to dump my BF for going with a prostitute...

[snailfiddler]

... 24 years ago.

On a lads holiday to Amsterdam.

OP have you never done anything in your life you are ashamed of? I have done loads of things, not sure if you would consider them to be in the same league but for me they were a big deal and I felt when I got together with DH it was his right to know - he didn't care. 8 years later they are not important.

If you can really look at yourself in the mirror and say that you have never done anything you feel remotely ashamed of then go ahead and dump him because clearly, you are then morally superior. I am sure this is not the case though - most people have the odd skeleton in their closet.

Agreeing to sex because of peer pressure or religious belief still counts as consenting to the act, in that you partner is not culpable.

WTF? No, consent is consent. Your partner is irrelevant. Prat.

Why are people still banging on that she would be unreasonale to dump this bloke ?

She can dump anyone she likes, for whatever reason she likes

Some of you who are still defending a man's right to pay women for sex...you are letting your one-track mind completely cloud the issue of the original question that she asked

she could just as easily have asked "would I BU for dumping a bloke who once voted for the BNP", "would I BU for dumping a bloke who eats a sandwich while taking a shit", "would I BU for dumping a bloke that got on my nerves" ...etc

and the answer would still be "YANBU"

AThing many of us have been raped by a man who had a cavalier attitude to consent but most of us have moved on. I suggest you seek professional help. I have and know that most men are not like that. They see sex differently to women on the whole but they are not evil.

Pam, are you aware that telling another person to seek professional help is massively patronising ?

Pessary - you are telling me how I should "move on" from being raped?

Are you fucking serious?

I guess you are on a thread where it's OK to have possibly raped someone as long as it was long ago and you were young at the time.

Don't think it is terrible that he did something when he was young and stupid - although ewww! If he was still doing this however, I would dump. He is being honest with you - how did this come up?

Don't think it is terrible that he did something when he was young and stupid - although ewww! If he was still doing this however, I would dump. He is being honest with you - how did this come up?

There is another thread still current started by the OP on this very subject...has everyone seen it ?

A slightly different slant to be had on that one, as OP has gone into more detail about what this bloke actually said as justification for his actions all those years ago, and that he appears to still abide by

OP wasn't happy with his pronouncements about "it's a woman's choice to sell herself, and why shouldn't men take advantage of it" then, so unless there have been further cosy chats about his attitude to buying women's bodies, OP has been a trifle disingenous on this thread, and allowed some of you to jump to the conclusion that he is some sort of martyred reformed character rising from the depths of his shitty behaviour like some sort of Lazarus-wannabe

it's society's default position to forgive men no matter what they do, isn't it ? I refuse to buy into that, and am glad to be different (as I am sure Athinginyourlife is too)

it's society's default position to forgive men no matter what they do, isn't it ?
Is it? That's a new one on me. I can think of many things I would never forgive a man for?

Having said that, I think OP will stay with him, because after 8 months, she owes him that

Sorry should have added
My response to the other version of the thread would be that he doesn't really think he has done much wrong and is trying to blame the woman. That's not acceptable.

I am seeing it on this thread, chaz

I see it all the time, in RL

if you don't, you are walking around with your eyes closed

Women ! Eat shit ! Forgive your man anything just so you can hang onto your relationship with him

it's ok to think "no, that's not for me, see ya", really it is

AFD
Now I understand the context of your comment. I think there now more women are getting the confidence and financial independence to get out of bad relationships but I do understand where you are coming from.

^Sorry should have added
My response to the other version of the thread would be that he doesn't really think he has done much wrong and is trying to blame the woman. That's not acceptable.^

precisely

he must be forgiven though, mustn't he ?

when really, it's not even about forgiveness

somebody (on the other side of my argument) said "you have no right to forgive him" and I agree

it's not about him (which this thread has banged on and on and on and on about), it's about a person's right to decide what is their limit, and stick with it

chaz, have you seen the thread that akaemmafrost started about what can happen to women who have no financial independence ? It's a sobering read...and still a common problem even among the educated middle classes

AFD
Yes I have posted on it as I am the WOHP and DH is the SAHD so I have had to make sure he is financially protected rather than the other way around.

"prostitution is, and has always been regarded as a profession."

Has it?

Or do you just imagine that because of the nasty misogynist phrase about it being the "oldest profession", that seeks to justify it as inevitable and natural and normal.

The word "profession" is often used loosely, but it normally refers to a high-status, well-paid job that is protected by an organisation that limits membership by restricting access to qualification.

Very, very different from prostitution.

Any (whatever you are now) - yes, you are quite right about what men must be forgiven.

And women have to have a proper "reason" for ending a relationship with a man. It's not on to dump him just because she feels like it. That's not fair.

I did mention my other thread earlier.
He hadn't really challenged his beliefs/knowledge of the sex industry etc when we were discussing this in the very early hrs of weds. However,he was embarrassed and ashamed so presumably on reflection, during the last 24yrs, he has rethought the situation a bit.

I haven't discussed it properly with him since then because he had to go to work and I've not seen him since. I will be seeing him on sat and will obviously be discussing my thoughts/feelings with him then.

I am not looking for an "excuse" to dump him. I am conflicted because everything else about him is genuinely lovely. I am getting great benefit from reading this thread and it is helping me to sort my head out about the situation.

Surely most people have a reason to end a relationship? Even if it's as simple as "I don't see this going anywhere". I don't see that women must have a reason or other otherwise must put up and shut up.

I don't think OP has to "forgive" him. If this is something that goes against what she agrees with morally then why on earth shouldn't she end the relationship? I see no reason.

Can't remember who said it sorry,but about voting for the BNP (or similar) would be something that would bother me in a partner. However long ago it was.

I think what A Thing is saying is that a man just can't know whether a prostitute is selling her body of her own free will, or whether she isn't.
It is also a fact that the VAST majority of prostitutes in "the trade" have been victims of sexual abuse.
Same with lap dancers and strippers. That is simply a fact, trust me.
Women who do "sex work" are NOT, on the whole simply women who have chosen to be a prostitute, rather than, say, a lawyer.
A whole mess of fucked-upness has already happened to them.
A man who chooses to use these kind of services chooses to perpetuate the abuse of women who are so screwed up about men and sex you wouldn't believe.
That is just a fact, not based on any hardcore feminist principle of mine, but on my own personal experience.
I haven't read the other thread, but if this man is still justifying the use of a prostitute, then I would say move on.

And, to my mind, sex is sacred. It should be consensual, intimate, and with someone you trust.

I think there a new angle on justifying using prostitues because they're doing it "willingly" has been put forward by the Belle du Jour book and the subsequent television series with Billie Piper. Secret diary of a Call Girl?

But like Pretty Woman,that's wildly inaccurate for 99.9% of prostitutes. As AThing has questioned,is it ever really consensual?

I think television series like Secret Diary of a Call Girl are sending a really dangerous message actually. Not that I think teenage girls will rush off to be prostitutes,rather it's saying that prostitutes are doing it by choice and don't need help. Maybe it is different in countries where prostitution is legal,but there are limits to how different legality can make the situation for the women in question.

Thinking about it, he is very respectful sexually and always checks verbally that i want to progress before assuming that we move on to sex. In my previous experience consent has been assumed by partners after a few months together and they have left it to me to say if I am not happy to continue.