To think I shouldn't be expected to give up my place in the queue just because the lady behind me was disabled?

[TangoPurple]

Apologies for the lengthy title.

Had a very busy weekend and stupidly forgot to get stuff in for dd's packed lunches/playtime snacks for this week. She also needed a new drinks bottle. So i got up an hour earlier today, and rushed to the supermarket with her before school.

I joined the queue at a till, and as the person in front was getting served, a lady in a wheelchair queued behind me. She asked if she could go in front of me as she needed to rush for the XX bus, which only comes every forty minutes. I explained that I'm also getting that bus so can't give up my space in the queue or dd will be late for school.

She looked totally shocked. She pointed out it was pissing down with rain and she'd be freezing waiting for the next one. (Just to point out - the bus stop for this bus has a large shelter and is right outside the supermarket).

She asked where i lived, i told her roughly, and she suggested i get the YY bus which would drop me a street away from my normal bus stop (normal bus stop is right outside my flat/front door).

I explained that i couldn't walk that far with dd plus all my shopping bags as she has autism and i need to hold her hand at all times. Whereas getting off at my front door, she's fine to run ahead. I was nice and mild-mannered, but she wasn't pleased. She was completely surprised and raising her eyebrows at the people queuing at the opposite till.

The till operator had heard the conversation and I think it affected how she served me. She made no eye contact, no communication (except asking for my money at the end), zoomed all my stuff through the scanner much too quickly, and spent the whole time talking to the lady in the wheelchair about bloody buses and 'lack of respect'!

During this time, the guy at the front of the opposite queue offered the lady to go in front of him which she refused as she'd already put her stuff on the conveyor belt behind mine.

I'm just so annoyed and feel like a right cow. I felt like everyone was judging me. If she only had a few items, of course i'd have let her in front, but she had more than me!

AIBU?

To all the people saying the person with the wheelchair should not have 'made herself late' - you have no knowledge why she was pressed for time. All sorts of things could have happened. Just because someone is disabled doesn't mean they can be superhuman in organisational skills (and luck) and miraculously avoid every issue that makes everyone else in the world late for something occasionally.

That's true. I think that the point people are making is that, just like everyone else, sometimes shit happens and you have to suck it up - just like everyone else in the world. And it's not always going to be possible for someone else to 'give way' to you. And that if you encounter someone who can't, you shouldn't be rude to them.

fanjo yet again you are right.

Given that both parties had good reason for wanting to avoid missing that bus...

the point Flatbread makes about putting oneself second and helping others could surely apply to both parties?

Or is a wheelchair user so far outside "normal" society that we cannot conceive of her making that decision - to risk missing a bus so that a child wouldn't be late for school?

I am not saying that she SHOULD make that choice, only that we shouldn't mentally exclude the possibility. It could be seen as prejudiced or infantilising to assume that because she is in a wheelchair she must never make the choice to put somebody else's needs first.

A dubious point clumsily made, but does it make sense to anyone?

You are right Gleensleeves, I think it is very easy for people to jump at anyone who does not put a disabled person first in any situation but if people give it a bit more thought it is not always the right thing!

I am not echoing bondig's odious crap about "treating them as equals" by the way. Only worrying that always assuming that a disabled person can't make the full range of adult choices is robbing them of part of their humanity

and putting it really badly

Flatbread just give it up before you dig such a deep hole you've got a cave.

Have just a little think about just why anybody with autism may require there hand holding sometimes ( Ime most times) its not just a case of a nice sweet picture type scene of a parent and child walking down the street holding hands.

No I get what you mean. If you took a snapshot of ds1 next to a wheelchair user then you would automatically assume that the wheelchair user needed more help to go about their daily business. In fact, depending on the mobility issues that may well not be true. For example a wheelchair user in a toddler group I used to go to needed a different door opened so she could access the building. That was it. She got into her car herself, put her baby in her car and drove herself, was completely independent - and needed no help other than to ensure there were access routes suitable for wheels rather than legs.

Ds1 however is physically able, he can walk, skip, jump, surf but he needs help - as I put in the DLA from - 24 hours a day 7 days a week. His bother who is half his age helps him, he cannot walk down the street alone and there is no way he would ever be capable of caring for a child. He needs a lot of hands on care and consideration given to those needs makes life run smoother for him/us. It wouldn't be patronising to offer him help - he needs it (not that he'd ever be alone - he never is and he never will be). But many do assume because he looks 'normal' he should be able to do whatever it is everyone else does while they patronise someone because they're sat in a chair.

I don't hold hands with ds1 anyway - of we're near traffic I grip his wrist - harder for him to break free. Most of his (teen) friends use harnesses - like large versions of baby reins.

Exactly, JimJams.

Flatbread - DS looks like a normal teen, shuffles along, plugged into earphones, grunting at anyone who speaks to him, trousers hanging down showing his pants. If he finds a tolerant, supportive person to share his life and parent him then he may be lucky and hang onto a job and have some semblance of normal adult life.

But he is scared of the most trivial of things, and if he got caught out in wind and rain and his routine was changed and he was anxious about being late for school, then he would have the most almighty meltdown.

He is 14, nearly 6foot and weighs 10 stone.

He would lie on the floor thrashing around, pulling his hair out and lashing out at the nearest person - usually me.

So it may appear selfish that I wouldn't let others in front of me, but as I can barely restrain him when he runs then I'm not going to risk it.

Until you live with autism you have no idea what it is like.

but some wheelchair users do need extra help and allowances made for them. It isn't clear cut.
just to make myself clear. I don't like this trumping, there seems to be a constant now that wheelchair= able
dd is in a wheelchair as she can't walk, she can't talk or do much for herself.

oh and if I let people in front of me (on a bad day) she would scream.

No I know, that's why I said in some cases. The wheelchair users at ds1's SLD/PMLD school need more care & support than him as they have physical issues in addition to secere learning disabilities - a real double whammy. I was responding to flat whatsits assumptions which seem to be very much based on how something looks.

thats my point really...I know you get it jimjams, but there does seem to be a them and us thing on mn.
and don't get me started on those things on fb, surely people can make the point about no visible disabilities, without going about wheelchair users.

Greensleeves

I see what you are saying

But it is really counter=productive to set up a false dichotomy

People do it with severe autism as well threesocks 'it's alright if your child is severely autistic you get everything if your child can talk it's much harder'

Do wish people would recognise people have different needs. Yes ds1 gets more support from the council than a child who is more independent because he needs more support. It doesn't mean his needs are fully met.

See for example how ds1's life changing voice came about because of the generosity of a stranger. SS weren't sure that he was 'worthy' of funding ( their choice of word)

"Do wish people would recognise people have different needs."

so true. I have been told in the past by a mum that I was lucky as dd's sn is visible... I got what she meant, but it is draining to have people keep on assuming that wheelchair = lucky

Oh I know - I have been told I'm lucky because ds1 can't speak. Which is a bonkers thing to say however you look at it.

I hope my post didn't imply that someone in a wheelchair automatically has no other needs - that wasn't my intention. It was more a general point about not assuming that what you think you see is the full story. If you make assumptions about other people from appearances you are likely to be wrong most of the time, ime.

That is how I read your post greeny....

As you have just explained I mean

'ts not just a case of a nice sweet picture type scene of a parent and child walking down the street holding hands.'

You are so right pixie, sometimes it's more like being handcuffed to Taz.
www.tazworld.com/taz/t33.jpg