Regarding contact

[Pickles77]

Regarding DDs twunt of a father 

He has put no effort in with DD and just likes to scream at me. 
As I refused to drive DD around the country today he hasn't seen her but he says he isn't missing anything. I'm just a bitch but his maintainence wouldn't even get me to and from what her wants!
He wants her all weekend next weekend . Am I being unreasonable to say no?
DD doesn't know him, yet he says she doesn't know me.
He's never changed a nappy and he isn't very good with her and to be frank I don't trust him.
I'm so upset on Dd's behalf. She doesn't deserve this and he doesn't realise you don't get these days back.
His time off is precious apparently, he wants it to himself sometimes. I don't ever get time off but apparently this is what I wanted.

AIBU to be sad for DD?
AIBU to stop him seeing DD until he steps up?
AIBU for being so angry

[Pickles77]

Okay,.. I'll let dad do a handover

[Whocansay]

Good for you. Small steps.

And I think it was RedTulip who had the 'think of 3 nice things' as part of her daily routine. It sounded as if it helped her.

[waltermittymistletoe]

Right, I think you can understand why your dad would want to do this.

However, if it makes you feel less confident or like a child then that's not good either.

His heart is in the right place but there's no point in anything stressing you out further.

This is what I think: even if you let your dad do the handover, you STILL put everything in writing.

Tell your parents the plan. Tell them that communication will be non-verbal as much as possible, maintenance will be claimed through the CSA and ANY form of harrassment from your ex with result in withdrawal of contact until you feel that he has his emotions in check enough not to upset your DD.

Tell him and your parents that if he crosses the line and makes you feel unsafe you will be contacting the police. And MEAN it.

It's time for YOU to be in control of YOUR life. Your parents will, I think, feel better when they know he's not controlling or manipulating you anymore.

[Pickles77]

Thank you your all right.
You've all made me feel a bit stronger today with your support

[JaneFonda]

Pickles, I've just read this thread, and I wanted to say that I am so proud of you.

I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you to be alone with a tiny one, and dealing with your own issues as well - you are doing so, so well.

He is a bully, and you do not need him. How dare he be so disrespectful to the mother of his DD?

It is fantastic that your dad will help you out with handovers, as that means you don't have to face any vile abuse.

Keep going, you will have ups and downs but we are all here to support you. :)

[Pickles77]

Thank you, you just put a tear in my eye

[CremeEggThief]

I agree that your dad means well, but set your boundaries, and don't let him take over or do or say anything you're not comfortable with. He is there to support you and your DD and should not let his personal dislike of your ex get in the way.

[waltermittymistletoe]

Team Pickles!

[Pickles77]

Bedtimes are always the worst this is when it's hurting the most and the mornings

[waltermittymistletoe]

It will do Pickles, because there are no distractions.

Remember to keep your diary, do your three good things diary and keep your dd and your own happiness at the forefront of your mind.

It's not easy, but it's so worth it!

[Pickles77]

Today has been a much better day.
I'm angry today as. I can't believe he hasn't even tried to contact to see how his daughter is- how sad

[ATourchOfInsanity]

Well done Pickles !
Have seen a thread or two of yours and agree this man is not worth the time or effort worrying about. I had similar situ with my ex, who was also a twunt. Many ex's tend to be . I honestly admire you; you are doing all of this with mental issues I luckily didn't have and you are getting so strong

Please just remember never to contact him and if he contacts you it must be about DD. My life has got a lot calmer since I have used this mantra. Honestly don't even consider him a friend. I have the same feelings of wishing it had been different, but to be honest, these men will have to live with who they are for life, we just had to put up with it for a short while. I hope that my ex will look back at all of the drama and stress he has caused all three of us and wonder why he bothered.. I doubt he will, but maybe if he ever grows up he might.

We are better than these pathetic excuses for men. CSA helped me no end and fought for me. Ex seems to think they have a personal vendetta and now I get abusive texts blaming me for various things in his life. It really does seem he thinks everything is my fault/CSA's fault, but every time he texts I have to think 'who put us here?' and 'why am I so important in your life that I somehow control it and make it so bad?' - because the truth is these men use any excuse to beat you with hatred. You don't need him confusing you with all of this wankery. I have had a really horrid pg and 16 months after because of my ex and I don't have your health issues. I can only imagine how hard this is for you as at times I have felt my life is not my own and worried that he is right. It is possibly the toughest thing you will have to go through in life - birth and looking after baby alone, all the while having some arse cheese abuse you, but you have done it so far! Look how far you have come .

I picture DD and I playing in the garden, reading on the sofa, snuggled up and cooking together. In a few years I probably won't think of him at all - he hasn't seen her for 11 months since I got CSA involved and it has been a huge relief for me, if somewhat sad for DD. I doubt my ex will go to Court to fight for her, and this is a reflection on them, not you. He is missing out and he doesn't even know what he is missing. It is not up to you to tell him.

Rooting for you here too. PM me if you ever want a chat/moan whatever and sorry for long post!

[Pickles77]

What a lovely post, you have just really touched me. Thank you for your support I can relate 100% to what you have written

[Pickles77]

It takes alot to hate you, takes too much to forget you so how could it take so little to love you.

[Pickles77]

It's really hurting this morning. This is the longest without contact. SSunday mornings used to be great.

I'm so sad he hasn't tried to contact anyone asking about DD

[CinnabarRed]

Pickles, it's his loss. Really and truly it is. No-one else's. You've behaved with dignity and integrity throughout your interactions with him, and have literally nothing to blame yourself for. And your lovely DD will recognise you for the wonderful person you are as she grows up with you.

Keep hold of your anger. It's like hot steel - use it to forge armour around you, so his barbed arrow comments can't get to your heart. They will simply clatter to the floor where you can grind them under your feet.

[Pickles77]

Still not a peep from him, says it all really.
I feel rather lifted.
Is it wrong to hope he doesn't contact?

[ATouchOfStuffing]

Hi Pickles I know how you feel, it took a long time for me to accept ex wasn't going to ask about DD at all (as I mentioned he has only just asked for a pic 11 months after seeing her last and no update requested, I may add). I go through phases of thinking maybe he should be in her life but then he will message me something horrid and I revert back to being glad he is out of both of our lives. It is his choice, as people have said. He will have to explain for the rest of his life that he has a child he chooses not to see. My ex probably doesn't tell people at all, but they will find out eventually, making his lying all the more poignant.

You focus your energies on hitting him where it hurts - wallet via CSA and being happy in yourself for yourself and DD. Imagine him looking through the window at the family he could have had and wondering what the fook he was thinking

[Pickles77]

The longer he doesn't contact me the better. The hurt gets less and the anger more.
It's amazing how you never saw this side to someone.
Him and OW can sit on the sofa and enjoy life because quite frankly they are in denial.
Any woman that thinks that's acceptable isn't normal.

[NotWankinginaWinterWonderland]

No contact works wonders, it's been almost a year for me, will be a year on 5th December, 2011, I ripped up every picture of 'the dad' now I have forgot what he even looks like I like that.

Ime he will be in touch soon, try to stick to DD and don't get emotionally, even slightly involved with this man.

[Pickles77]

I don't think he will be in touch you know.

But
If he is he will claim i am unreasonable for not letting him have DD for a whole day when he hasn't seen her for nearly three weeks.

Will I let her go? Not on your nelly

[Frankelstein]

Pickles I hope I am remembering you correctly, but are you the poster who used to work for the Boys in Blue? If so, have you thought about contacting Racing Welfare? They can be a great support, and not just on racing related matters. They were a fantastic support to my colleague when she left her violent partner and gave no end of support. It doesn't matter if you no longer work in racing, anyone who has worked in the industry in past is entitled to ask for help. Even if they just provide a shoulder to cry on and financial advice it would probably be a help to you.

[CaliforniaSucksSnowballs]

Pickles, You have gone above and beyond trying to let your Ex have access to your Dd, stop beating yourself up and worrying about what he thinks and what others think. Let you family, your HV and Doctor help you and concentrate of what is best for you and your baby, not him.
Be strong, theres a lot of hands holding yours right now.

[Pickles77]

I used to work down the road from them yes, racing welfare will pay for my retraining! To midwifrey it's brilliant.
Thank you all, feeling stronger each day all

Nest of vipers my backside!!! I feel privalidged to be a
Mnetter