Regarding contact

[Pickles77]

Regarding DDs twunt of a father 

He has put no effort in with DD and just likes to scream at me. 
As I refused to drive DD around the country today he hasn't seen her but he says he isn't missing anything. I'm just a bitch but his maintainence wouldn't even get me to and from what her wants!
He wants her all weekend next weekend . Am I being unreasonable to say no?
DD doesn't know him, yet he says she doesn't know me.
He's never changed a nappy and he isn't very good with her and to be frank I don't trust him.
I'm so upset on Dd's behalf. She doesn't deserve this and he doesn't realise you don't get these days back.
His time off is precious apparently, he wants it to himself sometimes. I don't ever get time off but apparently this is what I wanted.

AIBU to be sad for DD?
AIBU to stop him seeing DD until he steps up?
AIBU for being so angry

[Frankelstein]

So glad you've been in touch with RW and that they are helping you out

[ATouchOfStuffing]

NotWanking out of interest, how did you decide about the photos? I have been umming and aahing about whether to have any of her with her dad up/in albums. Some part of me wants her to know what he looks like, so she isn't just imagining what he looked like. Other parts think perhaps it will be better to just show her when she asks and is older, rather than having him on the wall with other pics to confuse her... She was only 6mo when he left so she won't remember him at all.

Pickles, I find it great on here as so many people are in a similar boat. In RL I am the only one of my friends who is a single mum, and I find it hard sometimes. Good ol' MN!

[IfNotNowThenWhen]

Well done Pickles
Keep posting whenever you feel a wobble, we are all behind you.
Midwifery-that's fantastic! Good luck love x

[CremeEggThief]

Go Pickles :o.

[flow4]

Pickles, I have just read this whole thread, and I wanted to say how strong you sound. It is incredibly early for you to having to fight these battles and deal with all this crap, and you are doing really well.

I understand some of what you're going through. My DS's dad left when he was 6 months old, and was very unreliable with contact. I wanted our son to have contact with his dad, so I put an amazing amount of effort into it... I did not drive but I travelled by train and bus to take DS to see him; and I even took Ex to court to try to get an official contact order (I failed). When he moved 150 miles away, I still continued to take DS to see him a couple of times a year. His dad did drive, but rarely made the journey back here. With hindsight (this was all 13-17 years ago) I don't really know why I did it, except that he used to say that I was 'stopping him from seeing his son' - and like you I felt somehow guilty.

Also like you, DS's dad decided the maintenance he was paying was 'too much' and cut it down to £30/week, then after 2 months, stopped it altogether. In 17.5 years I have had a total of about £250 from him. :(

Don't be fooled into thinking your DD's dad will suddenly become caring and supportive. He won't.

When my DS was 13/14, the CSA finally caught up with his dad and made an attachment of earnings. He quit his job and left the country. He wrote to me telling me I had 'forced' him to go abroad. He wrote to DS telling him the same, and also saying I had 'tricked' him into having a child in the first place. I don't even think it occurred to him to consider how this would affect DS. That kind of selfish fecker can't see past the end of his own nose.

I had times when I was on my own with DS when I was very stressed and unhappy and depressed. Stress and grief and lack of sleep do mess with your head.

(I'll send you a PM saying a few other things about this that I don't want to say 'publicly'. :) )

You will be able to deal with this. Take any bit of help you are offered, and if you aren't offered enough, ask.

You can do this. If you can be this strong when your DD is just a few weeks old, just imagine how strong you will be by the time she is one... two... five... ten... :)

[ATouchOfStuffing]

What a great post flow, really good to hear from someone on the other side of it all.

Sad to say I do still hope for ex to want to see DD, and somehow change his mind. I don't know why really, as he isn't very nice at all. However the longer it goes on, the easier it is becoming. We have a tribunal next week as he is taking us to it to avoid paying. I imagine a few messages after that, but whether or not he will actually want to see her, or just hurt me I don't yet know... Thee men can be so charming, but as you say, can't see past the end of their own noses.

So Pickles I hope you have had a good day today. We are all here for you, with our advice at varying stages of knob-end-runnaway-dads.

[Pickles77]

Thank you all, we are sat here freshly bathed and snuggling with our pooch how someone can not want to be a part of this is beyond me.

Fools aren't they?

[flow4]

Yes!

[Pickles77]

It amazes me still that I thought I knew him. Turns out I never knew him at all.
He never loved me, he will never love DD. he has no heart.

And writing that down felt rather good!

[Whocansay]

Wow, Pickles, you're sounding so much better! Keep up the good work!

[flow4]

Go girl! :)

I had a bit of a head start on you: my DS's dad told me when I was 6 months pregnant that he didn't love me, and didn't even like me very much. It still took me almost a year to come to terms with the fact our Happy Family wasn't going to work out bloody naive fool that I was. Hope is a hard thing to give up.

You are doing pretty well dealing with all the ups and downs, Pickles. It will take a while, but you will be OK. :)

[flow4]

"Hope is a hard thing to give up" isn't right... I didn't give up hope. I realised I was hoping for the wrong thing, and refocussed my energy on things that were going to make me happy! :)

[Pickles77]

Oh I'm not I'm having a bit of a sob now but I think that's a good thing!

[flow4]

I think it probably is! :)

[Pickles77]

And today I'm hurting again.
Thinking of him with OW, having fun. Forgetting all about us.
Forgetting the family that should have been

[ATouchOfStuffing]

I do this too - bonfire night and Christmas coming up with NYE - all big reminders of the last few years we enjoyed them together. Although I say 'enjoyed' he was a big sulker, drinker and nothing was ever good enough. I am sure you had times like this too? So don't go thinking the grass is greener where he is, because these men spoil any happiness by being them. Think how much nicer it will be NOT having to deal with him ruining these lovely times. I am going to have a stress free Christmas this year with no one picking holes .

[Whocansay]

Pickles, the 'relationship' with his slut is clearly not a bed of roses, or he wouldn't have condescended to try to get back with you. And he's got years of uncomfortable questions ahead of him as to why he abandoned his daughter.

You measure a person by their actions. He has proved himself to be unworthy of you and your dd many times over. You would have led a dogs life with him and I think you know it. You can't see it yet, but you've given yourself freedom and the chance of happiness.

[Pickles77]

Thank you for the boost
Just remembered poor picklesdog wasn't even allowed Xmas dinner last year

[Whocansay]

Oooh, switch your phone off this Xmas. He can't ruin your fun anymore unless you let him the cunt.

Poor picklesdog! He can have meatsweats this year!

[Pickles77]

Just had him effing and blinding at me. He wants her tomo afternoon and I've said email contact only and he can't have her unsupervised.
This is bollocks apparently. He will have her where and when he wants. And if his mum wants her for the afternoon she will. Because I am unreasonable.
Because he hasnt seen her for three weeks

[CinnabarRed]

Hold strong. He's talking crap. And he knows it. And now you do too.

Your XP, for example, is a twat.

[TwinkleReturns]

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Turn your phone off and go out for the PM.

Do not give in to the silly sod. He's basically jumping up and down yelling "Listen to me!!!!" and making himself look like an utter twat.

Would you allow a toddler to get his own way because he had the screaming ab dabs? No? Well you certainly dont give in to this twerp.

[Pickles77]

Oh no, taken DD out in pram with Poppy.
You can force someone to be a father or put a baby's need before their own

[ShamyFarrahCooper]

Wow Pickles I've read your full thread and I think you are amazing

You will of course have days where you feel you can take on the world and days where you feel the world has fought you. The down days do not mean you have failed/stepped backwards, they are all part of you moving forward with your lovely new life.

You have a lovely dd, a pooch and supportive parents.

Your ex will shout etc but he has no leg to stand on at all. His mum has NO RIGHT legally to any contact so he can shove that. As for him, unsupervised contact with a baby who won't know his smell/touch/voice? Don't think so.

Stay as strong as you are, you are coping with all this added crap magnificently.

Think about it. You've had a baby. Emotionally & physically that is hugely demanding on you and your body. You've been suffering with completely normal PND, another huge strain on you. Then you have that dickhead verbally & emotionally abusing you.

Yet here you are, still standing, still going, still stronger than you think. Please take a minute to think about everything you've been doing and realise how fantastic you are. And keep us the threads if you find they help, as we are not emotionally attached on MN (I mean as close friends/family are) we can offer objective advice.

[Pickles77]

Thank you very much. Today started off a low day but after just being screamed at over quite frankly laughable. I'm angry.
Oh yes I shall let my baby go out with a stranger for the day (that is what he is now)
I especially liked the line 'who do you
think I am'
So did mum actually- only reason I answered because I wasn't alone made it a lot easier actually