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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Regarding contact

252 replies

Pickles77 · 25/11/2012 15:23

Regarding DDs twunt of a father

He has put no effort in with DD and just likes to scream at me.
As I refused to drive DD around the country today he hasn't seen her but he says he isn't missing anything. I'm just a bitch but his maintainence wouldn't even get me to and from what her wants!
He wants her all weekend next weekend . Am I being unreasonable to say no?
DD doesn't know him, yet he says she doesn't know me.
He's never changed a nappy and he isn't very good with her and to be frank I don't trust him.
I'm so upset on Dd's behalf. She doesn't deserve this and he doesn't realise you don't get these days back.
His time off is precious apparently, he wants it to himself sometimes. I don't ever get time off but apparently this is what I wanted.

AIBU to be sad for DD?
AIBU to stop him seeing DD until he steps up?
AIBU for being so angry Angry

OP posts:
notmyproblem · 27/11/2012 22:09

Well done Pickles.

When you are having a strong moment, write some notes to yourself and stick them where you can see them easily. By the phone, in your purse, near your computer. Stuff like "you will not control me" and "I am strong" and "I will not give in to your bullying". You need that reassurance for the moments you're feeling weak and he's managed to corner you somehow.

Definitely think you should stick to contact by email/letter/text only so you have a record of all that happens. It's for your own protection and for your DD's too.

You are doing a great job, just keep plugging away one day at a time. Rooting for you :)

MaBumble · 28/11/2012 00:20

Oh we'll done Pickles, csa & talking to a Sol is a excellent step! Be prepared for him to really not like it. But tough! Now practice your serene, calm ' I'm sorry, but this is the best for me & Litttle Pickles, I'm afraid any problems you have are none of my concern' or words to that effect. Good luck!

KeatsiePie · 28/11/2012 03:37

It is sad. It is really, really shitty. You are having to go through protracted heartbreak.

And sometimes you might just need to feel it, to say, okay, I just need to sit here and cry for a while. It might help for you to give yourself permission to do that, when you need to, so that it doesn't overpower you and keep you from doing what you need to do. It's okay to let yourself feel it.

You are dealing with two different things now: 1, emotional: your heartbreak. 2, practical: your child support. Before now, the emotional was swamping the practical: your heartbreak was keeping you from protecting yourself on practical issues. You have to make room for both the emotional and the practical so you can keep them separate, so that the emotional doesn't swamp the practical any longer.

So, hooray for what you've done so far to make the practical things work for you! Really, that is great.

And so do give yourself some room to grieve. In time, I think, you will need to make less and less room for that. I do really hope and think that before long joy will outweigh pain in your emotional life. (Sorry if I sound like a Pollyanna, I really really don't mean to.)

waltermittymistletoe · 28/11/2012 08:48

KeatsiePie great post.

Pickles use here as your sounding board. Rant, rave, cry. Just don't back down. Remind yourself why you're doing any of this: it's to give your dd the best and safest life she can have.

Original poster
Pickles77 · 28/11/2012 12:30

I would rather not be here than keep living this nightmare and that's the truth

OP posts:
CremeEggThief · 28/11/2012 12:50

A big hug for you, pickles. It's a cliche, but things will get better.

Original poster
Pickles77 · 28/11/2012 12:56

Six months this has gone on and it's getting harder. I don't want to live like this. I was doing well and now it's worse than ever and I hate it.
If I wasn't so weak then I'd just not be here but im just pathetic so so pathetic x

OP posts:
GilbGeekette · 28/11/2012 13:13

Pickles, sweetie. I haven't read your other threads but I've read all of this one and you are being really strong. Refusing to let an ex control you when you have a child together, and when he is willing to use the child as a weapon is really hard. You've been so strong. You are NOT weak or pathetic. Keep talking here, and lean on people when you need to. There's a whole bunch of posters here for you. Let them (us?) support you where we can.

Original poster
Pickles77 · 28/11/2012 13:22

I just think him and his whole family think I'm an unstable horrible bitch and I hate people thinking bad of me.
I just want him to want us.
I made so much progress and it's all undone in two weeks.
I can't ever see me being complete again

OP posts:
CremeEggThief · 28/11/2012 13:45

People think badly of HIM, not you. You have done nothing wrong.

Please go back to your GP and HV, pickles. You need more RL support too. Your DD is still very little and you need their support.

Original poster
Pickles77 · 28/11/2012 13:53

Tablets been increased and more counselling. Going to draft emails. His mother is oblivious to how he is after asking me when am I seeing him and me explaining why I'm not she informed me I need proffesional support.
Haven't laughed like that for a while. Sad huh.

OP posts:
Whocansay · 28/11/2012 14:04

Dear Pickles,

You have tried very hard to bend over backwards for this guy and force him to have a relationship with your DD on whatever terms he wants. Please try and sit back and reread everything you have written. Then think what you would advise someone else to do.

You picked a really nasty piece of work to father your child. He does not care about you, or even your DD, he just enjoys toying with you, like a cat does a mouse. If his family thinks badly of you, so what? They've only heard the lies from their son. If they choose to believe him, when its clear you've been killing yourself to accommodate him, there's nothing you can do. I think a lot of his anger is guilt, along with frustration that you will no longer tow the line.

I know you are finding it difficult to detach, as you still yearn for the man you thought he was (as opposed to the spiteful, self centred manchild that he actually is). It will only hurt you further to deal with him directly. Sort out contact in a formal and legal way. Get someone else to handle the changeover whilst you are still so vulnerable. And get the CSA to sort the money. He's only reluctant to go this route because he loses control once you go legal. You can see that through his aggression.

You've made a huge amount of progress and it it's not undone. You're just having a wobble. You will be happy again.

Appear to detach, even if you can't really in an emotional sense. You can do it for your daughter.

Lemonylemon · 28/11/2012 14:07

I just think him and his whole family think I'm an unstable horrible bitch and I hate people thinking bad of me.

Pickles You can't control what other people think. Don't bother trying. His family is being fed misinformation. What you need to do is to not think about them. Don't answer the phone to him. Insist that he either emails you or texts you in future. Don't reply to him straight away. Let yourself calm down before you do.

Now, can you get a free half-hour consultation with a solicitor to try to get contact through a contact centre? He can rant and rave all he likes but you need the protection or shield, if you like, of someone professional who can tell him how it is. At the moment, you're fragile, having had DD only 10 weeks ago and having to deal with your twunt of an ex. Would your HV know who you can contact regarding this? Sometimes HV's have little nuggets of information like this.

Can your family help you to deal with this?

IfNotNowThenWhen · 28/11/2012 17:04

You are NOT WEAK !! It is just a bump in the road to wellness. You are doing all the right things. Fuck his family. After all , they raised this creep, so what go they know?
You are doing GREAT ! Keep going ! Xxx

CremeEggThief · 28/11/2012 17:48

Remember and keep remembering this is really early days for you. I am glad your GP has increased your tablets and set you up with more counselling.

It is NOT a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength. And you are strong. XXX

Original poster
Pickles77 · 28/11/2012 21:18

Thank you all I don't feel it.
I post and start threads a lot when I just need help support and when things tumble

OP posts:
CremeEggThief · 28/11/2012 21:24

A tip I saw on someone else's thread was think of three good things you did/saw/heard about/enjoyed today. Sometimes, I only manage one or two. Small steps .... Keep going! X

lotsofdogshere · 29/11/2012 08:49

WilsonFricket has it right. Go and see a Family Lawyer, search the internet and find a good firm near where you live. Involve the CSA. Let others deal with this man and give yourself a break. You love your baby daughter, and it sounds very much like this is a man who will use that to manipulate and exploit you. Try and stay strong, and don't let that happen. Your Family Lawyer will have details of contact centres that are local to you, and can inform your ex about that in their first letter to him. Then, it's over to him to make any arrangements, and travel to see your baby. The centres are usually run by WRVS or similar, and loosely supervised so you will know your baby is safe. It is unfair/unreasonable and just wrong for you to be driving long distances with a tiny baby. Go and see your GP/Health Visitor and tell them how vulnerable you are feeling. There may be a children's centre near you, where you can get some support, Baby massage groups etc. You may be lucky enough to meet other mothers you can get some support from. Good luck, and just focus on looking after yourself and your baby. Don't answer his calls/texts, leave it to your lawyer.

Original poster
Pickles77 · 29/11/2012 11:23

Please help. My parents want to call him, my dad is furious... Says if I don't give him his phone number or his parents number he's going to go into his work.
Surely it's only going to make things worse .

OP posts:
waltermittymistletoe · 29/11/2012 11:44

Want to call him about what pickles?

Original poster
Pickles77 · 29/11/2012 12:07

His unreasonable behaviour and upsetting me.
It makes me look and feel like a child

OP posts:
Lemonylemon · 29/11/2012 13:22

Well, I would say that your Dad is absolutely right to be furious. The bullyboy ex needs calling off.... Think about it that way.

I said upthread that you need someone to be a shield. Your family are on your side. Sometimes, you just can't fight someone like your ex on your own.....

Original poster
Pickles77 · 29/11/2012 13:33

But i think my dad will just loose his temper. I think it might be better if
My dad does a baby handover

OP posts:
Lemonylemon · 29/11/2012 13:39

But Pickles, your ex needs putting in his place and to stop bullying you! The situation as it stands has turned you into a nervous wreck, wondering what's going to happen next. Hopefully, your Dad will put a stop to that.....

Whocansay · 29/11/2012 13:42

You're still worried about what this bastard thinks. Stop it. This is about your DD, and if your dad can put some boundaries in place that your ex will respect, let him.

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