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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Moaning mn career mums.Yes you...

999 replies

Jenna2012 · 26/11/2012 23:01

Been reading various threads on mn with interest for several weeks now.why do u ladies feel do pessimistic about ur work life balance and compete with the ' oh poor me title'. If you want a better quality of life, surely u can downsize and have less financial Responsibilty and then look after ur dc yourself instead of paying others to look after them. I just don't get why you have kids unless you wanna love And look them yourself. This doesnt apply to single parents.is the financial gain worth it?

OP posts:
whoneedssleepanyway · 27/11/2012 12:31

I think the problem is being a SAHM is very often a choice.

The opposite is often true of being a WOHM is very often not a choice.

There are pros and cons to both noboday can deny that.

I think what grates is when someone who has the luxury of choice comes on spouting about how the way they do it is best giving no though to the multitude of reasons why someone might not be able to live that way.

Jossysgiants · 27/11/2012 12:31

Jenna I am sorry you seem to feel attacked. However you chose to couch your thread in Aibu in extremely inflammatory terms. You must have expected these kind of responses, and for hard questions to be asked of you. I for one am bowing out of this. No one will have their approach changed by this 'debate'. You may be embarrassed by your attitude in a few years time though. Everything is a phase when you have kids- there is no Wohm or Sahm debate in my view. In my experience, most people just do what is expedient at the time rather than making some major 'life choice'. In your defence, many of your views are born out of naivety. However this does not excuse you sitting in judgement on others.

ChristianGreyIsAJackass · 27/11/2012 12:31

Ah ok, thankyou :)

Mathsdidi · 27/11/2012 12:33

I personally work full time because I worked my backside off to get this career and I don't want to throw all that hard work away for a few years of being a sahm while dd2 is little (apparently it was ok to work while dd1 was small because I was a single parent).

There is also the added advantage of having a modest house to live in, food on the table, bills paid, and a little left over to save for the future. Dp's job alone wouldn't be able to provide those things, and if we were to be in a position for one of us to stay at home it would have to be him. He doesn't want to be a sahd (and I agree with him that he doesn't have the temperament to deal with it full time) so we both work, but if one of us needs time off for dc's illnesses he does it.

LtEveDallas · 27/11/2012 12:33

I am blessed with having a good husband and lovely child more than anything else

So am I. Your point is?

So OP, plenty of people has answered your question(s) - The ones you were at pains to point out. When you have drip-fed and asked more questions, those have been answered too.

The title of this board is "Am I Being Unreasonable?"

The overarching answer to that question is "Yes, you really are"

Your secondary question was "Is the financial gain really worth it?"

The overarching answer to that question is "Yes it really is"

Are you ready to accept that? Are you ready to admit your goading and inflamatory remarks are very wrong?

Jenna2012 · 27/11/2012 12:33

Nots Disney mum. Yeh my Dp wanted me to be at home for dd. He said because we were secure I didn't need to work. I felt the same too

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 27/11/2012 12:34

A few points, Jenna.

Firstly, you say you applaud/support mums who are studying, in order to improve themselves, but you will surely start disapproving of them if they try to make use of their education by working. That is a huge contradiction, imo.

Secondly, you seem to have conveniently ignored my post about the huge costs involved in the downsizing you so glibly recommend. I will repost my post here, so you don't have to go and search for it.

Jenna - downsizing is not that easy. Firstly you have to sell your own house - very difficult in the current economic climate, and may well have to drop the price in order to sell. Then, if you manage to sell, and find somewhere to buy that isn't in a chain (so your sale doesn't fall through when another part falla apart - more likely in this economic climate), you still have to pay stamp duty, solicitors fees, estate agents fees and removals - all of which can add up to well over £10,000, depending on the size and value of the properties you are selling and buying.

The downsizing you so glibly advise is not a free exercise - it has substantial costs attached.

Thirdly, I firmly believe that good parent will make the best choices for their family and themselves, based on their own circumstances - and since no two families are identical in themselves and in their circumstances, it is impossible to generalise about what is 'best' for families. And a good parent will be a good parent regardless of whether or not they are working - because a good parent will work hard to make sure that the decisions they make benefit their whole family.

I am sure that there are some bad mothers who are working mothers - but I am equally sure that there are bad mothers who are not working - they are not bad because they choose to work - they would be bad mothers anyway. And some children are neglected because they have neglectful parents - but it is their work status is not what is making them neglectful.

Jenna - I think you should acknowledge that you are in a position that is rare amongst parents - you have a father who employed you to run one of his companies before, and presumeably will do so again when you wish to go back to your career. How many other women do you think are in a similar position to you? I am willing to bet that there are very few indeed - none on this thread, that's for sure - so most people are in a very different position, where a long career break to raise a child or children WILL have serious adverse effects on their career. Do you understand how this puts them in a VERY different position to you? You have not walked in their shoes, and yet you are judging them.

I would also suggest you read over your posts on this thread, and see how judgemental and unpleasant they are towards people who have made a different decision to you, and hopefully you will understand why you have upset people and put their backs up so much. And before you remind me that others have been nasty to you too, don't forget it was YOU who started the thread with an extremely judgemental attitude, and deliberately inflammatory posts.

HoleyGhost · 27/11/2012 12:35

Autumnlights - does fantasising about statistics make you feel better?

clemetteattlee · 27/11/2012 12:35

I reckon 99% of PEOPLE would like to work part-time or not at all.

Jenna2012 · 27/11/2012 12:36

Ltve- still don't agree. Why have kids when u can take responsibility,
But choose not to. Feel sorry for kids who r stuck in nursery m- f 8-6. Coz there mother wants her career.

OP posts:
Tweasels · 27/11/2012 12:36

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redlac · 27/11/2012 12:36

hell yeah clemetteattlee. I'm sure if you asked any one of the street they would much prefer NOT to work

ATailOfTwoKitties · 27/11/2012 12:36

Oh dear.

I too am getting the feeling that the OP is struggling with and over-justifying her position. We all do it.

This reminds me strongly of the Little Amy threads some years ago . OP, your daughter wouldn't, in fact, be called Amy, by any chance?

waltermittymistletoe · 27/11/2012 12:36

Autumnlights - does fantasising about statistics make you feel better?

Is Autumnlights going to start getting stick because she made a list?

There have been lists all over this thread. Hers is just the first that won't make SAHM feel shit about themselves!

redlac · 27/11/2012 12:37

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clemetteattlee · 27/11/2012 12:37

Autumn lights. The problem with the listing (on both sides) is none of it is based on FACTS so will always irritate the other side.
I go to work because it is best for ME. My children are obviously the most important thing in my life, but not to the extent that I would sacrifice my well-being for them. I don't pretend this is "normal" but I also don't apologise for it either.

SoupDragon · 27/11/2012 12:38

Feel sorry for kids who r stuck in nursery m- f 8-6. Coz there mother wants her career.

I feel sorry for children who are stuck with a mother who is so sneerily judgemental of other people's valid choices and uses text speak. I hope they grow up with a more balanced outlook on life.

Jenna2012 · 27/11/2012 12:38

Apologies if I offended any1. We r all entitled to our opinions. Gotta be gettn on wthy day, it's hubby's day off.

OP posts:
Tweasels · 27/11/2012 12:39

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AlienRefluxLooksLikeSnow · 27/11/2012 12:39

jenna ever heard the saying 'walk a mile in my shoes?' You have a very unusual position, like sdt has said, can you now, stop being so goading and stubborn, and admit that you don't have experience in every walk of life, and there are times, like your own, that a Mother needs to work?

ATailOfTwoKitties · 27/11/2012 12:39

Right. I need to get off this thread for the third time today and do some work. Otherwise the little buggers will be home inconveniently wanting to use the computer.

EverlongLovesHerChristmasRobin · 27/11/2012 12:40

Whatevs

waltermittymistletoe · 27/11/2012 12:40

Tweasels Grin

We could have saved ourselves 700+ posts with that!

AlienRefluxLooksLikeSnow · 27/11/2012 12:40

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redlac · 27/11/2012 12:40

quick Jenna, hubby is calling you! Your daddy has given him the day off work so he can take you and little bubba out for the day and you've sat on your arse on MN all morning

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