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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Regarding contact

252 replies

Pickles77 · 25/11/2012 15:23

Regarding DDs twunt of a father

He has put no effort in with DD and just likes to scream at me.
As I refused to drive DD around the country today he hasn't seen her but he says he isn't missing anything. I'm just a bitch but his maintainence wouldn't even get me to and from what her wants!
He wants her all weekend next weekend . Am I being unreasonable to say no?
DD doesn't know him, yet he says she doesn't know me.
He's never changed a nappy and he isn't very good with her and to be frank I don't trust him.
I'm so upset on Dd's behalf. She doesn't deserve this and he doesn't realise you don't get these days back.
His time off is precious apparently, he wants it to himself sometimes. I don't ever get time off but apparently this is what I wanted.

AIBU to be sad for DD?
AIBU to stop him seeing DD until he steps up?
AIBU for being so angry Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
Pickles77 · 05/12/2012 20:36

Wanking- how do you deal with that emotionally if you don't mind me asking x

OP posts:
ATouchOfStuffing · 05/12/2012 20:38

Yes, exactly. They have a choice to see their child or not. If they really had the child's interests at heart they would grab it with both hands. Stay strong Smile

McChristmasPants2012 · 05/12/2012 20:43

Is he on the birth certificate

Original poster
Pickles77 · 05/12/2012 20:44

Yes he is. Conned me into it emotionally

OP posts:
McChristmasPants2012 · 05/12/2012 20:45

then i would see a solicitor asap, because he has parental right over your DC.

Original poster
Pickles77 · 05/12/2012 20:47

Could he legally just take her

OP posts:
ATouchOfStuffing · 05/12/2012 20:47

Yes, but also responsibilities. You are seeing a sol on Fri and have offered him to see her, in a supervised contact centre. You can't do any more and wouldn't be expected to bow to his demands at such short notice anyway.
It is hard when men make their children into pawns to play with you, but you know you have given him all of the options that are safe for you and DD - his choice, as I said before, if he takes them or not.

Original poster
Pickles77 · 05/12/2012 20:54

Thank you all for the hand holding and support tonight.
I am feeling like a pressure cooker!!Smile

OP posts:
McChristmasPants2012 · 05/12/2012 20:54

that why i would see a solicitor. I know that as he has PR it means that he legally has the same rights as you.

TandB · 05/12/2012 20:56

No, he couldn't just come and take her. You are the primary carer and he has not been acting as an equal parent.

If you say he can't take her then the onus will be on him to go through the proper channels. If he literally grabbed her and took her away then you could call the police.

Someone in his position would not be supported by the legal system in any attempt to forcibly remove a child from its mother.

If you think he might try then do not, under any circumstances, allow him to have contact without proper precautions in place.

flow4 · 05/12/2012 21:11

Pickles, do NOT let him take your DD.

This is his attempt at a power trip. If he genuinely wanted to see your DD, he would make a reasonable arrangement. He hasn't done this: instead, he is trying to bully you.

It is not reasonable for such a young baby to be left alone with someone she has not seen for 3 weeks. He is entitled to contact, but he is not entitled to arrange this just to suit himself: your DD's interests and welfare are what's important, and this arrangement is not in her best interests.

If possible, get up and go out tomorrow early. When you are already out, text him to say something like: "I am out today and I will not be in at all. Don't come". That way, he can save himself a journey, and if he comes anyway, then he has only himself to blame for his wasted journey.

Also write in your text something like this: "I will be in touch when I have seen the solicitor. I am happy for you to see DD regularly, but this needs to be properly arranged, to ensure her wellbeing".

Don't text tonight, and don't text before you have left the house, just in case he is angry enough to set off immediately.

Don't come home alone tomorrow either.

I don't mean to sound like a scaremonger, but angry bullies who aren't getting their own way can turn nasty, and you do not want to take chances.

He does NOT have the right to take your DD. If he comes to your house when you are there, and tries to take her, or threatens you, CALL THE POLICE.

Get yourself to that solicitor asap so you can sort this 'officially' :)

There is some more info about arranging contact here

Pantofino · 05/12/2012 21:11

I would get a new phone no. if I were you and stick to email contact only.

flow4 · 05/12/2012 21:14

^^ kungfupannda is right, pickles. She knows what she is talking about. :)

Pantofino · 05/12/2012 21:39

Right - all the drama and ups and downs have gone on too long. You need to stop this. He does not love you. You do not have a future together. Your dd has the right to a relationship with him, but that it that. (and not vice versa I hasten to add)

You need to change your number, see the solicitor for advice, set something up with a contact centre near YOU, and contact the CSA. TELL him you will reply to emails only and that contact will be available at x on times y if he wishes to see his dd. STOP engaging with him at all.

No driving about the country, no phone calls, no emotional blackmail. No giving a shit about what he and his mother demand. Offer him supervised contact. Let him give a shit enough to sort the rest via court. I know I am a horrible cow and all, but this is not about you and your feelings any more. It is about protecting your dd (and your MH) and doing what is right for HER.

It will be hard, but everyone here will be right behind you.

Original poster
Pickles77 · 06/12/2012 04:57

Thank you I am on it Smile
Contact centres sorted, Sol be seen Friday hopefully.
His mum called our house phone last night, and what a lovely lady. She's very cross and is going to come and see us on Sunday. She spoke to my mum too. Seems he had pulled the wool over her eyes again.
I've made arrangements to go Xmas shopping with a friend today rather than go to her house where I shall sit and wonder.
Thank you for the info on his PR & putting my mind at ease that I am not U.
Today I'm quite nervous, it's the first time i will have really really stood up to him.
I'm not loosing sleep, I just have never been a good sleeper. Bloomin DD sleeps 8-8 now, wish I did

OP posts:
auntpetunia · 06/12/2012 06:20

Enjoy your shopping! Hopefully his mum will now see what he's putting you and her grand daughter through and that will help pull him up short.

SugaricePlumFairy · 06/12/2012 07:32

Have a good day Pickles.

It's normal to be nervous but you'll be fine.

Glad that you've got the contact centre and Solicitor sorted.

flow4 · 06/12/2012 08:09

It sounds like you're getting it all under control. :)
Good luck today. You will feel nervous - that's natural. But it'll pass... Standing up to him is so definitely the best thing to do, for you and your DD :)

Original poster
Pickles77 · 06/12/2012 08:13

Email- I am seeing her today whether you like it or not On my own. I will text when i am leaving

OP posts:
ATouchOfStuffing · 06/12/2012 08:16

Gosh he is a deluded ass!
Stick to the plan.
He is a knob. And keeps on proving it to you!

flow4 · 06/12/2012 08:16

Is that last bit (I will text when i am leaving) part of the text? Or what you'r thinking?

Whocansay · 06/12/2012 08:17

Hi Pickles. I see he's kicking off again with a new tantrum. Make sure you are not alone all day. I can't see him starting on you if someone else is there. If he does start with the threats and abuse, call the police.

All the best for today. And good luck with the shopping Christmas shopping fills me with horror

Original poster
Pickles77 · 06/12/2012 08:21

He says he's texting me when he's
Leaving? What's the point im not going to be here. I did tell him that.

If he had gone about this the right way and been okay he might have been able to have her alone for like half an hour. But quite frankly he's shot himself in the foot again!
I'm seeing his mum on Sunday and she's not inviting him as she's quite angry right now.

OP posts:
NotWankinginaWinterWonderland · 06/12/2012 08:22

Stay strong Pickles, I am in a different place now than I was last year, (emotion wise) I had to cut off complete contact with myself and him, he was good at mind games and making me feel bad for him not seeing his DC, no contact works wonders.

It is different in Scotland and because he my boys biological father he can come take them whenever he wants (in the eyes of law) as he won't go to court, I can do nothing, I have WA involved, both dc go weekly for counseling and have 'safety plans' in place should the dad come and try to collect them, it isn't easy but I have sent him another Solicitors letter telling him to back off (phoning school, driving around, phoning my parents as he cannot contact me/us etc) or we take an injunction, if he doesn't back off and stop phoning the school etc, then we get an injunction, he will back off though, he always does, for 4/5 months then it all starts again.

Biggest piece of advise I can give you is to not see him at all. don't speak to him, change you number and get a Solicitor involved.

Best of luck x

NotWankinginaWinterWonderland · 06/12/2012 08:22

Oh and my 999 nearby works wonders for me!