so I end up doing it. I tried not tidying his desk, or dusting his side if the room, but couldn't stand the mess. If I stopped cooking, he'd buy take always and we can't afford that! I just get in with it because I can't be arsed with the arguing. He is not a slob, by any means. Most people would think he was quite tidy, TBH, he is just not up to my standards!

DudeIAmSoFuckingRock · 01/12/2012 13:46

also, if you earn very little money and only do 16 hours you would be entitled to financial help in the form of benefits and tax credits.

ilovetermtime · 01/12/2012 14:08

Kayla, I would be more worried about your relationship than the housework to be honest. I don't think it's a good sign that he's so angry when you ask him to help.

I've had this problem (housework) with my DH, who lived with his parents before moving in with me (yep, definitely should have seen what was coming!). He would do nothing to help unless 'nagged', or as we prefer to call it, 'asked'. Then he would do it, but I would have to ask every single time, about every single thing and it drove me mad. After a few years of, essentially, mis-communication on both our parts, we sat down and had a big chat about it. I told him that it felt like he didn't care about me when he knew how much it meant to me to have him help with the housework, and he told me that he hadn't realised how much it meant to me (underlining the fact that some men do need to have things spelt out to them), and that to be honest he just didn't see the mess. Lots more besides, but the upshot is that we compromised, I accepted that he just wasn't that bothered about the house being a mess and so I couldn't really expect him to keep it to the same standards as me, while he accepted that the state of the house was upsetting me and so he offered to take on the washing full time (and with no tumble dryer, it is pretty full time), which frees me up to take care of the stuff he doesn't see.

It's working really well, as he's also been offering to help more when he gets in from work. He'll just ask whether I need any help with tea or if there's anything else I need done - normally I'll be so happy he asked, I'll just ask him to make us both a cuppa, or remind him that the washing needs hanging out - well, old habits die hard!

Sorry if that sounds a bit smug (have just read it back), but I'm just trying to point out that if you communicate properly and do genuinely love each other, then a compromise should be possible.

Good luck!

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 01/12/2012 14:13

You can't communicate properly with an aggressive bully who exploits the fact that you feel financially vulnerable, are too anxious to walk out of the door and will generally keep quiet rather than risk an argument.... He's got you all ways up. Hmm

Womens Aid on Emotional Abuse

clam · 01/12/2012 14:19

My dh grew up with his mum doing everything for him - he did nothing around the house at all.
Fast forward to moving in with me - he does 95% of all the cooking, the vast majority of the food shopping, and around half of the clearing up. He's made himself crap at ironing, so I send out his shirts to be done but do the rest, and I tend to do the housework/gardening/DIY. I work 4 days to his 5 - but he "works from home" quite a lot, which to me doesn't seem that onerous, to be honest.
OP, I'm afraid you might have left this too long to fix. But agree that your biggest problem is fear of his quick temper.

Theicingontop · 01/12/2012 14:36

YANBU.

My OH's nan did everything apart from wipe his arse for him until he moved in with me. It really is quite a difficult situation to be in when you genuinely love someone, but can't stand living with them because they expect to be MOTHERED.

It's a long hard battle that rarely gets won.

Upside is, seven years on, he's started to lift the toilet seat and has stopped leaving crisp packets wedged in the sofa cushions. Working on the rest.

Hesterton · 01/12/2012 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bonusquestion · 01/12/2012 15:01

I think it is a choice to an extent. People have very different standards according to what is acceptably clean and tidy, I am pretty relaxed about housework but I have lived with people who tirelessly nag at me for not doing things to their standards. But I don't see the point in using my energy and time when it is them who want things arranged in a certain way. Women really seem to martyr themselves holding everything up to a 1950s standard all the time.

DH knew I was like this when we got married, so it works for us. He likes things to be tidier but doesn't enjoy cleaning at all, but he doesn't nag me to do it, it seemed more sensible to get a cleaner than have it causing friction in our relationship all the time.

Phineyj · 01/12/2012 21:50

Give him jobs to do (or the option to pay a cleaner to do them). Write them on a whiteboard. Cross them off when they're done (sounds sad but works for us...having a visible list makes my DH much more likely to do things).

I felt my DH didn't do his fair share when we moved in together. Over the years it has got much more equal but it took a lot of work. I am always amazed how many of my friends say 'oh but OH doesn't know how to work the washing machine' etc. My DH had a SAHM who did literally everything round the house (and still does). I suppose when that is your role model it takes time to make a different type of relationship.

Hang in there. If any of your DC are male it will really help their future partners for them to see that men should/can/do do some of these jobs! And don't expect things to be done to your standards or exactly as you would do them, as long as they're done.

Cozy9 · 01/12/2012 22:03

I don't think men generally have the same standards for housework as women do. Most single mens homes are not that tidy. I think some women get anal retentive about cleanliness and tidiness. I bit of dirt and clutter never hurt anyone.

Viviennemary · 01/12/2012 22:16

I'd write out all the jobs that must be done in the house. Washing, cooking, ironing, hoovering and so on. And say look I'm working long hours and I can't do everything. Which ones are you going to do. Like say he can hoover the whole house once or twice a week. Or cook the evening meal once or twice a week. I think having something in place where he is responsible for certain things is better than just nagging. Not saying it will work but it's worth a try. good luck.

MrsMushroom · 01/12/2012 22:19

I took to not doing any food shopping at all. I used to take myself and both DDs off to eat at a cafe. I also left his clothes in one big dirty heap by his side of the bed and washed my own and the DDs.

He soon cottoned on.

His Mother did ALL the work and worked full time too...even now, she watches her DH make a sandwich and then goes in with a cloth to clear up the crumbs. Like he's incapable.

HappyTurquoise · 01/12/2012 22:20

You have another option...Take 2 full days a week off work, one for YOU, that is your day to do nothing for anyone else. Just things for yourself. (Well, ok cook for everyone, but only easy things, and clear up afterwards, but get your DCs to help as much as possible.) 2nd day off - clean house, pre cook your family ready meals, catch up with laundry and general chores and tidy up.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 02/12/2012 02:09

happy

why on earth should OP reduce her earnings even further just to do stuff in the house because her partner CBA to do it?

HappyTurquoise · 02/12/2012 20:09

If it is what she wants to do, and it is her priority, then she might like to do it, a lot of people do. It is just another option/suggestion! Some people do downsize/downshift to do the things they want to do.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 02/12/2012 20:22

have you read the OP? does it sound like cleaning the house is something she wants to do more of? never mind taking a paycut to do it?

things like washing dishes, clothes, cooking and basic cleanliness in the home (emptying bins, wiping counters, cleaning bathroom surfaces) are essential for every person to do. these aren't a question standards, these are essential for people to live a healthy life in a healthy environment. thic couple also have children so childcare, cooking for them, bathing them, dressing them and keeping a clean supply of clothes for them are also essential.

i look at it this way. anything that the OP's DH would have to do in the house if OP wasn't there for any length of time (a week in hospital or something which meant he was caring for the dcs alone) he should be taking responsibility for half of. he is an adult who created children and should be responsible for them. the other adult who created them is already doing more than half of the work involved in keeping them healthy. she is also (quite rightly) keeping herself healthy, BUT for some reason she is also somehow fully responsible for the health and cleanliness of another fully grown adult who is totally capable of doing everything that is required for a healthy life by himself. making half of the family meals, washing half the family clothes, doing half of the bin emptying, bathroom cleaning and surface cleaning would be the expected minimum. would you accept doing all of someone else's washing, cooking and cleaning if they were your flatmate just because you were female? why is because she is in a relationship with him that she should be happy to do all this?

marriedinwhite · 02/12/2012 20:29

Well I do 95% of the house - work full-time but far less than DH.

Never usually a problem and I do have some paid help but the last month or so, DH has not stopped moaning about untidiness and disorganisation. I am getting increasingly pissed off because I cannot physically do any more, there are four people living in this house and very little of the mess is mine.

I think he is angling for me to reduce my working hours. I am mightily pissed off with him at present.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 02/12/2012 20:30

he could reduce his hours married?

marriedinwhite · 02/12/2012 20:43

not realistically no.